Jellyhead Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 (I'm cross-posting from the Family forum. Hope this is okay. This forum always seems more active. ) I'm having a serious problem with my girlfriend's relationship with her controlling mother. I hope someone here can help me understand and accept the situation I find myself in! We're in our mid-20s and have been together for about a year. For the most part, it's a fantastic relationship - we get on great, have an active sex life, love each other very much and have talked about getting married. But the one thing that's driving a wedge between us is my feeling that I'm always second-best to her mother's demands. This issue has come to a head when I got a new job recently and moved to a new apartment about an hour's drive away. My GF, who lives with her parents, was supposed to come with me and live with me part-time - you know, two or three days a week. I knew that her mom - who apparently wants her daughter to stay locked in her bedroom until the day she's married - would have a serious problem with this. I warned her that her mom would flip out the first time she tried to spend the night with me. In the face of this, my GF was adamant. She said she would stand up to her mom no matter what and assured me I wouldn't be moving on my own. "I wouldn't do that to you," she said. Well, guess what? Yep - the first time she tried to spend the night here, her mom flipped out, and my gf caved in. That was two weeks ago. She's not tried to stay over again, and she admits she doesn't know when she will have the courage to try again. Maybe in a couple of months(!) (For most of our year-long relationship, I lived on my own in an apartment near to my gf. During that time, she wouldn't spent the night with me at my apartment, because she feared her mother's reaction. She did it a few times, but only after lying to her mom and saying she was staying elsewhere.) I'm having a real hard time with this. I can get over the fact that she let me down by promising to come with and failing to deliver, but I'm really bothered by the fact that she's can't stand up to her mother and lives under her thumb. Frankly, I've lost an awful lot of respect for her. She's a 25-year-old woman who allows herself to be treated like a child. I'm an adult, and I want to have an adult relationship with another adult, FFS!!! Please help! I don't necessarily need advice - just insight. Anyone here who has lived with an overbearing and controlling parent and who can help me understand what my gf is going through? I definitely don't want to break up over this, but I'm so angry, bitter and fed-up. I don't understand why she finds it so difficult to just do what she wants and not care if her mom's mad... Thanks for reading.
Lovegod Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I've been there, and it's not worth the hassle. Unless she starts to force her parent(s) to recognize her independence, it's pretty much a hopeless situation. She needs to let go of her mom's teat, and there's nothing you can do to pry her lips away from it. Well, almost nothing... If I were in your shoes, I would suggest that we both go our seperate ways since she hasn't reached the level of independence that you're at, and it's interfering with the relationship. If she begs you to reconsider, do so. If things don't change within two weeks, break up with her for good. You don't need her mother controlling what you can and cannot do in your relationship, and if you continue to tolerate it, the problem will not go away. She either needs to gain some independence, or you need to find someone more compatible.
BlueHaiku Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I'm interested - are there cultural/religious issues going on here? The behavior you describe is not too common in modern Americanized homes.
Author Jellyhead Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 I'm interested - are there cultural/religious issues going on here? The behavior you describe is not too common in modern Americanized homes. Her mother is Italian-American but not religious, as far as I know. And yes, I realize this is not common... although, after reading the Family section, controlling parents who won't let go is a little more common than I thought.
Lovegod Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Trust me, it's common. I went through this same crap a few times. I'm white, and I've dated many white women, and my parents did not approve. Some parents are simply over-bearing for many reasons. Oh yeah, and there were the parents that did not approve of me simply because I was dating their daughter.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Actually it is quite common and I agree it is up to your g/f to figure out if she is a grown up or not. Having said that - the fact that she lives at home is a huge issue here. If she wants to continue free room and board, then she has to listen to her mother's rules. My mother is also very controlling. After school I moved home while I started working, to allow myself time to save up for a place. The first time I stayed out all night was also the last. My mother pitched a fit and I signed a lease for my own apartment a few days later. If your g/f is unwilling to move out on her own - the I have to agree it is unlikely you are going to win in this situation.
blind_otter Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I used to have an overbearing mother. I agree that it's really up to the GF to stand up to her and establish her adult identity with her mother. Have you talked to her about your concerns?
Author Jellyhead Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 Thanks, guys. If I wasn't so into this girl, I would probably have walked away by now. But I've been around the block a few times (I'm 28) and have never felt this way about anyone before. I feel that this is one of those relationships that, if you let it get away, you regret it for the rest of your life. I don't want to let it go yet. Yes, BO, we've talked about it at length. She tells me to give it time, as though her mom's attitude is magically going to change in a couple of months. I just don't see how change will happen unless she makes it happen. I've said this, but I get no good response. Sigh. You know, I *think* the mother would be more accepting of my GF staying over if we were engaged. Obviously, I'm not going to get engaged for that reason! But I am prepared to wait if that's what it takes, because I have wanted to marry her almost from the day we started dating. I think my biggest problem at the moment is how much respect I've lost for my GF over this issue. I'm angry and disappointed by her inability to stand up for herself, and I'm having a hard time getting over it.
InLimbo2 Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 She lives in her parents' home - she has to abide by their rules. You should be more concerned that she's still living at home - you want her to be independent and break the control her mother has - but that's not going to happen until/unless she moves out. You're focusing on wrong problem (controlling mother) instead of the real problem (gf isn't independent because she lives under their roof). Thanks, guys. If I wasn't so into this girl, I would probably have walked away by now. But I've been around the block a few times (I'm 28) and have never felt this way about anyone before. I feel that this is one of those relationships that, if you let it get away, you regret it for the rest of your life. I don't want to let it go yet. Yes, BO, we've talked about it at length. She tells me to give it time, as though her mom's attitude is magically going to change in a couple of months. I just don't see how change will happen unless she makes it happen. I've said this, but I get no good response. Sigh. You know, I *think* the mother would be more accepting of my GF staying over if we were engaged. Obviously, I'm not going to get engaged for that reason! But I am prepared to wait if that's what it takes, because I have wanted to marry her almost from the day we started dating. I think my biggest problem at the moment is how much respect I've lost for my GF over this issue. I'm angry and disappointed by her inability to stand up for herself, and I'm having a hard time getting over it.
Lovegod Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I feel that this is one of those relationships that, if you let it get away, you regret it for the rest of your life. After the threats, the put-downs, and the reject from a certain girl's parents, I welcomed the idea of kicking her ass to the curb. Nobody needs to have more than one significant other in their relationship. Sigh. You know, I *think* the mother would be more accepting of my GF staying over if we were engaged. HELL NO! Rings and promises don't fix anything. All it will do is guarantee that you're going to continue having these problems into marriage. You're currently spinning your wheels and the tires will eventually pop. You'll eventually say 'to hell with this', take off the parking break, and get new tires.
blind_otter Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Is there a reason why she's still at home with the parents? Is she in school or something?
Author Jellyhead Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 She lives in her parents' home - she has to abide by their rules. You should be more concerned that she's still living at home - you want her to be independent and break the control her mother has - but that's not going to happen until/unless she moves out. You're focusing on wrong problem (controlling mother) instead of the real problem (gf isn't independent because she lives under their roof). I disagree; I think the issue is the same one. The reason why she lives with her parents is because her mother is controlling and flips out at the idea of her coming to live with me - whether that's part-time, full-time or whatever. It all comes back to the controlling mother. In answer to BO's question, she's not in school. There's no "reason" for her living with her parents. And to Lovegod... you know, I've lurked here on and off for over a year, and I always enjoy your posts. But I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. The funny thing is that her mother actually seems to like me. This doesn't have anything to do with her disapproving of me or anything like that. She's just one of these women who doesn't want her daughter to leave home - or, it would seem, even to spend one night with her serious, long-term boyfriend.
blind_otter Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Well WTF is she doing staying at home? That's just crazy. Especially with an overbearing mother. Have you brought up her need to establish herself as an adult? I mean, everything else aside this is crucial, to me. I don't even think she should move out and live with you - I think she should move out into her own apartment to live alone or with roommates so she can learn how to take care of herself.
Author Jellyhead Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 Well WTF is she doing staying at home? That's just crazy. Especially with an overbearing mother. Have you brought up her need to establish herself as an adult? I mean, everything else aside this is crucial, to me. I don't even think she should move out and live with you - I think she should move out into her own apartment to live alone or with roommates so she can learn how to take care of herself. She moved away and lived with roommates at college for four years, so she knows how to take care of herself. She moved back home after college, and I guess the old relationship with her mother was re-imposed at that point. I've no idea why she continues to live at home and tolerate her mother's behavior. There is no way I would put up with it if I was in that position (I mean, I love my parents, but I moved out at 19, because I wanted my independence). That's why I came here and posted - because I want to hear from others who have been in a situation similar to the one my gf is in. I want to get insight into what's going on in her head and why it's so hard for her. I want to understand.
InLimbo2 Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Read your other responses. Ok - the problem is your girlfriend's. She's lived on her own before. She doesn't NEED to live with her parents. She could live alone, with friends, or with you - if she chose to. Problem is - her relationship with her mother takes priority over the one between you two. I have a gf in same situation - he is very attached to his mom. As she told him - he's not available to her to have a serious committed relationship - because he's so committed to someone else - his mom. Nobody should ever have to make a black/white choice tween lover and parent - but no healthy loving parent wants to stand that much in the way of their adult child's life and progression in life. It's a dysfunctional relationship between them. I disagree; I think the issue is the same one. The reason why she lives with her parents is because her mother is controlling and flips out at the idea of her coming to live with me - whether that's part-time, full-time or whatever. It all comes back to the controlling mother. In answer to BO's question, she's not in school. There's no "reason" for her living with her parents. And to Lovegod... you know, I've lurked here on and off for over a year, and I always enjoy your posts. But I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. The funny thing is that her mother actually seems to like me. This doesn't have anything to do with her disapproving of me or anything like that. She's just one of these women who doesn't want her daughter to leave home - or, it would seem, even to spend one night with her serious, long-term boyfriend.
Lovegod Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I got booted out at age 19 because I wanted to sleep over at my gf's house (and did). After the first sleepover, life at my parents' house was hell. After I got booted out, I didn't talk to my dad for two years. Our relationship has never recovered from that. From what I've read and seen from different situations, parents have different reasons for keeping their kids at home. Some like the power to control, some like the money from collecting rent, some believe that their children should take care of their parents when they're old. What a lot of parents don't know is the goal of having children should be to create successful, independent adults. If a couple doesn't realize this, they're setting themselves up for a huge disappointment, a lot of frustration, and destroy their relationships with their children, not to mention failing to create a successful, independent adult.
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