Do I have dinner with him or not?

[feel_sick]

Hi everyone, I am new.

I will try and summarize my problem.

I've been married 10 years, 2 small children.

Had been dealing with a workaholic husband who doesn't come home at night sometimes and definetly goes out 2-3 times a week until 3:30 am or so.

Recently after he didn't come home, I put my foot down, I told him if he didn't grow up, I wanted a divorce. After many "I wasn't doing anything! I slept over John's house! I was too drunk to drive!" conversations, him whining, "I don't want a divorce" blah blah... I finally started noticing semen stains on his clothing...or at least what looks like it (lol)

I confronted him about it on Sunday, and he was dead silent. He eventually said "I don't know..." then finally (after he looked like he was searching for words) he blurted out "I'm just not happy" I said "for how long?" he said he didn't know. I asked again if there was someone else, he said, no.

He said he doesn't know what he wants to do. I asked him if he wants to work it out, he says he does, but contridicts himself by saying he doesn't know what he wants. He isn't interested in councelling.

Yesterday, I invite him out of coffee to talk, he is unable to "talk about stuff like this" He continues to contridict himself, but it seems that more so today, he doesn't want to try, and that "we're too different" I ask him if we should sell the house and he blurts out "no! That's our house!"

(Ours?) The conversation was very uneventful in the end, and solved nothing.

Today he asked me if me and the kids wanted to meet for dinner. I have no idea whether or not I should go. I know he just wants to see the kids (I think? Because he won't bother to speak to them until Sunday when he's home/off work)

I don't know if I should accomodate this, basically I am just fishing for more information about any cheating activity so I can file for infidelity and not irreconsilible diff. He has money, and I do not. I spent 90% of the marriage raising our kids while he built his businesses.

ANY advice at all would be most grateful. I basically feel at this point I need to "Play some sort of a part" Do some serious acting. I just don't know how I'm supposed to act. Do I act like I care? Act like I don't? I would just "be myself" but I am looking for the best way to get my way in the divorce proceedings.

Edited March 26, 2008 by feel_sick

[carhill]

Assuming you live in a fault divorce state, I would think that a divorce lawyer would be the best source of strategy information. This site is more for support and relationship help.

 

Are you clear that you want a divorce? Think about that carefully. You still sound very engaged. Do you still love your husband? If you do, I think money might be initially better spent on MC/IC so at least you'll divorce for the right reasons. If he won't go, go by yourself.

 

Hopefully others will have further suggestions....

[jmargel]

He isn't interested in councelling.

 

That should tell you everything right there. Do you honestly think, things will change for the better without doing anything about it?

 

He hasn't come clean about his cheating, and he trying to justify his behavior. You need to show some tough love. What have you been getting out of this marriag the past so many years? Also, I would recommend you get tested for STDs.

 

He has cheated, don't believe his lies.

[feel_sick]

Hi carhill, I live in a fault state.

If he is cheating, I want a divorce, only because at this point, if he is, I've been lied to. I've asked him, and he says he isn't. If he doesn't have the respect to give me the information to make informed decisions about MY life, then EFF him!

 

jmargel, thank you, ugh, I know. No things will not change. I am just trying to think of the best strategy.

Thank you for the advice about the stds. I think this is VERY good advice, I've been tested 3 weeks ago for everything, I am clean, thank god. (Although I almost wish I had something cureable to end the speculation) He certainly wouldn't be using condoms, now would he?

[2sunny]

he's cheating.

 

start paying more attention to where he actually is and with whom...

 

the info you find out should tell you what you need to file for D.

[carhill]

I still think too many assumptions are being made. How long long have you been suspicious of his actions? Any correlation with your last pregnancy?

 

I wouldn't go to dinner with him just yet. Doing what you sound like you want to do requires a calm, clear head.

 

So far he has denied infidelity and you are clear of STD's. That's good. He isn't giving you the information you say you need. That's not good. Is there any corroboration from "John"? Credit card receipts from a bar? Phone records? Ask him for specifics.

 

A good female friend of mine whom I think has a "player" for a BF told me recently that, when she confronts her BF, he always tells her he answers "specific questions". So, ask specific questions

[feel_sick]

hi 2sunny,

trust me, I am trying as hard as I can with that...but I do have 2 kids (one who is 3) so actual surveillance of him is almost impossible.

He has only one close friend (friend is a horrible person who left his wife while they were trying to concieve because he met a waitress at my husband's bar) So yeah, that's who he says he hangs out with...which is almost just as bad as a "mistress"

Carhill, I have been suspuctious of him since July. I started logging all the nights he didn't come home/came home much too late after the bars close. I stopped logging in the fall, because he seemed to be around more. I started again in January when he had another "exciting month"

"John" is MUCH WORSE than him as far as morality goes, as you can see why above. He is truly bad news. As far as CC receipts, he uses his expense account for everything. He goes out to dinner at least 1-2 times a week (and to nice places. He usually spends $250 or more on 1 dinner)

So he isn't using "our" money.

Trust me, I've checked his phone, his car, consistantly, I've found nothing. I can't get a hold of detailed call logs because he has a business cell.

[feel_sick]

And actually he called me an hour ago to let me know he was picking up my son from school (this is RARE!) I politely said, "great, thanks!" kept it very short and sweet.

He calls an hour later and says he has more stuff to do at work, and asks me to "just meet him at The Seascape" (a restaurant in my city)

I hesitated and said, "...oh...welll, you could just drop Kevin(my son) off?"

him-"oh...well let's just get some dinner? What you don't want to???"

me- (still hesitant) "Er...Um yeah I guess"

him-(pausing, somewhat shocked) "You don't want to?"

me- No I'll see you at 5:30!"

 

Ugh, so this is how he ropes me into dinner???

[carhill]

He's a typical guy. Doesn't read between the lines. Is successful because he's persistent. Many of the things which attracted you.

 

The friend I mentioned above stayed with her X for years because of that cr@p and he cheated on her repeatedly. It's just a bullshyte line that he knows works with you (and likely many others).

 

Just wait until he gets served. Let the games begin

[guessjeans]

One of the most important lessons I've learned in my 47 yrs of living is that we teach people how to treat us!

 

We all have boundries. Yep..present company included, we have accommodated those that we love more than we should, but at the end of the day, like our children, if we dont set up rules and regulations on how we want them to treat us as their parents, and other people they will come in contact with on a daily basis, the child will have no structure, no meaning.

 

Its the same in relationships, where it be an ex spouse or a present spouse, the rules that we let lack, that we let slide, must come back and be inforced because ppl will take us to our limits to see how far we will bend, before we break..its human nature...we have all tested boundries at work or at play.

 

You have to reset those boundries and stand up for how you deserve to be respected. There is a saying, a man:s last words will never be, god, I wished I could have worked another day so I could have finished the paperwork on that project, but that he loves his family and values them for the contribution they have brought to enrich his time on this planet.

 

One day, that man will sit back and pat himself on the back for all his hardwork he has put into building an "empire", but when he looks around to those that mean the most to him to help celebrate his accomplishment, there wont be anyone there, and might realize what his success has cost him.

 

You and your children deserve a full time loving husband and father. If he isnt willing to put that first, then its time to give this man a wake up call, and let him realize that you wont be second to nobody or nothing, and that you will leave him to build his empire, while you yourself, by yourself, tend to raising the most important empire, that of emotionally and physically healthy children.

[jmargel]

You can goto cheaters.com and they will investigate, just that you have to agree to be on TV if they catch him in something.

 

You can also hide a digital voice recorder in his car. It will pick up any conversations in his vehicle.

 

The semen stains is a sure sign he is cheating, it's just not an assumption. You need to stand up for yourself, you agreeing to goto dinner with him is an indication on how this marriage goes. He does what he wants and he just applies a little pressure to you and you agree to him.

 

Unless you start standing up for yourself and stop tolerating his behavior then nothing will change. His words are meaningless.

[blind_otter]

I've been tested 3 weeks ago for everything, I am clean, thank god. (Although I almost wish I had something cureable to end the speculation) He certainly wouldn't be using condoms, now would he?

 

Make sure to go back and get tested in three months. Some STDs (like HIV) have an incubation period. Also, did you ask for a herpes and HPV screen? They don't do those normally unless you ask outright for them.

[feel_sick]

Well as you all know, I went to dinner- it was fine, since the kids are a total distraction- especially our toddler. Him and I didn't really talk, but it wasn't noticable to the kids, I think. By going to dinner, I feel I took a step back. I will not go to dinner again. Him asking me to dinner and not speaking much is passive aggresive of him, and I don't want to play that game. If he won't communicate, I give up. I just don't know what to do...I need answers. I need all the facts, and it is so unfair I am put in this situation by someone who was supposed to love and support me.

My stomach has felt sick all week. I thought it was the flu, but it is obviously stress. When does this go away? Should I see my doctor?

[jmargel]

IMO you should see a doctor and let him know the situation. I would also suggest a counselor.

 

The upsetment won't go away until you have found resolution. The times I went through this, was the worst thing imaginable. However, it does get better.

 

May I ask.. what are you getting out of this marriage? When was the last time you felt happy about your marriage?

[luvenoluveno]

Marriage is the royal scam for everyone involved, but that's neither here nor there...

 

Concerning your husband, it does seem as if he is keeping some major secrets from you.

 

I'd hire an investigator to actually get proof of whether or not he is participating in uncouth deeds. This will either give you peace of mind, or give you evidence.

 

If you find evidence, you will be able to clean up in court. The justice system is completely unfairly biased towards women! So use it to your advantage.

[jmargel]

I disagree, men get screwed in getting custody and visitation. Also the whole point about alimony is a crock.

 

Child support? Most of that the ex-wife uses for herself. Half of that should go into an account for the child for when they turn 18.

 

Marriages are not scams, seems like you have been jaded.

[feel_sick]

jmargel, I can't remember getting anything from this relationship for quite some time. The last time I felt truly happy was before my daughter was born. That may sound horrible, but even though I love my daughter, I think a second child put a lot of strain on the relationship. She is 3 now, so it was quite a while ago that I felt like we were all in this together. luvenoluveno, I have certainly considered a PI, I'm not sure I want to spend the money. I have no idea what his plan is, but ever since we had the "I'm unhappy" talk, he's been coming home early from work. I have no idea what he has up his sleeve.

I too disagree that marriage is a scam. I will not allow him to make me hate men. I am thinking of myself as being trusting, rather than naive. I see trusting as a good quality. Sounds cliche, but I won't be a victim.

[stampdaddy]

Hey you... just follow your gut... FOLLOW YOR GUT! take 2 maybe 3 or 4 steps doing that.. see where it takes you... it WON'T take you off of a cliff, but IT WILL take you forward

[feel_sick]

Thanks stampdaddy-

I decided I'm going to tell him to move out. Since he "doesn't know what he wants" I will make the decision for him.

I am just worried he won't go...because then I won't know what to do from there..

[Gunny376]

Me, myself, and I?

 

I'd tell his Happy @ss!

 

Either your in? Or your out?

 

In for a penny? In for a pound!

 

Come Hell or high water?

 

Just that plain! Just that simple!

 

Get your happy @ss Living!

 

Or get busy dying!

 

Life's too freaking short!

 

I don't have the time to waste on someone who's half-@ss commited! I've got better things to do!

[feel_sick]

Well, there was an interesting text on his phone last night, (he usually deletes texts) but maybe he's looking to be caught now.

My husband owns a bar here in my city and the text is from a girl who I am pretty sure is a waitress there. (I mean that's the only person I know with this name, and the name isn't too common)10:01 pm It says she's in a taxi...then she asks where the restaurant is. He replies it is in front of the police headquarters. (This is way downtown, about 5 miles from his work)

He came home at 2am.

So there you have it?

[stampdaddy]

swing batter, batter, batter..... SCHWING!

[feel_sick]

Yep, well after talking Sunday night, we decided to seperate. I felt a huge relief when it was all said and done.

The next day he calls me and says we need to talk again...he doesn't want to leave. He wants to work it out. He finally admitted that he was cheating, and it was exactly who I thought it was on Friday. My husband is her BOSS. She is friends with all his friends.

I have no idea how to handle this. I feel so much worse somehow, even though you guys know I already knew it in my gut.

How do you ever get over this? How would I ever have sex with my husband again??? Of course he would be thinking of the last time he had sex?!?!

Why do I now fantasize about someone else having sex with me, just so I feel like "someone else" had me last??? All these thoughts are poisonous.

[carhill]

OP, bringing this down, in light of new information:

 

Hi carhill, I live in a fault state.

If he is cheating, I want a divorce, only because at this point, if he is, I've been lied to. I've asked him, and he says he isn't. If he doesn't have the respect to give me the information to make informed decisions about MY life, then EFF him!

 

All this news has hit in the period of a week. I know I'd have a hard time thinking clearly right now. Hence your agreement, then his waffling. I think LS'ers call this "D-day" or something like that. Discovery day. I'm far from an expert, but personally I'd take a month of alone time to gather my thoughts and seek legal advice on my options. I'm thinking of the totality of the family here. I hate having to use lawyers but they are great at fleshing out scenarios to consider.

 

Would no contact during this period be appropriate? I don't know. For me it would.

 

I'm sorry to hear of these developments

[feel_sick]

thanks againn jmargel, i was tested, but I am planning on re-testing- also making him test if we do end up working it out. He didn't use a condom, so..yeah.

Yes, I have thought about sexual harassment charges. She is a foreigner(not sure her status- she may be illegal) As far as him losing his job, he owns the company. That makes it hard. To answer your question, I do want to work it out, but I am feeling very negative about it-- I have NO IDEA how you could ever trust again. It's just not possible is it? Any night he is out late in the future I'd be wondering? It just seems so unrealistic.

 

carhill, I'd LOVE to leave here, but my kids are in school. I guess he could leave, I haven't thought about it. I think a part of me is scared he wouldn't come back, and I don't know why I feel like that. I think I want to be the one with all the power. I want to see if he really makes any efforts to fix this.