Sirenz Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I'm new here, and I'm sure this topic has come up before, but I wanted to get some help with something. I've been seeing someone I met on-line for a bit over 2 months. We agreed to be exclusive early on, and things have been going well. Thing is...I finally logged on last week to hide my profile on the dating site, and he happened to be on-line while I had logged in to hide my profile. Since then I've not been able to control my urge to check on him more frequently, but I search for men of his traits without logging in so he doesn't see that I've been there either. He's not on-line every day, which leads me to believe he's not communicating with anyone regularly. In fact, like clockwork, he seems to log in on the days the "Your New Matches" emails are sent out. I'm not sure how to approach this with him, without it sounding like I was checking up on him, but my feeling is that if you're in an exclusive relationship with someone, you shouldn't be on-line. I read where someone said it may be an ego boost, or just "fun" to read some of the messages you get from people, but I can't help but feel like I'm the good for now girl....that he's just waiting or looking for something he's not getting from me. He's given me no reason outside of this to feel like he's searching elsewhere. Frankly, the guy is entirely too busy to have another woman in his life, but it appears he's still looking, and I know that this cannot be a sexual/exclusive relationship if that's really the case, because it doesn't work for me....I can't allow myself to have sex with someone who appears to be looking for someone else. So at this point, I know I need to find out what his ideas of "exclusivity" are, and to make sure they are in line with my own. I'm just not sure how to approach this topic with him without sounding accusatory, or defensive. If he wants to date others, that's fine, but no sex, and I'm also going to date others...so I deserve to know where he is in this. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd really appreciate your thoughts.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 From what people tell me, since I've never used an online dating site, they can be addictive, for ego validation. Regardless if he's actively looking, is someone who deliberately seeks out this kind of validation, the type of person you want? Will it always cause you to wonder? Food for thought. I know I wouldn't want someone like this.
Author Sirenz Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Well I don't know that he's looking for ego validation, it was just something that was suggested in another thread on the board. I'm just not sure how to approach this topic with him.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 "Hi Honey, noticed you were online at abc dating site, quite a few times. Any reason why? I must admit to being curious and a little concerned." Don't ever be afraid to lose someone over reasonable questions. If he gets hissy, there's usually a reason why, whether he's too arrogant to be questioned or there's some guilt involved. If the two of you are in an "exclusive" relationship, there's absolutely no reason to be accessing a dating site.
carhill Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 The relationship developed too fast. He may still have residual curiosity. He may need an ego boost. He may not be into you but likes the benefits (aka sex) If you're prepared to accept the consequences, just ask him straight out for what you want. His response will be telling as to the health of the relationship. As an example, on my MySpace page, I'm listed as married looking for friends. My wife and I are in MC and our marriage may be in jeopardy. I won't change my profile to "single" until a divorce is final, if that's what happens. That's honesty. Look for that. It's a good thing
Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Don't ever be afraid to lose someone over reasonable questions. If he gets hissy, there's usually a reason why, whether he's too arrogant to be questioned or there's some guilt involved. If the two of you are in an "exclusive" relationship, there's absolutely no reason to be accessing a dating site. I agree completely. TBF's suggested inquiry is a good one too.
nicki Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Simply ask him what the status of his profile is on the dating site. Afterall, you both met through an online site, so it would be natural to be curious as to what he's doing now on that site. Ask him if he is still active, or if he checks for messages from prospective matches. See if he tells you the truth. You know he's been on. If he says he's been on and didn't know he shouldn't be doing that, then have the discussion about exclusivity with him. Tell him why you chosen to have hide your profile. The last paragraph of your post is worded perfectly. Say that. Open a dialogue. Don't tell him you snooped. You might want to check up on him later to see if his words match his actions. (I would, you don't know him yet, still evaluating.) Now, he might be afraid of losing you and might initially say, "No, I don't go on there anymore," and then immediately after your exclusivity talk go and delete/hide his profile. See if he does that. It would be the right thing to do. Bottom line. Once you two have agreed to be exclusive, he shouldn't be chatting up other women.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 The relationship developed too fast. He may still have residual curiosity. He may need an ego boost. He may not be into you but likes the benefits (aka sex) If you're prepared to accept the consequences, just ask him straight out for what you want. His response will be telling as to the health of the relationship. As an example, on my MySpace page, I'm listed as married looking for friends. My wife and I are in MC and our marriage may be in jeopardy. I won't change my profile to "single" until a divorce is final, if that's what happens. That's honesty. Look for that. It's a good thing It maybe honesty but it's also a form of sabotage, to your marriage. Shouldn't you be "all in", for a real try? Thanks Star.
SeraBella Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 You could tell him that you hid/deleted your profile and bring it up with that.
NuTuDating Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 (edited) I've done the online dating and a few relationships come out of that. Once I was interested enough in someone to see them for a month, I'd definitely hide my profile and basically stopped logging in. 1) For selfish reasons, if the relationship didn't work out, I had not had to turn anyone down that I might regret later. 2) It's the decent thing to do. It seems like if he's still logging in, then he's not ready to be exclusive. That's ok as long as he's not telling you he wants to be exclusive. Once he's said he wants to be exclusive, he needs to shut down the online dating operations. There's just no reason to keep logging in after that point unless you want to cheat. Confront him and talk to him about it. Clarify the "exclusivity" of the relationship and let him know that you're not ok with being exclusive with someone who still browses the online personals. Of course, for you to know that he's online that much, you'd have to be online, too, and he may throw that back at you, even though your intentions were spelled out clearly to us here. He may not buy it. Edited March 25, 2008 by NuTuDating
carhill Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 (edited) It maybe honesty but it's also a form of sabotage, to your marriage. Shouldn't you be "all in", for a real try? Thanks Star. My MySpace page was originally created in order to share my tour research with my wife's Keith Urban friends, who are predominantly female, and long before any marital issues arose. Some of them have remained as mutual friends. Any who know me know I have clear boundaries when it comes to female friends, so no negative aspects obtain. Atypical? Probably. I use MySpace to share my travelogues and philosophical musings with the world, not to hook up with people. I have plenty of friends IRL. Edited March 25, 2008 by carhill
Saxis Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 ...but I search for men of his traits without logging in so he doesn't see that I've been there either. He's not on-line every day, which leads me to believe he's not communicating with anyone regularly. In fact, like clockwork, he seems to log in on the days the "Your New Matches" emails are sent out. I'm not sure how to approach this with him, without it sounding like I was checking up on him, but my feeling is that if you're in an exclusive relationship with someone, you shouldn't be on-line. I'm a bit confused... Since you're on-line looking at profiles and actively hiding it from him, doesn't that mean your actions don't sync with your "feeling"?? How about trying to be honest with yourself before accusing someone else?
Author Sirenz Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Saxis, I think you misunderstood my statement. I haven't been searching to "browse" other men. Since I first noticed he had been on-line, I was searching for his profile only. Believe me, I'm completely honest with myself, consequently knowing that I cannot have a sexual relationship with this man if he's still actively searching for matches. My gut feeling tells me that Cahill may be on the mark...things moved a bit too fast and he still has that curiosity. Bottom line, even if its just curiosity, the other posters are right, if he's in an exclusive relationship with me, there's no reason for him to be there, and if he's not ready for an exclusive relationship, then I need to know.
Saxis Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Saxis, I think you misunderstood my statement. I haven't been searching to "browse" other men. Since I first noticed he had been on-line, I was searching for his profile only. Believe me, I'm completely honest with myself, consequently knowing that I cannot have a sexual relationship with this man if he's still actively searching for matches. My gut feeling tells me that Cahill may be on the mark...things moved a bit too fast and he still has that curiosity. Bottom line, even if its just curiosity, the other posters are right, if he's in an exclusive relationship with me, there's no reason for him to be there, and if he's not ready for an exclusive relationship, then I need to know. Ahh yes, I misunderstood, sorry. It sounded like you were browsing other profiles, not looking for his. I agree, 2 months from an on-line meeting would be a fast "exclusive" deal. Chance that he agreed to exclusiveness while being unsure, but didn't want to risk throwing it away so early? I think your only option is to bring it up calmly like has been suggested. Definitely don't accuse him of anything, but I see him taking it that way and firing back an accusation about why YOU were on the site as well. At least you'll know for sure. You had a valid excuse to be there at least...
so_sad Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I have little advice to add but just wanted to say that I hear where you're coming from. Curse these dating sites that let you see what people are up to! In all seriousness, if you had a talk about exclusivity, then I think you have every right to ask him if he's still logging in and talking to people. Good luck.
Author Sirenz Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 Okay, so I'm going to ask about this tonight...but I read on another board today that if a person has an AOL account, and they log in, that match will also show them as active because AOL and Match are partnered in some way.... My guy has an MSN email account, and I'm wondering if this isn't possible in his case as well? I do know that MSN and match are partnered....anyone have any idea?? Bottom line I still need to talk to him about it, but if this is possible and it will help to ease the sting I'm feeling, it might make it easier to have this conversation with him in a loving way instead of a threatening way, I just don't know for sure if this really happens.
carhill Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Ask him how he is feeling about your exclusive relationship and listen. Then, validate his feelings (tell him what you heard) and ask for what you want to feel secure in the relationship. Include in this request that both of you remove (not hide) your profiles and/or deactivate your accounts with online dating sites as you are now in a committed exclusive relationship. Then, if he says, "sure hon, that sounds good", both of you do it right then and there. Then, oinkie boinkie
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