Starry-eyed Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year, and I don't know if I love him, or am in love with him. Lust, definitely yes. Love? I'm not sure. Sometimes I think so, other times I am not sure. I don't know what love means anymore. I thought I knew, but I ended up divorcing my then-H because I fell out of love with him, or else discovered that I just didn't have the love for him that I wanted to have with a man (sexual attraction and romantic love). So, how do you know if you love someone? What is love? What does it mean to be in love? Does it mean you accept the other person unconditionally? That you accept his/her faults? That you don't try to change him (or her, etc.)? That his happiness or well-being comes before your own? Other? Does "true love" mean no sexual attraction, no lust anymore? I know these things can be different for everyone, but any advice/experiences are welcome.
btc8 Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Very difficult to say. I think an unconditional love is more appropriate for a parent and a child (more so with the unconditional portion of the love being filled by the parent for the child than vice-versa), but I think that love between two different people is a step before that. That is, you love them despite their faults whereas a parent doesn't see fault. As far as lusting goes, you can be perfectly in love with someone else and still be aroused by them sexually (physically and emotionally). I think lust is a bad term here, as lusting itself denotes a need to satisfy gratuitously. I don't think any of us on here can answer for you when it is that you know you love someone. Only you can do that. When it happens, you'll know.
Legend Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 What is love love love .... baby don't hurt me .... don't hurt me... no more....
Ariadne Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 So, how do you know if you love someone? Everyone thinks they know, it's personal. What is love? A deep communion. What does it mean to be in love? To be in love is like being cold or angry, an emotion. Does it mean you accept the other person unconditionally? There's no need to accept because that person is already perfect. That you accept his/her faults? There aren't any. That you don't try to change him (or her, etc.)? That just means you are with the illusion of love. That his happiness or well-being comes before your own? There is no separation, you both are one. Does "true love" mean no sexual attraction, no lust anymore? No. But there is fulfillment just being together doing nothing, too.
Author Starry-eyed Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 bct, interesting point about unconditional love being between parent and child, and actually the parent for the child. That strikes a chord with me. I know my mother loves me unconditioally. Are our parents the only ones who do, or should? And does that mean that there can be restrictions on the love we have for a romantic partner? I understand the "when you're in love, you'll know," but I don't know if it's true. I'm just having a hard time telling the difference between lust and emotion and "love", but then as I said, I am unsure right now what it means to be in love. Ariadne, are you being serious? I can't tell. You think that the person you're in love with has no faults? That you are "one," with no separation? Does that mean you don't have your own self-identity? Does that you mean you depend on that person emotionally, or even socially?
Ariadne Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Ariadne, are you being serious? I can't tell. You think that the person you're in love with has no faults? That you are "one," with no separation? Does that mean you don't have your own self-identity? Does that you mean you depend on that person emotionally, or even socially? Yes, I'm serious. But then, I have high standards for love. That's why I'm alone. I wouldn't see any faults in someone I love, I'd see him as God. And one, because I'd consider he and I as the same thing, not separate. No dependency though, but complete freedom.
nicki Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I understand what Ariadne is saying. Love is a true paradox. You love someone else as you love yourself. There is no separation, but total inclusion of two separate beings. There is freedom, but you are bound to each other. Between equals, you both put each other's interests above your own, so both people are equally taken care of and protected...hence self-interests are preserved, but by each other. For me, if I have to ask if I love someone, I generally don't loooove them yet, but maybe really care for them. I know I love someone if it wouldn't matter if they became disabled in an accident. I'd just be so happy that they were alive and that I could be with them. You really do love their soul, no matter what happens to the body. Love means you feel an incredible pull towards someone, and want to be with them, no matter what may come. You love him if you'd rather live in a tent with him than a mansion with anyone else...that kind of thing....When that person walks into the room, you feel a smile in the air. When you see his/her face, you recognize truth and beauty, and all suddenly seems right in the world. You feel hopeful, powerful and like you can do anything with this person. Yes, there is a comfortable kind of love that comes with time, but underneath lies a spark of attraction that can always be fanned into a bonfire. Ah, sorry if I'm being so romantic here.... but I believe it to be true.
Saxis Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 "Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more." I have an uncontrollable urge to bob my head sideways... Luv is pashient n kind, luv haz no jelusniss or showin offz, luv no is stuck-up or r00dz. Luv no insistzes on doin it rite, itz not pisst off alla tiem or rezentflufflele. Luv izzn all happiez about doin it wrong, but is happiez about teh truthz. Luv putz up wiht all teh stuffz, beelivez all teh stuffz, hoepz for all teh stuffz. Luv putz up wiht all teh stuffz... i sed that areddy? Sorry for the parody. I use humor to cover up emotion. I'm not religious in the least, but the X and I had this read at our wedding (not the "Cat" version ). Too bad we couldn't follow it... I'm in the same boat as you. When I thought I knew, the divorce came along and filled me with doubt.
btc8 Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 bct, interesting point about unconditional love being between parent and child, and actually the parent for the child. That strikes a chord with me. I know my mother loves me unconditionally. Are our parents the only ones who do, or should? And does that mean that there can be restrictions on the love we have for a romantic partner? I am not a parent, but I personally think that only a parent can have an unconditional love for his/her child(ren). It's a step down from unconditional in terms of relationship partners. Take for instance this example: A mother will undoubtedly love unconditionally her child and want nothing but happiness for her child regardless of if the child treats his mother. The mother will sacrifice her own happiness even at the expense of her own. The significant other, however, goes out on a limb and says he loves his partner only to land on deaf ears: the partner pretends she doesn't hear her partner say, 'I love you,' or quickly busies herself with something else to try to deflect the sentiment. All the while the one who went out on a limb feels devastated, constantly at grips with rationalization and questioning: "I said I loved her, but she said nothing back. I don't get it: Doesn't she care about me too?" Here we have an obvious conflict: with a significant other, we are mad or hurt that our love isn't immediately reciprocated verbally, and we can regret saying it. The parent, however, doesn't care if the child loves him or her back, as he or she unconditionally loves his or her child.
Melvll Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 VERY Intresting points everyone. I completely agree with Nicki. I am kinda going through the same thing with my boyfriend of 16 months. Hes never had a seriouse relationship or any relationship I should say. Hes got nothing to compare me too.. its very difficult for him to.. and hes never said it once.. Everyone time express my love for him .. I always get the "I dont know what love is" Starred-eyes does he tell you he loves you???
Melvll Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 ERY Intresting points everyone. I completely agree with Nicki. I am kinda going through the same thing with my boyfriend of 16 months. Hes never had a seriouse relationship or any relationship I should say. Hes got nothing to compare me too.. its very difficult for him to.. and hes never said it once.. Everyone time express my love for him .. I always get the "I dont know what love is" Starred-eyed does he tell you he loves you??? Do you Reply? Its horrible to not know what your partner if feeling!
Author Starry-eyed Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 Yes, I'm serious. But then, I have high standards for love. That's why I'm alone. I wouldn't see any faults in someone I love, I'd see him as God. And one, because I'd consider he and I as the same thing, not separate. No dependency though, but complete freedom. You'd see your love® as God? Funnily, one time when the bf and I were, um, being intimate, I looked up at him from where I was (on my knees) and I thought to myself, "He's a god, a golden god." I have to work at not putting and keeping him on a pedestal. Anyhoo, I think it might be unhealthy to not see any faults, at least for me. It's also hard for me to separate oneness and independence, but those are issues I'm working on. Have you ever met anyone that you felt this way for, Ariadne? Ah, sorry if I'm being so romantic here.... but I believe it to be true. Romance is lovely. It's just weird, and Saxis, maybe you can relate. I thought I had most of those things that you said, but I found out I really didn't. Or if I did, they changed. So now I don't know if those things you've described are reliable indicators of "love." I feel an incredible pull to my bf, and I'd rather live in a tent with him than in a mansion with anyone else (except Christian Bale), but...do I love his soul? Would I want to be with him if he were disabled or developed some addiction or something? "Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more." I have an uncontrollable urge to bob my head sideways... :p Ok, now I have that Steve Winwood sound-alike in my head! And all I can think of is A Night at the Roxbury!
Author Starry-eyed Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 I am not a parent, but I personally think that only a parent can have an unconditional love for his/her child(ren). It's a step down from unconditional in terms of relationship partners. Take for instance this example: A mother will undoubtedly love unconditionally her child and want nothing but happiness for her child regardless of if the child treats his mother. The mother will sacrifice her own happiness even at the expense of her own. .... Here we have an obvious conflict: with a significant other, we are mad or hurt that our love isn't immediately reciprocated verbally, and we can regret saying it. The parent, however, doesn't care if the child loves him or her back, as he or she unconditionally loves his or her child. btc, thank you, that point, that distinction that you've stated really brought into focus something that had run almost unconsciously through my mind a few times the past year. Wondering about unconditional love and whether it's truly appropriate for a romantic relationship. And the thing about the child not "having" to love unconditionally back. It relates to some ideas I learned at a seminar about dependence and independence. I'm probably not making sense, but, it's just such an interesting concept to me. And here's something else that makes me feel unsure about being in love: I get really mad at him sometimes. Can you be in love with someone you get really mad at? Like thinking in your mind, "I hate you, *******, I'm never traveling with you again!" or whatever, but after a while you're not mad anymore of course, and things are all good. I never used to get mad like that at my x-H. So does being in love include sometimes getting totally angry? Hurt? Or does that signal that you're not in love, or not accepting, or not compatible or something? I REALLY appreciate everyone's replies and thoughts!!
Melvll Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 OF COURES you can be in and love very angry! Love is all about making it work.. through rough and bad times.. to learn how to cope with eachother.. Love is not an easy thing.. it takes work, time and devotion. Love is not perfect either.. just like anything eles on this earth.
Melvll Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 OF COURES you can be very angry when your in love! Love takes ALOT of time , effort and devotion and thats what its all about. Coping with eachother, making things work. Love is not perfect, just like everything eles in the world.
Ariadne Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Have you ever met anyone that you felt this way for, Ariadne? Well, yes, I found true love once. And I learned that even if you do find true love, it doesn't mean that you are going to end up together.
The Studmuffin Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 i have also been wondering very much what love is. i am now with a girl and she's the first one i told 'i love you'. before i said it, i asked myself the question as well: do i love her? how do i know? to me love was something that develops over a long time, a bond that takes a long time to forge. but then i sort of changed my definition of love... it's such an amazingly grand concept anyway. it doesn't just mean one thing. yeah so i found that i had very strong feelings for this person and felt a longing to know her profoundly and share myself with her. and i told her i loved her. and i never regretted it. love to me felt like a being... like a little unit of life that was created between us. i think when two people start sharing themselves with each other and give of themselves, a life is sparked. it's like you can feel that there is somethingbetween you ... something very hard to describe, but something that's alive. and that something needs a lot of attention and nurturing to thrive. and that's sort of what didn't happen in my case. last month has been incredibly rough because i have seen my girl very little at a time in our relationship when i wanted to spend all my time with her. she's very very busy with her studies and she told me that she wanted to spend a lot of time with me too, but that she just had to focus on her studies. i tried to give her time and be patient... but it has just really not been working out for me. i feel like too much strain and pressure has been put on my love for her... and now the feelings have sort of gone anyway. So, even if you might read poems and deep words about love that say that love is unconditional and that love is sufficient unto love, in reality it's just not true. love needs A LOT. it's everything but unconditional.
Melvll Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 AWWWW Stydmuffin! Im so sorry. I hope things work out for you and her in the end. WHO Knows maybe you will find someone that wants to put the same effort you do. Sometimes I feel like I bend myself for him more then he does, But like you said it is ALOT of work and needs alot of time and effort for the great feeling of love to happen between both parties, because love does not just "happen".
Author Starry-eyed Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 Melvll, You had asked if by bf ever told me he loved me. Well, a week ago we had a phone conversation about love. Then, this past weekend, so just three of four days ago, he told me that he thinks he is falling in love with me, too. He said he thought it would be "reassuring" if, at the end of our phone calls, we could say, "Love you," and "Love you, too." I think he thought it would be reassuring to me. But, there's no "I" in that statement, so of course it leaves me wanting! Oh women are so hard to please. Anyhow, last night on the phone, at the end, he said, "Love you." It made my heart skip but I didn't say anything. I was shocked and speechless. I didn't say it back, I just couldn't. For one thing, there was no "I" in the statement and for some reason, at the point in an R where two people are just beginning to love each other the "I" seems important to me, plus, I really don't want to say it the first time over the phone, and then, of course, I don't know if I love him! So, that was a long story. do i love her? how do i know? to me love was something that develops over a long time, a bond that takes a long time to forge. but then i sort of changed my definition of love... it's such an amazingly grand concept anyway. it doesn't just mean one thing. yeah so i found that i had very strong feelings for this person and felt a longing to know her profoundly and share myself with her. and i told her i loved her. and i never regretted it. love to me felt like a being... like a little unit of life that was created between us. i think when two people start sharing themselves with each other and give of themselves, a life is sparked. it's like you can feel that there is somethingbetween you ... something very hard to describe, but something that's alive. and that something needs a lot of attention and nurturing to thrive. and that's sort of what didn't happen in my case. last month has been incredibly rough because i have seen my girl very little at a time in our relationship when i wanted to spend all my time with her. she's very very busy with her studies and she told me that she wanted to spend a lot of time with me too, but that she just had to focus on her studies. i tried to give her time and be patient... but it has just really not been working out for me. i feel like too much strain and pressure has been put on my love for her... and now the feelings have sort of gone anyway. So, even if you might read poems and deep words about love that say that love is unconditional and that love is sufficient unto love, in reality it's just not true. love needs A LOT. it's everything but unconditional. Studmuffin, I'm sorry that you aren't seeing your gf right now. Good for her for taking her studies seriously, but it's hard when you want to spend time with her and be her main focus. Have your feelings really gone away? The grand concept has died? How long had you dated before saying you loved her? Love being a being or unit between two people, now that is poetry. I don't know if I feel that way, but those are romantic deep words!
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