Mrmojorisin Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I just had a vision- a can shaped robot waving accordion like arms and flashing red lights. "Danger Will Robinson, Danger!" Just slap it on the back. That always turns it off!
Mrmojorisin Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 FWIW- I agree with betrayedmm 100% about defining "love". Which is why I also disagree with the statement "you can't control who you fall in love with". Cheaters use the term all the time. BS, I say.
MimiMe Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I just had a vision- a can shaped robot waving accordion like arms and flashing red lights. "Danger Will Robinson, Danger!" HA!!! More like "Disassemble #5"! (Short Circuit -1986) You guys are too much! But yes, that whole "you can't help who you fall in love with" is so played out by the same kind of people it lost the essence it once had. I can understand if you are let's say- filthy rich and fall in "love" with the poolboy.... then HEY!! you can't help who you fall in love with!! but happily committed people... to go outside the sandbox and play with another mate is just plain LAME!! And if you're not "happy" or "in love" why not bounce without bringing more luggage?
NoIDidn't Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Lakeside...I'm going to be direct here. In your case...your wife WAS "to blame" for what she did to you, and its affects on your life and your marriage. Just as YOU are soon to be "to blame" for escalating the situation with your (past?) OW...you're making a conscious, deliberate decision to further your intrusion on her marriage and her life. Its YOUR CHOICE...and YOUR ACTIONS...that are leading up to whatever is coming. That means that you should be accountable and responsible for the outcome of those decisions and actions. To me...that's what "blame" means. ITA with these paragraphs. It seems to me that Lake is now excusing his W's behavior to justify his own? But that's just an observation. Blame isn't that bad of a thing when something really is your own fault. Its called accepting your part, or IOW, owning your own shiiiit. Its not, well, she did it, and I want to continue doing it so I guess I can understand now. That doesn't accept anything, that excuses it. Sorry. But that's how it reads to me.
White Flower Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I think there's a bit of confusion with how we understand the term "love". To me, love is about giving. And, it is something you give someone. It is not about 'instant attraction', obsession, infatuation, adrenalin, fantasy, lust, or insecurity. Those are nothing more that factors that may influence you to give your love to someone. However, since it's something that must be planted and grow, it does not exist the moment you meet someone. Only the seed of potential love exists at that point. Now, if you define love as instant attraction, obsession, infatuation, adrenalin, fantasy, lust and insecurity, then, yes, you can just up and fall in love, and can't help feeling those feelings. There is a problem with this definition- those feelings are temporary, and when they fade, then what? You 'fall' out of love? To me that pattern would be very unsatisfactory in the long run. Falling here, falling there, falling falling everywhere. So, that's why I consider love to be a conscious decision. It's about the way I define love. If I'm wrong, so be it, but if I thought I was wrong I wouldn't define it that way. I think the concept of 'love at first sight' is a myth created by pop media and referring to lust, and I find it sad that so many actually have built belief systems from a twisted definition. You're absolutely right on so many levels. I think you may have misunderstood that some of us realilzed after very, very many years that we're just married to the wrong person. We kept giving and giving and giving to the one person who was supposed to respect and appreciate that, but didn't. Finally, we realized it was never going to work and moved on. I don't even blame him for being the wrong person anymore. I'm not even sure I would want him to 'try' anymore for me. He could have changed, but he would have only resented me later for it. I learned that in IC. As for falling in love with someone new? I spent over 15 months getting to know MM and fell in love with the part of him that was lacking in my H: caring, compassion, respect of a woman (even his W who he's fallen out of love with), consideration, sensitivity, and the list goes on. Chemistry was just a bonus. When that fades, I would have gladly fallen back on the rest because that's the stuff of life. There are all kinds of 'cheaters.' Some of us truly try everything before we resort to having an A. And it's not all about that fleeting 'love at first site' business.
White Flower Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I will say something that bothers me and please forgive me LSD for this. You did write many a blog about married women 'spreading their legs' for OM yet I never saw you describe yourself or your MW in this fashion. I am curious as to why; have you gotten over it since you posted those words on another thread? According to the one you started here, I would suggest so. I for one feel I have experienced pretty much the full spectrum on the subject now because of my H's indiscretion (to put it nicely) and my own A. I no longer blame him but it is not all because I've seen the other side. There were certainly times even during his A and while I experienced great pain, that I could see where his needs were being met and why. For me, it is about accepting and not excusing.
Lovelybird Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 (edited) I am thinking if one partner is the selfish end, and another one is the giving end. cannot the second one confront the selfish one, and seek improvement? A relationship is a dynamic system. your reaction can determine how the other treat you in the future. Like a mother spoil her child. she wants her child to grow up, but continue to do everything for him, don't set boundaries, don't call out on him for disrespect behaviours, she wants her son change, but she didn't change her method at all. The same as couple relationship. You are vital part to change another, NOT by criticizing, but by changing yourself, learning to confronting, and setting boundaries. A person who are afraid to confrontation is who are weak in their value positions, who are afraid to lose their man, but in the end, they become the bitter one, and the first wants to get out the marriage A marriage isn't just about changing and growing another, it is also about growing and changing self. if you fail to see this, you will always blame the other Edited March 29, 2008 by Lovelybird
Lovelybird Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Have you asked God for wisdom? God intented marriage to be good, and he wants you to get the fullness of it. How many times you decide to go your own way instead of asking God for his wisdom?
White Flower Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Have you asked God for wisdom? God intented marriage to be good, and he wants you to get the fullness of it. How many times you decide to go your own way instead of asking God for his wisdom? I suppose you're asking LSD this question, but I'll answer for myself. I asked God for guidance over and over. At first I just thought he wasn't listening. Then I realized what my answer was: not all marriages are meant to last. It was that simple. Of course, silly me, I kept hanging on in my own belief that all marriages could work. I still believe this but both parties need to put in the work. Sadly, only one person was doing that in my M.
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