The Blame Game ... Why?

[LakesideDream]

This may be off topic, is so I apologise. Both my ex wife and I spent at least some time being OW and OM.

 

In my ex wife's case, she was an OW for two decades on and off with one guy. She also occasionally had affairs with co-workers etc. She ended up leaving a 25 year marriage, when both children were grown, for her long term MM. I never "knew" for sure, and only was seriously suspicious once of a co-worker affair.

 

I NEVER BLAMED HER for falling in love, and staying love with the guy (I didn't find out until she was about to leave). What I did blame her for, hated her for, was bitter toward her for was wasting 25 years of my life and "betraying" our marriage. I understand, and understood that we can't control the "feelings" in our hearts. What we can control is our behavior. She was "sleeping" with the guy occasionally before our children were conceived, I would have much rather known then.... than 23 years later. While I wouldn't have the two children I have now, I would have had a better chance at happiness in the prime of my life.

 

I too was a OM for awhile. I know how that feels. While it's nothing to be proud of I understand how/why it happened. I was lucky enough to fall in love, and was willing to be selfish to continue to be happy. And would and hopefully will do it again with the same gal, hoping for a "rest of my life" relationship.

 

I Don't do the "blame" thing very well, meaning putting "blame" on others. I'm willing to take on blame and the responsibility for my actions however.

 

Why is "Blame" so important to so many people. It seems to me that it's easier to let it go and try to be happy when we can.

 

Sorry if my rant bored you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why is "Blame" so important to so many people. It seems to me that it's easier to let it go and try to be happy when we can.

 

It does seem like it would be easier, but letting go is much easier said than done when it comes to matters of the heart, and in particular a heart scorned.

[BetrayedMM]

You answered your own question quite well-

 

What I did blame her for, hated her for, was bitter toward her for was wasting 25 years of my life and "betraying" our marriage.

 

You thought she loved you, yet the whole time it was a lie. It's mind boggling in its cruelty.

 

Why blame them? They chose do do it, no one forced them. They didn't accidentally anything, they make a conscious choice to give their love to someone else. You don't just up and trip and fall in love, you invest in it.

 

And, you're only talking about a love affair, not FWB or ONS. There are no illusions about noble intentions in those kinds of affair. They're simply despicable acts of self gratification.

 

So, yes, it's appropriate to blame the bankrobber for robbing the bank.

 

I get the impression that I missed the point.

[LakesideDream]

It does seem like it would be easier, but letting go is much easier said than done when it comes to matters of the heart, and in particular a heart scorned.

 

LB, I think that's what my post is about. I didn't "blame" my ex for "falling (or staying) in love. I have and had very bad feelings toward her for the consequences.

 

Ah... an ephinany (sp?). I know how wonderful falling in love, and being in love can be. I can't blame her for persuing that truely extatic state of being. It's the carnage that followed that caused/causes my continued bitterness.

 

Thanks for your response, it gave me a clue to my thought process.

[BetrayedMM]

Oh, I get it now. You understand. Yeah, I can understand OJ killing his cheating wife, but I sure don't agree with it. I blame HIM. He's the one who can't control his urges.

[Gwyneth]

 

Why is "Blame" so important to so many people. It seems to me that it's easier to let it go and try to be happy when we can.

 

 

I think I recently answered a similiar question in one of Nadia's threads.

 

While I take full responsibility for the actions I took, I did blame myself and only myself. At the same time, I don't carry on this blame--the OW isn't who I am, but was a piece of a pie that I was for a short time, and a piece of the pie I will never eat again--ever.

 

I think to myself that if I continue to be hard on myself for the actions I took, I'll become just that person--the OW. There is more to me and more to every human being than an instance of an action they took. Blaming is one thing, but self-loathing yourself for an act you conducted isn't necessary. Accept that you did wrong and move on--go back to being fully who you were before the sinful act.

[LakesideDream]

Oh, I get it now. You understand. Yeah, I can understand OJ killing his cheating wife, but I sure don't agree with it. I blame HIM. He's the one who can't control his urges.

 

BetrayedMM, I think we agree. Love, the physical emotional, non felony feeling and extacy that follows is what I'm posting about.

 

Blame as in fixing blame for an illegal action, ie OJ, or even your run of the mill spouse killer like Peterson is something else all together. Leaving someone because you love another, or even cheating is a completely different situation than murdering someone (or robbing a bank for that matter).

 

I can't blame a scorpion for being a scopion, or a starving man for stealing bread.

 

It is a bit confusing sometimes. I'm sure that if my wife's MM didn't have a wife, and later children she would have left me long before the 25 year mark. In fact she tried to 18 months before the eventual d-day. Sadly for her, he "wasn't ready" so they instituted a "four year plan" conspiring to make it all happen when his youngest child was 18 and he wouldn't have to pay child support. She was only able to last the 18 months, she pressured him to leave and he did, he did end up paying some support for his youngest. She actually told me all this stuff before moving out (after agreeing to divorce). I know she told me to "unburden" herself and shed some guilt. Obviously there was also a large component of causing me as much exit pain as possible. She tried to ruin me to make her actions seem reasonable to her family and friends. She failed.

 

While I don't "blame" her for what she did, I am bitter. There is no forgiveness in me for her actions. I will never get back all the crap I lived through trying to make my sham marriage a great on for two and a half decades. I will especially never forgive the last 18 months of the marriage when, coerced by the false notion that the problems in the marriage were mostly mine I set about to be the best MAN possible, reaching deep every day to make her the happiest woman I could.

 

That was just outright fraud on her part, as she wasn't a part of the marriage at all.

[BetrayedMM]

I think I know what you're saying, sort of.

 

You don't hate her for who she is, you hate her actions. It almost sounds like you forgive her. I think maybe someday I may be able to forgive my stbx, but only after the divorce. She is what she is. I'm just pissed at her for lying about what she is for so long, and myself for not seeing it much sooner. But, her actions are inexcusable.

 

The difference for me is I don't understand. I know what she did (or some of it anyway), and who she did (but there may be more), however I can't wrap my mind around the why. If it had been for love, I could understand. Well, whatever it was, it sure wasn't for love. Even pure animal lust would make sense, and it may indeed have been that, but she insists it wasn't that either. Nor unfulfilled needs- even she says part doesn't make any sense. She claims I always met all her needs very well. Uh huh. In other words, I'll never know. I can only speculate about mental illness, low self esteem, etc. Deliberate cruelty? Maybe. Who knows, I'm not even sure she knows.

 

But, hey, once I get my divorce, I'll at least be able to move forward. Blame? It's not a no-fault state. She gets the blame. I won't carry it for her.

[justice]

This may be off topic, is so I apologise. Both my ex wife and I spent at least some time being OW and OM.

 

In my ex wife's case, she was an OW for two decades on and off with one guy. She also occasionally had affairs with co-workers etc. She ended up leaving a 25 year marriage, when both children were grown, for her long term MM. I never "knew" for sure, and only was seriously suspicious once of a co-worker affair.

 

I NEVER BLAMED HER for falling in love, and staying love with the guy (I didn't find out until she was about to leave). What I did blame her for, hated her for, was bitter toward her for was wasting 25 years of my life and "betraying" our marriage. I understand, and understood that we can't control the "feelings" in our hearts. What we can control is our behavior. She was "sleeping" with the guy occasionally before our children were conceived, I would have much rather known then.... than 23 years later. While I wouldn't have the two children I have now, I would have had a better chance at happiness in the prime of my life.

 

I too was a OM for awhile. I know how that feels. While it's nothing to be proud of I understand how/why it happened. I was lucky enough to fall in love, and was willing to be selfish to continue to be happy. And would and hopefully will do it again with the same gal, hoping for a "rest of my life" relationship.

 

I Don't do the "blame" thing very well, meaning putting "blame" on others. I'm willing to take on blame and the responsibility for my actions however.

 

Why is "Blame" so important to so many people. It seems to me that it's easier to let it go and try to be happy when we can.

 

Sorry if my rant bored you.

 

 

I agree with you, it is easier to let it go and be happy. However, blame sometimes absolves guilt. That's my guess anyway. The guilty party doesn't want the guilt so they blame others.

[MimiMe]

This may be off topic, is so I apologise. Both my ex wife and I spent at least some time being OW and OM.

 

In my ex wife's case, she was an OW for two decades on and off with one guy. She also occasionally had affairs with co-workers etc. She ended up leaving a 25 year marriage, when both children were grown, for her long term MM. I never "knew" for sure, and only was seriously suspicious once of a co-worker affair.

 

I NEVER BLAMED HER for falling in love, and staying love with the guy (I didn't find out until she was about to leave). What I did blame her for, hated her for, was bitter toward her for was wasting 25 years of my life and "betraying" our marriage. I understand, and understood that we can't control the "feelings" in our hearts. What we can control is our behavior. She was "sleeping" with the guy occasionally before our children were conceived, I would have much rather known then.... than 23 years later. While I wouldn't have the two children I have now, I would have had a better chance at happiness in the prime of my life.

 

I too was a OM for awhile. I know how that feels. While it's nothing to be proud of I understand how/why it happened. I was lucky enough to fall in love, and was willing to be selfish to continue to be happy. And would and hopefully will do it again with the same gal, hoping for a "rest of my life" relationship.

 

I Don't do the "blame" thing very well, meaning putting "blame" on others. I'm willing to take on blame and the responsibility for my actions however.

 

Why is "Blame" so important to so many people. It seems to me that it's easier to let it go and try to be happy when we can.

 

Sorry if my rant bored you.

 

 

Lakeside... I feel the same as you, with the difference that I never had OM in the picture. I wasted 11yrs of my life and even though most were bliss, now I feel like they were a lie and a waste of time. I too have a child from this relationship. I am 30 yrs old and feel like I have no time to waste dwelling on a "dirt bag". My heart loves him and perhaps always will... but I rather kill the love that I have for him than to waste a life that deserves respect, honesty, love and happiness.

 

I do "blame" him because he made a lot of mistakes. A LOT! That didn't even have to do with infidelity but in a way I feel grateful that he left me now and not when I was 45 or 50.

Hang in there and know that you're not alone!!!

[Mrmojorisin]

Lakeside,

Yes you can blame her for falling in love with another man. Think about it, how does one fall in love? By spending time with another person and sharing intimate details with one another. WTF was she doing spending that kind of time with another man? She should not have let herself get that close to another man.

I cheated on my first wife for the same reason. I spent a lot of time talking with another woman. We were "best" friends for a while, then we started sleeping together.

Now I am married again. How do I make sure I will not cheat again? By not having a close, intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex. By not being alone with another woman.

Dude, you can blame her. She allowed herself to be in a position to fall in love with another man. I know the story, they started by talking, maybe having a cup of coffee or a beer after work. Then one thing lead to another. Well, I know from experience, that if you don't start with the one thing it will not lead to another..

BOTTOM LINE---IT IS ALL HER FAULT, SHE DESERVES ALL THE BLAME...

 

BTW- I know what you are going through. My wife of 7 years was having an affair. I found out this last Christmas....

[MimiMe]

Now that I have read all the responses... Lakeside... I am more in agreement with you. I dont blame him for following his heart (if that's where it is really going to lead him to paradise) but I hate him for his antics. It's been very degrading and poorly handled the way that my ztbxH and his OW are handling things. More like "ghetto". I can tell you stories that you would pee in your pants. I dont think ANYONE has the right to humiliate, use, insult and abuse another person just because they want to have little flying hearts for another.

 

It's been hard being "Me"... but I would hate to be "Her". At least I go to sleep with a clean conscience and clean criminal record!!

[MimiMe]

Lakeside,

Yes you can blame her for falling in love with another man. Think about it, how does one fall in love? By spending time with another person and sharing intimate details with one another. WTF was she doing spending that kind of time with another man? She should not have let herself get that close to another man.

I cheated on my first wife for the same reason. I spent a lot of time talking with another woman. We were "best" friends for a while, then we started sleeping together.

Now I am married again. How do I make sure I will not cheat again? By not having a close, intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex. By not being alone with another woman.

Dude, you can blame her. She allowed herself to be in a position to fall in love with another man. I know the story, they started by talking, maybe having a cup of coffee or a beer after work. Then one thing lead to another. Well, I know from experience, that if you don't start with the one thing it will not lead to another..

BOTTOM LINE---IT IS ALL HER FAULT, SHE DESERVES ALL THE BLAME...

 

BTW- I know what you are going through. My wife of 7 years was having an affair. I found out this last Christmas....

 

 

OH OH! and sorry to sidetrack, but what did you do? are you still with her?

I also share the same ideas as you. People get themselves involved wayyy too deep and then want to pull out the "dont blame me, I feel in love" card and they forget about all the other promises. I know that every situation is different. If you are in a marriage that you really know you dont love the person, then why not walk away? That's not always the case though...

[BetrayedMM]

I'm starting to think I have a mental block, because it still looks like I missed the point.

 

Is this about the tendency of cheaters to try to blame it on everything but themselves? Refusing to take responsibility for one's own actions? Yeah, that's a game alright.

 

Or maybe it's more about being able to get past the ugly feelings?

 

I gotta say, for those of us still right in the middle of a nasty situation, getting past the ugliness is just about impossible. In time, maybe I'll no longer be carrying the burden , but that time hasn't arrived for me.

 

I hope it does, because, I agree, carrying around this kind of resentment, hatred, whatever you want to call it is not good for me. I can let go of HER, but I can't let go of my feelings about this. Yet.

 

Or is it more of a 'Who cares who did what, get over it' thing? Like you tell the kids when they have a fight and you don't have the patience to sort it out? The old 'no fault' thing? Does anyone remember no fault insurance and how much of a disaster that was?

 

Yeah, if it's years past, that makes sense too in a way. The concept that it simply didn't work out, who cares why. I can see it, but I can't feel it. That sounds like just plain getting over it. Would be nice, but I need a fast forward button for that one.

[MimiMe]

I'm starting to think I have a mental block, because it still looks like I missed the point.

 

Is this about the tendency of cheaters to try to blame it on everything but themselves? Refusing to take responsibility for one's own actions? Yeah, that's a game alright.

 

Or maybe it's more about being able to get past the ugly feelings?

 

I gotta say, for those of us still right in the middle of a nasty situation, getting past the ugliness is just about impossible. In time, maybe I'll no longer be carrying the burden , but that time hasn't arrived for me.

 

I hope it does, because, I agree, carrying around this kind of resentment, hatred, whatever you want to call it is not good for me. I can let go of HER, but I can't let go of my feelings about this. Yet.

 

Or is it more of a 'Who cares who did what, get over it' thing? Like you tell the kids when they have a fight and you don't have the patience to sort it out? The old 'no fault' thing? Does anyone remember no fault insurance and how much of a disaster that was?

 

Yeah, if it's years past, that makes sense too in a way. The concept that it simply didn't work out, who cares why. I can see it, but I can't feel it. That sounds like just plain getting over it. Would be nice, but I need a fast forward button for that one.

 

so wait... it's not going to get better?

I am past the stage where your heart literately hurts but I still have all this anger and resentment towards him/them. I am just tunnel vision about moving forward and leaving all that has happened behind, but how am I going to get to a better place if I am carrying all this burden?

[Mrmojorisin]

OH OH! and sorry to sidetrack, but what did you do? are you still with her?

I also share the same ideas as you. People get themselves involved wayyy too deep and then want to pull out the "dont blame me, I feel in love" card and they forget about all the other promises. I know that every situation is different. If you are in a marriage that you really know you dont love the person, then why not walk away? That's not always the case though...

 

We are still together, for now. And trying to work it out. I am getting the truth in nuggets, and still getting lies. I discovered the affair on last Christmas, she denied it. I finally got proof a month later. We are in counseling.

[Owl]

OK...not sure I get the "blame" concept...but I'm a firm believer in people being responsible and accountable for their actions, and how they impact others around them...ESPECIALLY those that they claim to love.

 

I've forgiven my wife for what's happened in the past. That means that I don't "hold it over her head". I don't dig it out for use in any argument. I don't resent her for what happened, nor do I truly dwell on it much at all anymore.

 

I DO however, still hold that she was responsible for her choices and actions. It didn't "just happen". It wasn't in any way "MY fault". It was a result of her [poor] choices and actions. She knowingly chose to do what she did.

 

But...she's also now choosing to do the RIGHT things instead...so there's no reason for any of the past to be raised up and argued about.

 

So do I "blame" her? I guess so. But that's not a bad thing. Its a GOOD thing...because it created an environment that fostered the changes that were needed in her behaviors and choices to make our marriage a good thing.

 

Lakeside...I'm going to be direct here. In your case...your wife WAS "to blame" for what she did to you, and its affects on your life and your marriage. Just as YOU are soon to be "to blame" for escalating the situation with your (past?) OW...you're making a conscious, deliberate decision to further your intrusion on her marriage and her life. Its YOUR CHOICE...and YOUR ACTIONS...that are leading up to whatever is coming.

 

That means that you should be accountable and responsible for the outcome of those decisions and actions. To me...that's what "blame" means.

[MimiMe]

We are still together, for now. And trying to work it out. I am getting the truth in nuggets, and still getting lies. I discovered the affair on last Christmas, she denied it. I finally got proof a month later. We are in counseling.

 

 

Hope it all works itself out... Good luck to you!

[BetrayedMM]

Mimi, I've only gotten her outta here 2 weeks ago now, and the drama, begging, bawling, whining etc. was and is hard to bear. About 2 weeks until she gets served the divorce papers, which she does not know for sure are on the way. I fully expect the drama to escalate. Ya see, her OM never wanted anything to do with her, but sex. She never had feelings for him either according to her. There is no one for her to fall back on, she is on her own now. And, since I've never been given a logical reason or even excuse, there's nothing for me to understand.

 

If I go and start letting her get to me, I'll lose my resolve. But, I know this woman is poison to my soul, and only desperate now because of her loss of security. Too bad. But, love? I really don't think she's capable of that. No matter how many times she claims to 'love' me, I know it's a lie. At no time during all of this were my feelings taken into account, only hers.

 

Strangely, she really does say this is all her fault! That's completely out of character for her. I don't really know what to make of it, but I do agree on that point.

 

Yes, of course it will get better in time, for me but not for US. How will I get to that better place while carrying the burden of all these nasty emotions? One step at a time. Each step is and will be exhausting, but hopefully I'll gain enough strength to more easily take those steps. I think of it like carrying a heavy backpack every day. After a year, you hardly notice the extra weight. But, yes, magically eliminating the burden would be nice.

[MimiMe]

Mimi, I've only gotten her outta here 2 weeks ago now, and the drama, begging, bawling, whining etc. was and is hard to bear. About 2 weeks until she gets served the divorce papers, which she does not know for sure are on the way. I fully expect the drama to escalate. Ya see, her OM never wanted anything to do with her, but sex. She never had feelings for him either according to her. There is no one for her to fall back on, she is on her own now. And, since I've never been given a logical reason or even excuse, there's nothing for me to understand.

 

If I go and start letting her get to me, I'll lose my resolve. But, I know this woman is poison to my soul, and only desperate now because of her loss of security. Too bad. But, love? I really don't think she's capable of that. No matter how many times she claims to 'love' me, I know it's a lie. At no time during all of this were my feelings taken into account, only hers.

 

Strangely, she really does say this is all her fault! That's completely out of character for her. I don't really know what to make of it, but I do agree on that point.

 

Yes, of course it will get better in time, for me but not for US. How will I get to that better place while carrying the burden of all these nasty emotions? One step at a time. Each step is and will be exhausting, but hopefully I'll gain enough strength to more easily take those steps. I think of it like carrying a heavy backpack every day. After a year, you hardly notice the extra weight. But, yes, magically eliminating the burden would be nice.

 

 

I hear you... G*d has been good to me in the fact that my stbxH is incarcerated and decided to end our marriage while being away. So I dont see him, speak to him or am I able to reach out to him. It's been easier staying away.

 

I do periodically receive letters, which I dont reply to.

Just got one this week that needed my attention... He is now saying that he "f*cked up a good home and that if he does end up with OW and things go well, he will always live with the guilt of what he did to me and if things dont go well...then he'll really know he made the biggest mistake of his life". Where I got a kick out of was the part where he said " Bare with me on this one. I am not asking you to wait, because obviously you may be already seeing someone else. Just let me do this for me, and I will pay the consequences later. I need to know for myself that I am over my BS".

WTF is that supposed to mean??? "BARE" with him??? What am I? Lay-a-way plan?

And what's his "BS"... does his OW know he calls their thang "BS"?

[White Flower]

I disagree with the idea of blaming someone for falling in love with another person. I do, however, agree on blaming someone if that new love is not disclosed to your life partner. Put it on the table and discuss it. Try not to let it become PA before it is discussed if at all possible. At any rate, make the changes neccessary in order to live your life according to your needs and be respectful that your spouse needs to figure out their life as well.

 

LakesideDream, she could have told you long ago so it's easy to understand your blaming her for stringing you along for so long. But I'm glad you understand that she fell in love and that you don't blame her for that.

[BetrayedMM]

I think there's a bit of confusion with how we understand the term "love".

 

To me, love is about giving. And, it is something you give someone. It is not about 'instant attraction', obsession, infatuation, adrenalin, fantasy, lust, or insecurity. Those are nothing more that factors that may influence you to give your love to someone. However, since it's something that must be planted and grow, it does not exist the moment you meet someone. Only the seed of potential love exists at that point.

 

Now, if you define love as instant attraction, obsession, infatuation, adrenalin, fantasy, lust and insecurity, then, yes, you can just up and fall in love, and can't help feeling those feelings. There is a problem with this definition- those feelings are temporary, and when they fade, then what? You 'fall' out of love? To me that pattern would be very unsatisfactory in the long run. Falling here, falling there, falling falling everywhere.

 

So, that's why I consider love to be a conscious decision. It's about the way I define love. If I'm wrong, so be it, but if I thought I was wrong I wouldn't define it that way.

 

I think the concept of 'love at first sight' is a myth created by pop media and referring to lust, and I find it sad that so many actually have built belief systems from a twisted definition.

[bentnotbroken]

I think there's a bit of confusion with how we understand the term "love".

 

To me, love is about giving. And, it is something you give someone. It is not about 'instant attraction', obsession, infatuation, adrenalin, fantasy, lust, or insecurity. Those are nothing more that factors that may influence you to give your love to someone. However, since it's something that must be planted and grow, it does not exist the moment you meet someone. Only the seed of potential love exists at that point.

 

Now, if you define love as instant attraction, obsession, infatuation, adrenalin, fantasy, lust and insecurity, then, yes, you can just up and fall in love, and can't help feeling those feelings. There is a problem with this definition- those feelings are temporary, and when they fade, then what? You 'fall' out of love? To me that pattern would be very unsatisfactory in the long run. Falling here, falling there, falling falling everywhere.

 

So, that's why I consider love to be a conscious decision. It's about the way I define love. If I'm wrong, so be it, but if I thought I was wrong I wouldn't define it that way.

 

I think the concept of 'love at first sight' is a myth created by pop media and referring to lust, and I find it sad that so many actually have built belief systems from a twisted definition.

 

 

 

 

Agreed. Love is a choice like everything else in life. If we feelings is all we use to guide us, why not quite a job when you are pissed at the boss? Or why not dismiss family members when we no longer like who they are? Why not disown our children, when they disappoint us? Choices are based on what inside of us, what makes our character. Choices are evidence of where our soul is.

[MimiMe]

I think there's a bit of confusion with how we understand the term "love".

 

To me, love is about giving. And, it is something you give someone. It is not about 'instant attraction', obsession, infatuation, adrenalin, fantasy, lust, or insecurity. Those are nothing more that factors that may influence you to give your love to someone. However, since it's something that must be planted and grow, it does not exist the moment you meet someone. Only the seed of potential love exists at that point.

 

Now, if you define love as instant attraction, obsession, infatuation, adrenalin, fantasy, lust and insecurity, then, yes, you can just up and fall in love, and can't help feeling those feelings. There is a problem with this definition- those feelings are temporary, and when they fade, then what? You 'fall' out of love? To me that pattern would be very unsatisfactory in the long run. Falling here, falling there, falling falling everywhere.

 

So, that's why I consider love to be a conscious decision. It's about the way I define love. If I'm wrong, so be it, but if I thought I was wrong I wouldn't define it that way.

 

I think the concept of 'love at first sight' is a myth created by pop media and referring to lust, and I find it sad that so many actually have built belief systems from a twisted definition.

 

 

I love you!

If more people thought like you... some wouldn't marry at the jump and the divorce rate would not be sky-rocking.

But with your theory I must add a clause- Parenthood is love at first drop! forget sight!

[BetrayedMM]

I love you!

I just had a vision- a can shaped robot waving accordion like arms and flashing red lights.

 

"Danger Will Robinson, Danger!"