Hard to Get or Available?...The Game

[nashua]

Does playing hard to get really work?

 

Why does it seem that most men (atleast in my experiences) don't like a woman who is too available, but prefer one who is hard to get?

 

If a woman has genuine feelings for a man and wants to be available to him, why should she repress that? And do men respect hard to get women more? What is the psychology behind that? it's like we're already setting ourselves up to play mind games, from the very beginning.

 

And what does a man think about a woman who is too available....always there to hang out, talk, spend time with?

 

Thoughts?

 

On a side note, what does it take to win a mans trust?

 

Thanks

[D-Lish]

I think there is such a thing as being "too" available to a man.

 

I don't think it's about playing a game as much as it may be about setting a precedence for how you wish to be treated. Take this example for instance...

 

I recently started dating someone. We've gone out twice- the last time being Sunday night. I only got one text between then and now... and 15 minutes ago he text me to ask if we could hang out and have a sleep over tonight. I politely declined and suggested another night. I truly want to see him, but I also think that it's respectful to give me a little notice if he wants to see me. I mean, it's 10pm- I am in my pj's and I have to work early tomorrow. I think that's letting him know that if he wants to see me, he has to plan in advance. If I accepted and got changed and let him come over- I am giving him the impression he can see me whenever he wants on his terms.

 

He immediately suggested dinner Friday and I accepted.

 

I know we like one another- but I am also going to make sure he is going to be respectful with me.

 

I think playing hard to get is playing games. Letting someone know how you wish to be treated in a relationship is different.

 

I think men do like a bit of a challenge. I think many women do too.

If you're always available and predictable in the beginning of a relationship, it's possible he'll get bored.

 

I like my guys to know that I have a life of my own. I know many men find independence admirable in a partner.

 

I always return calls, but I won't switch plans to go out with a guy....nor will I jump into action on short notice or allow myself to be a booty call.

That's not playing hard to get- that's respecting myself. When you respect yourself- you teach them to respect you. That's the challenge- that's part of the chase... but it's not a game.

[AussieJack]

Does playing hard to get really work?

 

If a woman has genuine feelings for a man and wants to be available to him, why should she repress that? And do men respect hard to get women more? What is the psychology behind that? it's like we're already setting ourselves up to play mind games, from the very beginning.

 

 

Ahhh, Ladies -

 

Women have been encouraged for centuries to play 'hard to get'.

Why? For two reasons which are closely connected -

 

1. BY playing the 'hard to get' game you are attempting to set yourself up as a "prize" to be sought after. Why ? TO get the illusion of " power and control " in a relationship ,and also to feed your ego.

 

2. PLaying hard to get acknowledges this - " Scarcity creates increased perceived value and triggers desire ."

This is just a quirk of human nature.. We want most what is rare and scarce.

 

However, on the dating scene, this tactic need to be applied with skill and infrequently..

 

Men who have REAL VALUE are not interested,for long, in women who have low REAL VALUE but who rely on playing the "hard to get" game.

Good men have options and are in demand.. They do not have to mold themselves to fit a gameplaying woman and her schedule.

THe "hard to get" game may work better in dating guys toward the bottom of the food chain who have few other dating options.

 

A much better strategy, ladies , is to improve your REAL VALUE. and that means much more that a new hairdo and a pushup bra.

 

Water seeks it own level, and so do quality men.

Edited March 27, 2008 by AussieJack

[Little Shy]

Men who have REAL VALUE are not interested,for long, in women who have low REAL VALUE but who rely on playing the "hard to get" game.

Good men have options and are in demand.. They do not have to mold themselves to fit a gameplaying woman and her schedule.

THe "hard to get" game may work better in dating guys toward the bottom of the food chain who have few other dating options.

 

A much better strategy, ladies , is to improve your REAL VALUE. and that means much more that a new hairdo and a pushup bra.

 

AJ, most of the time your posts really put me off something fierce, but once in a great while something you say does ring true.

True, as you say, I do not think a quality guy with a lot of options will deal with the "hard to get" game plan. Likely if he has

dated enough women, he may even see through this "plan". Like AJ says, he won't stick around for that BS, he will move on to another great lady (or hooker for that matter) that dosen't play games.

This rings so true in cities like mine, where everyone has sooo many dating options! A perpetually single city! And the women are gorgeous, have great careers, & keep themselves in killer shape. Good luck playing the "hard to get" game here. There are just to many other options.

I think what D-Lish says is pretty much spot on. I think if you are a woman who is in tuned with herself, you can feel when a proposal to take a phone call, or initiate one, or accept a date, or inititate one is right or wrong.

Just pay careful attention to the signs he is giving you, & the way he is treating you. Take his lead, and gently follow suite.

Sometimes I just think it is a matter of letting the man take a bit of control of the timing, and you just staying busy with the rest of your life & friends as you can.

Conversely, if you feel like the aggressor, you probably are. That is not exactly the role I like to play as a woman, nor do I feel very comfortable with it.

[ketostix]

I hate when women play hard to get. I can make up my own mind if she desirable without her making herself seem even more difficult. I think girls over play this too much.

[Quiksilver ca]

Women do this to see if you are still committed. As long as the relationship is strong, there should never be any high school drama like this.

 

Perhaps in the initial stages of a relationship in order to create interest, but in a steady relationship, most men I know don't need to go through that b.s.

 

However, it must be said that the attraction/courting stage of a relationship is most fun and unpredictable, many people like the chase and the "does he/she like me or not?" drama.

[Trialbyfire]

If it's easy to get into your pants, you lose value in many guys' eyes. Having said that, if it's the right time and the right place for you, flip them the bird and go for it. If sleeping with someone quickly, is your natural inclination v. a need to validate or keep a guy interested, go for it. If it's the latter, validation and keeping a guy interested, never spread'em, to hold onto anyone. If they won't wait for your comfort level, they're more than welcome to go find a quick lay elsewhere. You'll only cause yourself future grief, if you devalue yourself like this.

 

As for men enjoying a challenge, as usual, they're different. Some do and some don't. One constant I have noticed, is that many players will say they will respect you in the morning but in reality, they never have and never will value you. It's just another way to earn your trust, to get into your pants.

[AussieJack]

AJ, most of the time your posts really put me off something fierce,

 

THank you for that compliment, I take it as that. I always know that feedback like that from a woman is the proof that what I am saying in on the money.. What was that old saying .." the truth hurts . " ?

[blind_otter]

I've witnessed the consequences of making yourself too available - they get tired of you quickly. You also run the risk of getting too serious too fast, before you know the other person well (I don't care if you spend 24/7 with them for 3 weeks, they can still hide certain aspects of their personality).

 

The key is to have a fulfilling, rich life on your own. You shouldn't have to manufacture other things to do besides see whoever you're seeing - you should have hobbies, friends, and interests outside of the R that make it so you cannot be available all the time.

 

Ultimately it's not about playing games or creating something artificial. You should have enough going on in your life that you make time for him, and that is his allotted time. As you get closer and more intimate, you can make MORE time for him.

 

When I first started seeing my SO we saw each other here and there, once a week to a few times a week. But now we have been together nearly 3 years so we see each other every day and live together and spend pretty much all of our free time together. IMO it should be a natural progression. Seeing each other every single day early on in the R is forced and artificial - you don't even know that person.

[NuTuDating]

I agree with AussieJack. If a woman plays hard-to-get, she doesn't keep my interest very long at all. There's a difference between taking it slow and playing hard-to-get. Taking it slow I can deal with. Hard-to-get is a complete turn-off.

[Covonia]

I agree with AussieJack. If a woman plays hard-to-get, she doesn't keep my interest very long at all. There's a difference between taking it slow and playing hard-to-get. Taking it slow I can deal with. Hard-to-get is a complete turn-off.

 

I like a challenge, but I love a challenge I know I will win eventually, that's what I like. I like being in the unknown, unravalling more than just clothes. Wink, Wink.

 

It's like playing 'Where's Wally?", Only I don't see it as a game, more of a test of endurance like bungee jumping from the Empire State Building in the nude.

[NuTuDating]

I like a challenge, but I love a challenge I know I will win eventually, that's what I like. I like being in the unknown, unravalling more than just clothes. Wink, Wink.

 

It's like playing 'Where's Wally?", Only I don't see it as a game, more of a test of endurance like bungee jumping from the Empire State Building in the nude.

 

This is true, but most women I've met that play "hard to get" take it too far, so they get dumped.

[Covonia]

This is true, but most women I've met that play "hard to get" take it too far, so they get dumped.

 

Oh yeah, it's the same for us men, but I generally know when I'm onto a winner and when I can win the competition, I know when I am out of my depth and then basically tell that person to "jog on".

[AussieJack]

 

On a side note, what does it take to win a mans trust?

 

Thanks

 

No need to thank me yet. he he !

 

This issue of trust is simple.It is a close cousin of loyalty.

 

BE honest and congruent in the way that you speak and act.

Do what you say, and say what you mean, do not lie or cheat on him, or play the jealousy card with any of your male "friends", and especially important, be adult enough to admit when you have made a blunder.

Make him and your LTR the "main event" and never betray him by talking with your G/fs about the "confidential" things of your relationship.

 

A woman like that is the kind we want - the marrying kind.

[carhill]

I like a woman with a full, interesting life who is honest with me about it. That means sometimes it won't include me or bend to my wishes. If that's "hard to get", then I like that.

 

AJ, that last thing you mentioned, about the "main event", is why my wife and I are in MC. Thank you for putting a fine point on it.

[Legend]

Throw the game away, if u like the person. available. if not and just want to sleep w/ them, hard to get.

[DanielMadr]

It is artificial imitating of higher value to him and to your ego.

 

Guys are not blind. We can see in a second what value you have (for us) and if you are easy/promiscous/unstable or not.

Whatever you do or wont do wont change your essence, vibes - who you truly are in the end. So if we dont like you that much no game will make us like you more.

 

Being TOO available means that you give us all power and RESPONSIBILITY. And it is a sign of emotinal instability. It is hard to take a responsibility for a girl we hardly know and dont like that much.

 

Why it may seem that Playing Hard to Get works? Because it turns in to the power struggle. The guy chasing you becomes frustrated and hence angry. Angry at you and he wants to catch you to "win". But not to win you, just to win. Opposite of love is not hate but Power.

 

How to Play Hard to Get properly?

 

It has to be meant only as flirting, not an attention or general interest building strategy.

You have to really like the guy (unless you are AW) and he has to know feel that. Forget about not picking up phone, not calling back or flaking. You can do that only in his presence - not to frustrate him. As long as you are not a pro, dont do it.

 

Concentrate on radiating your sexy, emotionaly balanced, loving yourself instead of doing some stunts like HTG. It was ment to be only spice to already ongoing relationship.

 

As a tester of guys interest, learn to trust your gut not some silly techique.

[Lovelybird]

I think the 'hard to get' is derived from observations of how a woman successfully dated or kept a man. If someone apply it, maybe sometimes it succeed a little, but most often they overdid it, such as someone over play the b!tch will get opposite result.

 

Rules are superficial tools, the most important is your core being: if you are a strong woman or not; if you can stand for your value or not; if you let the man to define your own value or not. If you let the man to define your womanhood, then you definitely will become a slave or doormat one day. or if you are afraid of confrontation when it is necessary.

 

Dating or marriage is a daily interaction with another human being. who you really are will soon be exposed. So the key to success is to grow yourself, spiritually, to become a strong but gentle woman who don't rely your self-esteem on a man's approval and acceptance. It is the hardest way to go, but most successful.

 

Another extreme opposite end of 'hard to get' is Idolizing your bf (I see many women here on LS idolize their lover as little god, and suffer from it). it is the quickest way to kill the relationship, and let him lose respect for you

[blondie_and_blue]

I kind of had a breakthrough last night about my relationship. And as others said in their replies, playing hard to get can ruin your chances of a successful relationship.

 

I've been seeing this guy for about six months. In the beginning of our relationship things were really good. (Because I had my own life!) But as things progressed I could see myself more dependent on him, so I tried the aloof game and not being readily available. But playing that type of game was not doing anything positive for our relationship. It finally dawned on me, as I said before I was being too dependent on him. If I didn't get a text when he usually sends one I would almost get a panic attack. "why isn't he sending one? Does he not like me anymore?" Now I realize I have to live my own life. I can't constantly wait for our evening phonecall to complete my day. I can't pretend to not be available at certain times. I have to be happy with myself in order for our relationship to be happy.

 

Now if he has something to do, like watch baseball all day Monday, I can accept that. That's his interests, and that day I can do my own interests. I don't have to worry anymore why isn't he hanging out with me! Just like he knows I like to run on certain days and am not available for him. (and he's fine with that!) I think we just need to remind ourselves we have our own lives, and not to need to revolve around others!