Kamille Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Recap: BF and I broke up last month as a result of an ongoing disagreement but decided to try and see if we could make things work out. He feels like I provoked the initial break up by being too controlling. I feel like bf and I are just not going to make it. It's nothing I can really pinpoint, it just feels to me like his heart isn't into us anymore. I brought it up over the weekend and he said he thought we were 'testing out' our relationship to see if it would get better. I don't like this idea of 'testing out'. To me it was always about taking the time we needed to get things right because we love each other. I no longer feel like he loves me. I guess I just don't feel like he is trying really hard, and I'm tired of putting in the effort. Of having conversations about where we are going that always end with: well we're testing our relationship. I told him, over the weekend that I was there because I thought we had been great together and because I hoped we could be again. I told him I was there because I believed in us. I asked him then if he thought we were goint to make it and he said he didn't know. I give up. He knows where I am if he needs to find me. Love shouldn't be this complicated.
carhill Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 It sounds like what's left is familiarity and a bond to the comfort zone that the relationship once provided in better times. Though not highly regarded by some here, I say trust your instincts. Sorry
johan Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Chin up, K. You probably belong with someone else anyway. You Canadian chicks shouldn't have such a hard time. It surprises me, considering how many lumberjacks you probably have to choose from. They're real men, eh.
Author Kamille Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 It sounds like what's left is familiarity and a bond to the comfort zone that the relationship once provided in better times. Though not highly regarded by some here, I say trust your instincts. Sorry I have no idea why he still hangs on. Familiarity perhaps. The decision I made, to stop trying so hard to make us work, makes me feel relieved, a little bit. It replaces the hope, insecurity, sadness and then anger I have felt over the whole thing recently. It feels like the only good option I have left. Chin up, K. You probably belong with someone else anyway. You Canadian chicks shouldn't have such a hard time. It surprises me, considering how many lumberjacks you probably have to choose from. They're real men, eh. Lumberjacks make good breakfasts, eh? Thanks Johan for being there when I need someone to make me laugh. The thing is I'm not too worried about heartbreak. Being officially broken up couldn't be worse then the myriad of emotions I have been feeling lately. I'm going to focus on keeping myself balanced and happy and if he comes around and wants to be a part of it, then good for us, if not, well, I'll just go treeplanting up north or something. Or maybe move to the big USA just so I can vote there.
underpants Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Oh no, It wasn't the homicidal hockey ham was it??? That is too bad Kamille. However, it sounds like you have your head in the right place. This might just be a compatibility issue. A promising fire that has dwindled. Initial 'cloud 9' feelings being replaced by some realities and potential issues. It sounds like you are prepared to face and deal with them and he is not (or not yet). It does take two invested people. I hope he does come around and want to be a part of things. If he doesn't then I have a feeling that you will be okay. ((hugs))
Author Kamille Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Oh no, It wasn't the homicidal hockey ham was it??? Lol. Well the advantage of giving up trying so hard is that now I'm just happy to hear from him. He just called to ask me out. Maybe I was reading too much into everything because I was trying so hard. Well, I'm still going to keep focusing on finding my own balance.
datingmum Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Hi Kamille, It appears we are in a similar situation, though mine very convoluted. Did you agree to go out? Have fun but also be careful. I went out twice with my ex recently and we did well on the first occasion but I walked out on the second as he started getting angry. It is difficult to be with them and hang out, have them touch you and kiss you even, but not TALK ABOUT THE SUBJECT that is foremost in your mind: are you going to get back together or what? I am getting the same 'testing it out' lines as well. Problem is, I can maintain a detached uncaring attitude about it all UNTIL I actually begin to spend time with him, then I naturally want to know. I feel myself start to become less detached again and begin to imagine myself into his plans. Part of our failure this last week has revolved around the fact that his birthday was this weekend, so I felt a pressure to find out what was happening/plans etc. When I was not included as a big part of his birthday celebrations, in fact, not really officially at all, I was shocked and angry! Just be careful is all I'm saying. Good luck!
Author Kamille Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Hi Kamille, It appears we are in a similar situation, though mine very convoluted. Did you agree to go out? Have fun but also be careful. I went out twice with my ex recently and we did well on the first occasion but I walked out on the second as he started getting angry. It is difficult to be with them and hang out, have them touch you and kiss you even, but not TALK ABOUT THE SUBJECT that is foremost in your mind: are you going to get back together or what? I am getting the same 'testing it out' lines as well. Problem is, I can maintain a detached uncaring attitude about it all UNTIL I actually begin to spend time with him, then I naturally want to know. I feel myself start to become less detached again and begin to imagine myself into his plans. Part of our failure this last week has revolved around the fact that his birthday was this weekend, so I felt a pressure to find out what was happening/plans etc. When I was not included as a big part of his birthday celebrations, in fact, not really officially at all, I was shocked and angry! Just be careful is all I'm saying. Good luck! Hi datingmum! SO gald to hear from you. I've been scouring the second chance forum hoping to find other LSers in the same situation but most of it is either about wanting second chances or granting second chances, not actually trying out a second chance. I'm sorry he didn't include you in a big part of his b-day celebration. I don't know what I would have done in your shoes. I still believe that I need to feel like my bf respects me and honors what we have together. And I guess lately I've been doubting, for the first time ever, that he still does. Friggin "testin it out line". I hate it. I tell him so everytime he uses it. I'm pretty straightfoward with him and incapable of hiding anything so, actually, when we hang out things have been generally good. I don't feel we are as close as we used to be and that hurts. But maybe I just get impatient. Anyways, I will try to find your threads and please keep me posted on your situation! Good luck!
Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 What exactly is his reason for feeling the need to "test it out"? Has he explained what he means by this, why he feels it's necessary?
Author Kamille Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 What exactly is his reason for feeling the need to "test it out"? Has he explained what he means by this, why he feels it's necessary? That's a very good question that I haven't really brought up with him. I think we misunderstood each other when we agreed to try and see if we could figure things out. For me it was a way of putting things into perspective to see what ways we could find to resolve our issues. The goal for me was to take the time we needed to get things right. I think he understood it more as ... well as testing things out, which you're right, I don't understand what he means by it. He said it was seeing if we could get over our issues. It's almost the same thing but not quite. My perspective was more involved, his was more distant. The thing is it completely topples the power dynamic between us... I don't like it at all.
daphne Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 kamille, I don't know all of the circumstances, but it sounds like you're taking his semantics personally. To me he sounds like he honestly wants to try again, but is gunshy for whatever reason. You may want to ask him why, to help you understand. It may help you get over the insecurity of not knowing what his intentions are. When I went to see an ex not too long ago, I never expressed that we would be "testing each other out", but that was the implication in me telling him that I just wanted to be friends at that point. It seems that he took it pretty poorly as well, even if he was thinking the same thing. He didn't like it that I wasn't willing to clearly indicate a willingness to try again, even though he was at fault for the initial breakup. Perhaps he wanted an ego boost, but I think it was more than that. Ultimately, he sucker punched me and I totally lost respect for him. But that's a different story. His insecurity got the best of him and we parted ways again. Nobody likes to be the one that is committed to trying again and waiting for the other person to come around. If you understood why he's gunshy, it might help you be more patient.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Kamille, I think you're focusing on the "testing out" bit a little too much. I have a feeling that you two are very different communicators. So he expresses himself differently (through different words in this case) than you. I don't see how what he's saying is necessarily a negative or even a "distant" approach to the R. If I recall, you've written about him always wanting to be near you and wanting to touch you... I'm wondering if perhaps you've gotten used to this part of him. I understand it bothered you at some point, but what's not to say that you didn't get accustomed to this attentiveness on his part? What if, in your mind, you feel like he's withdrawn a little bit (expressed via words) and you think, "he used to want to be near me all the time and now he says we're just testing the R out?" I haven't had much sleep tonight, so I have no idea if what I'm writing makes any sense. Does it? I just think that you want him to communicate the way you do (or you expect it on some subconscious level). You may explicitly state that you want to work things out and you're in it b/c you love him... But really, at the end of the day, it's what both of you are doing (via actions) that really counts. So if he were to stop calling you or if were reluctant to see you or if he wanted more space, etc, then I can understand why you'd feel this way. I understand you want reassurance, but you have to see things from his POV. You decided to end things before b/c of the alcohol issues... No doubt this hurt him. He probably (again on some subconscious level maybe...or maybe he's conscious of it) feels that you left him before and you may do it again if he does not proceed with caution. So rather than throw himself into this again with his eyes closed (like he did before...loving you so unabashedly, being so open about his need and want for you), he's be careful now. He is being guarded. Given the circumstances, can you see why he may be doing this? BTW: I admire you for giving this another shot. I hope whatever issues you two face, you eventually sort it out to your satisfaction (whether the end result is a life with him or not). Geez, I really hope whatever I wrote made sense. I need to sleep. Bleh.
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