Author soulseeker Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Therapy, please (that sex therapist I recommended above if nothing else).... you sound like a good person who needs to believe in your inner beauty. Life isn't a superficial beauty contest. Some may believe it is, but they're misguided Trust me when I tell you (and I've had most of my experience with "average" women) that there is nothing more beautiful and sexy than an "average" woman giving up control and losing herself into the throes of passion Make the call today Things is, I actually think I am above average. I have been told before, yes I know that it is a pick up line, that I was the most beautiful woman in the room..more than once! I feel more attractive alone than I do in this relationship. I feel above average outside of this relationship. But the fact that I let his opinion, spoken or not, of me affect my perception means I am not secure in my looks. I am seeing a therapist, and she (obviously she'd say this) cant believe I dont think I am pretty. GD it, I cant believe this is the reality of my situation. I cant believe I let myself think I forgot about what he said, or that I didnt take it to heart. I felt great in this relationship until that gd comment.
Lizzie60 Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Demonstration? Ooooohhh...yesssssssssss aaahhhh oohhhhhhhhhh yesssssss deeper.. oohhh.. huummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm thaaat'sssss sooooo gooodd... yeeeeaahhhhhhhhhh.. give it tooo meeeeeeeee baaabbyy... I,mmmmmm cooooommminnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg ooohhh yesssssssssssssssss yesssssssssssssssssssss yesssssssss and on and on... along with the Kegel exercises... and the tightening of the vagina muscles.. and there it is.. no way a guy would know... hahahaha you asked for it..
norajane Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 (edited) Things is, I actually think I am above average. I have been told before, yes I know that it is a pick up line, that I was the most beautiful woman in the room..more than once! I feel more attractive alone than I do in this relationship. I feel above average outside of this relationship. But the fact that I let his opinion, spoken or not, of me affect my perception means I am not secure in my looks. I am seeing a therapist, and she (obviously she'd say this) cant believe I dont think I am pretty. GD it, I cant believe this is the reality of my situation. I cant believe I let myself think I forgot about what he said, or that I didnt take it to heart. I felt great in this relationship until that gd comment. I don't think you need to discuss this with your therapist, then. I think you need to talk to your bf about it. He made that comment, and now you believe HE doesn't see you as sexy and beautiful, so it's hard for you to feel that way with him when you're having sex. Find out what he really meant by that comment. Or just find out if he does see you as hot and sexy. Maybe you are making too much of what he said, or misinterpreted it, or maybe he misspoke. Just because you are not THE MOST attractive woman he's dated, DOES NOT by any stretch mean he doesn't think you ARE attractive and sexy. I've dated men who are drop-dead gorgeous, but I've had world-class outstanding sex with two guys who aren't particularly handsome. But they were sexy to me, which is very, very different from handsome. Edited March 25, 2008 by norajane
Kamille Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 (edited) Carhill - I want my bf to know that it is not a reflection on his abilities. i want to feel that there is nothing wrong with me either. I just cant shake the thought that we might not be that great a match if this is that big of an issues after only 5 months. I dont expect there to be no work in a relationship, but there is a stigma attached to sex that it should jsut happen. Since he said it wasnt as enjoyable, quite frankly, I am freaked that he thinks our relationship sucks. I hate to think we arent compatible, that would break my heart. He just called me and we talked about our day for about 10 min. No mention of things left unsaid, so I guess he doesnt need to talk about it anymore. I will do some thinking this week while he is at work. Edit: sorry, I didn't notice the whole second page of posts before writing this. I still think it is relevant, but obviously you need to feel attractive to your bf in order for things to go smoothly. BTW, are there men with whom you had no difficulty reaching orgasms, or has it been your general experience? There are a lot of books and even videos out there for couples in your situation. I used to have difficulty reaching orgasm with anyone and I read "For yourself", which suggests little exercices to get the flow of things going. I didn't have a partner at the time, but oddly enough, since reading that book, my stats have improved. I feel like you two are taking this hard - yet I should be the last to criticize since I know how difficult these situations can be. Just remember that it is something that you can both decide to work on, by reading about it and experimenting with different ideas and techniques. This isn't how the sexual part of your relationship will always be. If you must dwell on this all weekend, please look into either the book "For yourself". It will likely help alleviate some of the anxieties you are feeling about this. In a way, the good news is that your pleasure is a priority to him. I think that shows dedication and involvement on his part, which is half the battle already won. This isn't a problem so much as the beginning of sexual discoveries. Edited March 25, 2008 by Kamille
carhill Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 and on and on... along with the Kegel exercises... and the tightening of the vagina muscles.. and there it is.. no way a guy would know... Love those Kegels. See, I'm so good at faking my wife asks me all the time "did you come?" Of course, I also hear "is it in yet?" :D Of course, she's with all the bronze gods down on the Colorado this week floating from bar to bar so there won't be any joy in the Carhill household for awhile
Starry-eyed Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 To be quite honest, I am not that confident in my looks. Never have been. I get asked out a lot, so I suppose that comes from my childhood. I think my bf thinks I am attractive, but Im fairly certain he does not think I am the most attractive woman he has dated. This bothers me. He made one comment a while back that, in my head, solidified this opinion. I guess perhaps I have not gotten over this. As a result, I distance myself from him while he is away as a defense mechanism to avoid being hurt. I am afraid he is going to be more attracted to one of the women he works with and ditch me. This is really my problem. You nailed it. I guess I really am in denial. I dont even want him looking at me during sex because I feel like he is going to be dissapointed. soulseeker, I can relate to a lot of what you say. My bf and I usually go through the work week without seeing each other or talking too much (even though we work one floor away from each other) and I often feel distant when I finally see him again on the weekend because I'm defending myself from being hurt. It's my insecurity. And I understand how being together for several days and then apart really affects your relationship right now, it would do that to me, too. It's like seeing and being with someone and everything is great and you're happy and feel liked, and then bam, he's gone and you've got to be your independent self again. I also have a hard time orgasaming (how do you spell that??) with my bf, even though I'm intensely attracted to him. But I don't masturbate by touching myself and when I try, I don't reach the o, I need a vibrator. But, my bf has been awesome at reminding me that orgasm is not the entire point or the be-all, end-all of sex. Sex is a journey and we enjoy all the things that we do together and how everything feels, regardless of o-ing or not. Can your bf just appreciate the touching and everything else? Just enjoy whatever happens without looking for some particular goal? Maybe even if you say that you're NOT trying to orgasam, that you're just going to do other things but not reach a climax, then that can take some pressure off. I think that's kind of like what they do in sex therapy, you just work on touching each other but not to orgasam, but eventually you work up to that.
Author soulseeker Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 Well, I swallowed my pride and came clean about my insecurities relating back to his comment. He was shocked to know that what he said two months ago was still affecting me, but it's the truth. I needed to hear some reassurance from him, and I actually asked him point blank if he thought I was hot and if he was attracted to me. I think he was a bit discouraged that I didnt know he thought both things about me. But after I explained that he comment hurt me especially hard was because it related to an area that I am insecure about. He said it made sense. Then I explained that the reason I brought up this incident again, was that I wanted him to know that I got some insight into my half of the lack-o-orgasm issue. He understood the need to bring it up again I feel much better about it. We also discussed some of the ways in which we communicate differently, and that made me feel better. He also expressed that he feels like I miss a lot of the way he shows me he cares about me. I apologized for that. That it is not ok that he doesnt know how thoughtful I think he is. I then explained that I recognize signs of love perhaps differently than he does. All in all it was a great conversation. AND, it was only 15 min long! Thank you to everyone who gave advice. It really helped to talk it out on here and get perspective. I was able to go in to the conversation with a clear head.
Habibti Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Okay, first off- let one thing be known to your for the rest of your life : Only YOU are in control of how you recieve feedback from others. For example- I might make my boyfriend brownies and I ask him if he likes them...he says "Yes I do, they are pretty good". Now I hear this "yeah they were okay..I've had better". I'm not exactly sure what comment your boyfriend made but if you are already feeling insecure I can tell you that you're going to hold on to that percieved negativity for dear life because it's the one steady rock of security you DO have : you feel insecure- and that compliment validated the insecurity (in your mind) so it must be true!. Second of all, it's interesting to me that your insecurity lies on your looks. You aren't concerned if you are the most kind hearted he has ever dated? The most compassionate-empathetic? The most generous? Just the most attractive? Let me tell you a short but sweet story about the most attractive...My boyfriend is a gem. He is successful- but humble. Giving, accepting, down to earth- extremely charismatic- thoughtful-faithful-honest.A true true gem. In his past he's dated models, a lot of them. That was of course in his younger days back before he grew wise and mature about a few things . To this day those model types persue the ever living crap out of him- but who has his heart and who does he want to make his wife? Me, I'm far from model material- I am pretty but I'm no model and never will be. But he loves my wit and my cleverness, he loves my heart and spirit.To him I am the prettiest girl in the world and all others can't hold a candle and he has told me so. One day, no matter how pretty we are- we'll all be wrinkly, sagging, and drooping. Physical beauty fades- will you never enjoy another day of your life then because you no longer have your looks to back you up? Ask yourself that because that is exactly what you're doing in the present while you still have those "looks".
BlueHaiku Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Others have made good suggestions about learning to love and accept yourself. I want to address the BF issue. A lot of men seem to think that if the woman doesn't Othen its a slight on the men personally. That's just weird. Now I happen to O, every time, without fail, usually more than once. The guys I've been with are like "Woo hoo! That's such an ego boost! It makes me feel like a MAN!" I don't really disabuse them of that notion - I don't want to wreck their evening. But every time I'm thinking "Actually, no, it has nothing much to do with you whatsoever." I mean, I know what I like during sex... I do it or guide the guy to doing it, there you go. Well, perhaps you should get your boyfriend some articles about women and orgasm. He might learn that it is actually for most women pretty hard to orgasm during sex, and he might learn that it has more to do with the woman's emotional state, and he might learn that there are some things he might be able to do that would help (like day-long flirting and foreplay).
Author soulseeker Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 Okay, first off- let one thing be known to your for the rest of your life : Only YOU are in control of how you recieve feedback from others. For example- I might make my boyfriend brownies and I ask him if he likes them...he says "Yes I do, they are pretty good". Now I hear this "yeah they were okay..I've had better". I'm not exactly sure what comment your boyfriend made but if you are already feeling insecure I can tell you that you're going to hold on to that percieved negativity for dear life because it's the one steady rock of security you DO have : you feel insecure- and that compliment validated the insecurity (in your mind) so it must be true!. Second of all, it's interesting to me that your insecurity lies on your looks. You aren't concerned if you are the most kind hearted he has ever dated? The most compassionate-empathetic? The most generous? Just the most attractive? Let me tell you a short but sweet story about the most attractive...My boyfriend is a gem. He is successful- but humble. Giving, accepting, down to earth- extremely charismatic- thoughtful-faithful-honest.A true true gem. In his past he's dated models, a lot of them. That was of course in his younger days back before he grew wise and mature about a few things . To this day those model types persue the ever living crap out of him- but who has his heart and who does he want to make his wife? Me, I'm far from model material- I am pretty but I'm no model and never will be. But he loves my wit and my cleverness, he loves my heart and spirit.To him I am the prettiest girl in the world and all others can't hold a candle and he has told me so. One day, no matter how pretty we are- we'll all be wrinkly, sagging, and drooping. Physical beauty fades- will you never enjoy another day of your life then because you no longer have your looks to back you up? Ask yourself that because that is exactly what you're doing in the present while you still have those "looks". I dont think looks are the most important thing, by any means. Attraction is very important, however. And yes, looks do play a part in it, I wont pretend they dont. I am secure in myself in pretty much all other areas, so when my bf comments on my one area of glaring weakness, yes, I take it to heart. That's my issue though, not his. I hear what you are saying, and I agree. I guess my disappointment, potential disappointment, lies with believing that he cares more about looks than anything else. That is how I read his comment. I was wrong. And I wont hold onto that comment for dear life. My brain will certainly try like damn to do so, but I wont.
Quiksilver ca Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Buy him an instructional sex tape. Teach him how to curl your toes. Without exception, all men would love to be able to take ladies to orgasm every time, sadly there are many of us who arent experienced enough to ' dot the i '. The girls that I've been with have always had good communication with me, they'd tell me how to do the job right, what makes them shudder and gets their juices flowing.
Habibti Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I dont think looks are the most important thing, by any means. Attraction is very important, however. And yes, looks do play a part in it, I wont pretend they dont. I am secure in myself in pretty much all other areas, so when my bf comments on my one area of glaring weakness, yes, I take it to heart. That's my issue though, not his. I hear what you are saying, and I agree. I guess my disappointment, potential disappointment, lies with believing that he cares more about looks than anything else. That is how I read his comment. I was wrong. And I wont hold onto that comment for dear life. My brain will certainly try like damn to do so, but I wont. You go girl secondly, I was in a hurry yesterday and TOTALLY missed your post where you mentioned you two talked things out. OOOPS. Do forgive me ;-). I'm glad you two talked things over and you're feeling better about things.
Author soulseeker Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 Buy him an instructional sex tape. Teach him how to curl your toes. Without exception, all men would love to be able to take ladies to orgasm every time, sadly there are many of us who arent experienced enough to ' dot the i '. The girls that I've been with have always had good communication with me, they'd tell me how to do the job right, what makes them shudder and gets their juices flowing. I really believe the issue for me is an emotional one. I got held up on one comment and let that impact a lot. Thanks for the advice though:)
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