Jealous of the past and can't move on

[Elidy]

Hi. I'm new here. I just got married this past January to the love of my life. The problem is I've always had trouble in my serious relationships and it's rearing it's ugly head again and I'm afraid I'm going to self destruct my marriage for no reason.

 

Some background: This is my first marriage and I have no children as of yet, though I am expecting my first this October! My husband was married once before and has one son. I tried to not delve too much into his past and remain as oblivious to it all as possible, because I know I tend to get very jealous of exes just because they got there before me. I know it's stupid and makes no sense. But my husband volunteered some information to me such as the fact that he never loved her and only married her because she was pregnant and he felt obligated to give the child a real family. According to him there were no rings or proposals or fancy weddings and they spent their brief marriage in seperate bedrooms. Then when the child was two she hit him and he took his son and left for good. He now has sole custody of the child and we live states away from the ex. He has very little contact with her. Basically she just talks to her son on the phone and my husband avoids her.

 

As for our relationship, he claims I am the first girl he has ever asked out in his life. He said he had to get up the courage to ask me because he knew I was the love of his life from the moment we met. He bought me a diamond ring after our first date and asked me to be his wife on our second date. He has always expressed a deep desire to have a family with me, and as I already mentioned we are already expecting a baby together.

 

So why am I so depressed all the time? What do I have to be upset about? I admit it- nothing. And yet I am. From the sounds of it his first marriage was one of obligation and he knew I was his true love the moment he looked into my eyes. He says I'm the only woman he has ever loved. He treats me wonderfully and I get along great with his son- a five year old who has from the very start told me he loves me and that he thanks God for me.

 

But regardless of the details of his first marriage, it was over years before I even met him, so why do I feel so jealous of it? Why am I so jealous that he has already been married to someone else? Why am I jealous that he already experienced childbirth with someone else? I feel like my pregnancy is less special because he has already been there done that. I feel like there is nothing new I can give to him... even though apparently I brought love into his life which he had never experienced with a girl before. Why isn't that enough?

 

I have had plenty of past relationships myself. I have slept with other people. More than he has. So why is it eating me up inside that he was with another girl before me? I should be on cloud nine, married to the man of my dreams and expecting a child. But instead I'm ruining it all. I'm a newlywed in marital trouble because of my own nuerosis. My head knows I have nothing to be upset about, but my heart can't move on.

 

Has anyone else ever struggled with this? I feel like a lone lunatic. Is there any hope to get past this, or am I doomed to a lonely life?

 

Thanks in advance for any help.

Edited March 25, 2008 by Elidy

[MissMaris]

You are not crazy. I found myself feeling excessively jealous of one of my former boyfriend's ex's, even though he made it very clear that he was no longer attracted to her and that their only bond was the children. She had moved on and had met someone, so it wasn't like she was trying to get back with him or anything. She was attractive, but not THAT attractive. Somehow though, I coudn't help feeeling very jealous of her and almost vicious, like I wanted to physically beat her up.

 

Bear in mind, I am not normally this way, AT ALL!

 

Everytime her name came up (usually something to do with his kids) my stomach would just coil up in a knot. I would feel physically sick. I used to wish she would die. It was really ridiculous.

 

Finally one of my good friends pointed out that when you feel secure in a realtionship and sure of being loved, you don't feel jealous. So it wasn't really about her at all, it was about me being insecure. My BF and I had many long, open conversations about our feelings and I had to tell him some of my most embarressing ones. It helped up grow closer.

 

In the long run, I realized he wasn't the right guy for me and we broke up. But that doesn't mean your marriage can't work. You can work through this, just be honest and try to tell him about your feelings (without sounding accusatory or like you're attacking)