The Studmuffin Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 i could really do with some advice on my situation today... i'm really swinging between breaking up with my girlfriend and giving it another try... although a lot more towards breaking up, because i already gave it a lot of time, and it proved to not really work for me. but actually ending everything is just so so hard... i'm finding it impossible. after everything that i saw possible in our relationship, after all the dreams i had about us together... killing all that just feels horrible... ok, so here's my little story: i am now with a girl and she's the first one i told 'i love you'. before i said it, i asked myself the question as well: do i love her? how do i know? to me love was something that develops over a long time, a bond that takes a long time to forge. but then i sort of changed my definition of love... it's such an amazingly grand concept anyway. it doesn't just mean one thing. yeah so i found that i had very strong feelings for this person and felt a longing to know her profoundly and share myself with her. and i told her i loved her. and i never regretted it. love to me felt like a being... like a little unit of life that was created between us. i think when two people start sharing themselves with each other and give of themselves, a life is sparked. it's like you can feel that there is something between you ... something very hard to describe, but something that's alive. and that something needs a lot of attention and nurturing to thrive. and that's sort of what didn't happen in my case. last month has been incredibly rough because i have seen my girl very little at a time in our relationship when i wanted to spend all my time with her. she's very very busy with her studies and she told me that she wanted to spend a lot of time with me too, but that she just had to focus on her studies. i tried to give her time and be patient... but it has just really not been working out for me. i feel like too much strain and pressure has been put on my love for her... and now the feelings have sort of gone anyway. and i keep giving it another chance, in the hope that it will get better... and i know we get along fine together and we're very interested in each other. but there are just so many more difficulties. i feel like our relationship is not in balance.. i'm always wishing i could spend more time with her, get to know her more, enjoy our love more... but i feel like i'm always running into a wall, because it doesn't really happen. your answer is probably gonna be "leave her, she's too much work" and "find someone who can really give you what you need and more" - and maybe that's just what i need to hear. i've been telling myself that as well, but it's just so hard to kill that little life we have between us. it's so hard to quit. so basically i'm wondering: - if she says she loves me and wants me to get to know her and her to get to know me too, and if i love her too (or at least did, the feeling has faded lately), should i give it a try? - how long do i stretch that? - am i not supposed to be feeling a magnificent engulfing feeling of splendor, that moves my life, and not spending all my time during the day wondering if i should be with her because i don't feel like my heart is getting what it wants? ok, so i realize i've sort of anwered my question myself, but hearing what you think would still help me a lot. what do you think? how far love does itself stretch? how big a part do all these practical things play, like time and distance? ...
Ocean-Blue Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 last month has been incredibly rough because i have seen my girl very little at a time in our relationship when i wanted to spend all my time with her. she's very very busy with her studies and she told me that she wanted to spend a lot of time with me too, but that she just had to focus on her studies. i tried to give her time and be patient... but it has just really not been working out for me. i feel like too much strain and pressure has been put on my love for her... and now the feelings have sort of gone anyway. May I ask how old you two are? I'm sorry but I don't see any reason (based on what you've written here) for you to contemplate ending the relationship. She has a valid reason for not being able to spend as much as she'd like to spend with you: SCHOOL! Did it ever occur to you that it might be just as difficult for her to be away from you as it is for you? Your post suggests that you are idealizing this R and aren't looking at the reality of the situation. She is a student and she has to commit herself to school. She cannot possibly drop everything just so she can satisfy your need to see her all the time. Is there something else that you feel has contributed to your diminishing feelings for her?
Author The Studmuffin Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 yes you may ask. i'm 24 and she's 23. i know this, of course. this is what she tells me everytime. i know she loves me, i know she's making an effort and i know i should just be patient. but i'm just finding it so difficult... i've been trying to pinpoint as well what it is that makes my feelings diminish... because it would seem logical that if we both have strong feelings for each other, we should be able to tolerate a few days or weeks of separation because of something as important as school. ok, here are some parts of the situation that may be important as well: she's in her last year, so she has to put major effort into getting things done really well. i'm an exchange student here (her country) and i'll be going home to work in july and then finish one more year of school in my country. we've been together for 5 months now, and neither of us has had this kind of relationship before. there are things that make us compatible and others where we don't match (of course, like in couples, i imagine). and we used to have strong feelings for each other. so why shouldn't it work? well there came a point where i felt we weren't connecting, i felt i wasn't feeling something i was hoping for. i blamed this on her being busy and us not having good relaxed time together. now i honestly don't know if me feeling this lack of connection is due to our time-stress or if it's simply because we don't match. and maybe i feel a pressure to know which of the two it is, in order to know if we can continue after this schoolyear. so that's also something i'm wondering... what does it take to be able to plan a future together? when do you know if you have what it takes do to something like that? thanks a lot for your answers!
Ocean-Blue Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 i'm an exchange student here (her country) and i'll be going home to work in july and then finish one more year of school in my country. OK, this sheds some light on things. So you'll be leaving in July and you feel like your time with her is limited...so you obviously want to see her as much as you can. I understand this. I sympathize too...I know how difficult it can be, the thought of being away from someone you feel passionately about. we've been together for 5 months now, and neither of us has had this kind of relationship before. Considering the newness of this R, do you think that perhaps you are putting a little too much pressure on her and the R? now i honestly don't know if me feeling this lack of connection is due to our time-stress or if it's simply because we don't match. and maybe i feel a pressure to know which of the two it is, in order to know if we can continue after this schoolyear. You can't put this kind of pressure on the R. The more you do this, the harder things will get. I understand you will be leaving in some months and you'd like to have some kind of stability/answer...but you can't force things to just happen. If you two choose to stay together once you move back to your country, don't you want to do it on terms that are agreeable to you both? LDRs take a great deal of time, energy and commitment on both parts. so that's also something i'm wondering... what does it take to be able to plan a future together? when do you know if you have what it takes do to something like that? Planning a future together? You need to slow down Stud... Again, you are putting waaay too much pressure on an already fragile R. You need to take a step back and just chill. Relax and try to make this time with her as memorable as possible. Give yourselves the time to get to know each other. If you both feel you want to be together come July, then discuss what your expectations are. You can't embark on something like this with a sense of entitlement...you have to ease up a bit and allow her to do her thing. Does that make sense?
Author The Studmuffin Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 i know. i know. i realize this. all these things create pressure that is not helping anybody. it makes perfect sense. i need to lay back and enjoy what is happening. maybe i am idealizing too much and trying to make something happen that isn't there. this is good advice. except that i've come to a point where i've just lost hope in our relationship. and as i said, i don't if there's an exact reason for that - a practical thing, like us not being a very good match for the long run, or something else - but i just find it hard to find the energy to get up and try again. but that's something i have to deal with myself. it's not something you can fix with good advice. and that's why i think it would be best for both of us that we break up. if she feels constant pressure from me, because i'm on the verge of breaking and losing interest... and because to be in a relationship in general you need to be sure of what you're doing. at least you need to have the driving feelings. i'm going to think things over. one more time! i'll let you know what happens... thanks a lot, Ocean-Blue
Author The Studmuffin Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 and on that note: what are breaks for? do you know anybody for which that has worked? are they just efforts by those who are emotionally exhausted but can't let go of their relationship? or are they something of practical value? not that i'm thinking of trying to go on a break! no way!
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