Melvll Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I have Been with this wonderful guy for a year and half. He has never told me he loved me yet but I know he does with all the things he does for me. He is not much of a emotional guy and Im sure one day he will say it. I tell him once in a while when I really need to express myself to him. He knows I have certain needs and I have given him the talk "The I deserve to hear it, I need to hear it". There are certaine things I wish he would tell me.. like weather or not he wants kids later... I am only 22 he is 28 but I know that one day when the time is right I WILL FOR SURE want children. I feel that I dont want to spend time with someone that may not want the same things. Everytime I kindly try to talk and ask.. its always "I dont know" and sometimes he even gets upset and ask me why cant I just Let it go or live day by day. Am I beeing to pushy? Or is it too soon? I just want to look after myself and my needs.
AriaIncognito Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Personally, a year and a half with no serious talk of future (kids) and no "I love you" i'd be hitting the pavement.
btc8 Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 A year-and-a-half, you say? I don't think you're being pushy at all. I think my first b/f (we were together for three years) and I said the ILY about three months in. Why are you concerned if you're pushy? It's your life too--not just his. Part of a relationship is that both of the parties make sacrifices and acknowledge his or her faults or shortcomings and come to a mutual agreement. You are not the only one in this relationship. He needs to be a little more proactive. I would back off from him for a little bit and give him some space. He may see how bad it is or realize that he's hurt you.
AdrianaLima Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 No, you aren't being pushy at all. You just would like to know what path you see yourself and him going in the future. I understand exactly when you said you dont want to spend time with someone that may not want the same things,because who likes to waste their time thinking the grass is greener on the otherside, and that's not the case at all. And if you bring up this conversation again with your boyfriend, and he says why can't you just leave it alone, explain to him that you let it go enough already, and we need to discuss this.
Author Melvll Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 awww thanks.. Its so hard . I have to stop using excuses for him as well.
Starry-eyed Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Everytime I kindly try to talk and ask.. its always "I dont know" and sometimes he even gets upset and ask me why cant I just Let it go or live day by day. Am I beeing to pushy? Or is it too soon? I just want to look after myself and my needs. You're not being too pushy. A year and half should definitely be enough time to know whether you love someone or not and whether you want a future together. He sounds very comfortable with where things are now, like he is getting what he wants. His responses to you are a bit of a red flag to me, but that could just be me. How long are you willing to wait? How much of your life are you willing to gamble on him and this relationship? It can take a while to "love" someone, but IMO he is really pushing it!
Author Melvll Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 well, I figured maybe give him an other year at the most. I am his first gf.. Hes got no one to compare me too at all. Its a hard situation.. I dont know but I think I was his first for sex as well. A while ago I suggested taking a break .. to see if he would be intrested in dating other women to be able to compare a bit. But hes answer was if he didnt want to be with me then he would not be here. His eyes were red I think he wasl almost crying.. so I know he meant it. I have notice in the past his mother saying "I love you" He never said back to her.. this is an issue that he has. Its not because he does not love me. I have told him thats I will not accept it nor will not settle for any less.
Walk Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I don't mean to be insentitive, but you don't know much about this guy and you've been dating for a year and a half. He won't tell you whether kids are even an option in his future. He won't tell you he loves you. You don't know if your the first girl he's ever had sex with or not. It doesn't sound as if you two have even broached the idea of views on marriage. What do you know about this guy and what he see's as his future? Please don't wait another year to see if he'll want to discuss life issues with you. He doesn't seem capable of communicating well, and there's NOTHING changing that would cause him to be a better communicator in the future. Why do you believe it will change? What actions is he taking that would allow him to be better at expressing himself? Is he seeking counseling? Is he working on the problem on his own through research and reading? What I suspect is he's not going to change in how he communicates with you. You'll keep making excuses and convincing yourself things will change if you give it more time. After a while, you'll blow with all the unanswered questions, and he'll react in the same way he's always reacted his entire life. So what is going to magically change after another year of dating this man? What makes you believe that this guy, after being a certain way for 28 years, will become who you need him to be? Be honest with yourself, if you didn't need him to communicate better with you then this wouldn't bother you and you wouldn't be posting on here. You need to determine what YOU need in your life, and work to make that happen. Or you're going to end up wasting your life.
Silly Sarah Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 whoa whoa, hold on I have Been with this wonderful guy for a year and half. He has never told me he loved me yet but I know he does with all the things he does for me. You start off your complaint with the fact that he is a wonderful guy and he shows his love for you by all the things he does. You are a lucky girl. I wouldn't really be wrapped up in three little words, I've been told those words before and they mean almost nothing as far as I'm concerned I mean its nice to hear but not a big deal. as far as kids, what are you thinkin girl, you have lots of time to have babies, I think alot of guys grow into the idea after being with someone for a while, just because he is not sure does not mean it is out of the question.
Habibti Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Some people never want to marry. They just don't. Some people want to marry and be swingers. They just do. Some people want a loving relationship that leads to love,marriage, and the baby carriage. Not everyone wants the same things out of life. I don't think the concern here is that he is or isn't an emotional/open guy. It's the fact that you two want different things out of life and that is already becoming a clash for you two and will continue to do so. My boyfriend and I are lovey dovey and we both know it isn't just cute or empty words. I love hearing "I love you", the girl prior to me said she doesn't care if she ever hears it. Which is fine if that's what works for her. I think you two aren't compatible. That's what the problem is always going to boil down to at the end of the day between the two of you.
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 have notice in the past his mother saying "I love you" He never said back to her.. this is an issue that he has. Its not because he does not love me. I have told him thats I will not accept it nor will not settle for any less. He likely has an emotional block. The words tie him up emotionally and he can't choke them out. Ask me how I know If he is otherwise a good man and has some issues with intimacy, and you really want to develop a meaningful LTR with him, ask him if he'd consider couples counseling. There he can learn tools to better communicate his love to you and perhaps have your perspective put into language that makes sense to him. MC has taught me how critically important compatibility perspective is; I thought my wife and I were compatible and we seemed to be, on many levels, but some real basic ones are disparate, especially in the handling and communication of emotion. Your situation sounds somewhat similar, except with the genders reversed. Trust me, it's a tough row to hoe, so think long and hard if you all start talking marriage. In his current state, I seriously doubt he'll get that far. Happy to be wrong
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