What does it mean if you don't ever get over her?...

[xRJ85x]

So this girl and I were in a casual relationship (friends with benefits deal), but I ended up falling for her. However, bad timing screwed us. Our lives were at rock bottom and we were semi-long distance, so we rarely got to have any fun with each other. And the main problem was she didn't even want a relationship with us finishing college and moving coming up, so she decided one day to break off our casual relationship because she saw that I wanted more and thought it wasn't fair to me. I made the mistake of begging her, and now she doesn't want to even think about me, let alone hear from me or see me. She says she has no intention of ever talking to me again.

 

Now normally I can let go of girls; I've done it several times in the past in similar situations. But this one seems to have affected me much more than any of those other girls. Its been a couple of months of trying everything (going out with other girls, actively trying to shut her out, keeping myself busy, etc.), but I still feel the need for her just as much to this day.

 

Almost all tell me that I will never get with her. However, our close friends always say that even though that may be true, we would be great together. It just turned out that we were at a low point in our lives and that screwed us. I basically put the nail in the coffin for the time being because I was impatient and childish. Now with so much thought about how we would be great, it's making it impossible to let go. So is this just life's way of telling me things like "you have to settle for less" and "there's no one right person for you, just a person that's right at the moment?" Or should I be holding on to hope?

Edited March 25, 2008 by xRJ85x

[theatregal4]

Wow, that's a bummer, but here's some advice....

 

You know the expression "everything happens for a reason.."

 

This is one of those situations. You both were obviously, like you mentioned, at a time and place which was hard to sustain a good relationship. Of course if the both of you wanted a relationship, both of you would have tried to work for it, not make excuses. When one person feels strongly about another there has to be the same feeling back, so the feeling you have really doesn't exist. It takes two to date in this world and if the other person doesn't share the same feeling, the relationship doesn't exist.

 

You should be glad she was open and honest about it. Of course I don't know the actrual details, but if you think you might be settling for less...that's a harsh feeling to have to other possible women out there. Right now you are holding this girl on a pedestal and comparing her probably with other women. You just have to let go and see the other wonderful, redeeming qualities other women have.

 

Good luck!

[xRJ85x]

Wow, that's a bummer, but here's some advice....

 

You know the expression "everything happens for a reason.."

 

This is one of those situations. You both were obviously, like you mentioned, at a time and place which was hard to sustain a good relationship. Of course if the both of you wanted a relationship, both of you would have tried to work for it, not make excuses. When one person feels strongly about another there has to be the same feeling back, so the feeling you have really doesn't exist. It takes two to date in this world and if the other person doesn't share the same feeling, the relationship doesn't exist.

 

You should be glad she was open and honest about it. Of course I don't know the actrual details, but if you think you might be settling for less...that's a harsh feeling to have to other possible women out there. Right now you are holding this girl on a pedestal and comparing her probably with other women. You just have to let go and see the other wonderful, redeeming qualities other women have.

 

Good luck!

 

 

That's the problem. I don't mean it to be a harsh feeling, but it's just how I feel. This girl was literally everything I wanted. And the other problem arose because I was going through such a difficult time that I wasn't being the guy she would have loved. She asked my best friend a couple times while we were still on if she would really like me if I was how I was a year ago, and he told her many times she would. So I don't know how much of her not wanting something with me was my depressive state and how much was her just not wanting a relationship because of the time frame.

 

I've been trying to see other women, and I do like somethings about them, but they don't make me feel anything like her. She was the one thing that made me happy while my life was going down. I was making her happy too, but she apparently got nervous because I got attached. I just don't know what to think about it, but I want to believe this will all blow over one day and we'll give things a real shot.

[Chinook]

That's the problem. I don't mean it to be a harsh feeling, but it's just how I feel. This girl was literally everything I wanted. And the other problem arose because I was going through such a difficult time that I wasn't being the guy she would have loved.

Um I'm not entirely sure what's going on with this but... you've heard of the grieving process...? This is the classic bargaining stage 'if only I'd been the guy she needed'. The fact is, you're the guy you are... and things were happening that were happening. In my experience, if someone is committed to you and loves you, nothing but hell or high water will stop them showing you that commitment. So in my estimation this has nothing to do with you not living up to your expectations of being the guy she needed, even if you had... I suspect that still would be different and the goal posts would have moved! The fact is, you guys had a basic incompatibility... she simply didn't feel the way you did.

 

She asked my best friend a couple times while we were still on if she would really like me if I was how I was a year ago, and he told her many times she would. So I don't know how much of her not wanting something with me was my depressive state and how much was her just not wanting a relationship because of the time frame.

Like I said above, if she wanted a relationship, she would have made the effort and committed to it, despite your depressive state. I don't think it's a good plan to internalise this as all down to you. What it comes down to is you guys didn't have matching expectations of each other and wanted different things... even with the timing and your circumstances, it is still possible to conduct a relationship when both sides are committed.

 

I've been trying to see other women, and I do like some things about them, but they don't make me feel anything like her.

You know, I think it's too soon really. You're just not ready to feel any way about other women than how you felt for this girl and that's okay.

 

She was the one thing that made me happy while my life was going down. I was making her happy too, but she apparently got nervous because I got attached. I just don't know what to think about it, but I want to believe this will all blow over one day and we'll give things a real shot.

I think this is two things. I don't think you're focusing on her as the person she is. She wasn't committed to you when you needed stability. She made you happy, therefore she represents happiness at a time when you needed it. When the going was tough and you wanted more, she high-tailed it out of there because it didn't server her purposes anymore. I'm sorry to have to put it like that... but casual and blasé is what she wanted and what you provided. When that changed, she exited the picture. You really should be thankful that she did that - you could have ended up in an unfulfilling relationship where she wasn't really committed but didn't have the sense to walk away... there are lots of marriages that break up years after exactly for this reason. I think you're kidding yourself if you think it will amount to anything in the future - you need to focus on you and on rebuilding who you are. Someday, some special girlie will walk into your life and you won't give this girl a second thought... be mindful tho, the more you focus on this girl, you might miss the pretty girl who can give you what you need.

[dfreeman]

So in my estimation this has nothing to do with you not living up to your expectations of being the guy she needed, even if you had... I suspect that still would be different and the goal posts would have moved!

 

My friends have been trying to beat this into my head for 10 weeks! Every situation is different xRj, but I think he might have a HUGE point here - you and your ex were probably so casual because that is all she wanted from you all along. It is very possible that she would have sensed you trying to be another way for her and ended it sooner?

[Chinook]

but I think he might have a HUGE point here

 

*he* is a she

[dfreeman]

*he* is a she

 

Oops ~ sorry bout dat

[xRJ85x]

The fact is, you guys had a basic incompatibility... she simply didn't feel the way you did.

 

Like I said above, if she wanted a relationship, she would have made the effort and committed to it, despite your depressive state. I don't think it's a good plan to internalise this as all down to you. What it comes down to is you guys didn't have matching expectations of each other and wanted different things... even with the timing and your circumstances, it is still possible to conduct a relationship when both sides are committed.

 

True, I understand that, but a big part of the problem was that she was REALLY against relationships. It wasn't just that she didn't want one at the moment, but she actually thought other people (including her best friends) were wrong for either being in a relationship or wanting one. She constantly told her friends that she didn't want a relationship with anyone, so it wasn't just her letting me down easy. I don't know why but this was just her mindset. So I'm wondering (and even hoping) that a big aspect of her closing me off was that she was just going by her feeling. She's not gonna feel this way forever, and what I'm asking about is that was it just that she was so about her own mindset? When she feels the need for a relationship again, and I'm around, can I and should I give things a second shot?

 

I think this is two things. I don't think you're focusing on her as the person she is. She wasn't committed to you when you needed stability. She made you happy, therefore she represents happiness at a time when you needed it. When the going was tough and you wanted more, she high-tailed it out of there because it didn't server her purposes anymore. I'm sorry to have to put it like that... but casual and blasé is what she wanted and what you provided. When that changed, she exited the picture. You really should be thankful that she did that - you could have ended up in an unfulfilling relationship where she wasn't really committed but didn't have the sense to walk away... there are lots of marriages that break up years after exactly for this reason. I think you're kidding yourself if you think it will amount to anything in the future - you need to focus on you and on rebuilding who you are. Someday, some special girlie will walk into your life and you won't give this girl a second thought... be mindful tho, the more you focus on this girl, you might miss the pretty girl who can give you what you need.

 

I don't think I fully understand this. Do you mean that I just made her a happy thought in my mind to escape from all the other bad stuff and that she really wasn't what I wanted? If so, my one friend suggested this, and I took it into consideration. But when I thought about it, when I first met her, I wasn't fully taken by her. I was still looking at other girls and enjoying time with them. But when things started to spiral down, she was the one girl that I thought of. I spent time with her, less than I did with other girls I was going after, and I fell for her quicker because I realized she was what I wanted.

 

When the going was tough and you wanted more, she high-tailed it out of there because it didn't server her purposes anymore.

 

What do you mean by this?

[MalachiX]

Can I offer a kind of cynical take?

 

I think perhaps it's so hard for you to let go because you never had a REAL relationship with this girl. You keep describing it as casual and long distance through most of it. It seems like you never really got to the point where you were trying to form a life with this girl. Rather, you had enough contact to be in a relationship but you got also now have to deal with a lot of the difficult stuff. You let her become the idealized soul mate in your head and, now that it's done, you havn't just lost a girl but you've lost the dream of the perfect girl. That's often some of the hardest stuff to move past.

 

I know a lot of people who have different dating troubles and it's rare that ANYONE I know who's realistic and who has maintained a serious relationship over the years will argue that their ex (or even their curent partner) is their perfect match and 100% right for them. That's just not how these things work. Those who talk in the kind of absolutes I'm hearing from you rarely have their relationships work and usually take a long time go get over each failed one.

 

So, once again, I think the problem is that you're really not trying to let go of this girl. I think the problem is that you're trying to let go of this idealized vision of the perfect girl you have. You're trying to let go of a dream and that's a lot harder than letting go of reality in a lot of ways.

[MalachiX]

Ok, just read some of the other posters and realized they already said, basically, what I was saying. Sorry.

 

Still, if a couple of us are telling you this maybe you should be more open to the possibility that a big part of why you can't let go is because of how you built her up in your head.

 

This girl was literally everything I wanted.

 

See, a statement like this just doesn't ring true. I've never known someone who found another person who has EVERYTHING they could have ever hoped for. That's not saying you're not really in love, it's just nobody is perfect and partner is perfect for you.

 

True, I understand that, but a big part of the problem was that she was REALLY against relationships.

 

If she was REALLY against relationships and you never really "gave it a shot" and it was, at best, a "casual relationship," then how can you know that she is the perfect girl for you?

 

But when I thought about it, when I first met her, I wasn't fully taken by her. I was still looking at other girls and enjoying time with them. But when things started to spiral down, she was the one girl that I thought of. I spent time with her, less than I did with other girls I was going after, and I fell for her quicker because I realized she was what I wanted.

 

That doesn't mean she was the one girl for you. In fact, you kind of proved the other person's point. You weren't taken with her until things started to go bad at which point she became you're "happy place." Or perhaps you were truly in love with her but that still doesn't mean she was the only person for you. I've only been in love once but I don't think my EX is the only person in the world I could fall in love with (at least I sure as hell hope not).

[xRJ85x]

Can I offer a kind of cynical take?

 

I think perhaps it's so hard for you to let go because you never had a REAL relationship with this girl. You keep describing it as casual and long distance through most of it. It seems like you never really got to the point where you were trying to form a life with this girl. Rather, you had enough contact to be in a relationship but you got also now have to deal with a lot of the difficult stuff. You let her become the idealized soul mate in your head and, now that it's done, you havn't just lost a girl but you've lost the dream of the perfect girl. That's often some of the hardest stuff to move past.

 

I know a lot of people who have different dating troubles and it's rare that ANYONE I know who's realistic and who has maintained a serious relationship over the years will argue that their ex (or even their curent partner) is their perfect match and 100% right for them. That's just not how these things work. Those who talk in the kind of absolutes I'm hearing from you rarely have their relationships work and usually take a long time go get over each failed one.

 

So, once again, I think the problem is that you're really not trying to let go of this girl. I think the problem is that you're trying to let go of this idealized vision of the perfect girl you have. You're trying to let go of a dream and that's a lot harder than letting go of reality in a lot of ways.

 

My one friend said this same thing to me; that I just made put her so high because she was the one good thing going on at the time. I think that may be true to a degree, but when things started getting better, I still thought of her the same way. I don't think this affected how I felt about her, but rather affected how quickly I fell for her (she mentioned to my friend that she got uncomfortable that I fell so quickly for her).

 

The problem is that I'm a very picky person when it comes to relationships with girls. I don't give them thought and go after them unless I really feel something with them. That's apparently my curse in life; I either fall for them fast or I don't fall for them at all. Which brings another question up; what is so wrong with falling fast for someone? You can't control your emotions, and if you feel strongly about someone quickly, why should you be punished for it? You're supposed to follow your heart.

 

As for her being everything I wanted, no she wasn't perfect, but she was perfect in the sense that certain things about her that I value struck me. When you love someone, you're able to see past their flaws, and that's what I did with her. She was a very independent person, and because of that, came off as a real bitch sometimes. But I was able to see past that because the things I did love about her we're strong enough.

[MalachiX]

The problem is that I'm a very picky person when it comes to relationships with girls.

 

You and me both buddy. And I'd like to believe you didn't just lose the only person you'll ever love so I can believe that I didn't just lose the only person I'll ever love. Most people with a real understanding of relationships (better than you or I) will tell you that she's not the only person in the world for you.

 

what is so wrong with falling fast for someone? You can't control your emotions, and if you feel strongly about someone quickly, why should you be punished for it? You're supposed to follow your heart.

 

Because, unless you'd like to seriously make an argument for ESP (which is fine but that's a whole other issue), you can't possibly fall in love with someone who you havn't known for very long. Love is a deep and complicated emotion and something that requires a lot of information to have. I personally wouldn't say that photography or cooking was a life-long love of mine until I'd spent a lot of time in that field and learned its in's and out's. Why would you do any different for the person you wish to spend your life with?

 

When I started dating my EX (we were together two and a half years); I felt numerous times that I could love her based on what I'd seen but it took me about four months (and I know that's fast) before I said the words "I love you." I'm not sure I even really knew what it meant then. I think it probably took another six months before I was even sure I really meant those words. If you believe that love is something more than just infacuation, then you have to realize it takes a while before you truly learn to love someone.

 

The heart is a great thing but it's also an easily corruptable thing. I've convinced myself countless times that my silly little crushes were "love" and that these people would be my soul mates if only we'd get a real shot at a relationship. Only as I've gotten older and been in a relationship where I sincerely loved someone that I realize that it's a crock.

 

The point is that you yourself have said you never gave it a real shot. Until you do, you really can't know that you love someone. It's that simple. It's so easy to build the "one that got away" up in your head. It doesn't mean you're dillusional or anything. It just means that you're a bit of a hopeless romantic (like a lot of us) and you're facing losing a dream.

 

Maybe this girl would have turned out to be the one for you. I'm not denying that. But you didn't get to find that out and, as much as it sucks, you're left with no choice but to move on. It's hard but I think the first step is awknowladging that perhaps she may not have been all you thought her to be.

 

If it helps, I'm still reeling from a similar situation. I was in a long-distance relationship (we were together for a year and then she went off to Grad school) and I ended up being in a REALLY bad place in my life. I pushed her away and she said she wanted to break up. Three days later, she called me in the hopes of reconcileing and I, so full of self-doubt and loathing, told her that every bad thing about me she thought was true and that she was better off without me. We talked for a bit afterwards but then she cut contact.

 

I'm doing better now but she still refuses to talk to me and I'm left wondering if I've thrown away the best chance of love I've ever had. It sucks, but life goes on.

[xRJ85x]

You and me both buddy. And I'd like to believe you didn't just lose the only person you'll ever love so I can believe that I didn't just lose the only person I'll ever love. Most people with a real understanding of relationships (better than you or I) will tell you that she's not the only person in the world for you.

 

No, she's definitely not the only person I'll ever love. I just worry that I might have lost the girl I would have loved the most of anyone. That's why I take every girl I'm interested in with the utmost concern. Because I want to be the happiest I can be in life, I worry that I might lose the girl that's best for me. That's why I made the mistake of asking her to remember and think of me when she was finally ready for a relationship; because I thought because of the bad timing, she wouldn't have seen what we really could have been. And now that she literally hates me for being difficult, I realized I should have just kept her as a friend and had her see me at my best when I was finally getting better, and maybe then she would have changed her mind.

 

Because, unless you'd like to seriously make an argument for ESP (which is fine but that's a whole other issue), you can't possibly fall in love with someone who you havn't known for very long. Love is a deep and complicated emotion and something that requires a lot of information to have. I personally wouldn't say that photography or cooking was a life-long love of mine until I'd spent a lot of time in that field and learned its in's and out's. Why would you do any different for the person you wish to spend your life with?

 

When I started dating my EX (we were together two and a half years); I felt numerous times that I could love her based on what I'd seen but it took me about four months (and I know that's fast) before I said the words "I love you." I'm not sure I even really knew what it meant then. I think it probably took another six months before I was even sure I really meant those words. If you believe that love is something more than just infacuation, then you have to realize it takes a while before you truly learn to love someone.

 

The heart is a great thing but it's also an easily corruptable thing. I've convinced myself countless times that my silly little crushes were "love" and that these people would be my soul mates if only we'd get a real shot at a relationship. Only as I've gotten older and been in a relationship where I sincerely loved someone that I realize that it's a crock.

 

The point is that you yourself have said you never gave it a real shot. Until you do, you really can't know that you love someone. It's that simple. It's so easy to build the "one that got away" up in your head. It doesn't mean you're dillusional or anything. It just means that you're a bit of a hopeless romantic (like a lot of us) and you're facing losing a dream.

 

Maybe this girl would have turned out to be the one for you. I'm not denying that. But you didn't get to find that out and, as much as it sucks, you're left with no choice but to move on. It's hard but I think the first step is awknowladging that perhaps she may not have been all you thought her to be.

 

I agree. Love is a very deep thing. And I fully agree that it was more that I saw I could love her, rather than I actually did love her. I also base it off the fact that hard to believe but I felt more strongly about her than I did about my last girlfriend of 3 years. She had a lot of the qualities I loved in my ex, but also had a lot of qualities I wanted to see in my ex when I was with her.

 

My overstep came early, because her actions didn't fit her thoughts. She acted like a girlfriend to me very quickly (the first weekend I went out there, she grabbed to hold my hand while we walked around, she latched onto me and told me things she liked about me). She even had my friend fooled, who told me about 2 months in that she wanted me bad and wanted to be my girlfriend. You know, she acted a lot like a girl would in a romance movie. But later, she told me that she didn't want to lead me on because she wasn't ready for a relationship. Her mind changed like day and night, and it drove me crazy (doesn't help when your already insane with other problems in life). So I opened up with my actions and apparently she got uncomfortable.

 

If it helps, I'm still reeling from a similar situation. I was in a long-distance relationship (we were together for a year and then she went off to Grad school) and I ended up being in a REALLY bad place in my life. I pushed her away and she said she wanted to break up. Three days later, she called me in the hopes of reconcileing and I, so full of self-doubt and loathing, told her that every bad thing about me she thought was true and that she was better off without me. We talked for a bit afterwards but then she cut contact.

 

I'm doing better now but she still refuses to talk to me and I'm left wondering if I've thrown away the best chance of love I've ever had. It sucks, but life goes on.

 

Yea, thanks for sharing that. It helps to know I'm not the only person with that mindset. That's exactly the reason I have such a hard time letting go with her, because there was something there at the beginning, but it just went downhill due to problems we had in life. So until I find someone who I feel stronger for (which I fear won't be for a very long time), I will always get down on wondering what could have been if things went better. It didn't help that my friends told me that if it was a year before, we probably would have been together. Now they tell me she's different and messed up in the head so she's not the one for me. So I'm torn between both since I saw that I could have loved her.

Edited March 29, 2008 by xRJ85x

[sedgwick]

I can absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, tell you that you WILL love again post-college. There's nobody I dated in college (15 years ago) that I would want to be with now, but I sure thought I was in love with a few of them at the time.