ReasonToChange Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 It's been six months since my breakup with my last girlfriend. At times it shocks me that its been only six months, it feels like much much longer. I do miss her at times but we had a long distance relationship and I suppose that makes the pain of it a bit easier to bare. However missing her is not my big issue. I'm getting worried about how bitter I've become. I've not made any attempt to date, in fact I've been forcing myself not too (because I know I'm not ready), yet I find it hard to even look at any woman I would ask out without thinking to myself "how would I mess this up?" or "no way she would even look at me". I've had many bad relationships in the past, and I've been cheated on many times. I have very few doubts in my mind that some, if not most of it was my fault. All this negative thinking has clearly worn on my self-esteem, but thats not what really worries me. What really worries me is how bitter I've become. At times I find myself going from thinking "oh I'd just mess up the date" to "she would just break my heart like all the others" This I know is unfair, but I can't help but think it. I can't help but think at times that all women will just break my heart, that none are worth the pain, and so on. It seems to me that my mind goes from thinking "It's all my fault" to "its just women". Being sad or depressed is one thing, however being bitter and angry at myself and women is another. I have no idea how to make these bitter feelings go away.
sandflea Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I know what you mean. It's hard to trust again when someone you love decides to walk out the door. I think everyone feels this way after a breakup. It sounds like a cliche at this point - but time makes this better. Yeah, that old chestnut... You mention that you aren't ready, and based on how you feel, you're right. So, watch from the sidelines for a while, eh? No one knows what the future may bring. Will it be more heartbreak? Maybe. Maybe not! What I can tell you is - you reap what you sow. If you get into another relationship right now - while you're feeling bitter, and not trusting, and expecting it to fail - it WILL FAIL! So, don't go there. Don't get your heart involved right now. Protect yourself. That doesn't mean that you can't go out, have fun, hook up, make love, get drunk, screw around, laugh, joke, kill time, enjoy summer fun, giggle and laugh at all those high maintenance ladies out there. You have that right. You also deserve to be happy! Try not to be bitter. I'm sorry it didn't work out. You had a rough run, and trust me - we've ALL been there. Just take it slow, and focus on having fun, and being you, and not worrying about finding "Ms. Right" while you're feeling this way. When the timing is right she'll be there for you. I freakin guarantee it! Try not to break too many hearts, eh? Peace SF
Author ReasonToChange Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 Yes i'm sure we have heard all of that before, but hey thats what this place is for huh? A reminder. People who wanna help others, and vent about their own issues. After who else here has close friends that are just plain tired of hearing about our love life issues. Just the reminders of what I need to do, and seeing that i'm not the only person on this earth feelin this way.... really does help i'm shocked to say. Thanks for tossin the kind words my way.
MoonlightLover Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I lost the guy i loved more than life itself, then over a year later i got with a friend of 9 years who i was falling in love with, then i fell pregnant with his baby, then he disappeared, then i lost the baby. My baby would be due on the 30th April. Im cold, sick, bitter and twisted too, lets be fwiends.
BladeSteel Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 ReasonToChange, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Learn from this and grow as a man does. All to often, people cling to the past, but by doing so it inhibits future growth. There's no reason to be bitter, because take your experiences and learn from it. Women can only 'hurt' you, if you let it happen. To be happy in a relationship, you must first be happy with yourself. Take control over your life and find happiness. Find that first, I'll bet it's all around you and you are just having a hard time seeing it right now..
sedgwick Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 If it helps, I don't trust men anymore. Not one bit. I don't know, maybe they're nice to you if you're attractive, or skinny or whatever, but either they have no use for me or I just screw everything up. Every time I even begin to look at a guy, my brain says, "HELLO YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM! HE WOULD NEVER LOOK AT YOU!" I've completely stopped trying. I can't handle any more rejection. I don't know, after 36 years, I just don't have one shred of faith in men anymore. I've totally stopped trying. Mostly now I just try to leave guys alone, stay out of their way. I just figure I'm not what they want and it would be silly to keep trying.
Author ReasonToChange Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 I do have good things going at the moment, and I am thankful for it. However at times I just can't help but only take one step forward and two steps back. Right now i'm doing my best to bury myself in my work, focus on my sales and keep my grades up in the few classes I take. At times I even pick up hours at my old job. For the most part i'm just trying to get my mind to shut the hell up. Things are better now thats for sure. Seeing how I left my job near the end of my relationship with my ex, and after that I had little to no desire to do anything. So I ran out of money, and did nothing but sit home all day. So 12 hours of school a week and 50 hours of work help clear that up. Every now and then, I slip. I see something that reminds me of the times with her and...pow feels like i'm back on that 8 hour drive home after watching her walk out of my life forever.
Joebo Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 (edited) I know how you feel RTC. I feel for you mate. You sound as though your brain keeps f**king you over the same way mine does. You seem to be coping fairly well. More power to you. You should not allow this bitterness to taint you. Would you want her to have such a disastrous effect on you as to poison any chance of a future relationship and consequently happiness for you? Never! I may not know much but it doesn't take extensive research or a Plato like insightful mind to figure that one out! Its a no brainer. You will find someone else or she will find you. Hopefully someone who will show you just why the last girl was not quite right for you. There is nothing worse than thinking that you're coping well and all of a sudden...Whack! It just hits you. It can be the smallest thing too. Its been 7 months for me now. Man, thats over half a year but it feels like yesterday at times. Only 3 pathetic weeks of NC though! Maybe I would be feeling a hell of a lot better if I had just turned my back and walked away that fateful night. Although, that would have been a bit pointless (and costly) as we were in my car! Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well and other times I feel as though I'm back at square one. As you say, back at that night where I was told that it was all over. It felt pretty surreal then and it still does now. Its like beating myself over the head with a sledgehammer! Its strange though, I feel as though I wont really get closure until I know she's with someone else. Then I feel as though I will be able to turn my back and walk away. Does that sound strange? For all I know, maybe its already happened. Although, she has gone nuts any time I have even hinted at the fact that there might be someone else. One thing I do know is this. My typing has improved out of sight since the split. Maybe that will be the lasting legacy of this break up. People have survived worse. I'm always trying to hammer this home to myself. Keep the faith. JB. Edited March 26, 2008 by Joebo Spelling...
BalancenLuv20 Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 It's been six months for me and i like you was in a LDR for much of the relationship. Despite the fact I've had problems letting go in the past, I know that placing her in my thoughts will not help the situation. You just really need to let yourself go, you have absolutely nothing to lose at this point. Not every woman was the way your ex turned out to be. part of life is just dealing with the fact that along your journey, heartbreak and failure will bite you at some point and it's your choice to feel crappy or look at those experiences from a positive light as learning experiences. There's really no need to ever think about somebody who doesn't care about you or want you in your life anymore, you are only wasting your time with that bitterness and anger and you are using this one experience to justify your negative outlook on women, when I am sure there are wonderful women out there who would love the chance to meet you if you put yourself out there.
Author ReasonToChange Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 I can't figure out what would be worse to be honest. After she left me, I made my 8 hour drive home, and had I not made the few efforts to talk to her, i'm sure that would have been the last time i've ever heard from her. When she dumped me, she really dumped me. We've only talked 3 times since the break up, and each time it was me who made the move to talk. Was about a month after the breakup, thats when she managed to tell me that she had already met up and shacked up with another guy she met online. She then talked about how he was "just a total rebound guy" and I had nothing left to say to her after that. I was shocked that the woman I thought I would marry, could have found a F*** buddy within one month. The woman who said she would love me and only me for the rest of her life. Granted I take most if not all the blame for causing her to fall out of love with me... but her just being able to drop me like that so fast... just blows my mind. She's moved on, thats for sure. I'm just waiting for when its my turn.
sedgwick Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 (edited) If it helps, I'm a woman who would give anything if a man could love me. If I was with someone who actually brought me flowers or told me I was beautiful, I think I would break down in tears. I know men treat other women that way, but so far none of them have ever done it for me. And I've wanted that all my life. I'm not very attractive, true, but my heart is so full of love and desire to love someone. I'd be ecstatic if someday that counted for something, if someone wanted it. My friend's husband often comes in the door with flowers for her from the deli when he's gone to buy cigarettes. Sometimes it makes me cry because I want that so badly. It's one of my life's dreams to know what it feels like to be treated like that. Edited March 27, 2008 by sedgwick
Quiksilver ca Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 First, do not take advice from a woman on how to be a man! While women are fantastic(for many reasons ), there are physiological and psychological differences. Second, in regards to your troubles... You are suffering from low confidence my friend. You've hit a low point, and now must take the leap of faith. You have to put in the hard work to get the results you want. Even if you feel like you're going to mess up on your next date... Go for it! MAKE A BIG MISTAKE! Mistakes only serve to instruct you on how to do it better. You've been around the dating scene before, so it won't take long to get your legs back under you. Just get out there and focus on the good parts of dating. Inactivity = Depression
sedgwick Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 (edited) First, do not take advice from a woman on how to be a man! While women are fantastic(for many reasons ), there are physiological and psychological differences. Sigh. Let me take this opportunity to apologize for having a vagina AND an opinion. I shall remove the ova which render me senseless from this thread. Please feel free to continue to blindly stumble about being male while I go off and, I don't know, play with my tampons or something. Edited March 27, 2008 by sedgwick
Quiksilver ca Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 We misunderstand each other sedgwick. I don't mock your intelligence, your perspective, or anything about you(though I believe you are stalking me!). I believe that men and women think differently. For a woman to try to teach a man about himself, it is like a bird trying to teach a fish to fly. -- I respect your opinion but believe that men are better equipped to help men than women. I cannot offer advice to women here beyond speculation and conjecture. I have my own set of problems, and I happen to have been in this mans shoes before in my own life, and it's a dark place to be emotionally. To be bitter about life and love because of a woman. It is not fun and can last forever if something is not done to break the cycle. Do you see my point of view now sedgwick? Men must help boys become men. Women must help girls become women.
Author ReasonToChange Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 You have a point (however jumping back into the dating scene is harder then one may think in these parts). Being bitter has caused me to be short, snippy, and down right angry at others when I know I have no reason too. In fact anger is what lost me my girlfriend. I'm not violent but, I can be more then mean with my words. Wish I could find the off switch for how bitter I am, until then I just work my butt off to clear my head. However before I start dates and what not I need to become less bitter at MYSELF. If this was my first bad breakup i'm sure this would not be that much of an issue. However its more like my 4th so I seem to be stuck in 1st gear at the moment. So what do I do? I got advice to take time to heal (doing that at the moment) and advice to go out and date again. Do we have a door number "3"?
Quiksilver ca Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Find something in your life that is more important than any girl could ever be. Something nobody can take away from you. For me, I go to the gym when I'm feeling down about anything. I build up all my frustration, anger, and negative thoughts in life and leave them all on the floor in a pool of sweat. Your solution is simpler than you think it is. You just have to get your life moving again, no more free time, no more hour on the couch watching tv after work, no more sitting by the phone waiting for a phone call. Occupy yourself with attaining your goals and dreams, set your thoughts of women aside.
BladeSteel Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 If it helps, I'm a woman who would give anything if a man could love me. If I was with someone who actually brought me flowers or told me I was beautiful, I think I would break down in tears. I know men treat other women that way, but so far none of them have ever done it for me. And I've wanted that all my life. I'm not very attractive, true, but my heart is so full of love and desire to love someone. I'd be ecstatic if someday that counted for something, if someone wanted it. My friend's husband often comes in the door with flowers for her from the deli when he's gone to buy cigarettes. Sometimes it makes me cry because I want that so badly. It's one of my life's dreams to know what it feels like to be treated like that. Sedgwick, one of the biggest things I've learned in my life, is that it really is at our fingertips. From the posts I've read, you sound like a giver. The world always welcomes givers. That should be something you should be proud of. The world can be a tough place sometimes, but I think, people (men and women) that place a high value upon making a difference by their caring nature is the glue that holds the seams together. What you need to do though, is focus your energy on being positive, IMO. Remember, you have the power in yourself to be happy. Happiness is a choice, that YOU make, but you have to willingly make that choice. Relying on validation from others is a temporary solution at best.
BladeSteel Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 For me, I go to the gym when I'm feeling down about anything. I build up all my frustration, anger, and negative thoughts in life and leave them all on the floor in a pool of sweat. This is golden advise right here. Exercise, particularly weightlifting, is a great way to achieve focus and boost confidence, and an all-around feeling of completeness. The gym is a great coping strategy. I've never left a workout in a bad mood, my mind has always been clear. Try doing deadlifts, squats, and bench press.
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