tomwiz Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 hey there Just for a little backstory, I dated this girl lets call her M for approximately 18 months. For the most part, we had a great relationship. She was deeply upset about my smoking and more than that, my lieing about my smoking. This was probably the main sticking point of our relationship. She had been going threw some rough times, mom lost job dad diagnosed with cancer and grandmother died for about the last 6 months of our relationship. I could feel the rift developing and we finally ended things in September of this past year. I did the pathetic we can work things out groveling for about a week and we clearly did not rekindle if you will. Well at the begining of december , Deciding to get myself out of this depressed funk, I went out with my friends and met a gal. Lets call her K. Contact with the ex M was limited to no existant, an occasional text from either one of us or IM. Anyway, things with K had been going well, it was clear to me that she was a great girl but probably not someone I could be with long term. Well the day before valentines day I get a text from M informing me that just so i didnt hear it from another source, she had been speaking with another guy. I informed her of the same thing. Approximately 4 days after that I get a call from M stating that she really missed me and really had some thinking to do and going out with another guy showed her that. She broke things off with this guy. Feeling conflicted and like I could not really devote anything to K, I broke things off with her. I'm now smoke-free and have been hanging out with M ( the ex) a couple of times a week. We are flirty but have yet to really cross that line, so last night while dropping her off I gave her a kiss...she allowed it however I got the impression that she felt it was a bit soon. So help! how do i play this? PS-not sure if it makes much sense but we went to undergrad together and are both now 23 year old grad students living at home about 50 minutes away.
Belkin Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Hey that's great! I can't really give you any advice here, I've never had a second chance so far (sorry!) But from what you say it seems to be working out fine. I mean, you split up due to your smoking problems, and that is no longer an issue. She told you she wants you two to be together again. Now that you've kissed her once, maybe wait for her to initiate the next step, that way she won't feel pressured and can take things at her own rhythm. Or maybe just talk to her sincerely, asking her how she wants to take things? I don't know really, sorry
0hpenelope Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Proceed with caution, tomwiz. I remember a Zen quote that goes something along the lines of hope being a distraction; without hope, there is no expectation. When I was ready to seriously think on this, I found that there is only clarity of what I need to do - and not what I should do. Other LS users would probably like to debate this, but I didn't post that to you to be debated. Think of it as a piece of beef jerky that you can thoughtfully chew upon if you'd like. :-P Good luck ok? As a kindred spirit to anyone's broken heart, I really do wish the good that you want to come out of this situation of yours.
Uchiha Sasuke Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I'm guessing she broke up with YOU? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1589459#post1589459 You'll never get back what you had if she broke up with you. It'll be different, but it won't be the same. You should still see K and tell M that you're still dating around. Qualify HER! You're giving HER a second chance, not the other way around.
jmargel Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Tom.. she has gone through alot and still is, especially with her dad. I think your focus needs to be in helping her through this situation with her dad. My brother had cancer and honestly the last thing I would be thinking would be my relationship with my SO, if I was in this position. Try communicating with her, instead of wondering if it's too soon to get to second base. That just shows you are being an ass. Offer to take her to see her dad, do what you can to help her out. Everything else will follow. Her being upset about your smoking could be related to her dad and it probably was too much for her to handle at the time. Try to get her to open up more, when she does talk use the words 'I understand' it will allow her to put down her defenses and talk to you more. I think you need to be more concerned about the emotional issues of this relationship then the physical. Don't confuse those two right now. You have alot to deal with, with her. At some point she is going to need counseling for all of this. You will at times be her emotional punching bag. Expect it to happen. That doesn't happen because she is a bad person, it happens because you are the closest person to her. When you feel that happening, let her know in a calm way. I don't think you realize how serious the issues she had to encounter with her family has affected her. It's alot that she is trying to handle right now.
Uchiha Sasuke Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 No no no. Are you still romantically interested in her? I wouldn't suggest using her tragedy to get back into her pants. I would suggest cutting contact period. It's not like she doesn't have anyone else to help her through her grieving process. Really...REALLY ask yourself: "Am I helping her as a friend? Or am I helping her because I want to TRY to get BACK into a relationship with her? Are you acting out of ego and feeding on a calf who's had it's leg broken? Or do you really care and want to be her friend? Because I'll tell you, you go through this process with her, she thanks you but then doesn't want to be with you; You'll be thoroughly pissed and insulted. Do what's in YOUR best interest for your own mental health. NOT HER'S. She left YOU. That should tell you how much she wants to be with you. WAKE UP!!
jmargel Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Uchiha Sasuke, I agree with part of your post that you can't use this to get into her pants. I don't think that is his intention though. What I was trying to point out is that she has alot of emotional problems right now and it is upto him whether he wants to go through this with her. If he loves her enough, he will. There are no guarantees in life, and she might not end up with him, however she also might. What I can guarantee though is that if he is not there for her now, then there is almost a certainty that those two will never end up together with each other. I also think that she is not in the mindset to 'use' him. IMO she was under alot of stress, made a mistake and paid for it quite a bit. We have to assume she has learned from her mistake which is the most important part. However I believe he needs to know the reason why she did this. If they can deal with the reason why it happened and move onto better things with each other, then all the best. In two of my relationships, my ex-fiancee cheated and things ended. The second relationship, my wife betrayed me, however we have gotten past that and have moved onto better things with each other. Every person is different and so is every situation.
Uchiha Sasuke Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Yessir, your significant others might have screwed you over. What did you do? You left! Great! Best thing you could have done for yourself and I'm glad you did. He will without a doubt be putting stress on HIMSELF by being there for her. No matter what she's going through he's going to want more. He might get it in his head to be sneaky sneaky about the situation. He feels that she's vulnerable right now and he can take advantage of it. Not in a bastard sort of way of course. It's not like he just WANTS to use her. He cares, no doubt. On the other hand he might think that he could take advantage of the situation. The relationship is a lost cause. If he wants to be there for her as a friend and nothing else, and can handle that...then I'm all for it. He should not be trying to get back with her. She, if ANYTHING should be realizing that she made a mistake and should get back with HIM! Her reasons for breaking up with him aren't as important as her actions. She could give him any reason in the world. It still won't matter. Something turned her off and she'll never look at him the same way again. You just don't REPAIR attraction. Yes? Uchiha Sasuke, I agree with part of your post that you can't use this to get into her pants. I don't think that is his intention though. What I was trying to point out is that she has alot of emotional problems right now and it is upto him whether he wants to go through this with her. If he loves her enough, he will. There are no guarantees in life, and she might not end up with him, however she also might. What I can guarantee though is that if he is not there for her now, then there is almost a certainty that those two will never end up together with each other. I also think that she is not in the mindset to 'use' him. IMO she was under alot of stress, made a mistake and paid for it quite a bit. We have to assume she has learned from her mistake which is the most important part. However I believe he needs to know the reason why she did this. If they can deal with the reason why it happened and move onto better things with each other, then all the best. In two of my relationships, my ex-fiancee cheated and things ended. The second relationship, my wife betrayed me, however we have gotten past that and have moved onto better things with each other. Every person is different and so is every situation.
daphne Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Tom, I'm inclined to agree with jmargel's mature approach to the situation. I don't know much about why your ex broke up with you, or if you're making excuses for her at this point, so that might affect things. However, if you don't feel that she has taken you for granted or exploited you in the past, I think jm's on point that you should be her friend right now, with no expectations. It's a good sign that she broke up with a new guy because she can't get you out of her mind. Don't be in a rush. She knows she's vulnerable and she will be watching you. I called up an ex after a bad breakup with the last ex and I really thought he was coming through for me. In hindsight, I believe he got impatient and wanted to know where things stood so he could give up seeing a girl he had just begun seeing (that he didn't bother to tell me about). But I just needed some hand holding and patience and understanding. I also needed to see who he was, and how he would deal with the situation that wouldn't have happened if he had acted right before we broke up the first time. Ultimately, he totally blew it and there is no going back. Before he showed his ass, I was pretty blown away at how caring and protective he was of me. I started to overlook some of the things I disliked in him. But what's done is done. This could be the only chance you get. Make teh most of it. Don't exploit her vulnerability for your own ego stroking. Don't expect much. And don't allow yourself to be exploited. Just go with the flow and be patient.
jmargel Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I totally agree with you, daphne Uchiha Sasuke, it's not about attraction. That's not why she left him, you don't know the real reason. Only she knows and it's something he should eventually find out. Sounds like you are jaded possibily from a previous experience? Her reasons for breaking up with him aren't as important as her actions. There is no excuse for cheating, however I believe people can correct themselves and I do not believe in 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'. People grow, mature and learn from their past. If you learn from your past, you don't repeat it.
Uchiha Sasuke Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 (edited) I want to know what woman lived happily ever after with a man she lost interest in? It IS about attraction. She wouldn't risk losing the guy if she thought she had something good. No woman who is head over heels for a man does that. Why take a chance unless she thought the grass was greener somewhere else? As stated before, she doesn't need him during this grieving process. She has family, friends and maybe another guy for that. What he's doing as an ex is involuntarily associating himself with the the bad times in her life. He's not an escape for her. He's an ex who wants to get back together. jmargel, maybe you're right about the once a cheater belief. People need to grow. They don't need each other to do that. It's better for him to see how great life is without HER! Read most of the stories on this forum where guys get dumped and want a second chance.. Ask yourself how many second chances even happen for guys? And if they do, how long do they last? Jaded is not the word to describe me. "In touch with reality" is a phrase I like to describe myself as. He needs to give HIMSELF a second chance and not worry about her. He's not strong enough to take care of himself AND her. He didn't even give K a chance to see if she was LTR material! Edited March 26, 2008 by Uchiha Sasuke
mr_elor Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Dude, if it wasn't meant to be, then move on. Stop thinking about "oh but maybe she'll take me back" NO! Your life is about you! She'll manage just fine with or without you, and likewise you can manage just fine without her
BladeSteel Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I want to know what woman lived happily ever after with a man she lost interest in? It IS about attraction. She wouldn't risk losing the guy if she thought she had something good. No woman who is head over heels for a man does that. Why take a chance unless she thought the grass was greener somewhere else? Women do not control attraction, and once lost, it can be very difficult to get back. It's best to cut losses and move on. No contact. She will always be looking for greener grass somewhere else.
Quiksilver ca Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Let's look at this from a realistic perspective... IF she takes you back, it will never be what it was... NEVER. It won't be the same, and you won't get that same feeling back when you're around her. Metaphor: You're walking down the sidewalk with a double scooped ice cream cone in your hands. Perfection. Suddenly you stumble, and drop the cone. You pick it up and consider continuing to eat it, since nobody saw you. You look closer and see dirt, hairs, and little black spots all over the creamy vanilla... -- Sure, you might be able to get her back, but she will never taste the same.
jmargel Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I want to know what woman lived happily ever after with a man she lost interest in? It IS about attraction. She wouldn't risk losing the guy if she thought she had something good. No woman who is head over heels for a man does that. Why take a chance unless she thought the grass was greener somewhere else? As stated before, she doesn't need him during this grieving process. She has family, friends and maybe another guy for that. What he's doing as an ex is involuntarily associating himself with the the bad times in her life. He's not an escape for her. He's an ex who wants to get back together. jmargel, maybe you're right about the once a cheater belief. People need to grow. They don't need each other to do that. It's better for him to see how great life is without HER! Read most of the stories on this forum where guys get dumped and want a second chance.. Ask yourself how many second chances even happen for guys? And if they do, how long do they last? Jaded is not the word to describe me. "In touch with reality" is a phrase I like to describe myself as. He needs to give HIMSELF a second chance and not worry about her. He's not strong enough to take care of himself AND her. He didn't even give K a chance to see if she was LTR material! She broke off things with the other guy, after realizing what she did. And it is not about attraction. A relationship consists more than just the physical aspects. When my ex-fiancee left I knew what the reason was. It was a mix of her depression, her mom's abuse to her and her dad trying to commit suicide. I became her emotional punching bag. It wasn't because she wasn't attracted to me anymore. When she left she didn't give much of a reason, but 3 years later when she just wanted to talk she told me the real reasons and apologized for her behavior towards me. I could easily say this chick is immature, but it sounds like the realities of life put her into a tail-spin. She's been through alot of stress and although it's no excuse for what she did, these types of situations can play a major role in why a person does certain things. I also believe the OP has not owned up to his end of things. Certainly he was not perfect in this relationship and he needs to let us know what he has done wrong or things he could of changed about how he treated her, etc.. Ask yourself how many second chances even happen for guys? And if they do, how long do they last? I've been posting on here for about five years, and helped quite a few. I distinctly remember one guy on here where his wife left him for another guy and all seemed lost. In the end she woke up and realized what she had with her husband. Last I heard things were going great between them now. Not every story ends with failure. No one on here can really tell him what to do, that is his decision. However to just say 'dump the bitch and move on' is really not an answer. Will he be in for alot emotionally with this girl? Yes, however if she get the counseling she needs, she can get through this.
Author tomwiz Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 (edited) Thanks to all of the responses and will take them under advisement. To answer a few questions/comments from people. I actually ended it with her however it was sort of mutual, it wasn't really a break up in a traditional sense more of a we both need time along b/c we were fighting and both dealing with alot of heavy stuff. In the time apart, I did find myself again...I have done well in school, reconnected with old friends and made some new ones as well. I doubt the attraction thing is really an issue because I'm in the best shape of my life now and feeling pretty damn good about where I'm headed. I acknowledge that I was not ever the greatest bf in the world, however in the recent months I've made some profound changes, not just changes that I thought would appease her however changes that I felt where necessary for a better me. And I am not "taking advantage of a vulnerable girl" either. She always knows if she seriously needs something, I'll help her out...however thats not an open invitation to kick me around either. Things in her life have calmed down recently too, her dad is remission and mother has some promising job prospects. things are looking up for her. At this point, we both know if we wanted we have other options. At this point its about moving slow and seeing if the "fire" so to speak can be rekindled. We've talked about it and with a bit of work we know it can. just as long as honesty is the only policy. Ironically enough, she's getting her masters in school counseling so she's been using the resources at her disposal at school to get some help. She's been alot more open about things than she ever was before. Neither of us is perfect however i think we're workin on it. What I would place on my self as far as blame goes is sometimes being impatient with her and not speaking with her about stuff that bothered me...just let it build up figuring that she had more to worry about. We have a mutual very good friend who I guess M has been looking to for advice nad insight on me. From what I understand from the friend, she just wants to take things slow and make sure that we communicate well to understand that both of us have a great many things goign on and neither of us can be the top priority all of the time. All in all, I'd be glad to be back with her. However to quote dr. Kelso from scrubs. "nothing in life worth having is easy" And I did sort of gloss over the whole K situation. I had been dating her for about 2 months and "it" was simply not there. She did not have a father figure so her way of dealing with men was kind of sexual and strange. She lacked guy friends and seemed to only connect with them on a sexual level...it just wasn't for me. Edited March 27, 2008 by tomwiz
jmargel Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 If you two both keep an open line of communication and have a set goal of what you want to accomplish and how to do this then I would believe you two are on the right track and think that you two can make it work..
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