soulseeker Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 My bf and I had a talk last night after sex. I have been in denial, I think, for some time about the sex in our relationship. I love this man. I have only had 4 orgasms with him, over the course of 5 mos, only one of which he is aware of. This is a concern for me, but not as much as it seems to be for him. This is the cycle during sex: He feels guilty about having an orgasm if I havent. I sense his guilt and physically sigh (not out of my breath, my body does). He senses this and feels worse. Then I feel worse because he feels worse. Last night he said that my lack of orgasms is "impactful" to our relationship because I want to have more than I do. I cant disagree with this. And he feels like he cant get me there enough for my own satisfaction. He said this makes sex not as enjoyable. Again, I can agree. Ouch. This has reached a critical level in my eyes. I'm not able to make him feel ok about the frequency of the o's for me. There is a palpable wall between us now, and for once, it's constructed by both parties. Even though he says he is fine this morning, I know he is not. He was not reassuring at all when I said I did not feel good about how things are. He just said I know. Then he left. Backstory on him: He was in a serious relationship about 8 years ago and was in love. He was the first guy to give his gf an orgasm, but was only able to give her like 4 for the entirety of the rest of their 3 year relationship. He found out she was cheating on him with his roommate. He feels she cheated because of his inability. What am I supposed to do here? I feel like we are stuck in this place of "too much pressure and guilt." I love this man, and I want to work on this. I dont know where he is in the relationship right now, but I assume he is where I am. Wanting the sex to be more carefree and enjoyable. Any advice? Guys, what would you want your gf to do in this situation?
Kamille Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Well, he shouldn't feel so bad because a female orgasm is 60% her responsibility 40% his technique. I found my sex life greatly improved once I realized I could orgasm if and only if I wanted to. Can you make yourself climax when you masturbate? Do you integrate clitoral stimulation in your lovemaking? (either by you providing it or him?). Do you orgasm when he gives you oral or fingers you? (I mean, are the 4 orgasms the total of all your sexual activities or just intercourse?)
Author soulseeker Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 I can make myself orgasm pretty much without fail. Now that you mention it, I dont know if we've discussed the 60/40 thing. Though I really dont think that is going to make a difference. I feel such pressure now to have one, it's almost impossible. This whole thing has made me wonder whether I am as attracted to him as I originally thought. Like, why should it be such a problem? The 4 orgasms are a total of all of our activities. I should mention that his work schedule is such that we dont see or talk to each other for 8 days every six days. In case you hadnt read any of my other posts.
blind_otter Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 So do you incorporate manual stimulation into your lovemaking?
Kamille Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Have you tried masturbating (touching yourself) while he is inside of you? That usually works for me. I'm not sure I see how the 6days to 8 days impacts your ability to reach orgasm. But yeah, my sex-drive is unsteady and this often causes me to put everything into question (does it mean I'm not attracted to my bf, etc) so I understand all about the vicious cycles of pressure and questionning that sexuality can arise. I don't think not being able to orgasm is a sign of waning attraction though. Unless, are you less interested in sex because of it?
SeraBella Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 If you focus solely on having an orgasm, it's unlikely you'll ever have one. I rarely have an orgasm through intercourse. There are just a few positions that I do have one with, but there are so many other positions we enjoy that won't bring me to climax so we use other techniques we know that will bring me to that point either before or after. I don't have one everytime, sometimes it's just not going to happen. I can't always relax enough, or I'm thinking too much of something else. A lot of it has to do with your own mind.
carhill Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 OP, if you can orgasm fine on your own, you can with him, with a proper mindset and stimulation. There must be something else. My wife doesn't even like me most days lately but she's a goner when my lips and tongue head to the nether regions. That's because early on we found that type of stimulation was erotic and stimulating for her, where straight intercourse was not so. Hence, we incorporated it into our routine. She can fantasize or do whatever works for her and I'm happy that she's happy, even now Communication is so important; listening is key; experimentation is key; not taking "failures" personally is key. The first, communication, was one thing I've always admired in my wife; she always told me straight out what worked for her and what didn't. I loved that honesty. Hope you all can work it out.
Author soulseeker Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 (edited) I have tried masterbating while lovemaking, and it has worked twice. The 6 days on, 8 days off thing matters to me, because we lose any rhythm we've established in our relationship. It's been this schedule since the beginning, so it's been hard to lay a great foundation that will carry us through the off times. So he goes back to work tomorrow and if we dont leave on a great note, that sucks. Bad. I think two things are going on here. For me, my first major relationship ended with me not being attracted to my bf any more. I was never able to have an orgasm with him, so maybe I am transferring that uncertainty of attraction to this relationship and I cannot imagine staying in another relationship like that. Except, I AM attracted to my current BF. Second is his past. I asked him last night if what happened in the past is what is making him hyper aware of me not orgasming. He said yes. So, maybe he thinks bc I am not o-ing, that I will lose interest? And I'll cheat on him or break up? Could that explain why he is pulling away? He said that we have been getting to this point of it being "less enjoyable" for some time. Is he losing interest? I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said no. That he didnt think the situation was at code orange yet. Not sure what that means other than not at the break up stage yet. I want to talk to him before he goes back to work, but I know he needs stress-free time before he goes in. So, I wont talk to him about it for 8/9 days. Yuck. I'll be thinking about it and ruminating on it, and it wont be on his mind bc he'll be otherwise occupied mentally and emotionally. And after 8/9 days, what is the point? Awesome. Plus, I feel like he left either frustrated or not caring. Maybe I should just give him space and think about what I want? What would you guys do? Edited March 25, 2008 by soulseeker
NuTuDating Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 What would you guys do? Have him go down on you. I mean, if you can do it on your own, but not with him, no matter what he does, then it's an issue with you as well. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Change things up a bit, have an orgasm from something other than intercourse.
Author soulseeker Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Have him go down on you. I mean, if you can do it on your own, but not with him, no matter what he does, then it's an issue with you as well. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Change things up a bit, have an orgasm from something other than intercourse. I've tried that. To be honest, I have only had a few orgasms from oral in all of my years, so that must be me. I know what I need to get the job done, I'm not even trying with intercourse alone. It's just not happening. And now that I know it's a big deal to him, that he is so aware of it, and that it makes sex less enjoyable, I hesitant to even have sex. I need some suggestions as to how to get out of the mental block. Talk about it MORE to him? Give him space and see what happens? Though I am nervous to do this as we arent in the best of places right now anyway. Guys, what's a guy thinking in a situation like this? He says he loves me, and I felt like that until this week. I have felt that he is more distant this week in general. If you were in love with a woman, what would you want from her in this situation?
carhill Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 OK, ask him to focus more on the pleasure and closeness of lovemaking rather than your orgasmic count. This can do two things: get your mind off of orgasms and just let them happen, as well as open up other opportunities for physical closeness, which can create a whole new path to orgasm. Remember, the brain is your most important sexual organ If my wife asked the above, I would be more than happy to comply. I've long thought our lovemaking was too orgasm-centric. I love the whole process.
Author soulseeker Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 OK, ask him to focus more on the pleasure and closeness of lovemaking rather than your orgasmic count. This can do two things: get your mind off of orgasms and just let them happen, as well as open up other opportunities for physical closeness, which can create a whole new path to orgasm. Remember, the brain is your most important sexual organ If my wife asked the above, I would be more than happy to comply. I've long thought our lovemaking was too orgasm-centric. I love the whole process. I appreciate your comments, thank you. This really seems to bother my bf. He told me that if it were even once every ten times we had sex he would feel better about it. I asked him if he would try to not keep score like that. He said he wasnt keeping score, that is how his brain works, but he will try. Maybe we arent compatible? Maybe were in that $hitty stage where a couple moves from romance to reality.
carhill Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Maybe we arent compatible? Maybe were in that $hitty stage where a couple moves from romance to reality. The former was mentioned by our psychologist. Disparate styles and perspectives can result in incompatibility, even if there is attraction, love and respect. For some men, being a "successful" lover means being able to make their partner orgasm whenever they desire. If your BF is one of those, you'll have to decide whether or not you can live with this perspective, which also can permeate other parts of intimacy. Try this, and maybe it sounds a bit cold and disconnected, but try it anyway: Use an intercourse position that allows you to masturbate and move your mind from the moment to an erotic fantasy, forgetting about your BF. I know you have them See where it goes. I have this fantasy about the mother of a friend I had when I was a teenager that works every time If you find the two of you can't get on the same page sexually, and the rest of the relationship is otherwise loving and satisfying, consider engaging a sexual therapist to assist you. Oh, lastly, how is your foreplay away from the bedroom? I call it "day play", where there is titillation but no sex....
Author soulseeker Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Carhill - I want my bf to know that it is not a reflection on his abilities. i want to feel that there is nothing wrong with me either. I just cant shake the thought that we might not be that great a match if this is that big of an issues after only 5 months. I dont expect there to be no work in a relationship, but there is a stigma attached to sex that it should jsut happen. Since he said it wasnt as enjoyable, quite frankly, I am freaked that he thinks our relationship sucks. I hate to think we arent compatible, that would break my heart. He just called me and we talked about our day for about 10 min. No mention of things left unsaid, so I guess he doesnt need to talk about it anymore. I will do some thinking this week while he is at work.
Siphon9a Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Carhill - I want my bf to know that it is not a reflection on his abilities. i want to feel that there is nothing wrong with me either. I just cant shake the thought that we might not be that great a match if this is that big of an issues after only 5 months. I dont expect there to be no work in a relationship, but there is a stigma attached to sex that it should jsut happen. Since he said it wasnt as enjoyable, quite frankly, I am freaked that he thinks our relationship sucks. I hate to think we arent compatible, that would break my heart. He just called me and we talked about our day for about 10 min. No mention of things left unsaid, so I guess he doesnt need to talk about it anymore. I will do some thinking this week while he is at work. Well since you problem lies in intercourse. Do you have any toys of his similar size that you could use to find your "spot" that will get you to orgasm? That way, he can be doing his thing, and you position yourself in such a way thats similar to achieve an orgasm quickly. That way you get your o and he's happy??? Just a thought? I'd hate to see a relationship go sour on something that's suppose to be an enjoyable experience for both parties involved. Just find out what you like and get him to do that. That's what my gf's always have done. When I find out the spot, I'm a very giving person!
Lizzie60 Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 My bf and I had a talk last night after sex. I have been in denial, I think, for some time about the sex in our relationship. I love this man. I have only had 4 orgasms with him, over the course of 5 mos, only one of which he is aware of. This is a concern for me, but not as much as it seems to be for him. This is the cycle during sex: He feels guilty about having an orgasm if I havent. I sense his guilt and physically sigh (not out of my breath, my body does). He senses this and feels worse. Then I feel worse because he feels worse. Last night he said that my lack of orgasms is "impactful" to our relationship because I want to have more than I do. I cant disagree with this. And he feels like he cant get me there enough for my own satisfaction. He said this makes sex not as enjoyable. Again, I can agree. Ouch. This has reached a critical level in my eyes. I'm not able to make him feel ok about the frequency of the o's for me. There is a palpable wall between us now, and for once, it's constructed by both parties. Even though he says he is fine this morning, I know he is not. He was not reassuring at all when I said I did not feel good about how things are. He just said I know. Then he left. Backstory on him: He was in a serious relationship about 8 years ago and was in love. He was the first guy to give his gf an orgasm, but was only able to give her like 4 for the entirety of the rest of their 3 year relationship. He found out she was cheating on him with his roommate. He feels she cheated because of his inability. What am I supposed to do here? I feel like we are stuck in this place of "too much pressure and guilt." I love this man, and I want to work on this. I dont know where he is in the relationship right now, but I assume he is where I am. Wanting the sex to be more carefree and enjoyable. Any advice? Guys, what would you want your gf to do in this situation? I didn't read the whole thread.. but from your post I don't get it.. Why is he responsible for YOUR 'O'.. you should have a serious talk and tell him to relax that you will take care of this.. OR FAKE IT!!!! but take your time.. don't come 4 times the next time you have sex...
Author soulseeker Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Well since you problem lies in intercourse. Do you have any toys of his similar size that you could use to find your "spot" that will get you to orgasm? That way, he can be doing his thing, and you position yourself in such a way thats similar to achieve an orgasm quickly. That way you get your o and he's happy??? Just a thought? I'd hate to see a relationship go sour on something that's suppose to be an enjoyable experience for both parties involved. Just find out what you like and get him to do that. That's what my gf's always have done. When I find out the spot, I'm a very giving person! I'm not even striving for an o from intercourse at this point. And I know what works for me, it's just not working for us . Often. After thinking about it some more, I just think he feels so badly about it because of that wench that he thinks cheated on him for the same reason we are dealing with now. The difference is, I am talking to him about it. I'm not blaming him, in fact I asked him to stop trying. Is that not a good idea? For his ego, I mean. Someone suggested faking it. I dont like that idea. If I start faking it, he'll think things have changed when they havent. I get the idea of faking it til you make it, but I think this is dangerous territory to try that in. What if it doesnt improve with faking? Then I am stuck with what I've got or I have to tell him I've been lying. Thanks to everyone who has offered advice, I truly appreciate it. I'm just frustrated...
carhill Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Since I spend a lot of time down yonder, I can tell voluntary from involuntary and faking doesn't work with me, so I told my wife to communicate to me what she wants rather than faking it. That way, even when she doesn't have an orgasm, I know it's honest and there's always next time Ask him (outside the bedroom) if he's clear about focusing on his own pleasure, as you've suggested. Reset the clock. Unring the bell. Start your engines
norajane Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I want my bf to know that it is not a reflection on his abilities. i want to feel that there is nothing wrong with me either. Does your bf play some kind of sport that requires skill and concentration? The way I'd try to explain it to him is to get him to consider how comparatively "easy" it is to sink a basket, hit the bullseye, hit a homerun, etc., when there is no pressure, it's not the big game, no one is watching, the crowd isn't holding it's breath, and no one is betting their life savings on the outcome. It's one thing for a pitcher to strike out a player during practice. It's an entirely different thing when it's the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, and two outs. Tell him his urgent desire to make you come, and the fact that it seems like your whole relationship is now focused on this one thing, it's causing you to choke in the last inning of the World Series. And if you both take a step back and stop playing for the championship and instead play for fun, no score-keeping, no winning or losing, and no pressure, you both might relax enough to bring the joy and orgasms into your sex life.
Lizzie60 Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Since I spend a lot of time down yonder, I can tell voluntary from involuntary and faking doesn't work with me, so I told my wife to communicate to me what she wants rather than faking it. That way, even when she doesn't have an orgasm, I know it's honest and there's always next time Ask him (outside the bedroom) if he's clear about focusing on his own pleasure, as you've suggested. Reset the clock. Unring the bell. Start your engines But if the woman is a GOOD faker .. there is nooo way you can tell..
Author soulseeker Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Does your bf play some kind of sport that requires skill and concentration? The way I'd try to explain it to him is to get him to consider how comparatively "easy" it is to sink a basket, hit the bullseye, hit a homerun, etc., when there is no pressure, it's not the big game, no one is watching, the crowd isn't holding it's breath, and no one is betting their life savings on the outcome. It's one thing for a pitcher to strike out a player during practice. It's an entirely different thing when it's the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, and two outs. Tell him his urgent desire to make you come, and the fact that it seems like your whole relationship is now focused on this one thing, it's causing you to choke in the last inning of the World Series. And if you both take a step back and stop playing for the championship and instead play for fun, no score-keeping, no winning or losing, and no pressure, you both might relax enough to bring the joy and orgasms into your sex life. He does, actually. This might work! Thank you.
carhill Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 But if the woman is a GOOD faker .. there is nooo way you can tell.. Demonstration?
Habibti Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Okay, I can see a few things that are most likely hindering this situation for you. The first : You are NOT secure in your relationship. This is probably the BIGGEST factor for you with the others being obvious sub-issues (so to speak ). You two have a relationship in which you both know and have known you will spend more time apart (physically) than together. You feel like there is a disconnect everytime he leaves for those 8 days.Why is that? Why do you feel that you only have a relationship with your partner when they are physically present? These are questions you really need to ask yourself. People in general are prone to repeat most of their current relationship habits over and over again so is it possible you didn't feel very secure in your past relationships either? You tell me. If so, it's clean slate time. What needs do you have that you FEEL are being neglected because he leaves you for 8 days ? I will not go into the other "sub-issues" until I get some feedback on you about this one, look forward to hearing from you
Author soulseeker Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Okay, I can see a few things that are most likely hindering this situation for you. The first : You are NOT secure in your relationship. This is probably the BIGGEST factor for you with the others being obvious sub-issues (so to speak ). You two have a relationship in which you both know and have known you will spend more time apart (physically) than together. You feel like there is a disconnect everytime he leaves for those 8 days.Why is that? Why do you feel that you only have a relationship with your partner when they are physically present? These are questions you really need to ask yourself. People in general are prone to repeat most of their current relationship habits over and over again so is it possible you didn't feel very secure in your past relationships either? You tell me. If so, it's clean slate time. What needs do you have that you FEEL are being neglected because he leaves you for 8 days ? I will not go into the other "sub-issues" until I get some feedback on you about this one, look forward to hearing from you To be quite honest, I am not that confident in my looks. Never have been. I get asked out a lot, so I suppose that comes from my childhood. I think my bf thinks I am attractive, but Im fairly certain he does not think I am the most attractive woman he has dated. This bothers me. He made one comment a while back that, in my head, solidified this opinion. I guess perhaps I have not gotten over this. As a result, I distance myself from him while he is away as a defense mechanism to avoid being hurt. I am afraid he is going to be more attracted to one of the women he works with and ditch me. This is really my problem. You nailed it. I guess I really am in denial. I dont even want him looking at me during sex because I feel like he is going to be dissapointed.
carhill Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I dont even want him looking at me during sex because I feel like he is going to be dissapointed.Therapy, please (that sex therapist I recommended above if nothing else).... you sound like a good person who needs to believe in your inner beauty. Life isn't a superficial beauty contest. Some may believe it is, but they're misguided Trust me when I tell you (and I've had most of my experience with "average" women) that there is nothing more beautiful and sexy than an "average" woman giving up control and losing herself into the throes of passion Make the call today
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