datingmum Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I've been pondering this question today. There is no need for people to answer with the standard "NC is for healing..." stuff. I know this. But what about when you move from NO Contact to Limited Contact when the other person starts to express signals that they might want to reconsider the breakup? It's a catch22, in that you must open yourself a bit in order to hear what the person is saying, meet them, see how they've changed, but when you do - you are taking a huge risk! How do you assess their position/feelings without getting too emotionally involved? How do you cope when you see that they have not in fact gotten as far as you want in coping with the issues that split you? Do you go back to No Contact? Do you express this? No Contact itself, though difficult, can also be liberating because you finally seize back a feeling of control. But how do you maintain that control when you are actually trying to reconcile?
sedona Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Maybe you just have to be honest and talk with your ex about everything you've been thinking while in NC. Listen hard to what he says about how he's experienced the time apart and believe him (assuming you can trust him to be honest, and if you can't then what are you doing with him). If he doesn't say what you want to hear, don't try to fool yourself that things will be ok anyway. You've been through NC and know you can live without him. If he's still the same person he was and you know you can't live with that, then give it up. Less painful than going through another round again.
Author datingmum Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 When they are meeting you/starting to speak with you again, they are thinking the same thing... testing...waiting to see what the other will say! It is really a test...he doesn't want to come out and 'commit' to saying 'I've been thinking alot and maybe things could work... let's just see how we get on' but clearly this is the thinking. I am much more forthcoming but still try to be a bit elusive in order to preserve some distance and attraction. What I want to hear is "I WANT YOU BACK RIGHT NOW, PLEASE MARRY ME" But I am not naive enough to believe this will spring out of the mess we've made. There will need to be time/testing etc. Problem is, how do you handle that? How do you just 'go along for the ride' as if you're dating the first time, when YOU AREN'T?!?
sedona Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 When they are meeting you/starting to speak with you again, they are thinking the same thing... testing...waiting to see what the other will say! It is really a test...he doesn't want to come out and 'commit' to saying 'I've been thinking alot and maybe things could work... let's just see how we get on' but clearly this is the thinking. I am much more forthcoming but still try to be a bit elusive in order to preserve some distance and attraction. What I want to hear is "I WANT YOU BACK RIGHT NOW, PLEASE MARRY ME" But I am not naive enough to believe this will spring out of the mess we've made. There will need to be time/testing etc. Problem is, how do you handle that? How do you just 'go along for the ride' as if you're dating the first time, when YOU AREN'T?!? I couldn't handle it. The past month or so, I've had some terrific times with my now-ex. If I had just met him and it had been our first few dates, then I would have been ecstatic. But we have a history, and instead of seeing just what we were doing, I was noticing what we weren't doing, ie any sign of physical affection whatsoever, no texts or calls inbetween "dates". Instead of being strengthened, I was being drained. I think how you "test the waters" depends on how far you've come in the healing process during the break. If you're still completely stuck on him, then maybe you'll be more timid about saying what you need because you want to make it work at all costs. If you've been able to create some emotional distance, then you can be more forthright with telling him what you need/expect from your partner in a relationship because although you may want to make it work, you're not willing to pay too high a price. At least that's how it is/would be for me. I think...
Author datingmum Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 I couldn't handle it. The past month or so, I've had some terrific times with my now-ex. If I had just met him and it had been our first few dates, then I would have been ecstatic. But we have a history, and instead of seeing just what we were doing, I was noticing what we weren't doing, ie any sign of physical affection whatsoever, no texts or calls inbetween "dates". Instead of being strengthened, I was being drained. At least that's how it is/would be for me. I think... Oh my god. That's exactly what happens! But of course you're going to feel that way! What did you do?
dfreeman Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 If you've been able to create some emotional distance, then you can be more forthright with telling him what you need/expect from your partner in a relationship because although you may want to make it work, you're not willing to pay too high a price. Very wise sedona - I am at that exact spot right now... [DISCLAIMER: Chances of my ex having this talk with me are slim-to-zip] Even though I made some huge mistakes when things got bad at the end, I would not take her back without letting her know what I would need from her. I would have to find a way to present it to her without making it look like blame, but I would have to make it perfectly clear what price I am not wiling to pay for her. Crazy thing is, knowing her, that would be the end of that and we'd both be wasting about 75% of our lattes!
sedona Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Oh my god. That's exactly what happens! But of course you're going to feel that way! What did you do? What did I do? Sometimes I thought I could be okay with it. I mean, we always enjoyed being together whenever we were together. There really was no rush -- it's not like I'd want to move in with him next week or something. Surely he'd come around and realize how great we were together. Surely he'd feel those feelings of intimacy again. Surely he'd look forward to seeing me like he used to. Surely he'd start calling me again of his own volition just because he really wanted to talk to me. All I had to do was live my life, be myself, and be patient. After all, I loved him, so it was worth giving him the time he said he needed. But in the end, I just wasn't okay with it. I felt too sad that he had changed, that he had stopped loving me, had stopped needing me. I wanted to be able to talk to him about everything in my life, not just the good things. I needed his support when I was sad. He was getting everything he needed from me (my friendship) but I wasn't getting what I needed from him. And he couldn't give me any idea of when he'd "know" whether he wanted to be my bf again -- this could have dragged on for months, even years. I was suffering, and he was just fine with everything. So I told him how I really felt and asked for support. He said that he would leave me alone entirely so that I could concentrate on getting better. For me, it was an emotional conversation. For him it wasn't. Now it's been 5 days of NC.
Author datingmum Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 OH MY GOD. how heartbreaking! You were so honest and supportive, in asking for what you needed and he just relinquished all responsibility!!!!! i am hurting for you. I can't believe it.
sedona Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 [DISCLAIMER: Chances of my ex having this talk with me are slim-to-zip] Same her, although I think about it a lot. If I stop thinking about it, then I think I will have come pretty far in the healing process.
sedona Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 OH MY GOD. how heartbreaking! You were so honest and supportive, in asking for what you needed and he just relinquished all responsibility!!!!! i am hurting for you. I can't believe it. Thanks, that's sweet of you. I can't believe it either. I'm still reeling and will be for a while. And that's why I hang out on LS.
dfreeman Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Same her, although I think about it a lot. If I stop thinking about it, then I think I will have come pretty far in the healing process. Thinking about it??? I'd be happy if I could just quit practicing what I would say to her.
sedona Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Thinking about it??? I'd be happy if I could just quit practicing what I would say to her. Oh yes!!!!! I do that too!!!!
Author datingmum Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 I've got post arriving for him still, a birthday present for him from us awaiting delivery (too scared to meet up and give to him) and now his grandmother's funeral. It is too callous to not even acknowledge it. But hey, I know some people advocate that stance on here. I am not trying to further entrench any animosity. Just want to be caring but distant I suppose until I see some sort of results.
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