lexi29 Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 So my fiance and I supposed to get married in Sept. He proposed to me toward the end of Feb. so everything is moving pretty fast (since he proposed) we have been together (on and off) for about four years. He has an 8 yr old son who lives with him full time. HIs son was very excited about us getting married. I have been really stressed out with the planning-the-wedding stuff. It was his idea to get married in Sept and I love him so I agreed. He is very excited about the wedding and I was concerned he wasn't thinking much further beyond that. So last thursday I had a talk with him. I was very upset/stressed ect. I basically told him we have a lot of issues (don't know where we are going to live etc). I have to give up my apartment and we have to find a new place in the city he lives in because his apartment is too small for the three of us. We have been looking at houses for sale too. It was just overwhelming to me and I basically had a small breakdown. He tried to assure me everything was going to be ok. We talked about how we will split bills etc and how our living situation would work. Talked about things about his son too. I felt better after our talk. He, however has felt like I wanted to call things off (I admit I told him "I'm not sure I can do this anymore") but I meant more of I don't really know if I want to get married in Sept. not that I didn't want to be with him at all. Previously he was very excited about the wedding, talking about it all the time and now not so much. He says he feels I'm not sure if I want to marry him and he's hurt by this. I did not spend the night at his house this last weekend (I normally do but lately his son wakes us up at 6am both days and I really need my sleep! So I slept at my own place till 10am and then go see them. Also on easter, I Had car trouble and was only able to see them once that day (we hid eggs for his son) and I was supposed to come back but then had the car trouble and didn't want to go back over there. I think he feels I am pushing him away, or that I am acting like I don't want him around. I admit on saturday night his son went to a friend's house to spend the night and my fiance asked me to spend the night and I still declined because I am mentally and physically just so worn out I wanted to sleep in my own bed. so all of this is not just in his head. I just need a breather! I am still very loving towards him and we have sex just as much as usual (about four times a week). But ever since thursday its like I have to constantly reassure him, yes I still love you. I appologized for having doubts but now its like he thinks I am cheating on him or something. Yesterday I forgot to put on my rings (I normally wear four rings including my engagement ring.) I was in a rush to get to work and forgot. I've done this before but never since I've been engaged (about a month) Well he didn't even notice I wasn't wearing any rings until I went to leave last night and He accused me of doing it on purpose as to show that I'm not engaged or something. Well I didn't have ANY of my rings on, I could understand if it were just the engagement ring that I forgot. He also does this thing since thursday where he accuses me of stuff but does it in a manner and then claims he's only joking. I don't even know when he's serious. He "jokingly" accused me of not being at work yesterday because he called me and I didn't answer- was away from my desk. this has happened before and he never accused me of anything. Also last night he was especially "mean" with his "joking" toward me. He kept saying things like I don't love him and I might be seeing another guy behind his back. His son's "aunt" called (not really his aunt but this 23 year old girl that used to be friends with his son's mother and she takes his son for a weekend around every holiday) last night and he talked to her while I was sitting there and he was asking her about her jobs and she is a massuese (not sure I spelled that right) as one of her jobs and he was telling her "you should come down and give me one (a massage)" and she laughed all flirtatiously and it really hurt my feelings. He then told her about five minutes later that we were engaged and getting married in Sept. I'm glad he mentioned that and if he hadn't I would have gotten up and went home. Also last night he "jokingly" told me that he thinks all my friends hate him and that his good friend thinks I don't like him and he was going to ask him to go to a strip club with him last friday but figured I wouldn't "allow" him. Now to fiance has never gone to a strip club since we've been dating. He went to them when he was 18 years old and when he was 21-23 but thats about it. Supposedly it is someone's birthday and they are going again this weekend and want my fiance to go. He asked if he's "allowed" to go and I said I don't care but actually I am hurt because this weekend his son is at his mom's and its OUR weekend to spend together. I don't like the idea of him going to see strippers while I sit at home. So I called him at lunch time today to ask if they were sure they were going on saturday (I didn't know if this was another "joke" just to see my reaction or not.) because if he is making plans then I am going to make my own plans. I have a guy friend I haven't seen in a few months (he is one of my best friends) and he has a girlfriend he lives with and is no threat etc.) I would like to hang out with him but he needs advance notice to make sure his girlfriend is cool with it. Well my fiance is upset now that how dare I hang out with another guy (this coming from the guy who plans to go oggle naked women) This is a guy he knows and deep down he knows there is NO chance of me doing anything innapropriate with this guy. He's a good friend and I never get to see him. Well he was basically an ass to me on the phone, "joking" that I must really miss my guy friend because I am in such a rush to see him this weekend (if my fiance goes to the strip club). He would prefer I go with him (no thanks!) or that I sit at home and wait for him to return. Again no thanks, not like I will get any benefit of him coming home all horny after seeing naked women all night (bad week). He is not normally like this. he is usually a very attentive sweet guy. he has done somethings in the past that weren't great (left me for his ex) but we seemed to resolve all that and he is 100% committed to me. I think all of this was triggered by me telling him about my insecurities about getting married so soon. He looks at it as if I don't feel as strongly about him and marriage then I shouldnt' have any doubts. and if I do then it MUST be because I am interested in another guy. (marriage is a HUGE step for him as he's never proposed to anyone before and even though about three of his past relationships wanted to get married to him he REFUSED and left them.) His mom even told me that she told one of his exes if she wanted to get married she was dating the wrong guy because her son would NEVER get married. So if he has decided he wants to get married I know he is in this 110%. So I can see how it would be scary and frustrating to him that I'm not 100% sure. He thinks I want to be with someone else and that is the reason for my uncertainty. I wish I could take back what I told him on thursday and maybe we wouldn't have this problem. I'm tired of his "joking" about accusing me of cheating on him, seeing other guys etc. I am hurt that suddenly now he wants to go to strip club (this is the same guy who didnt' want to have alcohol at our wedding reception!). It feels like he is deliberately trying to hurt me or make me angry with him. WHY is he doing this and what can I do to ease his fears etc?
Little Shy Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Hi! FYI, I am the gal that wrote the previous thread about boyfriends & strippers to which you responded. Some guy responded to my thread in such a manner as to assume I an completely opposed to Strip bars, and I am not. AND, according to your response to my thread, I don't think you are either? Right? You said you have had boyfriends that went in the past & it did not bug you. So, is it because he is your fiance that makes the difference here? I feel like it is because you guys seem to have some other more significant issues here, that you are kind of using his approaching visit to the strip bar as an outlet for your concerns or frustrations? Hey, I think any time a guy offers for you to go with him to the bar (he did) you are about as safe as safe can get. And, if you could pull it off at all, (sound like you are in no mood for it though) I would go! Have you been to a strip bar before? I'll bet if you went with him, you would see him drinking a bunch with his friends, looking at the girls with a mild interest, and teasing one of his buddies into a lap dance & then making fun of his embarrassed bud when it happens. I bet you anything that is the way it would go down. But don't go, and you will never know! But I understand, some girls would just never feel comfortable doing that. Once again, my opinion is that as long as they don't go to these places a ton, or blow wads of cash, or get private dances, it can often times be pretty innocent & harmless.
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