barefoot880 Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Ok so I met a new girl about 5 days ago. We seem to click on many levels intellectually and spiritually. She says she thinks I'm a handsome guy and she likes the fact that I'm tall too. We've been out on one date so far. I have another date with her this coming Thursday. Now I know it's too early to be worrying about sexual intimacy since we have only known each other for less than a week. But if the dates just so happen to progress to a point when she wants to go to bed with me and I turn her down will I be in danger of being put in the friendzone? Again it's still early but I have no desire to be sexually intimate with her or anybody else for that matter ever in the future. At the same time I don't want to be put in the friendzone. It's either all or nothing for me. I have plenty of friends already and I'm not looking to make new friends. I want a girlfriend. Now I don't have a problem with starting out as friends as long as there is potential for something more later on. So if a guy has no desire for sexual intimacy is he in danger of being put in the friendzone even if he is physically attractive and he connects with her on other levels? I almost immediately cut all ties with women who attempt to friendzone me.
Phateless Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 ok, i'm just gonna say it... WHAT THE _ _ _ _ ?! You don't ever want sexual intimacy yet you have no desire to be put in the friendzone? Are you saying you're waiting for marriage or that you don't ever want to have sex? Your post doesn't make sense. As far as sex goes there's nothing wrong with telling a girl you're not ready. Most women will understand as everybody has been hurt before. Just hang out with her and let it progress at it's own pace, and if you don't want to have sex until marriage or whatever, just tell her. The right girl for you will be ok with that.
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 ok, i'm just gonna say it... WHAT THE _ _ _ _ ?! Exactly what I was thinking. Personally I wouldn't bother with a guy who said he didn't want sex, it's just all too freaky for me. It would make me feel unattractive and undesirable, but good luck. Are you sure you are not a troll?
AussieJack Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 But if the dates just so happen to progress to a point when she wants to go to bed with me and I turn her down will I be in danger of being put in the friendzone? You will most certainly get in the FriendZone- I know for sure because I am gonna come over there and drive you there myself. Your post is bizarro.
Art_Critic Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Is there a reason that you don't want sexual intimacy with a woman that you are dating ? Dating is all about working towards the goal of intimacy... A woman makes all the decisions when it comes to sex.. Who.. When.. etc.. If you turn a woman away you will be rejecting her and in doing that you are telling her that you don't want to be in a relationship with her.. Friendzoned.. who knows some might friendzone you.. but most likely they will just dump you
Saxis Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Yes you are. A friend is pretty much someone you're not, or have no plans to be intimate with, but still pursue a relationship.
Author barefoot880 Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 (edited) I'll bite. Describe "all or nothing" To me all or nothing means exclusivity. I want a monogamous relationship. I want to be able to go on vacations together and kiss and hold hands. Friends don't get to do the above things. So I don't see how a sexless relationship is just a friendship when I don't want to cut out the kissing and the other things I mentioned above. I want us to go explore new restaraunts and new sight seeing places. Friends cannot do that. I want her to be open to learning more about the world around her. I like to try new things and I read many books and I'm always in the process of learning and bettering myself. That's one of the reasons I take college courses at night. I would like to do research together. I've been trying to come up with a way to get all the benefits of a relationship without the sexual intimacy. Are there any loopholes? As far as why I don't want intimacy? It's because I never got any satisfaction out of it in the past. It got so bad that I would fall asleep during sex on more than one occasion. I don't know. Maybe I've outgrown the need for it in my life. When I was a teenager I was a horny animal and couldn't help myself but back then I could never get a girlfriend. I've had 6 girlfriends in my life so far. It wasn't until 19 when I met my first girlfriend and by that time I was already addicted to masturbation and got my fix from that. I've slept with the first 4 girlfriends I've had. I never got any satisfaction from it. I have been suffering from a mild case of depression the last 10 years too but I don't know if that can be a factor behind all of this. I'm still able to function normally in other areas of my life with my depression and I manage to hide it well from the outside world. I guess you could call it "smiling depression." I put on a smile mask but I feel empty inside. It seems like fate has a way of bringing me what I've always wanted at the wrong time. That is by the time that I don't need it anymore. By the time girls became interested in me sexually it was already too late since I've become well insnared in my addiction. I won't tell anyone what my sexual fantasizes are but I can tell you what they do NOT involve. For the most part NONE of my fantasizes involve sexual intercourse of any kind with anybody. So I hope I have shed some light on at least some of the reasons why I get no satisfaction from it. Edited March 26, 2008 by barefoot880
carhill Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Thank you We can work with that. As I naturally take a long time to become sexual with a woman, atypically male, I face some of the same issues as you do. The main one is the relatively narrow body of females which think similarly. Your group of potentials is even narrower. I have met some women who eschew physical sex entirely, but their attitude extended over into other intimate areas as well, a perspective which would be incompatible with your need for non-sexual physical intimacy. I would imagine others here will give you some hard advice, but I prefer to understand your perspective. When you hold a woman and kiss her, how do you feel? Is it more of a spiritual bonding than a path to your genitals? I know that sounds harsh, but I think it's a valid comparison. You may just be wired differently. Do you strongly gender identify as a male? Do you feel comfortable in the company of other men?
Author barefoot880 Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 I can be myself around other men just fine. I am more self conscious around women. I guess that's why I do not get stage fright if I'm asked to do a presentation in front of a class that has no women in it. I don't know if it's more of a spiritual bonding when I'm holding a woman but maybe. I suspect it's more of an emotional bond. It's more important for me to have a strong emotional connection with a woman than it is to have a sexual connection. If I have a strong emotional connection with her then it does not matter if my sexual bond with her is mediocre or less than that. However even if I did meet a woman who didn't mind a sexless relationship I would start to question her interest level in me. Because only women with low interest level would seemingly not care about the lack of sexual intimacy. And being with a woman who has low interest in me is worse than being alone. So that's another issue. I'm not sure there is a such thing as women with low or no sex drive. It's just that they have low interest in their partner.
Phateless Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I dunno man, I think you should work on dealing with your addiction and other issues before beginning a relationship. Low sex drive is a serious red flag. You said something about medication. Have you been seeing a therapist?
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 This girl sounds kind of creepy, pressuring you for sex. I would just not see her anymore, it is too soon. No reason to hop into bed with someone when you hardly know them, and that means she probably is pretty slutty and has no self-esteem. Let her go.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 OP, I think it's possible to pursue a relationship without sex, depending on the type of girl you're dating. I don't think that you should worry about being friendzoned if this girl's interest level in you is relatively high. Affection does not have to be solely based on sex, it's the minor details that make up the whole. A hug, a kiss, etc, in my definition can be called "intimate". But I think you should still try to work on your "sexless" frame of mind. Sex is a beautiful thing. And I would understand if you believe that it should occur when it's meaningful. Maybe you just haven't find the right person who could stimulate you to that certain climax.
BlueHaiku Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Barefoot, If there are men out there (like yourself) who don't want a sexual relationship but want everything else, then there are certainly also women out there who feel similarly. The problem is that there are not likely to be many of them and so it might be hard to find one who can meet you on your level. I think that you need to be up front with the girls you date, though, and let them know your feelings about these matters pretty early in the dating process. Most of them very well may break it off at that point, but you don't want to waste your time on those girls anyway, because eventually they'll find out and frienderize you. The earlier you let girls know, the earlier you can move on to finding what you really want. I also agree with Phateless, though. You say you are depressed and addicted. Those are things you should work on - se a therapist. I'm not trying to criticize your sexual preferences - we're all different and I respect those differences. But depression and addiction can be helped and you have a right to be truly happy and healthy.
Star Gazer Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I don't think the OP is saying he doesn't ever want sexual intimacy - just when the timing is right and a relationship is established. OP - you can avoid the friendzone while still avoiding sex-sex by slowly increasing the physical connection between you. Start with physical touch, progress to kissing, deeper kissing, making out, etc. Take your time. You certainly don't have to "go all the way," but she needs to know you see her as more than a buddy. Using my current love life as an example: I have a 4th date with a new guy tomorrow. He didn't put ANY moves on me on the first two dates. No kiss, nothing. But we had a GREAT time. I was worried that I was the one being friendzoned. He hugged me goodbye on both the 1st and 2nd dates, and when I was left with no kiss after the 2nd date I was left both confused, worried, and...actually giddy. I kept thinking, "OMG, he's doing this right. Holy sh*t! He actually wants to get to know me first..." I came to this conclusion all on my own, he didn't need to explain it. I knew he was interested by the way he flirted with me, the way he contacted me shortly after the last date to plan ahead of time to arrange for the next date (he used the word "date" too, which helped). When we set up our third date though, I was EAGER for that kiss. After several instances of him touching the small of my back or slighty caressing my knee, I wanted it...I wanted him, BAD! I waited 7 hours for that damn kiss...and it was lovely. Well worth the wait (thank God!). We now have both our 4th and 5th dates set up. I guarantee you we won't be having sex, and I probably won't even be lucky enough to get a boob grab. But the progression is actually awesome. It has just been such a different progression - I (like most women) am used to men trying very hard to move things along physically very quickly. This has been a nice change of pace. I commend you on going this route....if that's what you're trying to do, that is.
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