cho Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 A couple of recent threads seem to highlight to me how men make decisions to break up simply because they have lost that lovin' feeling -- for that moment, at least. They say they feel 'numb' or they 'don't have the heart to try anymore'. Somewhere down the road, they suddenly -- and I mean SUDDENLY -- start feeling again, and they scramble to get back into a relationship that they were willing to throw away just 24 hours ago. Will the good people on LS explain this phenomenon? As a woman, I can't understand this. My bf told his ex that she wasn't the one. They were once so in love. She finally gave up trying to reconcile A YEAR later (that is, after trying for approx. 365 days), and entered into another relationship. The minute he found out about it (approx. 365 days after saying he's done), an emotional shift occurred. He started really missing her and remembering all the things he really loved about her. As you can imagine, it was pretty weird for me (we had started dating by then). If I wasn't in the picture and she wasn't already in another relationship, they would probably have tried to get back together. In the first place, however, he needed another man to appear and for her to be totally unavailable before he remembered what she once meant to him. Recently, our relationship hit the rocks (I admit I neglected his needs but I didn't mean to). He broke up with me, and said he had lost that feeling. He is sure this is the end of road because The Feeling is gone. We are Not Compatible. It is OVER... and so on. Um, ok. That Feeling again, huh? When a man leaves a relationship, he is sometimes so sure the girl is not what he wants. And I believe a guy when he makes that statement -- he is definitely not feeling her. He doesn't want to be around her. He doesn't want to marry her. But how can a man be so sure he is done, and then do a U-turn later? Is he bluffing when he says he is done? Does he ever believe that The Feeling may return? If so, why doesn't he wait and see? Or maybe guys know instinctively (like women do) that The Feeling will not return unless he gets some time and space, which is why he feels the need to end the relationship? Does he need you to go away so badly that he is willing to lose you permanently? Does a man usually think he can get back into a relationship any time he wants? Does he break up because he is upset, and he needs to 'punish' her (because I understand that men keep score)? Any thoughts?
carhill Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I'll be curious to hear more about the "keeping score" part. I have no clue about that. I can identify with the "no feeling" part, like the feeling goes away (I don't mean infatuation). It's like making loving actions without any impetus for them. One just does them because that's what one has done in the past in the relationship and they're kinda nice. I've never ended a relationship on a whim, giving both of us plenty of time for reflection and growth, so when I do make a decision, it's final. I base relationships on the strength and honesty of our emotional bond, so, once that's gone, it's non-recoverable (for me). I'm sure you'll hear different from more typical guys
Author cho Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Thanks, carhill. I am like that, too. I do everything I can to make something work. Which is why when it's over for me, it really is. I wish he had talked things over with me. Told me how frustrated he was when certain things happened. He admitted now that he is a lousy communicator. We had been happy, but it took just a bad month for me to go from Irresistible to Incompatible in his books.
Author cho Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Do men end relationships the minute they lose touch with how they feel for their partners? Don't these feelings come and go at certain points in a relationship?
sedona Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 And I believe a guy when he makes that statement -- he is definitely not feeling her. Does he need you to go away so badly that he is willing to lose you permanently? Does a man usually think he can get back into a relationship any time he wants? I believed my guy when he told me he loved me and would never leave me. And now I believe him when he says that he really likes me, but doesn't know why his feelings changed. On some other thread, someone wrote that you have to forget all the wonderful things that were said in a relatinship. It's what was said last that counts. I asked him the same question -- whether he'd rather just drop me entirely instead of trying to give me some of what I needed to help me while he's so uncertain. He didn't answer anything. Not yes, not no. So that's a "yes".
Author cho Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 I agree. Feelings change. The recent threads of Sacksradio and Budgiesmuggler, however, got me wondering why some men end their relationships, so sure that an end was what they wanted, only to realise just as suddenly later on that The Feeling is back. I guess it's just not the way I am wired. And there are other posts I have come across on LS (and in real life) that indicate that this is not uncommon for men. For me, I expect my feelings to change. I don't expect to feel connected and in love all the time. But I don't worry too much because I know the feeling of being in love will come back. A lasting relationship is about so much more than that Feeling.
lovelorcet Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Well as a man I see it like this... You are the rebound chick, he realized that his ex had moved on and now he is also moving on. That means walking away from the rebound. Do not expect him to come back.
crystalapixy Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 i don't understand that phenemona (sp?) either. i was with my ex for nearly 4 years. he did not appreciate me and that is why i left. as soon as i started seeing someone else, he went nuts. he went out and bought a ring and proposed to me. i couldn't believe it! we were together all of that time and he never once mentioned marriage. this guy just might feel like he lost something special. who knows. then again, he might feel that way about you someday. i think if he couldn't communicate with you the way you wanted him to, then it isn't worth it. he should have made more of an effort with you.
Author cho Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Er... thanks. Actually we met 12 months after he broke up with his ex. In that year, he rejected all her attempts to reconcile. But, yes, I could still be a rebound. I knew he loved her. I can also make a guess at the problems that tore them apart. In many ways, he took her for granted and felt guilty. Which was why he tried to be that perfect guy for me. He didn't want to make the same mistake. Unfortunately, he felt I took him for granted because he was doing so much for me. He was right to feel unappreciated, but there was a lot going on in my life then. It's all in my other post.
lovelorcet Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Yes, so like you say he was still working out his issues from his other relationship with you... I guess that is kind of what I meant with the rebound.
Author cho Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 I know what you mean. Thanks for the insight. He found out his ex had moved on quite early in our relationship. He tried to be the man that he wasn't when he was with her because I suppose he wanted to make 'us' work. But, yup, it did feel a tad 'crowded' sometimes.
BudgieSmuggler Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Interesting question... In my case it was a simple fact that I was still guarding my heart - I had been hurt from my previous relationship which went on way longer than it should have, and the girl I met shortly after that I fell in love with - but I didn't want to let myself. I was mindful of the fact that I hadn't been single for ages, that I wasn't ready to just start again where I left off with a new girlfriend, and that because I was extremely mindful that I wanted to be certain of my feelings toward her- to make sure they were "real" and not redirected love (i.e. make sure she wasn't a rebound). My intentions were pure- I wanted to protect her from the possibility that my mixed up thoughts toward her were simple rebound feelings, and time and space allowed me to realise that I still felt the same way about her even when she wasn't around; even when I was around other girls. This justified to me that my feelings were true, and that I could actually commit myself to her without any doubts. Unfortunately, in my situation, by the time I'd sorted out my head, it was too late. In my opinion, more generally the situation stems from the fact that we blokes are less "in tune" with our emotions than women are. As such, I believe that we sometimes don't know what we feel (as was the case for me) and need a little distance to appreciate how much we like being close to that person.
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