sedgwick Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Your self-esteem, that is? I mean...how do you ever feel attractive again? I've never been so totally shot down in my whole life. It's been 8 months now and I still feel like my heart is under a big heavy weight. I feel fat and ugly and dull and boring. I feel like nobody could ever possibly see anything in me. I can't imagine ever feeling sexy or having sex again. I feel like that part of me shut down, just as I was starting to really open up to someone. I miss him so much. I miss him like I've never missed anyone. Does he not miss me? It would seem that he doesn't, given that he's not speaking to me. My guess is that he's probably moved on now, found someone else. I wonder if I could ever melt someone's heart the way he melted mine. That just seems so completely impossible. I can't imagine anyone ever loving me the way I loved him, can't imagine that I could be worth that. I'm largely scared to even go out. I don't, really, except to dance class. There is almost no likelihood that I'll meet anyone new. It took me 36 years to meet him. Another 36 years and I'll be 72, so it's pretty much over for me. I know that's silly, but it's how I feel. I'm way too scared of people now. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust again. Even if I could, I just wouldn't approach anyone in the first place because I feel so ugly. Is it possible to recover from this?
sedona Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 There is almost no likelihood that I'll meet anyone new. It took me 36 years to meet him. Another 36 years and I'll be 72, so it's pretty much over for me. I'm sorry Sedgwick, but that made me laugh! I don't have any answers for you because I'm going through the same thing myself and feel like I'll never love anyone again or ever possibly be able to attract someone to me. And I'm worse off because I'm 5 years older than you. Even closer to the end! I've read lots of your post and it's clear that you have a lot going for you. Just the thought of your never finding anyone else is inconceivable to me! Still, I know that it's no use enumerating your good points when you yourself feel so low because you'll never be able to take it in. Self-esteem has to come from the inside. One suggestion that might help you wake up from the doldrums: couldn't you try something different? Take a week or month or longer and do something new? Somewhere else? Somewhere new? Maybe something you once read caught your interest and you thought if only... Build houses in Appalachia. Go on an archaeological dig in Egypt. Volunteer in a soup kitchen. Widen your horizons. Get away from your routine. Maybe that would help you heal.
Author sedgwick Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Oh how I'd love to run off again...but I have a book to edit and a film to make and a dance company to be in! Right now I am very busy and very bound to NYC, and under contract to finish a ridiculous amount of work. Plus, I love what I'm doing; my life is already full of learning about things that fascinate me. I know I'm lucky. I just want this one stupid jerk back, for some reason!
smileysmile Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Sedge I have seen your posts flying around and you amaze me how you are still in this emotional turmoil. I feel for you though as I am in the same situation. It has been 7 mths since we departed from our marital home although it has been 11 mths since she said enough was enough. Still, she hasn't filed for D. She has her reasons. You will have to read my posts else where. You talk about low self esteem? My STBXW had low self esteem after she left the marital home in Aug 2007. So she eventually gave in to her ex co worker who told her although he married hi wife in June 2007 he is now separated. So she got attention from him and his persistance paid off. They ended up doing the deeds in her new house so helped with her self esteem. There is no doubt my ex will get lots of attention from men. Whether they want to just have sex with her or have a R with her, Shes stunning so that helps I guess. So it won't be long until she is back in the saddle. What about you? Do you get attention? That helps with your low self esteem. I know you only want your ex back and so do I. But you have to get a life and move on like I have. That doesn't mean you have to go straight back into a R. People can't tell you what to do or judge you. You move on when you feel the time is right. We are all different. I feel for you big time. Nobody will ever ever understand what we go through because it is personal. But try and do something to distract you. I think maybe you feel nobody else will want you? So maybe do some exercise, eat healthily, get a new haircut. Lots of things to help yourself. Don't wait for him to come back.
LOVE DAISIES Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Sedgwick, sorry but I am going to be painfully blunt with you. I have read many of your posts, and although I can certainly relate to your pain of losing someone you love, I can't relate to your obsession about him. It is becoming a bit ......."out there'. I don't mean to be harsh, but from an outsider's perspective it's almost as if you are worshipping this guy who doesn't even know you still THINK about him. You talk about this guy like he is a GOd.He's a guy. Plain and simple. Maybe you are idolizing him because in YOUR mind he's still in a suspended animation...frozen in time. And the way you talk about yourself is ridiculous. You are clearly an accomplished woman. Putting yourself down is NOT very attractive at all...in fact it begins to make other people wonder if there IS something wrong with you. You need to STOP doing this to yourself and accept that he is GONE..........and yes..move on.
smileysmile Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Putting yourself down is NOT very attractive at all...in fact it begins to make other people wonder if there IS something wrong with you. I agree with this. You need to snap out of it. Even though you are hurting inside. This wouldn't be attractive to him if he saw you in this state. I know it doesn't work. You have to make yourself attractive again. Mentally and physically.
pigeonsid Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 (edited) I have to say I agree with Love Daisies, even if it does sound a bit harsh. When I hit my lowest point, my best friend told me that I needed to just get it together and stop acting like an idiot - and that was the point when I realised that I really did need to put myself together and that I had to stop expecting other people to somehow do it for me. (I'm not trying to say that this is what you're doing Sedge - just that was what I was doing.) I understand that you really miss him and are finding it difficult to get over him, but you are doing the right things - you are getting busy with your work, which you love, and you really need to let go of this jerk who left you. I'm also in the arts and what I found was that just getting back into work made me feel more normal, and also it's a useful way to channel all the pain and emotion into something beautiful and creative. You are extremely lucky you are a talented person who has this means of expression - you should value it more, and also value yourself more despite what your ex told you. Now, I say - go find some hot guy and sleep with him. He won't be your ex and you may feel like complete crap afterwards, but mentally it will provide an important break. I forced myself into a rebound because I knew that I needed to understand that I could have sex with someone who wasn't my ex. It was a little devastating the first time because I felt like I was cheating on my ex, but it really reinforced that it was over - I was no longer in a relationship - I had no ties to my ex any more. And really, the recovery process since then has been going a lot more quickly! Just making the conscious decision to change your thinking does make a difference. You won't be able to imagine yourself with anyone else until you go out and start putting yourself in those situations, and start allowing yourself to find other men attractive. And what I'm most grateful to my rebound for is that he gave me back my self-esteem. I also felt shattered because my ex walked out on me, and I thought there must have been something really wrong with me. My rebound really made me feel sexy again, and he also gave me the ability to start getting angry at my ex for treating me the way he did. I know it's awful when you love someone and they leave you, but you have to have faith that someone better will come into your life, and that you are going to love and be loved once again. Hugs. Edited March 25, 2008 by pigeonsid The post wasn't finished when I accidentally submitted it
Joebo Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Ok Sedgwick, Its time to navigate back to the 'Coping' forum and post something on the thread that I just started. Lets hear it.
Author sedgwick Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 (edited) So maybe do some exercise, eat healthily, get a new haircut. Lots of things to help yourself. Don't wait for him to come back. I'm a dancer who takes class four times a week, I bike everywhere I can, I do yoga, I've been vegetarian for 20 years, and I have dreadlocks. And yeah, I know I need to snap out of it, but I don't know how. I don't want anybody else. Thinking about the possibility that he's with someone new just kills me and I'm constantly afraid I'm going to run into him with another woman. I'm sorry I'm being pathetic. I know I am. I just really, really miss him and I'm not the type who lets people in easily. Edited March 25, 2008 by sedgwick
so_sad Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Sedgwick, I think you know that my situation is a little similar to yours. Fiance walked out on me out of the blue. After that happened I felt miserable, useless, like everything was my fault, if only I had been more this or less that, then he would have loved me. I drove myself crazy. So I have an idea how you're feeling. My self-esteem was at a pretty crazy low. One thing really helped me start to feel better about myself, and it might sound strange, but it really worked. I started talking to a lot of the people that he and I were friends with when we were together. Many of these people were friends that he and I had made together, and in many cases, I always kind of assumed that he was the big attraction, not me (because he's ultra-social and great with people, and I'm more low-key). What amazed me was the number of people who said to me "You're my friend, not him. He's fine, but you're the reason we all hung out" or things to that effect. It sounds silly, but it was the one thing that made me realize that, you know what? He wasn't a god after all. And of course it made me feel really good to know that these people were my friends because of me, not because of a couple I used to be part of. It really helped me see myself as a valued person in and of myself. Now, I don't mean to be unkind, but from the way you've described this guy, he was a socially inept, smelly, emaciated guy obsessed with an obscure form of music. You have implied that your friends weren't crazy about him. You should think about that, for real. I have seen my friends get worked up into a frenzy over guys that IN NO WAY deserved them, and I think that's what I'm sensing in your case too. I think that deep down, you KNOW that you're an accomplished, sexy, interesting woman, and I think you also know that you deserve better than this guy. You will start to feel things for other people. I felt exactly the same as you did, but I recently met someone that I know I could really, really like. It remains to be seen if he feels remotely the same way for me, and if he doesn't, I'll be back here in tears, but the point is, I actually LIKE someone who isn't my ex! I never thought it would happen, but it did. And it will happen to you too, despite the fact that you are (gasp!) 36. I think there is a small chance that in your remaining 5 decades or so on earth, you might find someone else that you like.
your star Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 hi sedgwick, i have always followed your story and posts and thought i'd share something with you about my story. i was with a guy for almost 7 years, he broke up with me about 10 months ago. he disappeared from my life and eventually popped back in on my birthday in october. when he came back the first question i asked him was, why did he feel the need to suddenly disappear? his response was, it became too much for him to deal with, so he ran and blocked out everything. it has been a roller coaster since..and sometimes i wish he never came back.. a couple of months ago i felt so low, like i would never find anyone again. i beat myself up everyday. i was consuming myself with why, why, why? and i realized i hated the girl i had become. she was not me, i was not her. i loved, sorry i mean, i love this man with all my heart till this day. but i finally realized i had to pick myself up and fight the obsessive thoughts in my head. i wasnt sad for the loss of him, i was more sad for the loss of this dream i pictured for us. but you know what, im going to be alright and so will you. you just have to let go of all those thoughts in your head. what helps me go on everyday is knowing i tried the best i could, i gave it my all...and i can walk away knowing that. and so can you.
D-Lish Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Sedge, I've been where you are- even feel I am still there to some degree. What I have learned to do is to hide that insecurity when I go out in public. I may feel crappy and alone on the inside- but besides venting here... I keep it between myself and my doctor. You are a curvy dancer with dreadlocks. You obviously choose to adopt a certain style because you get a lot of enjoyment out of being an individual. So rock the individual that you are! Just remember that remaining miserable is something you have control over. You can choose to remain isolated, or you can make the effort to rejoin life again. It's a self fulfilling prophecy you are creating right now. If you think you are unworthy, you will emanate that aura- and others will pick up on that... misery repels, happiness attracts. If you live your life in limbo believing you aren't loveable- you will remain closed and therefore alone. But you don't have to choose that life for yourself- however, you are at the moment. A part of recovery from grief is putting on a brave face. I like to think of it as "acting". When I go out- I out on my fav outfit, my biggest smile... I engage people, endear them to me. But it's an act I put on. Before you know it, when you play a role... it begins to seep into your self. Even though it feels like you are faking it- the good things that you draw to you when you are faking hapiness actually help to rebuild your confidence. You have to get out there Sedge. You have to rejoin life. You're the same age as I am- and at that age, you have all this wisdom, experience and good things to offer. Not just a man- but yourself and other people you come into contact with. Rockstars write their best most sucessful songs when they are heartbroken.... maybe that is your way out too. Chanel that sadness into something productive. You can do it. Women like you don't wither away and die alone without accomplishing important things. You don't need a man to love you to validate your importance in life. You need to start by recognizing you can do that on your own.
Author sedgwick Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 (edited) mindless sex works sometimes I promised him when he left that I would never sleep with anyone else again. He said, "You'll find someone else," but of course I won't. I promised him I'd love him and only him forever, and I don't make promises if I don't mean them. Besides...it's just really tough to meet someone when you're not attractive. I was so grateful to this guy for giving me a chance anyway, but I'm throwing in the towel now! Edited March 27, 2008 by sedgwick
Uchiha Sasuke Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Umm.. If you can forget my offensive comment from before... From what I can see I think you're very pretty.
sally4sara Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 The fact is, even if this guy came back into your life you would not be able to have what you had before. At first you'd be happy but then you'd remember how he exited stage left for silly reasons despite the "wonderful" thing you felt you shared with him. Then doubt would seep in and you'd be on eggshells wondering when and for what he would do it again. The sex would suck because the connection you once felt would feel like a lie. Because it was a lie. Not out of you; you were sincere. The worst you did was see him as something he is not and if he came back, he would not be able work his magic because he would know he wasn't what you thought. He was only able to work his magic before because you knew nothing of how he really is. He left because he was unable to sustain the image he fed you and you believed of who he is. That great guy you think you lost never existed. I don't know why you think he was doing you a favor or why you think you are so undesirable. If you think that, your self esteem issues existed before him.
pigeonsid Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I promised him when he left that I would never sleep with anyone else again. He said, "You'll find someone else," but of course I won't. I promised him I'd love him and only him forever, and I don't make promises if I don't mean them. Besides...it's just really tough to meet someone when you're not attractive. I was so grateful to this guy for giving me a chance anyway, but I'm throwing in the towel now! Sedge - this is you holding yourself back. It doesn't matter what you promised him - he walked out on you, and right now you're not letting yourself move on. Of course you should sleep with someone else. After reading this post of yours, I think you should most definitely have some mindless sex, just to break this thing in your head of being faithful to him! It doesn't matter if you love him or not - he's left you. You need to make you the priority now, not him. And the fact that he left you means that you are now free to sleep with whomever you please, you dont have to stay faithful to the idea of him. I've said it a lot on this forum - I went for my rebound because I knew that I wouldn't be able to move on from my ex until I'd slept with someone else. And it was awful the day afterwards because I did feel as though I'd just cheated on my ex, but it also created a very important mental break to show me that the relationship really was over. And after I did that - it didn't matter how much I missed my ex, I had a memory which told me that it really was over. And that has helped me a lot to move on. If you really want to get over your ex, then you have to start forcing yourself to take action. You aren't going to feel like it - if I listened to my heart, then I wouldn't be moving on at all because I just want to be back in my relationship. But my ex left me, and that means that I can't go back to that anymore, no matter how much I want to. What I've been doing over the past few months is to force myself to go through those motions of being single and carefree, no matter how weighed down and awful I feel. And sure enough, slowly, the change is getting through to my heart, and I am getting ready to have another relationship one day, which will hopefully be much better than the one I had with my ex. Hugs, Sedge, and take care.
atc2410 Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I'm a dancer who takes class four times a week, I bike everywhere I can, I do yoga, I've been vegetarian for 20 years, and I have dreadlocks. Huge respect to you. I've been a veg for 18 years.
atc2410 Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 (edited) Regarding your post I personally still feel attractive but am devastated that I didn't remain attractive enough to my partner. She was the one that mattered most so after the breakup it didn't matter to me at all that people were telling me I'm hot, attractive, will meet others etc. because the only person I wanted to find me attractive didn't want to be with me anymore. And that is why I think you think you're unattractive and not worthy. How else can you explain someone with everything you have going for you saying the things you say about yourself. I'm making progress in that the hole my ex left is slowly being filled and finally I'm responding to positive attention from people whose encouragement previously would not have registered with me. As for your promise to him it was pledge made in light of your relationship together. The promise will lose nothing of its worth, sentiment and value if you move on now because he chose to end the relationship, the foundation from which your promise was made. You honoured your end of the promise and it will remain forever kept. Edited March 27, 2008 by atc2410
Walking away Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Sedg, I think you are stuck because you were abandoned by him. And, believe me, I understand. I am completely aware that abandonment is the ONE thing that throws me flat on my back. I can handle pretty much everything else life throws me, but abandonment leaves me without a leg to stand on. You are dealing with that. And it hurts. It hurts big time. But, understand this: His cowardly way of treating you is his problem, not yours. Believe in yourself enough to realize that HE has the problem, not you. You are better than him. And don't you ever forget it. Hugs to you.. WA
LuCidiTy Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 i think you're hot as hell, sedge. and what sid said too. what you promised yourself...well that can be unpromised and maybe it should and it probably will. one day. when you're ready. it'll just hit you that you're more than alive and quite worthy and a whole new light will shine down on you. that's usually what happens. in the meantime, love YOU.
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