Love her... but it's so difficult. How long do I try?

[The Studmuffin]

i just posted an answer in the post on "what love is" and i found out i could really do with some thoughts and advice from you too...

 

i am now with a girl and she's the first one i told 'i love you'. before i said it, i asked myself the question as well: do i love her? how do i know? to me love was something that develops over a long time, a bond that takes a long time to forge. but then i sort of changed my definition of love... it's such an amazingly grand concept anyway. it doesn't just mean one thing. yeah so i found that i had very strong feelings for this person and felt a longing to know her profoundly and share myself with her. and i told her i loved her. and i never regretted it.

 

love to me felt like a being... like a little unit of life that was created between us. i think when two people start sharing themselves with each other and give of themselves, a life is sparked. it's like you can feel that there is something between you ... something very hard to describe, but something that's alive. and that something needs a lot of attention and nurturing to thrive.

 

and that's sort of what didn't happen in my case. last month has been incredibly rough because i have seen my girl very little at a time in our relationship when i wanted to spend all my time with her. she's very very busy with her studies and she told me that she wanted to spend a lot of time with me too, but that she just had to focus on her studies. i tried to give her time and be patient... but it has just really not been working out for me. i feel like too much strain and pressure has been put on my love for her... and now the feelings have sort of gone anyway.

 

and i keep giving it another chance, in the hope that it will get better... and i know we get along fine together and we're very interested in each other. but there are just so many more difficulties. i feel like our relationship is not in balance.. i'm always wishing i could spend more time with her, get to know her more, enjoy our love more... but i feel like i'm always running into a wall, because it doesn't really happen.

 

your answer is probably gonna be "leave her, she's too much work" and "find someone who can really give you what you need and more" - and maybe that's just what i need to hear. i've been telling myself that as well, but it's just so hard to kill that little life we have between us. it's so hard to quit.

 

so basically i'm wondering:

- if she says she loves me and wants me to get to know her and her to get to know me too, and if i love her too (or at least did, the feeling has faded lately), should i give it a try?

- how long do i stretch that?

- am i not supposed to be feeling a magnificent engulfing feeling of splendor, that moves my life, and not spending all my time during the day wondering if i should be with her because i don't feel like my heart is getting what it wants?

 

ok, so i realize i've sort of anwered my question myself, but hearing what you think would still help me a lot.

 

what do you think? how far love does itself stretch? how big a part do all these practical things play, like time and distance? ...

[Walk]

Could you tell us how often you see your gf? Is it once a month? Three times a week? Every other day? I think it would help if I had a better understanding of what you consider too much time apart.

 

How long have you two been dating?

 

And I was also wondering what you feel would be an appropriate amount of time together, or how much time together do feel would make you happy in this relationship?

 

I know that those euphoric feelings of 'magnificient engulfing splendor' only last a few months in any relationship. They're mostly the byproduct of chemicals and our body attempting to carry on the species. Its usually after those wear off that people start to question whether their partners habits and lifestyle will fit with theirs.

 

I think it would help if you clarified how much time you two spend together, and how long the two of you have been dating.

[The Studmuffin]

yeah, no problem. we've been seeing each other for just over 5 months now. for the last month we've seen each other maybe two times a week. and as i said, last month has been hectic for her. before that, when things were a bit calmer, it would be maybe 3 times a week. i don't think it was ever much more than that.

 

i'm just really confused now... asking how many times i want to see her is a good question, and if you would have asked me that a few weeks ago i would've said something like every other day (is that fair?).

 

now i just don't think that meeting her more often would help the situation... i've just been questioning our relationship a lot these last weeks. and i just feel emotionally tired and don't have a lot of hope for us together...

 

today i honestly don't feel love for her. i don't get happy when she sends me messages and i don't dream or wonder about us anymore...

that's a big change from a couple of months ago, when i felt love for her that i hadn't felt before, and felt that everything was possible.

 

...

[ohmegah7]

know how you feel. in a similar situation. i've pretty much lost my nerve.

[The Studmuffin]

go on. share...

[carhill]

OP, your post indicates to me that infatuation has faded somewhat and you're questioning the void that remains. In a developing relationship, that void is filled with a deepening mutual respect, shared values and interests and vision for your future as a couple. If you aren't seeing or sensing any of that, perhaps it was just an infatuation. I've had many of those in my life. When you meet and relate with someone who truly becomes a part of you, she never leaves. Her spirit is always with you.

 

When you said "i tried to give her time and be patient... but it has just really not been working out for me. i feel like too much strain and pressure has been put on my love for her... and now the feelings have sort of gone anyway." my first instinct was infatuation. Happy to be wrong, but I've had that exact experience enough times to opine on it here.

 

I'd keep my options (and emotional center) open

[BlueHaiku]

Studmuffin,

 

Love like you describe, this "magnificent feeling" doesn't last all that long with anyone. It's called the "honeymoon period" in a relationship, where everything is wonderful and everything seems possible. As Walk explained, those are just chemicals in our body. If you decide that love is "magnificent feelings" then you'll jump from relationship to relationship for the rest of your life, leaving anyone as soon as it fades.

 

Also, when you love someone, sometimes you don't feel a lot of love on any given day. That's normal, too. So again, if you think you have to feel love every single day, you'll not be in any relationship long.

 

Real lasting love has ups and downs. There will be some days you're feeling entirely blah about the whole thing, and there will be some days that wonderful rush of happiness comes back. But most days will be somewhere in the middle.

 

She says she loves you and wants to be with you - but she has to study. It's a good thing that she wants to do well in school! A good edcuation makes her more valuable as a partner.

 

But you feel lonely and like you're not getting what you need. Can you compromise? Can you talk to her and maybe work out a deal where you read a book (or whatever you do) while she studies in the evening? You would have to respect her need to study and promise not to distract her. Perhaps that way she can study and you can feel close to her at the same time.

[The Studmuffin]

i deeply appreciate your responses guys.

 

i've actually just pretty much broken up with her. i told her i didn't feel the same way about her now as i did a few weeks ago. which is true... and that i couldn't go on kissing her and being intimate while thinking i didn't really feel good with her.

 

what i haven't told you yet is that during this last month i tried to break up with her two times. yes, two times. and after each time we talked, she said she really loved me and really wanted to be with me and make it work, and i found the will somewhere in me to continue, thinking that i could be patient for a while and make it work. the last one was sunday, not last sunday but the one before. since then i haven't been feeling the same...

 

and i just couldn't find it in me to continue at this stage. i need to take a break and stop thinking about us. i need to clear up my head.

 

i know it's horrible to break up so many times, i can feel it. it's torn us apart. and if we don't get back together, so be it. but i can't go on right now... it just doesn't feel right.

 

When you meet and relate with someone who truly becomes a part of you, she never leaves. Her spirit is always with you.

 

i guess i will be able to tell then, after a while...

[carhill]

My compliments to you for your honesty. Take a break and let us know how it goes.

 

BTW, that part you bolded isn't always a blessing. It can be a burden too. A burden of love

[xpaperxcutx]

i deeply appreciate your responses guys.

 

i've actually just pretty much broken up with her. i told her i didn't feel the same way about her now as i did a few weeks ago. which is true... and that i couldn't go on kissing her and being intimate while thinking i didn't really feel good with her.

 

what i haven't told you yet is that during this last month i tried to break up with her two times. yes, two times. and after each time we talked, she said she really loved me and really wanted to be with me and make it work, and i found the will somewhere in me to continue, thinking that i could be patient for a while and make it work. the last one was sunday, not last sunday but the one before. since then i haven't been feeling the same...

 

and i just couldn't find it in me to continue at this stage. i need to take a break and stop thinking about us. i need to clear up my head.

 

i know it's horrible to break up so many times, i can feel it. it's torn us apart. and if we don't get back together, so be it. but i can't go on right now... it just doesn't feel right.

 

When you meet and relate with someone who truly becomes a part of you, she never leaves. Her spirit is always with you.

 

i guess i will be able to tell then, after a while...

 

This problem has nothing to do with her then. If you're truly having doubts then it's best you take a step back and evaluate how you feel being with her/without her.A loving relationship is built on trust and mutual respect, but because you're constantly doubting your feelings, it's emotionally tearing you away from your gf. I don't think that you're selfish in feeling this way, but I do think it's best that you take the necessary time to work out your emotions and your doubts. Take a break if you need to. Just don't string her along.

[carhill]

Just don't string her along.

Excellent. My apologies for forgetting that part. Definitely set a timeline. Doing so shows your respect for your partner.

[The Studmuffin]

that is what i am going to do.

i told her by e-mail today how i felt, and tonight i'll go over and talk to her. but i'm gonna be strong and stick to my decision. i know that it's not going to work at this stage anyway.

 

and i'm not planning on stringing her along. i plan to break up with her, not thinking about the future. i can't tell the future anyway, or make any promises. i just know that i need a break right now. i don't see clearly anymore what i really want and what's good in this relationship and what's bad. need a moment of clarity... hope i'll find it somewhere along the road...

 

but what do you think about it when couples take breaks, deciding to get back together? i have no experience with that and don't know if that works. it seems kinda silly to me if you decide beforehand to get back together... i can't really see the use of taking a break then, cuz you're not really broken up. in my eyes it's either on or it's off...

[xpaperxcutx]

that is what i am going to do.

i told her by e-mail today how i felt, and tonight i'll go over and talk to her. but i'm gonna be strong and stick to my decision. i know that it's not going to work at this stage anyway.

 

and i'm not planning on stringing her along. i plan to break up with her, not thinking about the future. i can't tell the future anyway, or make any promises. i just know that i need a break right now. i don't see clearly anymore what i really want and what's good in this relationship and what's bad. need a moment of clarity... hope i'll find it somewhere along the road...

 

but what do you think about it when couples take breaks, deciding to get back together? i have no experience with that and don't know if that works. it seems kinda silly to me if you decide beforehand to get back together... i can't really see the use of taking a break then, cuz you're not really broken up. in my eyes it's either on or it's off...

 

The best thing you can do is to break it off completely. You already made it clear that you don't want to invest anything more into the relationship, therefore breaking it off completely would be your best choice.

[Starry-eyed]

but what do you think about it when couples take breaks, deciding to get back together? i have no experience with that and don't know if that works. it seems kinda silly to me if you decide beforehand to get back together... i can't really see the use of taking a break then, cuz you're not really broken up. in my eyes it's either on or it's off...

 

I always think of "breaks" as one of the people actually wanting out of the relationship, but being afraid to completely break up.

 

I think you should listen to your gut feeling, your intuition. It's telling you that you want out and that this R isn't good for you. Perhaps it was more infatuation than love? I hope you find some clarity in these muddy waters.

[The Studmuffin]

ok, here's a continuation of my thing... would love some feedback.

thanks a lot to all of you for your advice so far...

 

so i went to her place to have a small chat after i had sent her an e-mail saying that i wasn't feeling the same feelings as in the beginning, and that i didn't think it was right to continue.

 

she said ok, if that's how you feel, it's a shame though, because we got along really fine. and then. yes, and then. i'm in the door, on the way out, she comes over to give me a hug goodbye, and it becomes a very long hug. she says she misses me already... and the hug doesn't end.

 

we end up kissing (passionately) and having sex. yes, i know, it's really not what i had in mind and i should've sticked to what i had decided, i'm weak. but the thing is, it never really felt wrong to kiss her and do all that... and we ended up spending the whole morning until 1 o'clock in bed, just making love and laughing and talking!! it just felt so relaxed and so good. it had never been that relaxed and we never had such a good talk.

 

then yesterday, after all this, i feel really good, except of course i suspect that it might not be a permanent good-feeling... and it isn't. in the evening that feeling rushes over me that says i don't have the initial feelings of attraction ... and i get really caught up in guilt, thinking that i'm lying to myself trying to feel something i'm not feeling, and that this thing simply doesn't have what it takes. and that feeling of guilt sort of takes over all rational and clear thinking.

 

but it's better now, i'm thinking a bit more clearly. at least i'm not lying to her. i would never say i love you to her if i didn't really mean it. and yesterday she said she appreciated my honesty...

 

now i'm just kind of confused... am i full of wishful thinking, living in the idea of us, rather then really feeling that it's the right thing?

why did we have such an amazing time together, if afterwards i get a feeling that says that things are not the same as before, that i don't have that pure, loving attraction to her?

 

do feelings that are gone ever come back?

[The Studmuffin]

i'm also wondering how much reasons have to do with all of this...

 

is it too late to look at the reasons why my love for her faded? if the things that caused that are different, can things change back? what do you think?

 

i know my feelings faded because i was stressing about waiting for her, and not seeing enough of her.. and because of the lack of moments such as yesterday morning, relaxed intimate bonding moments...

 

is it different now? maybe. at least i have a perspective on the situation and i could be more patient with her... and things have gotten less formal and sometimes i go over to her place just to sleep at her place, even if she's been busy all day and we haven't done anything together.

 

i don't know... i really don't know...