Two Days Together, Two Days NC

[Phoenix11]

BF & I spent the past Friday and Saturday together. Had a nice time. Things did not go exactly as planned, but managed to make the best of it and had some "highlight moments".

 

We got on each others nerves just a tad. He complained about my driving. Got lost due to his multiple bathroom breaks. Couldn't decide where to have lunch...he actually lost his mind over this decision....could have been the 3 hour road trip. He took offensive to the "tone" of our waiter. Our waiter was straight up NY Brooklyn...to know it is to luv it. But my guy wouldn't let it go...he's use to how people speak in the South. Later that evening, he kicks me repeatedly in bed and takes all the cover while I freeze my butt off. Next day he alleges I snore (never happened). Must have been himself he heard snoring (happened).

 

We finally wrap up the weekend and snuggle the afternoon away...nice. He tried to tempt me into staying over to Sunday by making a wonderful dinner for us.

 

So what's wrong? I haven't heard from him in two days. He is usually not the phone person, but given our weekend bonding I thought the phone contact would pick up.

 

I will not call him. I have chased him enough. I was just wondering if the weekend mishaps have him reconsidering our relationship. You know...maybe we are just OK together, but not really floating each other boat.

 

It wasn't a great weekend, but pleasant.

 

P.S. He did say I over analyze things...is that what I'm doing?

[Amy22]

I have a couple questios how long have you two been together and how often does he usually call you? I am not sure the weekend of bonding would make him call you more. So if it is normal for him to go a few days without calling I wouldn't worry about it. I think him trying to get you to stay until Sunday is a good sign. I mean if he was aggravated and you were getting on his nerves I don't think he would have asked you to stay. I think this is something you might just have to wait a couple days to see if he calls and what is going on.

 

I am a bad person to say if you are over analyzing because I tend to do the same thing so I won't answer that question.

Good Luck Amy

[AussieJack]

We got on each others nerves just a tad. He complained about my driving. Got lost due to his multiple bathroom breaks.

?

 

You two sound just like my brother and his wife - they have been married ten years and are your typical "old married couple "- ha ha ha !

[melodymatters]

Doesn't sound that terrific for YOU either phoenix....maybe take a day and ask yourself why you care what HE is thinking ?

[Advocate's Devilette]

Yes there is a problem if he hasn't contacted you. A boyfriend who is crazy about you calls at least once a day, that's a fact. He's just not that into you, sorry.

[Phoenix11]

Ok...we were heading into our 4th day of NC. Then this morning I get an email from him telling me to call him before 10:50am today. My question is...why don't he just pick up the phone and call me if he is available between the time he type the stupid email and 10:50.

 

Anyway...I called him...curiosity got the best of me. We confirmed how busy we both are, and made a observation about the weather. That's it. Amazing, considering the level of intimacy we shared over the weekend. It's like we are meeting/greeting someone for the first time. Call lasted exactly 2:22 minutes.

 

Maybe...he was trying to gauge my state of mind? If I didn't call, then he would know I was pissed about something. By me calling then he could assume everything is good, and the lack of communication is just due to us both being busy.

[Legend]

hell ya your over analyzing, and he's probably pissed that you didn't stay and he made a nice dinner.

tsk tsk.if a guy takes the time to cook, u do what he asks.

[Phoenix11]

How do you feel now that you talked to him? Better? Worse? I'm going through a little of the same with my bf.. the lack of communication is really hard on me.

 

 

I feel more confused than ever. I'm thinking maybe he wanted to tell me something bad when I called, but chickened out. I mean really, that was a conversation we could have done without.

 

He ended the call by saying he would talk to me soon (light heartedly). We have no plans for this weekend and probably none for the entire month of April because besides his profession, he also coaches softball. His team has a game scheduled one day out of each weekend for the whole month of April.

 

In the midst of our wacky weekend, he did say things are going well with his work and he should be able to focus more on his life and family. He followed that statement up by saying I was his family.

 

I'm at a complete lost with him.

[StartingOver07]

Is this the guy you met online a while ago or someone new?

[Phoenix11]

Is this the guy you met online a while ago or someone new?

 

 

What a good memory you have StartingOver. Things have gotten better between us since Jan, but we still have some odd issues.

 

• Lack of phone contact.
  
• He always want me to make the first gesture, either by phone or email. Then he is happy to respond...sorta...he's usually very brief.
  
• Distant and work schedule is a big challenge.
  
• and then there's that other thing...
  

[StartingOver07]

But wasn't there some major weirdness that made you two break up? I'm going to have to search for your post now because I don't remember the details, but I could have sworn he did something really off-putting...

[Phoenix11]

But wasn't there some major weirdness that made you two break up? I'm going to have to search for your post now because I don't remember the details, but I could have sworn he did something really off-putting...

 

 

There were a few things like...

• His insistance about coming over to my house on our first date.
  
• Telling me the "L" word on our 2nd date.
  
• Making things my fault because he said I was sending him mixed signals.
  
• I'm sure there were more....but let's not go there again...please
  

[StartingOver07]

There were a few things like...

• His insistance about coming over to my house on our first date.
  
• Telling me the "L" word on our 2nd date.
  
• Making things my fault because he said I was sending him mixed signals.
  
• I'm sure there were more....but let's not go there again...please
  

 

Ok. I wasn't wanting to go there to rehash the past. I guess I am not sure what changed that made you get back together with him. You seemed pretty unhappy at the time. And it doesn't sound as though things are much different now. Or am I missing somethng?

[Phoenix11]

Ok. I wasn't wanting to go there to rehash the past. I guess I am not sure what changed that made you get back together with him. You seemed pretty unhappy at the time. And it doesn't sound as though things are much different now. Or am I missing somethng?

 

 

I sent him an email breaking up with him basically because I wasn't getting enough "us" time with him. He accepted the breakup pretty swiftly, which lead many on this board to conclude that he wasn't that into me. It appeared I gave him an "out" and he took it without hesitation. Weeks went by of us doing NC, then I couldn't take it anymore and email him. I broke the ice by asking him where he's been all this time. He chimed back..."you want to know where I've been, re-reading your "Goodbye" email over and over. Ouch!

 

We chatted and discussed our issues and he proclaimed if I was willing to give it another shot, he would prove to me how serious he is about moving our relationship forward. Music to my ears.

 

We both are still a little tenative with each other. There's still the issue of distance, and his work schedule, him not having a cell phone, and no online access at home. These are tools of the modern relationship...right?

 

When we are together things are fine, but just as we are at the point of letting our guard down, it's time to part. Then there's another huge gap in time before we get to spend quality time with each other again.

[StartingOver07]

Are you happy with this r/s? It seems to have a lot of issues. Each one in isolation might be small, but taken together, it doesn't seem optimistic.

 

For instance, you say that when you are together, things are fine, but the weekend you describe does not seem very fine to me, especially in the context of "new love" and all that. And then there are all these control issues over who will call whom.

 

Is he very poor? You say he doesn't have a cell phone, but can he afford to get one? Even if not, does he not have a land line at home he could call you from? I am old enough to have dated before cell phones, email and instant mesenger and somehow men managed to stay in contact with the women they pursued (and vice versa). In other words, if that's not happening here, I don't think it is about his lack of cell phone.

 

Have you been to his house? Are you sure there is not a wife or gf in the scene? This is not something I typically ask but this guy's behavior seems quite bizaare.

[Phoenix11]

Are you happy with this r/s? It seems to have a lot of issues. Each one in isolation might be small, but taken together, it doesn't seem optimistic.

 

For instance, you say that when you are together, things are fine, but the weekend you describe does not seem very fine to me, especially in the context of "new love" and all that. And then there are all these control issues over who will call whom.

 

Is he very poor? You say he doesn't have a cell phone, but can he afford to get one? Even if not, does he not have a land line at home he could call you from? I am old enough to have dated before cell phones, email and instant mesenger and somehow men managed to stay in contact with the women they pursued (and vice versa). In other words, if that's not happening here, I don't think it is about his lack of cell phone.

 

Have you been to his house? Are you sure there is not a wife or gf in the scene? This is not something I typically ask but this guy's behavior seems quite bizaare.

 

Got another email from him this morning asking me to call him at work at 10:30. If he knows when he is going to be available, why not just call then. I think he enjoys being chased.

 

No, he's not very poor. He has made up in his mind that society is worse off because of cell phones. He feels it gives people a pass to be rude in public...like talking on the phone in restaurants, and texting while driving. He said once the only valid reason he would consider getting one is so his elderly mother can reach him...and if I insisted he got one. Who am I to insist. Once again, it's all about me chasing him.

 

I have been to his house on many occassions, and there is no wife or gf...this I'm sure of.

 

I'm beginning to think this is all about each of us tempering down the pace of things. At first he wanted full access, all in. It made me uncomfortable. Sometimes, he still tries by asking who I'm talking to on the phone, or testing the waters to see if I'm comfortable enough with him to get my keys or something out of my handbag.

 

Then there's this love thing. He tells me he loves me almost everytime during sex, not so much any other time, and never in written form...like in an email or IM.

 

Tell me if I'm over analyzing.

[StartingOver07]

I can't tell you that you are over-analyzing, because I am not convinced that you are.

 

I am pretty convinced that you are wrongly analysing.

 

There is something here that doesn't pass the smell test and while I can't exactly put my finger on it, maybe you can.

 

Love that is only spoken of during sex doesn't necessarily mean anything, imo. Some people just say it then out of... I don't know what. But when a man (or a woman) wants to say "I love you" for real, it typically happens outside of bed.

 

The phone thing sounds like a huge red herring/control issue. As I pointed out, long before there were cell phones, couples managed to date, stay in touch, progress their relationship, etc. The fact that he cannot do these things and that one (or both) of you blames it on a lack of cell-phone is to totally miss the point. The behavior of telling you to call him at a certain time would make sense only iif was too poor to make a long-distance call to you, and even then, I'd expect him to find a more graceful way to arrange it.

 

What are this man's good qualities? In what ways -- outside of bed -- does he make you feel cherished? What do you like about him? What does he like about you?

[Phoenix11]

I can't tell you that you are over-analyzing, because I am not convinced that you are.

 

I am pretty convinced that you are wrongly analysing.

 

There is something here that doesn't pass the smell test and while I can't exactly put my finger on it, maybe you can.

 

Love that is only spoken of during sex doesn't necessarily mean anything, imo. Some people just say it then out of... I don't know what. But when a man (or a woman) wants to say "I love you" for real, it typically happens outside of bed.

 

The phone thing sounds like a huge red herring/control issue. As I pointed out, long before there were cell phones, couples managed to date, stay in touch, progress their relationship, etc. The fact that he cannot do these things and that one (or both) of you blames it on a lack of cell-phone is to totally miss the point. The behavior of telling you to call him at a certain time would make sense only iif was too poor to make a long-distance call to you, and even then, I'd expect him to find a more graceful way to arrange it.

 

What are this man's good qualities? In what ways -- outside of bed -- does he make you feel cherished? What do you like about him? What does he like about you?

 

StartingOver,

 

You almost have me in tears over this. I really can't answer most of your questions about him and this worries me.

 

I do know he is kind, considerate, sensitive, driven by his career (tunnel visioned, it's the only thing that matters to him). I adore his intelligence. I really don't know what he likes about me...I truely have no clue. He wants to be "in" my life, but everything just feels so awkward when we are not together.

 

Maybe you are sensing something I have not stated before. We are dating outside of our races...but that should not and is not a problem for either of us. Maybe I'm oblivious that this is creating an underlining tension between us. I really don't know.

 

I so badly want to figure this out. He has done nothing wrong, but why won't this relationship just flow?

[StartingOver07]

I'm sorry. I don't mean for you to be in tears.

 

I understand that people post on loveshack when there's a problem, so there's a tendency to see the absent "partner" as the bad guy, because all we hear are the problems. But I am not hearing from you why you so want this man in your life, how he is enriching your life. And, at the risk of upsetting you more (although this is not my intent), from what you've posted about him, I don't get a "kind and considerate" vibe about him.

 

As for race.... While I can see that being of different races could complicate things, that could spin in either direction and land in the same place: he is worried you will feel superior to him (b/c of race) and so he asserts his "authority" OR he feels superior to you (b/c of race) and so he asserts his "authority." So much for that analysis.

 

One race-related reason the relationship might not go has to do with the future, though. Do you want kids? Does he? Would inter-racial children be a problem for you, him, your family or his family? I know, I know, it's 2008 and everyone should be past this but lots of people are not. This could be causng one or both of you to hold back.

 

But...

 

I am still inclined to believe that your problems transcend race. What were his other relationships like? How does he speak about the women who came before you? If they were all villains who did him wrong, that's a red flag, imo.

[Phoenix11]

I'm sorry. I don't mean for you to be in tears.

 

I understand that people post on loveshack when there's a problem, so there's a tendency to see the absent "partner" as the bad guy, because all we hear are the problems. But I am not hearing from you why you so want this man in your life, how he is enriching your life. And, at the risk of upsetting you more (although this is not my intent), from what you've posted about him, I don't get a "kind and considerate" vibe about him.

 

As for race.... While I can see that being of different races could complicate things, that could spin in either direction and land in the same place: he is worried you will feel superior to him (b/c of race) and so he asserts his "authority" OR he feels superior to you (b/c of race) and so he asserts his "authority." So much for that analysis.

 

One race-related reason the relationship might not go has to do with the future, though. Do you want kids? Does he? Would inter-racial children be a problem for you, him, your family or his family? I know, I know, it's 2008 and everyone should be past this but lots of people are not. This could be causng one or both of you to hold back.

 

But...

 

I am still inclined to believe that your problems transcend race. What were his other relationships like? How does he speak about the women who came before you? If they were all villains who did him wrong, that's a red flag, imo.

 

He usually will not discuss his previous relationships. For the longest time I thought all of he ex-girlfrieds were buried in a ditch somewhere. Just kidding. His response to the topic is:

I don't want to talk about it.

My reply: how am I going to get to know you?

His reply: in time

My relpy: OK "October" boy. We can't talk about the weather forever.

His relpy: OK then damn-it, now I'm going to be in a bad mood. What do you want to know.

 

With that type of reaction, who wants to talk. Anyway, we do manage to discuss prior relationships to some degree. And surprisingly, he has been quite the ladies man. Not a player, but not the wallflower either. I mean, one girl he dated he worked with at another job. She spoke 6 languages fluently, and was his equal professionally. They had the same educational background and work history. Most girls he has dated are attracted by his perceived status, but he is as basic as they come. No fancy car, no fancy house, or clothes...oh and of course no cell phone..lol basic, basic basic. I find it refreshing.

 

 

Funny, my day ended with him just as it begun...with an email stating...."I'm here....until 4". That was it! Once again my cue to call him.

 

Why do I want him in my life? How is he enriching my life? I guess because I can see he so much wants to be a part of my life. The willingness is there, he's just lost as to how to go about it.

[Jilly Bean]

Why do I want him in my life? How is he enriching my life? I guess because I can see he so much wants to be a part of my life. The willingness is there, he's just lost as to how to go about it.

 

Yeah, sorry, Phoenix - I just don't see that he wants in your life too much.

 

You sound like you had a horrid weekend together (the description sounded hellish - I don't care if it ended with cuddling - lol). He never calls you. He doesn't make efforts to see you. He emails you and demands you to call him when he is available, and you do. Basically, he puts forth no effort, and you have enabled him so he doesn't have to.

 

I think you want him in your life because you don't want to be alone. Though I don't think you realize being with the wrong person (as you are) is far worse than being single. It's a self-esteem thing, and also a reflection of one's inability to be alone.

 

I remember this guy from the winter, and I remember just about everyone telling you to cut him out of your life. Why didn't you do that? I still don't see the value of him in your life, nor does he seem to enrich it at all.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah, sorry, Phoenix - I just don't see that he wants in your life too much.

 

You sound like you had a horrid weekend together (the description sounded hellish - I don't care if it ended with cuddling - lol). He never calls you. He doesn't make efforts to see you. He emails you and demands you to call him when he is available, and you do. Basically, he puts forth no effort, and you have enabled him so he doesn't have to.

 

I think you want him in your life because you don't want to be alone. Though I don't think you realize being with the wrong person (as you are) is far worse than being single. It's a self-esteem thing, and also a reflection of one's inability to be alone.

 

I remember this guy from the winter, and I remember just about everyone telling you to cut him out of your life. Why didn't you do that? I still don't see the value of him in your life, nor does he seem to enrich it at all.

 

I agree with every word, JB.