81West Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Hello all. I am all out of ideas for moving past some really deep and really persistent pain, and hoping someone can help. I fell into a long distance emotional affair with a 36 year old married man (I was 39) beginning in the fall of 2005. A fateful and random meeting grew first into a friendship, and then into a full blown emotional affair over the first few months of knowing one another. It lasted until January of 2007, when he abrubtly ceased communication without warning or explanation. One day, he just stopped replying to emails etc. I was devastated, deeply confused and utterly lost. It was the most emotionally violent thing anybody has ever done to me. I have cried every single day since that time. I have done many things right in trying to heal...never contacted him once it became clear he had disappeared, a lot of self care, tried IC unsuccessfully, books etc. Early December last year I decided I was finally ready to move on and signed up on a (singles!) dating site. It was a terrible mistake because I realized just how ready I wasn't. Something inside has been broken through this most recent abandonment and I am existing in state constantly braced for some uncontrollable external force to come into my life and cause pain. It has made me turn inward to an unhealthy degree and I can't seem to get past it. I'm seething with what is at once deep anger and resentment and a sea of tenderness for him that has no place to go. The depression and the tears are affecting my child and I need to navigate my way out of this. If anyone can help, I'd be so grateful.
phoenixrising Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 ... while many posters here may say to simply stick to no contact and it will go away eventually, I personally couldn't move on without coming to some resolution... after 6 months of no contact (initiated by me) we met, spent a few days together (just talking, nothing more... took lots of strength) and came to some sort of closure about what had happened, why, our feelings, and why we 'did what we did'. The very honest, caring conversation finally allowed me to start healing... and I'm finally starting to let go and move on with love, not with anger. I don't know how he took it all, because we aren't in contact, but what matters most is that I got some sort of closure. May not work for everyone, but it may be an option when you simply can't stop crying and move forward...
Owl Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Well, I'm one of the "stick to NC" crowd. Odds are, he got caught by his wife, and was told to end it or divorce. So he made his choice. The best thing for YOU at this point wouldn't be to hang your hopes on someone who clearly isn't available...who's apparently chosen to end the relationship with you. I'd suggest that you look for an individual counselor who could help you work through the aftermath of all of this. If you're still hurting so bad after this long, there's something keeping you from healing. You might also see your doctor about AD's...because you clearly sound depressed. Work on taking care of yourself and your child...first priority. Helping yourself in this case IS helping your child as well.
frannie Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 ... I realized just how ready I wasn't. Something inside has been broken through this most recent abandonment and I am existing in state constantly braced for some uncontrollable external force to come into my life and cause pain. It has made me turn inward to an unhealthy degree and I can't seem to get past it. I'm seething with what is at once deep anger and resentment and a sea of tenderness for him that has no place to go. Hello 81West. From what you wrote in the bit I snipped above, it occurs to me that this sudden abandonment by your MM brought up long-buried feelings that you've possibly never really examined, things relating to childhood in all likelihood? I think that if you could manage it, some IC would definitely help you to identifiy the true source of these feelings, so that you could put them behind you and start reaching out to new relationships without fear. If IC is not possible, perhaps some form of self-help dealing with fear of abandonment might help? Best of luck.
LOVE DAISIES Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Hi 81 West...I can understand how this would haunt you...he abruptly stopped talking to you with NO explanation at all. My question is...do you think perhaps something serious may have happened to him? An accident or anything?? You said you never really pursued it much afterward, so I think it's a reasonable question. If you KNOW he is OK...well that makes it worse because he CHOSE to just cut you off.I agree that IS an emotionally violent thing to do to someone. It's actually very cruel. Maybe you should seek some closure from him. I don't truthfully see at this point what you have to lose. It's been quite a while. Just remember...closure comes from within YOU, so regardless of his explanation...you need to be prepared to accept it and be ok with it.... Good luck to you!!!
Author 81West Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 Thanks so much to all for your replies. My biggest problem is that the whole thing is such a moving target emotionally, rationally etc. I can't untangle this and figure out even what it is I'm trying to get past or get over. As soon as I focus on one aspect I'm swamped by some other. I'm not depressed in a clinical sense I don't think, though I can see how it sounded that way. My tears come sporadically one or more times throughout the day when my thoughts drift towards it all, and they come because the emotional fallout of the black enormity of simply being cut off by someone you love and need simply will not fade. He should have and could have let us go with love. He should have and could have let me in on what was going on in my own life rather than leaving me so confused and in such pain. I'm not a visual person at all, but for some reason I have had an enduring image of a woman (me) in a white room empty but for a table, chair and lamp. The room is bright at first and the woman is happy and safe and talking away with her back turned to her partner. She turns at some point to see the room empty and the door closed. It is extraordinarily confusing and she feels the edges of fear. She sits at the table and everything is deathly silent. She turns down the lamp and the room is now very dim as she folds her hands in front of her and just...waits. There is a sense of deep silence, stillness, the passage of time and the deepening of despair as she slowly must accept she's been abandoned. This is so weird for me because I just don't think in pictures. It's like the feelings are so difficult my mind is desperately trying to resolve them in some new and strange way. It's disquieting. I've had other sudden and shocking losses, and I think that's part of this. Whatever emotional steel I was born with has been deeply damaged by the emotional equivalent of repeated bludgeonings. What he did feels so violent, though the intellectual reality is that on his end it was probably really much more passive expedience. For a number of reasons I can expand on I don't want to contact him now, because as much as I would have loved a letting go with love, the time and opportunity for that is gone in my mind. I loved reading your account pheonixrising, and I'm very happy for you that you had that chance. I do know that he didn't drop dead for a few reasons, chief among them the fact that I was contacted by his wife about three months after he disappeared. I did try IC, but all the counsellor would focus on was what a jerk he was (I'm paraphrasing) but it was unhelpful because things of course are more complex than that in these situations. I didn't fall out of love, I just had to put all my feelings in a box and put them away. What he did at the end was extraordinarily destructive to me but it didn't change the preceding 15 months of joy he brought to me just by existing and being him. As you can see, all this time later I still can't square any of this. I feel like a helpless stupid child. It's all so diffuse that it's completely overwhelming. I have, naturally, cried throught this typing. I'm annoying myself!
indianlover Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Hi 81West, I haven't been on this site for a few months - thinking I was over my EA with a MM. My situation was very similar to yours and ended(?) the same way - an abrupt silence. Its been just over 3 months since I last heard from him and I struggle to figure out what happened. I'm still trying to figure out my next move. I need some sort of closure, resolution. I wish I could give you solid advice - if you can go see him and get closure that would be ideal. (Unfortunately I'm not in that position, so its easy for him to ignore me.) Good luck! IL
Gwyneth Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 This is hard, I know. I had a relationship end this way once--then I met MM . What you need and deserve is closure. It's been a long time now and you are still suffering form this tragedy because of the fact you weren't given any kind of closure. You have a few options that I can think of: 1. Show up where you know he is, and get the closure you So deserve 2. Continue healing and moving forward 3. Try emailing him, which I highly do not suggest, but if you are unable to go to where he is, then email would be your best option...or, 4. Call him. You deserve answers no matter what--whether you are the WS, or OW, you deserve answers. Good Luck
silktricks Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I really wish people could get past the idea that they either need or deserve "closure" from someone else to move on in their own lives. To think that getting "closure" is something necessary in order to get on with your life simply portrays you (not him, but you) as weak. You are making yourself into a victim of the situation. No one "needs" to get closure from another person in order to move on in their life. You make the closure yourself - for yourself. I don't want to be cruel, here, but I need to point out that you were never his partner. He was a married man who was having a fantasy relationship on the internet with a fantasy person. Your dream image of yourself and your relationship with this man paints a picture of you as having a rich imagination. It doesn't seem like you are interested in real life though, as when you decided you could again have contact, you didn't choose to have contact with real people, but again looked for an "imaginary" relationship via chat rooms and bulletin boards. Crying everyday does indicate depression. I would strongly suggest counseling, as there is always a reason for the choices we make. Knowing what causes those choices helps us remodel our lives, and working with a counselor is often the best way to make that remodel. There are a lot of pretty cruddy counselors though. The next time you go to one, tell her/him that you don't want to focus on this guy - you want to focus on fixing YOU. Don't be a victim - even with your counselor. It's your life. Be in charge of it. Everyone goes through rejection in their life - at many levels. It's not fun getting dropped in the dirt by someone you love, but it happens. The trick is to pick yourself up and go on, not sit in the dirt wishing they'd come back to pick you up - because more often than not, they won't.
silktricks Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I do know that he didn't drop dead for a few reasons, chief among them the fact that I was contacted by his wife about three months after he disappeared. And what happened here?
shockandawed Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I agree, Please elaborate on what happened with the contact from the wife. It appears obvious that she found out about you. My heart broke for you when I read about him disappearing on you without any explanation. That has to be horrible, although I can assure you getting the 'you deserve better" bs letter isn't all that pleasant either. My best for you 81.
Author 81West Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 She contacted me by email about three months after he disappeared. She said she had found an email between her husband and I that "talked about our feelings for one another and problems he was having with [her]". She called it "an old email from January I think" and said she had asked her husband about it and he had said he wasn't in contact with me any longer. She was writing to appeal to me to give her an honest answer about what was going on and whether there was "something more to all this". I answered her as quickly as I could, as soon as the shock wore off, within an hour or so. I couldn't bear the thought of her writing such a difficult communication and feeling distress not knowing whether I would write back or what the answer would be. Basically acknowleded the relationship in as minimal a way as I could and still be truthful, made it clear he had walked away from it on his own, apologized for my part in causing her any pain and wished her family the best in healing. Did my best not to cause any further hurt and just get out of the way and stay out. Then I cried so hard for two days straight the skin under my nose peeled off. In the weeks that followed I wondered about some small things in her communication and one that followed that didn't quite add up for me, and they had the effect of making things even more muddled in trying to understand. I have considered the possiblity that he was actually caught or almost caught in January and that her mail was actually a check up. I have considered the possibility that it was actually him and not her that wrote to cross the t's and dot the i's on finishing the whole thing up and diffusing the fear of me revealing anything to her as OW often do after the fact, though I would not have done so. Clearly, I think too much.
Lookingforward Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Of course it's not looking for an imaginary relationship, and thanks for chiming in. I pretty much ignored that whole post as the words of a person who needs to trivialize my life in order to make sense of hers. So called "imaginary" relationships online can be just as REAL as any other in my opinion. That said, there is a tendency to fantasise and over romanticise, as you can't really KNOW the person unless it goes to real life. And yes I do know, I've been there. But it can still be as devestating as any other EA, perhaps on one level even more so as all you HAVE is the EA aspects of it. Maybe that is part of why it is SO hard to get over and move on, especially when it just ends abruptly as yours did. Try thinking of him and your relationship as an addiction you need to recover from.
Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Excuse me ? Was I posting to you on YOUR thread here ? NO Thank you You're not excused--this is a public forum and anyone can respond to anyone about anything... Thank you
Author 81West Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 So called "imaginary" relationships online can be just as REAL as any other in my opinion. That said, there is a tendency to fantasise and over romanticise, as you can't really KNOW the person unless it goes to real life. And yes I do know, I've been there. But it can still be as devestating as any other EA, perhaps on one level even more so as all you HAVE is the EA aspects of it. Maybe that is part of why it is SO hard to get over and move on, especially when it just ends abruptly as yours did. Try thinking of him and your relationship as an addiction you need to recover from. It was not imaginary and I feel no burden to defend it's realness to anyone. It's no different or more limited mentally or emotionally than any other period of courtship where you only get the best of each other. My feet were on the ground. We knew what we knew, and we knew what we couldn't know given the restrictions of the relationship. That didn't prevent love, joy, desire and dependence.
Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 It was not imaginary and I feel no burden to defend it's realness to anyone. It's no different or more limited mentally or emotionally than any other period of courtship where you only get the best of each other. My feet were on the ground. We knew what we knew, and we knew what we couldn't know given the restrictions of the relationship. That didn't prevent love, joy, desire and dependence. Exactly. And you're right, you don't owe any explanations or even have to defend yourself to your own opinions and actions
Lookingforward Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 It was not imaginary and I feel no burden to defend it's realness to anyone. It's no different or more limited mentally or emotionally than any other period of courtship where you only get the best of each other. My feet were on the ground. We knew what we knew, and we knew what we couldn't know given the restrictions of the relationship. That didn't prevent love, joy, desire and dependence. Exactly, which is why I typed "so called imaginary relationships". I've been there myself and I know how real it can be.
Author 81West Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Hi 81West, I haven't been on this site for a few months - thinking I was over my EA with a MM. My situation was very similar to yours and ended(?) the same way - an abrupt silence. Its been just over 3 months since I last heard from him and I struggle to figure out what happened. I'm still trying to figure out my next move. I need some sort of closure, resolution. I wish I could give you solid advice - if you can go see him and get closure that would be ideal. (Unfortunately I'm not in that position, so its easy for him to ignore me.) Good luck! IL I'm not in that position either, and I wouldn't choose it even if I was for a number of reasons. I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It's immensely difficult and can be experienced as very real and very enduring trauma. Hopefully you've got some better perspective on it than I do. Keep me posted.
indianlover Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I really wish people could get past the idea that they either need or deserve "closure" from someone else to move on in their own lives. To think that getting "closure" is something necessary in order to get on with your life simply portrays you (not him, but you) as weak. You are making yourself into a victim of the situation. No one "needs" to get closure from another person in order to move on in their life. You make the closure yourself - for yourself. I don't want to be cruel, here, but I need to point out that you were never his partner. He was a married man who was having a fantasy relationship on the internet with a fantasy person. Your dream image of yourself and your relationship with this man paints a picture of you as having a rich imagination. It doesn't seem like you are interested in real life though, as when you decided you could again have contact, you didn't choose to have contact with real people, but again looked for an "imaginary" relationship via chat rooms and bulletin boards. Crying everyday does indicate depression. I would strongly suggest counseling, as there is always a reason for the choices we make. Knowing what causes those choices helps us remodel our lives, and working with a counselor is often the best way to make that remodel. There are a lot of pretty cruddy counselors though. The next time you go to one, tell her/him that you don't want to focus on this guy - you want to focus on fixing YOU. Don't be a victim - even with your counselor. It's your life. Be in charge of it. Everyone goes through rejection in their life - at many levels. It's not fun getting dropped in the dirt by someone you love, but it happens. The trick is to pick yourself up and go on, not sit in the dirt wishing they'd come back to pick you up - because more often than not, they won't. Silktricks - I agree that closure comes from within. Problem is if you don't know that the relationship is over how can you begin to heal yourself? A breakup needs to occur before healing can begin. Understand the MM's in this situation dropped off the face of the Earth - there was no ending.
indianlover Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I'm not in that position either, and I wouldn't choose it even if I was for a number of reasons. I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It's immensely difficult and can be experienced as very real and very enduring trauma. Hopefully you've got some better perspective on it than I do. Keep me posted. Speak of the devil and he comes running...I got an email from MM this morning saying he had a really bad case of the flu. Really? That must have been one nasty 3-month long flu that you couldn't pick up your freakin blackberry. I mean come on...I hate this bullsh*t game. Why do I even bother? THIS is what I mean by closure...obviously this thing isn't over but since I hadn't heard from him in 3 effin months...SOB...ARG his wife can have him - mind body and what is left of his soul
Lookingforward Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Speak of the devil and he comes running...I got an email from MM this morning saying he had a really bad case of the flu. Really? That must have been one nasty 3-month long flu that you couldn't pick up your freakin blackberry. I mean come on...I hate this bullsh*t game. Why do I even bother? THIS is what I mean by closure...obviously this thing isn't over but since I hadn't heard from him in 3 effin months...SOB...ARG his wife can have him - mind body and what is left of his soul But did you TELL him that ? If you want closure you have it right there. It's only "not over" if YOU allow it to continue.
Author 81West Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Speak of the devil and he comes running...I got an email from MM this morning saying he had a really bad case of the flu. Really? That must have been one nasty 3-month long flu that you couldn't pick up your freakin blackberry. I mean come on...I hate this bullsh*t game. Why do I even bother? THIS is what I mean by closure...obviously this thing isn't over but since I hadn't heard from him in 3 effin months...SOB...ARG his wife can have him - mind body and what is left of his soul Wow...crazy timing! His explanation is of course ridiculous. This is an opportunity to end things on your terms and I hope you take it.
indianlover Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I'm taking the upperhand in a sense. In the email I said goodbye to our affair. The last three months showed me that for the most part I was really afraid that I/we ruined our professional relationship - its a long story but we kinda worked together. And that relationship is way more important to me than having an affair with him. I'm setting boundaries and keeping them there this time.
Meaplus3 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Hello all. I am all out of ideas for moving past some really deep and really persistent pain, and hoping someone can help. I fell into a long distance emotional affair with a 36 year old married man (I was 39) beginning in the fall of 2005. A fateful and random meeting grew first into a friendship, and then into a full blown emotional affair over the first few months of knowing one another. It lasted until January of 2007, when he abrubtly ceased communication without warning or explanation. One day, he just stopped replying to emails etc. I was devastated, deeply confused and utterly lost. It was the most emotionally violent thing anybody has ever done to me. I have cried every single day since that time. I have done many things right in trying to heal...never contacted him once it became clear he had disappeared, a lot of self care, tried IC unsuccessfully, books etc. Early December last year I decided I was finally ready to move on and signed up on a (singles!) dating site. It was a terrible mistake because I realized just how ready I wasn't. Something inside has been broken through this most recent abandonment and I am existing in state constantly braced for some uncontrollable external force to come into my life and cause pain. It has made me turn inward to an unhealthy degree and I can't seem to get past it. I'm seething with what is at once deep anger and resentment and a sea of tenderness for him that has no place to go. The depression and the tears are affecting my child and I need to navigate my way out of this. If anyone can help, I'd be so grateful. I am very sorry to hear you are hurting so much this looks like a very painful situation to be going through. I myself had an emotional affair so I fully understand how that pain feels and just how much you long for peace and clarity. I will tell that with time and strict NO Contact there is light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. Hugs. AP:)
Author 81West Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Thanks AP. I'm ready to be over this but I don't know how to get there. I feel like I need help distilling this down to it's component parts so they can be dealt with and put away. I feel scattered like I don't know what to focus on, like it should be simple and would be simple if I was looking at somebody else's situation. The way he ended it (or more properly didn't end it) just haunts me, and I need to figure out why and what it is that that means to me to have it be this impactful more than a year later. I want to be done with this but everytime I think about it I get this huge choking lump in my throat and the tears start.
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