If I know its the right thing why does it hurt so much?

[knudsj01]

Hello, I'm new here. Let me just start off by saying this was a mutual breakup that happend 2 weeks ago. We dated for 4 months but in that 4 months spent lots of time together. I've known since the beginning this relationship was temporary as he doesn't want children, yet I decided to date him anyway for a while. I thought that I could keep it casual yet things ended up getting serious emotion wise. We share many mutual friends and hang out in the same social circle which has made this harder than other breakups I've had.

 

He started the inital talks about ending things 2 weeks ago and I was upset but eventually agreed after a couple days because I knew it was the right thing. I think we both were just avoiding having to deal with it, even though we knew this day would have to come eventually. We decided that since it had been 4 months it was time to either get more serious or end things. We had a few other issues, like fighting all the time, etc and because I know that I won't be changing my mind about kids and he won't be changing his it made more since to move on now before we get even more emotionally invested or ended up hating eachother from all the fighting. It is the right thing, but I'm having such a hard time accepting that it's over.

 

Our breakup didn't end in fireworks, it was peacefull and good conversation and we came to the decision together. I've never had a "good" breakup before, at least not one that didn't end in a fight. He says he wants to still talk to me because he likes talking to me. He says he wants to be there for me and help me through this and help us move to just friends. I'm not sure if thats the right thing. He does make me feel better when I talk to him, but the feeling only lasts for a few hours then I feel sad again because I know it's not the same.

 

We both agreed to be friends, yet he seems to think we should be able to just move to friends right away. Something I'm finding very hard to do. I get jealous when he is out with mutual friends of ours without me and I feel sad that things aren't the same. And he confuses me, because we went to a concert together and with another couple that we had bought tickets for a long time ago. The whole night he was treating me like his gf. Bought me dinner, drinks, cuddling, holding my hand, etc. Yet in the end, we are still broken up. I don't get it?

 

So, I'm now trying to not talk to him, which is very hard as we run into eachother a lot, and he's going to be doing some work on my house in the next couple weeks which I need him to do as the process with insurance is already started and I can't back out now. I also have his cat right now as he is on vacation skiing and I said I would watch her. We have talked less since he has been on vacation which I think helps but I'm worried what will happen when he is back on Sunday.

 

I just can't seem to accept this and move to friendship even though I know this is the right thing and that we aren't meant to be. If I know that it's right how come I can't move on? This was my decision too, yet I seem to be having a much harder time dealing with it than he does. He is so non-chalant about it all and shows little to no emotion which hurts me because I feel like I didn't mean anything to him the last 4 months. I don't understand why it's so easy for him yet so hard for me.

 

It upsets me so much I have been asking him about it and telling him how it hurts me, he finally got mad right before he left on vacation and he started to blame me for every single fight we have ever had and told me I've been nothing but a jerk to him since we broke up (which is partly true because I'm so jealous I've thrown little jabs his way when I've hung out with him. I don't mean to, it just comes out). I feel horrible about it and have apologized but he wouldn't accept it.

 

Something he said in that fight which I feel is completely unfair is that I have 10 days to get over "this" or he is done with me, whatever that means. He says I've had my 2 weeks and I need to start accepting this and stop getting jealous, throwing little jabs and getting upset. I don't understand why he was so understanding, and nice before and now all of a sudden is being so unreasonable. I can't put a timeline on my emotions. It doesn't work that way. He was drunk during this fight which isn't an excuse, but it could explain why he got so upset and why he wouldn't listen to me at all. We've only talked for 5 mins since he left town and he still hasn't apologized to me for some of the mean things he said in that fight. He only IM'd me to check on his cat. He said we will talk more about things when he is back because he didn't want to discuss it now, and that I need to figure out what I want.

 

I want to be able to seperate my romantic feelings and move to friends so badly but for some reason I just can't. I'm very frustrated and angry with myself for not being stronger about this. I've even doubted my decision and thought about asking him back, but I know realisticly that isn't a good idea and it's just my lonely heart talking. I'm not sure what i'm looking for here. I guess I just needed to vent and figure out ways to cope with all of this. How to accept it, when I'm not even though I know its right. How to move to being friends, when I run into him all the time and we have the same social circle. Sorry this is so long, I just had to get it all out.

[Amy22]

Sometimes even though something is the right thing to do it can still hurt. You cared about him so it is going to hurt and take time to adjust to not having him as your boyfriend. I wouldn't beat yourself up over the way you are feeling. I think it is completely normal and expected. I think him saying you have 10 days to get over this is unfair and a very crappy thing to say. Doesn't he know that you cared about him and this is going to take some time? I would be very upset at that comment. Maybe he said it because you being upset about it is making it harder on him.

 

I think you are expecting a lot out of yourself to just move from romantic feelings to friends. I think that is something that takes time. I don't think you can do it until you get over those romantic feelings. I couldn't imagine getting over the romanitc feelings while still talking to him. If it was me I would take a break from contacting him until I felt I could be friends. I had an ex that I dated for 5 years and he wanted to be friends. We talked for about 9 months to a year all the time. I couldn't take it. I always wanted to get back together and it hurt me to see him moving on. I finally told him I couldn't talk to him because it stopped me from moving on. We didn't talk for awhile and I was able to get over him. Now we talk once a month or so and I don't feel jealous oveer what is going on in his life. I don't think I could have done this without getting over him and not talking to him.

 

Please don't be so hard on yourself and vent away. Sometimes it really helps just to get things out. Keep me up to date and good luck. Only you can decide what is right. But becareful when the lonely heart is talking. Sometimes it can make you do things that are not the best decisions.

Amy

[sedgwick]

I know it doesn't help now, but if you were already fighting at four months, it probably wasn't right. Most people are still at the honeymoon stage at four months!