lantern_777 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 my wife and i recently separated. you could say it is because of me. i am the one who wanted it. it's not a legal separation, but i am now out of the house because my wife didn't want me there anymore. we have been married for almost 4 yrs. things have been rough in our marriage for the last few years. my wife had what i believe to be an EA. i have never been the same since i discovered a text message where she told her friend she loved him. i was devastated. when i confronted her she lied about ever saying it. she said he was just a freind, and that i pushed her away for years leading up to it. we fought and argued for months after that. i started chatting with an old friend in retaliation. i started talking badly about her to another friend. i was venting. we went to MC one time, W didn't like it and wouldn't go back unless we went to someone else. i liked it though because some of what i was feeling was validated by the MC. W did some spying and saw emails to my friend about her. she left because of that, then came back home, then i pulled away and wound up leaving, then returned home. she continued to be friends w/ this guy, even i tried to be friends w/ him for her. she said she'd stop being friends with him but i said no i didn't want her to resent me later for it. i blamed myself for our problems and really tried to fix things. i would think about everything once in a while, all the bad stuff that went on, but for the most part i didn't. then one day recently i woke up and decided that i couldn't forgive or forget what she did to me. i decided that it was time to do what i wanted to do 2 yrs ago but couldn't bring myself to do. so i left. i told her i wanted to be separated. she does not want this at all, and says she wants to commit to the M and work things out and learn from the past. i am at a point where i do not believe i can do that. i think MC can help people learn to communicate better, to meet each other's emotional needs, but i don't think it can help me forgive her past actions. there's a lot more to the story, but i can't write a novel right now. i would like to know if MC can truly help someone forgive betrayal? can it help you forgive a total lack of respect shown by W? can it help forgive months of defiance and immature behavior? how do you know when it's time to give up on M? i am currently feeling very lonely and sad, and i think very anxious. i get this sinking feeling in my stomach that comes out of nowhere. and it happens at random times. is this normal? i miss my W. how do i know if i miss HER or just not being alone? i have never lived on my own, went from parents house to living with W. lived with friends for about a year once before, but never completely alone. i used to love my life, i loved being a husband and owning and taking care of a house and kids. now i struggle just to get out of bed, i feel like my life has lost its purpose and meaning. i feel like everything i do is for someone who doesn't deserve any of it and turned their back on me. i feel like it may be time to cut my losses and move on, but i want to be sure.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Per your own post? You've answered your own question!
Author lantern_777 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 i suppose you're right gunny. i think i know what i have to do inside, i guess i'm just looking for some validation. i'm scared to actually admit that the M is over.
kimiman Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Hi Lantern, Sorry to hear that things are shaky with your wife. There is never a quick solution to marital breakdown, but you've taken a good step in seeing a MC. Sometimes an independent third party can bring a fresh perspective on things. Try not to push too hard with mending things with your wife, desperation can sometimes make things worse. Use a mediator and tell her you love her, no matter what she throws at you. remember dude, love is always worth making an effort. good luck kimiman
Author lantern_777 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 hi kimiman... i actually haven't agreed to go see a MC, i'm looking for some feedback from people to see if they think it would even help me. my personal opinion is that there's no amount of MC that can coax me to forgive what my W did to me, because i don't believe i would ever do the same to her. she did things that pushed me away for years, but rather than run to another woman to get what i so desperately needed, i kept fighting for it with my W. trying to talk to her, to get her to understand. in the end it didn't work and she ran to her male friend, she was tired of all my questions, she had no interest in communicating with me at all. she acted like a teenager and rebelled against me. she crushed me with how she was treating me. so i'm wondering if MC can help me get over her EA, because i do not believe it can. i'm wondering if anyone out there has been able to move past an EA by going through MC. in the end i still may opt not to go as i'm over 2 years past the EA and it's still eating away at me, but i'm curious.
HenryII Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Lantern777, I have had some experirnce with MC. Went when my 1st M was on the rocks. It starts out as MC then changes to DC and finally IC for me. It was very helpful to get mre to understsnd myself and to validate my feelings. Alsohelps woth feeling of loss of family etc. And helps to move on. I am now with wife #2 13 yrs. and am right back in the same spot. She also is having an EA that I know is at the physical stage. Only a matter of time till it becomes sexual. I mean how long will the OM wait for what he wants. Anyway I plan to get into MC soon myself and try to work outeverthing. It took u a lot of courage to hang in there and try to work it out. Now just be concerned about fixing u. Get into C soon and spill your guts. I had a female C and I think it was easies to talk to her than to a male C. Good luck.
Author lantern_777 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 henryII... thanks for the support. i'm sorry to hear that you're now back in the same predicament with your 2nd wife, and after 13 yrs, wow. at least mine happened relatively early on, which isn't much of a consolation, but it's all i have to go on at this point. i totally understand why these things happen, but it still doesn't make it ok. in my case, i discovered what was going on and begged my wife to stop. she wasn't trying to leave me or anything, but she was carrying on and on and on with this friend of hers, through text msgs and talking on the phone. she would get up early in the morning on weekends (and she wasn't an early riser) and go down to the basement with her cell phone just to text with this guy. it really broke my heart. the more i begged her to stop, the more she did it. she would hide the phone from me, delete all the msgs, it was awful and inexcusable in my book. to this day, she insists she was just having a friend, but it sure looked like a whole lot more to me. with all of the lies i've been told, and all of the messages that were hidden from me....how could i think anything else? this is why i don't believe MC will work for us...because regardless of the reasons behind her actions, she still did what she did. how is any MC going to make me forgive that? i guess i wish we had just gotten help much earlier on, before anything got to the point that it did. it spiralled out of control, and now so much has happened, it just feels like it's too late. it's such a shame really, but i just don't feel like i have anything left to give to this relationship. i'm totally drained, i don't want to do whatever work would be involved to repair things at this point. the whole thing just makes me want to crawl into a cave and never come out.
Gunny376 Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 MC? Yes for you and your future relationships! This one is trashed! You definately need some "cave-time" some time on the "back-forty" alone with the family dog, a 55 gallon barrel fire and some good whiskey! To understand why you need some "cave-time" and "back-forty time" read John Gray's "When Mars and Venus Collide" and "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, And Women Need A New Pair Of Shoes" You and she need some serious times apart! No Contact! No phone calls, no text msg's, nothing! Absolute no contact!
Author lantern_777 Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 gunny... i am glad you think we need apart time, because that's exactly what we're doing. i am currently staying with my folks, otherwise i think i was going to have a nervous breakdown. it's hard being in the house that i did so much work on, and seeing pictures of all my good memories all over the place. i had to escape. we've actually mutually agreed to NC for 2 weeks and then we'll take it from there. just these first few days are already helping me relax a great deal. we will see what the future holds...
john30 Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Hey Lantern, I know how your feeling, my wife did exactly the same thing as yours, started texting another man and said there was something missing in our relationship. Thing was, we had always been happy before, came right out of the blue it did. After 3 months of lies and ripping me into little pieces, she left, after 10yrs of happy marriage, just up and left, no explanation, no nothing. Anyway, I would stick with what your doing because if my story is anything to go by, she could end up walking anyway. You don't want that after another 3 or 4 months of suffering do you? These situations just suck! don't they? Sorry for your pain, John.
Author lantern_777 Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 hey john... wow man, sorry to hear that you went through this crap too. was the guy that your wife did this with a friend of hers or someone she just met out of nowhere? in my case, the guy was a lifelong friend of my wife's since she was a child. it was someone from her neighborhood that she grew up with. i knew she was friends with him, but he was no where to be found for the first few years of our life together. it was only after she decided that she was unhappy with me that she started with him. texting, phone calls on her way to work, even looking at him strangely, like more than friends, right in front of me! she didn't even see what she was doing, and still continues to deny it to this day. i don't know how to make her realize exactly what it was she was doing. i don't even think i care to make her realize anymore. i'm so tired of feeling this way. i'm with you, i'd rather get out now and save at least some dignity and years of my life, then to wait and have it all happen again 5 yrs from now. all it takes is one betrayal to destroy everything. what a waste. anyway, hope you've recovered and are doing better now for it. best of luck to you.
john30 Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 hey john... wow man, sorry to hear that you went through this crap too. was the guy that your wife did this with a friend of hers or someone she just met out of nowhere? in my case, the guy was a lifelong friend of my wife's since she was a child. it was someone from her neighborhood that she grew up with. i knew she was friends with him, but he was no where to be found for the first few years of our life together. it was only after she decided that she was unhappy with me that she started with him. texting, phone calls on her way to work, even looking at him strangely, like more than friends, right in front of me! she didn't even see what she was doing, and still continues to deny it to this day. i don't know how to make her realize exactly what it was she was doing. i don't even think i care to make her realize anymore. i'm so tired of feeling this way. i'm with you, i'd rather get out now and save at least some dignity and years of my life, then to wait and have it all happen again 5 yrs from now. all it takes is one betrayal to destroy everything. what a waste. anyway, hope you've recovered and are doing better now for it. best of luck to you. The guy was someone she met up with for just 4 days while filming a TV advert as an extra. I don't believe anything happened between them on that trip because she rang me everyday crying, saying she missed me and wanted to come home. This was 18 months before I saw the text messages. I know she used to email him from time to time but she used to show me some of the emails and it never bothered me (not a jealous kind of guy). It was about October last year when I noticed her behaviour had changed, shortly after that, I saw the messages. Next 3 months were hell, like you said, just lying and hiding things. Everytime you try to get them to understand what there doing is wrong you just push them further away because they just can't see it, there in too deep by that point to give a S**t about your feelings. The only way your going to make her think about what she's doing is to do what you have already done, move out and have as little to do with her as possible, your can't sit there and take that crap anymore, I did it for too long myself, tried to be the understanding hubby, thought she was depressed or suffering a mid-life thing, but mr nice guy just doesn't work. Keep doing what your doing, it's the only way for you I think. Don't hesitate to ask me anything about my breakup if you think it might help. John.
Author lantern_777 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 thanks for the input john. i am actually over 2 yrs later from when i found the text message. my wife had actually stopped all of her nonsense a while ago. she persisted for months after i found the first message, but it's been over a year easily since anything like this was going on. what happened is i woke up one day a couple months ago and just asked myself why are you still with someone that did that to you? and in that moment, i realized that i don't think i love her anymore. what i'm trying to sort through now is do i love her, and do i really want to be with her, or am i just with her because i am afraid to be alone and have co-dependency issues? i am going to get into IC and try to get some answers to these questions. the fact that 2 1/2 yrs after all this started, i'm still wondering why i'm with her, i think says loads. i am still really angry at her for doing this to me...but at the same time i feel extreme sadness that i am not with her. it's all stuff i have to sort out somehow, so that's why i'm out of the house now. it's not really because anything was still going on related to the EA. it's tough though, she is still friends with the guy, so anytime i hear mention of him, or see his car around town, it just all comes rushing back. i really don't want to spend my life always wondering about what may or may not have gone on...wondering if 2,3,4 yrs from now she might decide that she'd be better off with him. she says she wants to stay with me and go to counseling and work it out, but i'm just so scared of taking that chance. anyway, thanks again for the advice.
Gunny376 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 There's a certain limitation to where you've got a "break-even" point to where you can financially afford to keep doing and going through this? Granted? For Donald Trump and Bill Gates its infinate? But for the average Joe on the streets? A year ago? I would have told you to dump her like a bad habit? Its been around two years since I've been hanging around LS ~ and Jmargel, DRooster, LadyJane, TwoTallLegs, MzPixie and many others have had an infuence on my thinking ~ that and two books? "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, And Women Need A New Pair Of Shoes" along with "When Mars and Venus Collide" that in conjunction with two articles in the Feb 2007 edition of National Geographic and the 28 Jan 2008 edition of Times magazine has convinced me men and women are pre-disposed to be who they are and act as they do from birth. Which is why you need some "cave-time" (read the books ~ you'll have some "Ahah" moments!) And its going to be longer than two weeks! I would also recommend "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex, and Women Don't Get Enough Love" Personally I don't think you're ready for divorce? I think the two of you need a serious "time out" and re-educating?
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