The Anger Has Returned

[Crestfallen_KH]

My ex-husband fell for another woman and very quickly decided he wanted to be with her back in August, 2007. He lied and betrayed me, moved in with her right after we separated, and took her to meet his mother and moved on right away with her. They are still living together and he is in love with her.

 

The divorce was final in December. I've been in new relationship for almost three months. The relationship has had some issues, but we've both been patient with one another as we are both recovering from having been cheated on. For the most part, it's good but it's still hard for me to fully open my heart to him and he understands that and I know it's realistic for me to feel that way right now.

 

I got into (and still go once a week) therapy, exercise more, take care of myself better and have made a lot of progress in the last 7 months. My ex and I largely have NC, and I was feeling good about my progress. I've gone through hurt, anger, depression, dark moods and been suicidal. I'm now largely happy, loving my new life, enjoying my new relationship, hanging out with new friends and am back on track at work. For the most part, everything is great.

 

But a couple of weeks ago, the anger returned.

 

I'm once again back to hoping they break up, hoping she leaves him, wanting him to suffer some malady, understand that he left a good woman for really crappy and weak reasons and wanting to shake him, over and over. The anger returned and hasn't left.

 

I know it's unrealistic to think that I can be "healed" from this in 7 months. I even know this might be expected and easily understood. But I want to be done with the anger. I don't want to be the "bitter divorcee" who can't accept the reality of things as they are and who hasn't moved on. I want to get to indifferent, and I thought I was almost there, which is why it just feels like such a setback that the anger has returned.

 

I've read that the anger can return, even 10 years from now. That's scary to me. How can I live with this anger inside of me and not have it eat away at me? How can I manage it? Or, better yet, how can I make it go away without stuffing it?

Edited March 25, 2008 by Crestfallen_KH
Typo

[Ronni_W]

I'm guessing your therapist has already asked: Are you aware yet of what happened a couple of weeks ago, to trigger your angry feelings?

 

Maybe it's not anger that's inside of you, just an unresolved anger trigger? So most likely, once you get a hold of that, you can neutralize its impact and not be bothered by it again.

 

Honestly, from your post, it really doesn't sound like there are any grounds for your fears of ending up a "bitter divorcee" .

[Crestfallen_KH]

That's a good question - there was a trigger.

 

I called my ex because my iPod broke and he had all the music. I called him to ask if he could burn some DVDs of the music we had on the home theater PC and he agreed to do that. It would have been impossible and unbelievably expensive to get that music any other way. During the conversation, it became obvious that he had just recently moved.

 

When I got the package of DVDs, there was a new address on the package. I had started thinking he moved out of their house because they broke up.

 

Well, in the package there was a note saying "we had to move because of xyz."

 

So I knew they were still together. I guess I must have really thought (hoped?) they had broken up - that they were going to be one of the 50% of affair casualties who break up within 6 mos - 1 year of getting together.

 

I really had felt I wouldn't care if they did break up or not. Even if they had, I wasn't taking him back, even if he wanted to come back.

 

But yes, it was a trigger. I guess I set myself up. We had a testy exchange afterwards, but are once again civil.

 

So yes, it's no surprise the anger is back I guess. I'm just surprised at the intensity of it at this point in my recovery. I guess I just need more time?