Guilt and forgiving yourself... especially for former OWs/OMs

March 24, 2008

Are there any former OPs (or current OPs, I guess) who feel really guilty that they were apart of an affair?

I was an OW and I am roughly 4 months out of the affair, which I called off despite xMM's protests and promises (none of which panned out, of course). I broke it off for so many reasons, mostly realizing that he had been lying to me and feeling stupid, and realizing that his wife didn't want a divorce like he said she did from the beginning, and feeling guilty about that. I guess it boiled down to me feeling miserable about the way I was living, and realizing that I was the other woman and the full extent of that. Once I realized it, I didn't want to be the other woman or be with a man who had absolutely no problem cheating on his wife, because he justified it in so many different ways. I realized he was leading a double life and I was helping him do it, and that I was leading a double life to be with him.

I'm so glad I broke off the affair but I can't seem to get past the fact that I was apart of one. Sometimes I feel that that very bad decision defines me -- that I will always be someone who was one a married man's lover. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about what I did and how selfish I was. And I feel so bad when I see his wife (that is part of the problem I guess... having to see xMM a lot and his wife sometimes). I often want to apologize to her and tell her how sorry I am... yet, she doesn't know about the affair so I know that would just be creating more drama. Yet I feel like I did something horribly wrong to someone and I can never get past that.

I want to move on and leave this in my past. I don't want to be defined by my decision to partake in an affair. I know I can't ever completely forget about it, but I would like to be able to forgive myself and to realize that it was a bad decision I made at one point, that I have learned from it and that I will never do it again. I know those things in my head -- that I have more self-respect now and more respect for other women, that just wondering if a married man is flirting with me makes my stomach churn, and that I've been hurt and hurt others by this too much to do it again. I'm also in counseling which has helped me realize that I had some self esteem issues that I was looking to xMM to solve for me. I know for sure that I will only look to myself for happiness from now on and that I will never be with a committed person again, but in my heart I can't forgive myself for ever doing it in the first place.

Does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone felt such guilt and then managed to forgive yourself, and if so, how? I was talking in another thread about how nice it would be if there was a forum for *ex* OWs/ OMs to discuss the issues we face (mine being guilt), so it was suggested I started a thread on the subject.

March 24, 2008

I really didn't have any guilt up until the pregnancy. I don't think the affair defines who we are though. We are many different things, and yes, OW was / is one of them, but not the whole that makes us up.

I feel that if I think of myself Always as the OW, then that will kind of put a damper on who I was before, and who I can be after. I do believe it's totally natural for former OW / OM to feel guilt--even the spouse / partner who betrayed. I'm also sure there are those out there who have no guilt. Being the OW was a slice of what I am and have been throughout my life. A very tiny piece of the pie that was moldy and not worth eating. I'm not even sure if I am allowed to be guilty about the pregnancy, though. But about my actions--yes. It was wrong and I say it was wrong. It was also a learning experience, as sad as it sounds.

March 24, 2008

Are there any former OPs (or current OPs, I guess) who feel really guilty that they were apart of an affair?

I was an OW and I am roughly 4 months out of the affair, which I called off despite xMM's protests and promises (none of which panned out, of course). I broke it off for so many reasons, mostly realizing that he had been lying to me and feeling stupid, and realizing that his wife didn't want a divorce like he said she did from the beginning, and feeling guilty about that. I guess it boiled down to me feeling miserable about the way I was living, and realizing that I was the other woman and the full extent of that. Once I realized it, I didn't want to be the other woman or be with a man who had absolutely no problem cheating on his wife, because he justified it in so many different ways. I realized he was leading a double life and I was helping him do it, and that I was leading a double life to be with him.

I'm so glad I broke off the affair but I can't seem to get past the fact that I was apart of one. Sometimes I feel that that very bad decision defines me -- that I will always be someone who was one a married man's lover. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about what I did and how selfish I was. And I feel so bad when I see his wife (that is part of the problem I guess... having to see xMM a lot and his wife sometimes). I often want to apologize to her and tell her how sorry I am... yet, she doesn't know about the affair so I know that would just be creating more drama. Yet I feel like I did something horribly wrong to someone and I can never get past that.

I want to move on and leave this in my past. I don't want to be defined by my decision to partake in an affair. I know I can't ever completely forget about it, but I would like to be able to forgive myself and to realize that it was a bad decision I made at one point, that I have learned from it and that I will never do it again. I know those things in my head -- that I have more self-respect now and more respect for other women, that just wondering if a married man is flirting with me makes my stomach churn, and that I've been hurt and hurt others by this too much to do it again. I'm also in counseling which has helped me realize that I had some self esteem issues that I was looking to xMM to solve for me. I know for sure that I will only look to myself for happiness from now on and that I will never be with a committed person again, but in my heart I can't forgive myself for ever doing it in the first place.

Does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone felt such guilt and then managed to forgive yourself, and if so, how? I was talking in another thread about how nice it would be if there was a forum for *ex* OWs/ OMs to discuss the issues we face (mine being guilt), so it was suggested I started a thread on the subject.

I'm a man, an exOM but you're feelings about yourself seem to describe what is haunting me too. Those feelings haunted me during the affair but I didn't have what it took to end it. Instead I just sort of "nagged" about how much it all bothered me which sometimes got on her nerves.

FWIW: Now there are plenty of good friends and others who seem very understanding and willing to accept me as a good guy in spite of what I've done. I have to live with myself, but must admit that their opinions do encourage me.

I've met another girl, for a couple of months now, and she knows my story. She's extreemly behind me and willing to trust me, which also helps to see that life will go on OK. Maybe I'm NOT a bum after all. She did tell me that if we ever go exclusive, that she's simply cut my b*lls off if I ever cheated, so she's not worried at all.

A sense of humer seems to help, and also realizing that we sometimes take our errors too seriously.

You don't sound at all like somone who will ever do it again.

March 24, 2008

A sense of humer seems to help, and also realizing that we sometimes take our errors too seriously.

I think you mean, Humor

March 24, 2008

I think you mean, Humor

Well yes ... but humers help too.

March 24, 2008

I want to move on and leave this in my past. I don't want to be defined by my decision to partake in an affair.

Then only thing I can say is never be a part of one again. If you repeat said actions, then I think it should define you. But if you never are a part of one again and make the decision to never go down that road ever, then it shouldn't.

March 24, 2008

I really didn't have any guilt up until the pregnancy. I don't think the affair defines who we are though. We are many different things, and yes, OW was / is one of them, but not the whole that makes us up. .

Maybe not if it was a one time thing and you know you won't ever do it again.

But there are certain people, I can name two at this site but won't, that revel in being with other womens' husbands. THOSE people can be defined by their actions and pretty much sums them up. Those people don't have any guilt or sense of what is right, and will do it over and over again without a care in the world who they hurt.

March 24, 2008

I'm a man, an exOM but you're feelings about yourself seem to describe what is haunting me too. Those feelings haunted me during the affair but I didn't have what it took to end it. Instead I just sort of "nagged" about how much it all bothered me which sometimes got on her nerves.

FWIW: Now there are plenty of good friends and others who seem very understanding and willing to accept me as a good guy in spite of what I've done. I have to live with myself, but must admit that their opinions do encourage me.

I've met another girl, for a couple of months now, and she knows my story. She's extreemly behind me and willing to trust me, which also helps to see that life will go on OK. Maybe I'm NOT a bum after all. She did tell me that if we ever go exclusive, that she's simply cut my b*lls off if I ever cheated, so she's not worried at all.

A sense of humer seems to help, and also realizing that we sometimes take our errors too seriously.

You don't sound at all like somone who will ever do it again.

I see what you mean, Cagney. When I'm around my sister, who knows about the affair, she is so accepting and loving, and I realize that I must be a good person because she thinks I'm a good person. She didn't disown me over this bad decision. None of my other friends know about my affair, I'm too ashamed to tell them, but I feel that they would still think I'm a good person if they knew.

But still, I don't want to think I'm a good person because other people -- even my sister whom I am closer to than anyone else in the world! -- think I'm a good person. I want to really believe that I'm a good person. It does help that others have experienced similar things or made bad decisions or know that I've made them and still think I'm a good person. I just want to have that same view of myself, you know? Because there are still a lot of people who, if they knew what I did, would think I was a bad person for life. So I just have to know I am a good person despite who thinks I'm bad and who thinks I'm good etc.

I don't know if I'm making any sense anymore LOL.

March 24, 2008

Nadia- I could have wrote your post except that my xMM wife did find out. She knows and his children know (they are young adults). The guilt that not only I was involved in the affair but that all these people found out and have to feel the terrible pain is extremely overwhelming.

I also feel extreme guilt because unlike you- although i knew it would be in my (and everyone else's) best interest- i was never able to end our affair. I kept hanging on, thinking eventually I would get the strength to take my life back, perhaps subconsciously hoping a miracle would happen and MM would be mine at some point. I wanted the rollercoaster ride to end. I hated the multiple emotions I felt each week, i hated waiting by the phone, i hated the disappointments, but I couldnt let go. It took a major dday event (and not the first) for our R to finally be put to an end and certainly this isnt the best way to have that happen!! I can't even credit myself for being able to stop it on my own.

In the end, it has left many people in extreme pain. The guilt consumes me at times. And still, i love xMM with my whole heart- i feel guilt over that too. If I know this was so morally wrong then why does my heart fight losing him and fight giving up hope for the future, why is it so painful to let go. My heart and brain are so conflicted.

Like the previous poster, i have friends willing to accept me as i am (of course that is what friends do). I have been overwhelmed w/a tremendous support system despite the fact that what I did was wrong. But still, even with all the support, the guilt is there. I dont know how I can believe in myself enough to have a normal relationship if this doesnt go away.

I have alot of self confidence in many areas (has taken me years) and I know I am a intelligent person- but the guilt slams all that by the waste side and drags my whole self down.

I would certainly be interested in hearing how others have dealt with this.

March 24, 2008

I really didn't have any guilt up until the pregnancy. I don't think the affair defines who we are though. We are many different things, and yes, OW was / is one of them, but not the whole that makes us up.

I feel that if I think of myself Always as the OW, then that will kind of put a damper on who I was before, and who I can be after. I do believe it's totally natural for former OW / OM to feel guilt--even the spouse / partner who betrayed. I'm also sure there are those out there who have no guilt. Being the OW was a slice of what I am and have been throughout my life. A very tiny piece of the pie that was moldy and not worth eating. I'm not even sure if I am allowed to be guilty about the pregnancy, though. But about my actions--yes. It was wrong and I say it was wrong. It was also a learning experience, as sad as it sounds.

I like how you say you don't want to put a damper on "who I can be after" [the affair]. I like to think of my future as a blank slate that I have the power to make miserable (by making stupid decisions like being the OW) or beautiful (by aiming to do the right thing and not things that hurt myself and other people). I think I have changed and that my values have become stronger now that I realized what can happen if I don't have them. So if I focus on the future instead of the past, I feel a lot happier.

I'm not sure what you mean about whether you're "allowed" to feel guilty about your pregnancy. I think it's good that you admit that your actions were wrong and that you learned from them. That's step one. So when I realize that I've been through that step, I think, step 2 must be forgiving myself for the actions I did that I know were wrong. And I guess I will get there eventually. It took me eight months to realize that being apart of an affair with a married man was wrong. And even longer to be able to end it completely. So I guess it must take at least that long to forgive myself for it!

March 24, 2008

Nadia- I could have wrote your post except that my xMM wife did find out. She knows and his children know (they are young adults). The guilt that not only I was involved in the affair but that all these people found out and have to feel the terrible pain is extremely overwhelming.

I also feel extreme guilt because unlike you- although i knew it would be in my (and everyone else's) best interest- i was never able to end our affair. I kept hanging on, thinking eventually I would get the strength to take my life back, perhaps subconsciously hoping a miracle would happen and MM would be mine at some point. I wanted the rollercoaster ride to end. I hated the multiple emotions I felt each week, i hated waiting by the phone, i hated the disappointments, but I couldnt let go. It took a major dday event (and not the first) for our R to finally be put to an end and certainly this isnt the best way to have that happen!! I can't even credit myself for being able to stop it on my own.

In the end, it has left many people in extreme pain. The guilt consumes me at times. And still, i love xMM with my whole heart- i feel guilt over that too. If I know this was so morally wrong then why does my heart fight losing him and fight giving up hope for the future, why is it so painful to let go. My heart and brain are so conflicted.

Like the previous poster, i have friends willing to accept me as i am (of course that is what friends do). I have been overwhelmed w/a tremendous support system despite the fact that what I did was wrong. But still, even with all the support, the guilt is there. I dont know how I can believe in myself enough to have a normal relationship if this doesnt go away.

I have alot of self confidence in many areas (has taken me years) and I know I am a intelligent person- but the guilt slams all that by the waste side and drags my whole self down.

I would certainly be interested in hearing how others have dealt with this.

Thanks for sharing your own experience. I guess I would be feeling even more guilt (if that's even possible?!) if he (or outside circumstances) had ended the affair instead of me, and if his wife and others had found out about it and were hurt. Still, I think that you and I both participated in an affair and you and I both feel guilty about it. So it's the same thing, I can't feel like you should feel any guiltier than I should, etc.

I realized after awhile that I had been letting the affair continue, and that I was responding to xMM's contacts even after I had tried to initiate NC, etc... out of guilt. It was like, I had sunk so low that I might as well stay down there in the mud with him, you know? Talking to him and being around him was easier than gathering strength on my own and not talking to him anymore because I knew it was bad for me, bad for his marriage, just plain bad in general.

Once I finally ingored him (as best as I could, since I work with him), I felt a lot stronger and better. Maybe you are where I was... still continuing with some part of the affair because it was easier to run to him than deal with it on my own.

But I think if some time goes by where you make it a point not to talk to him at all, you will feel like you have some control over the situation, regardless of who broke off the affair and why, and who found out. You just need to come to the place where you realize and accept that this affair is not good for you and it needs to be over, no matter how much your heart pines for him. Because you know that if he isn't married you will be with him, but that is not the case right now. Because he is married, you know it's not good to have anything to do with him, so you might start to feel less overwhelming guilt if you take some control and realize that you personally know this isn't good for you and you are not going to have anything else to do with him while he's still married.

March 24, 2008

Then only thing I can say is never be a part of one again. If you repeat said actions, then I think it should define you. But if you never are a part of one again and make the decision to never go down that road ever, then it shouldn't.

This is kind of off topic but what about serial cheaters (or serial OWs) who participate in affairs over and over and over and one day it just hits them... like, "I have not been doing the right thing, I have been hurting myself and other people? I need to turn my life around." I think if they truely are sorry and they stop their actions and do everything they can to make things right, then they are no longer defined by that... they are now someone who is doing the right thing and living the right way, even if they didn't in the past.

See, it is so easy for me to forgive other people and think at least they are doing the right thing now, I am not going to condemn them forever because they did the wrong thing in the past. Yet I can't think that way about myself! I don't know why.

March 24, 2008

Maybe not if it was a one time thing and you know you won't ever do it again.

But there are certain people, I can name two at this site but won't, that revel in being with other womens' husbands. THOSE people can be defined by their actions and pretty much sums them up. Those people don't have any guilt or sense of what is right, and will do it over and over again without a care in the world who they hurt.

I think perhaps they have guilt but they choose to ignore it or to "brag" about their exploits as a way to cover it up. But when someone suggests that perhaps their actions are selfish or hurtful, they go into a self-defensive mode like "Oh, you are just judgmental and hyprocritcal and holier-than-thou." To me this shows that a nerve within them has been struck and that they feel they are doing the wrong thing but they don't like it pointed out to them.

I think all of us have a conscience except perhaps the criminally insane. Some of us are better at listening to it than others.

But I agree with you that it's sad that some show no remorse, and they blame everything on the betrayed spouse and on anyone else but themselves, and they never admit that they do anything wrong. It takes a particular kind of selfishness and one-sided blindness to be able to do that. I am convinced that these people are not happy. I am not saying I'm the happiest person in the world, but I'm able to admit my struggles and I don't expect to be happy while hurting other people. When someone acts like their poopie doesn't stink, and tries to convince me that they themselves are happy doing actions that hurt others, it just shows me that they are really unhappy and they are doing nothing to better that unhappy situation.

Edited March 24, 2008 by nadiaj2727

March 24, 2008

I guess it boiled down to me feeling miserable about the way I was living, and realizing that I was the other woman and the full extent of that. Once I realized it, I didn't want to be the other woman or be with a man who had absolutely no problem cheating on his wife, because he justified it in so many different ways. I realized he was leading a double life and I was helping him do it, and that I was leading a double life to be with him.

I think you're being VERY selfish by not revealing the truth to his W. She has every right to know what you have done with her husband. She is continued being made a fool of while the two of you fully aware what you have done behind her back. Your guilt and continue deception will not ease untill the truth comes out.

You're still lying to her and you're still cheating her from the truth. Unlike many OW/OM in here, it seems that you have a good conscience. You did the wrong thing back then, now, do the right thing.

March 24, 2008

I think you're being VERY selfish by not revealing the truth to his W. She has every right to know what you have done with her husband. She is continued being made a fool of while the two of you fully aware what you have done behind her back. Your guilt and continue deception will not ease untill the truth comes out.

You're still lying to her and you're still cheating her from the truth. Unlike many OW/OM in here, it seems that you have a good conscience. You did the wrong thing back then, now, do the right thing.

At one point I was on the verge of confessing and apologizing to her, I was really torn up about it. Other BS on here and other boards told me that she might not want to know, and that they never would have wanted to find out from the OW (although some posters like you advocated telling). I told my former therapist that I planned to tell her, and she advised me not to tell her because it would only create more hurt for her and more drama for me. . She was very adament about it -- "definitely don't do that, it's a bad idea," like I was a kindergartner who wanted to steal a toy.

But part of the reason I stopped going to her and looked for a new therapist was that when she said that I felt so stupid for thinking that was the right thing to do -- I tried to explain to her why I felt I should do it but she told me that his wife probably knows he's cheating and will not want to know that he cheated with me and that I know about her marital problems. She also told me that she will question my motivation and think I am doing it because I was dumped or that I still want to be with him. She made it seem like I was going to do it because I still wanted to be with him, which was not the case at all. I had ended it and I felt sorry for ever doing it. I decided I didn't want a counselor who made me feel stupid about what I was thinking about doing. However, I still remember how adament she was that I not tell him and that it could only create more pain and hurt. I guess since I really didn't know what was the right thing to do, I was taking the advice of other people who had been in this situation or knew a lot about it, and her advice kept sticking in my head.

I was really torn about it for a long time and didn't know which way to go with it. I finally came to the conclusion that I shouldn't take an action I wasn't sure was the right action. So I laid that idea to rest. But as you can tell it still bothers me as I am still not sure what is the right thing to do... butt out of their marriage and leave it to them, or tell her because I feel bad. I feel that telling her to ease my own conscience is selfish. Really at this point that is the only reason I would be doing it. At first I also selfishly wanted to do it to make sure the affair ended... but by now the affair is way over and I have no doubt I can stop talking to him. And I guess at first there was an aspect of revenge, like his wife should know what a scumbag he is, so my former therapist was probably right about that part. But the biggest reason and the only reason that remains is that I feel bad and I wish I could tell her I'm sorry.

I understand your position that I should tell her and I thank you for taking the time to share your advice with me. However, I am not willing to cause her more hurt than I already have, just for the sake of making myself feel better about my past actions by coming clean. I don't want to burden her with my bad feelings about my bad decision.

Edited March 24, 2008 by nadiaj2727

March 24, 2008

I was really torn about it for a long time and didn't know which way to go with it. I finally came to the conclusion that I shouldn't take an action I wasn't sure was the right action. So I laid that idea to rest. But as you can tell it still bothers me as I am still not sure what is the right thing to do... butt out of their marriage and leave it to them, or tell her because I feel bad. I feel that telling her to ease my own conscience is selfish. Really at this point that is the only reason I would be doing it.

I understand your position that I should tell her and I thank you for taking the time to share your advice with me. However, I am not willing to do more to hurt her than I already have, just for the sake of making myself feel better about my past actions by coming clean.

I have a feeling that you're very educated and that you know what you did and how it effected people, things, circumstances around you because of your actions. Unlike many other OW here, you're actually aware of your (former and current) actions, your guilit, and consequences. It's refreshing to see that from a OW.

Virtually all other OW here are selfish, mindless, almost-soulless wrecks who just go through each day without thinking much about others (especially the wives) or the future. So, Nadia, you should stick around.

March 24, 2008

However, I am not willing to cause her more hurt than I already have, just for the sake of making myself feel better about my past actions by coming clean. I don't want to burden her with my bad feelings about my bad decision.

When you've stifled your own conscience for a long time, with the bliss and joy of an affair, I think that when it's all over, you feelings are all so screwed around that you (yourself) can't figure out what hurts most. Your guilt, your heartbreak or whatever. And it's difficult to make even basic decisions because of the confusion that sets in - for a while. It's hard to be objective, hard to make smart decisions.

A decision to tell the wife is one more MAJOR decision with huge consequenses, and you should rely on advice from some you can trust - at least until you finally return to your old self.

I think your therapist was correct and that it would be wrong for you to tell the wife.

Concentrate on YOU right now. Get whole again.

Although the wife has a right to know, and there is the golden rule, to me, neither of those principles over-ride the damage and drama that would likely come from the wife hearing the truth from the OW.

I would want to know. And you would want to know. And maybe the wife would want to know (who can say?) But not from YOU! And if you have somone ELSE do the job for you, or even write in an anonymous letter (assuming the MM and the wife are stupid enough not to immediately suspect it was from you) ... it would still be YOU.

March 24, 2008

I have a feeling that you're very educated and that you know what you did and how it effected people, things, circumstances around you because of your actions. Unlike many other OW here, you're actually aware of your (former and current) actions, your guilit, and consequences. It's refreshing to see that from a OW.

Virtually all other OW here are selfish, mindless, almost-soulless wrecks who just go through each day without thinking much about others (especially the wives) or the future. So, Nadia, you should stick around.

I agree with your first paragraph. I am very well aware of my actions and their consequences, and that, I guess, is why I feel so much guilt.

I don't agree with your second paragraph. There are a few OW here whose posts ooze selfishness. Most OW remind me of how I was when I was an OW: yes, I was selfish and I was a wreck... but I did think about other people and I did feel bad for his wife. For a time I justified my actions and listened to/ believed HIS justfications (they had already decided to get divorced, she verbally and emotionally abused him, she will be happier without him, etc.). I think a lot of the OW on here are not bad people, they are just stuck in the phase where they are letting MM do all their thinking for them and they are so caught up in the fantasy of being with MM that they feel their "love" justifies their actions.

One day I woke up. It was a slow process but I began to look at the facts instead of listen to his excuses and justficiations. He may have separated but he wasn't getting divorced anytime soon. He wanted to put all the blame on her and not take any of his own. I began to see how he lied and manipulated me, and blew anything I said out of proportion and thought "no wonder he says SHE verbally abuses him, if my saying what's on my mind made him react like I almost killed him, because he didn't like it." I began to think about things from her point of view and realize that I had to have more respect for other women and for myself.

I think a lot of OW here are at that stage or they will get there. They need to think for themselves and be strong enough to not depend on MM for their every thought and action. Honestly I think a lot of them are just hurting and suffering, and I was once there so I can't call them selfish and mindless. They are just in a bad situation and they have to realize that they put themselves there and they can get themselves out of it. They have to be self-reliant enough to not get or remain involved with a married man. I believe it will come for most of them, it just takes time. And calling them selfish mindless wrecks is not going to help. I'm not sure of your story or maybe I would understand why you see them this way. Yes, I do see a few who are so messed up emotionally that they purposefully try to mess up other peoples' lives. But mainly I see OW who are hurting and I care about them because I was once there, and I am not competely healed from it either.

March 24, 2008

At one point I was on the verge of confessing and apologizing to her, I was really torn up about it. Other BS on here and other boards told me that she might not want to know, and that they never would have wanted to find out from the OW (although some posters like you advocated telling). I told my former therapist that I planned to tell her, and she advised me not to tell her because it would only create more hurt for her and more drama for me. . She was very adament about it -- "definitely don't do that, it's a bad idea," like I was a kindergartner who wanted to steal a toy.

But part of the reason I stopped going to her and looked for a new therapist was that when she said that I felt so stupid for thinking that was the right thing to do -- I tried to explain to her why I felt I should do it but she told me that his wife probably knows he's cheating and will not want to know that he cheated with me and that I know about her marital problems. She also told me that she will question my motivation and think I am doing it because I was dumped or that I still want to be with him. She made it seem like I was going to do it because I still wanted to be with him, which was not the case at all. I had ended it and I felt sorry for ever doing it. I decided I didn't want a counselor who made me feel stupid about what I was thinking about doing. However, I still remember how adament she was that I not tell him and that it could only create more pain and hurt. I guess since I really didn't know what was the right thing to do, I was taking the advice of other people who had been in this situation or knew a lot about it, and her advice kept sticking in my head.

I was really torn about it for a long time and didn't know which way to go with it. I finally came to the conclusion that I shouldn't take an action I wasn't sure was the right action. So I laid that idea to rest. But as you can tell it still bothers me as I am still not sure what is the right thing to do... butt out of their marriage and leave it to them, or tell her because I feel bad. I feel that telling her to ease my own conscience is selfish. Really at this point that is the only reason I would be doing it. At first I also selfishly wanted to do it to make sure the affair ended... but by now the affair is way over and I have no doubt I can stop talking to him. And I guess at first there was an aspect of revenge, like his wife should know what a scumbag he is, so my former therapist was probably right about that part. But the biggest reason and the only reason that remains is that I feel bad and I wish I could tell her I'm sorry.

I understand your position that I should tell her and I thank you for taking the time to share your advice with me. However, I am not willing to cause her more hurt than I already have, just for the sake of making myself feel better about my past actions by coming clean. I don't want to burden her with my bad feelings about my bad decision.

I was the wife at one time. Trust me, I would have wanted to know the truth, to have had the choice to make an informed decision would have been crucial to me. By confessing to her, you are giving her back the choice that was taken from her to begin with.

March 24, 2008

Well yes ... but humers help too.

For you, because you're a man

March 24, 2008

I like how you say you don't want to put a damper on "who I can be after" [the affair]. I like to think of my future as a blank slate that I have the power to make miserable (by making stupid decisions like being the OW) or beautiful (by aiming to do the right thing and not things that hurt myself and other people). I think I have changed and that my values have become stronger now that I realized what can happen if I don't have them. So if I focus on the future instead of the past, I feel a lot happier.

I'm not sure what you mean about whether you're "allowed" to feel guilty about your pregnancy. I think it's good that you admit that your actions were wrong and that you learned from them. That's step one. So when I realize that I've been through that step, I think, step 2 must be forgiving myself for the actions I did that I know were wrong. And I guess I will get there eventually. It took me eight months to realize that being apart of an affair with a married man was wrong. And even longer to be able to end it completely. So I guess it must take at least that long to forgive myself for it!

What I mean is, I don't know if it's "okay" or "natural" to feel guilty about a pregnancy--like is it apropriate to have guilt about a pregnancy? I am trying to figure that out. I talk to MM about this daily. I'll always be reminded of the affair because of the child that was produced out of it. For that [pregnancy / baby], I am happy and haven't yet felt guilty about. Actually, I take that back--I am half guilty and half happy, but I'm not ready to tell the board Why I feel half guilty (especially since people around here think I'm some kind of Lame Troll with "Stories"). Only one person on this board knows why I might be feeling a little guilty.

March 24, 2008

When you've stifled your own conscience for a long time, with the bliss and joy of an affair, I think that when it's all over, you feelings are all so screwed around that you (yourself) can't figure out what hurts most. Your guilt, your heartbreak or whatever. And it's difficult to make even basic decisions because of the confusion that sets in - for a while. It's hard to be objective, hard to make smart decisions.

A decision to tell the wife is one more MAJOR decision with huge consequenses, and you should rely on advice from some you can trust - at least until you finally return to your old self.

I think your therapist was correct and that it would be wrong for you to tell the wife.

Concentrate on YOU right now. Get whole again.

Although the wife has a right to know, and there is the golden rule, to me, neither of those principles over-ride the damage and drama that would likely come from the wife hearing the truth from the OW.

I would want to know. And you would want to know. And maybe the wife would want to know (who can say?) But not from YOU! And if you have somone ELSE do the job for you, or even write in an anonymous letter (assuming the MM and the wife are stupid enough not to immediately suspect it was from you) ... it would still be YOU.

In some ways I feel I am more whole and a stronger person than before I was involved with xMM. Obviously, before that I was someone who would get involved with a married man. And now I'm definitely someone who will not, under any circumstances, cheat or help someone else cheat! I'm realizing what was wrong inside me that allowed me to turn to making bad decisions to try to fix it. I'm realizing that I've made a lot of bad mistakes in the past instead of facing my demons. I'm facing them and fixing it on my own now, without the "help" of people who are just as weak as I was, so in a way I feel stronger, even though I wish I had never taken part in the affair.

It's funny how you mention the golden rule. That was why I felt I should tell her. I would want someone to tell me if they slept with my husband, especially if that was the only way to get straight answers to my suspicions. But the problem with the golden rule is it tells you to do what you would want others to do to you... but what if the "other" would want something different done to her? I know she would not have wanted me to be with her husband in the first place. But that deed is done, so now what?! Do I tell her because that's what I would want done to me (if the sleeping-with-my-husband bit had already been done to me, which of course I wouldn't want). Or do I not tell her because I'm not sure what she would want done to her once such a horrible thing has already been done? And because since I'm the one who helped do the terrible deed, I can't help make it right so I should just do nothing at all? Those are the kinds of questions that rolled around in my head when I was seriously considering telling her.

But, like you suggest, I finally had to realize that I am not at a place to make decisions, especially one that affects her. Of course I already made a decision that affects her so maybe I don't get the "right" to apologize to her because of that. I feel that in order to move on I have to put BOTH of them in my past. But that's hard to do when I am constantly reminded that I hurt her and, as TheRain points out, she doesn't even know what I did that affects her so much. So anyway all of this and my main point is that I agree with you that it is a tough decision and I wouldn't want to do it unless I felt at peace with it, and I don't, so, it's not being done.

March 24, 2008

Maybe not if it was a one time thing and you know you won't ever do it again.

But there are certain people, I can name two at this site but won't, that revel in being with other womens' husbands. THOSE people can be defined by their actions and pretty much sums them up. Those people don't have any guilt or sense of what is right, and will do it over and over again without a care in the world who they hurt.

Right, agree I have said that before too on here. They clearly have no guilt because it's like their job to seduce married men and have relations with them. I don't understand that and never will, but I guess that's the difference between me and them.

March 24, 2008

What I mean is, I don't know if it's "okay" or "natural" to feel guilty about a pregnancy--like is it apropriate to have guilt about a pregnancy? I am trying to figure that out. I talk to MM about this daily. I'll always be reminded of the affair because of the child that was produced out of it. For that [pregnancy / baby], I am happy and haven't yet felt guilty about. Actually, I take that back--I am half guilty and half happy, but I'm not ready to tell the board Why I feel half guilty (especially since people around here think I'm some kind of Lame Troll with "Stories"). Only one person on this board knows why I might be feeling a little guilty.

If you feel guilt about a pregnancy, then it is normal. You can't help feelings -- anything you personally feel is normal for you. (That is different than "acting" on feelings, which may not be normal. But in this case you are already pregnant so the action part doesn't really apply.)

It sounds like you have a lot of conflicting emotions. I'm sure that's normal both for someone who is pregnant and for someone who has had an affair (I certainly have conflicting emotions and I'm not pregnant ). Have you considered seeing a therapist so that you can talk this all out to someone besides MM... who is partly responsible for all these negative emotions in the first place? I'm just asking you because I've found it really helpful personally.

March 24, 2008

When I asked my therapist about telling the husband, and pressed the issue to a rdiculous point - the therapist called it triangulation.

There was a relationship between my xMW and her H

There was a relationship between my xMW and me.

But there is NO realtionship between her H and me. (a triangle)

If I told the H and started a catastrophic problem beyond what already is bad enough ...

It would be nothing more than MORE CONTACT with my xMW.

Even BAD contact is still contact.

Imajine, with one phone call to the husband, I could reach across the universe and create havoc for the bitch that hurt me so badly. I want to call! I WANT to!

And afterall, it would only be doing the KIND thing the golden rule.

Edited March 24, 2008 by Cagney

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Guilt and forgiving yourself... especially for former OWs/OMs

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