Owl Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I'm just curious... Have any of the posters on this forum considered reading/researching information about affairs/infidelity to see how it applied in your own situation? Or is your situation "unique", and therefore this information wouldn't apply? I'm asking this, because another thread got me to thinking about how few people I've seen on LS in general that have actually taken the time to read/research anything on how affairs work, how emotional/physical attraction works, what the stages/processes of love are, etc... If a BS wanted to see how things looked through an OP's eyes, or if an OP wanted to try to understand what their MM/MW was thinking/going through, there are several good resources out there. I've read several, and it helped me tremendously in being able to cope with what I went through, as well as offer advice on this and similar forums. Has anyone here read: "Surviving an Affair" "His Needs/Her Needs" "Not Just Friends" "The Five Love Languages" ...and thought about how any of that applied in your own situation?
Trialbyfire Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 While I didn't read any books about it, I did rabidly source the internet, consuming some sites, all in one day. Then, I accidentally happened on LS. Also, I heavily relied on my support network of friends and family. I also went to see a therapist for a month and a half, to help with some issues I had problems getting beyond, by myself. The balance of the moving on, was time related. There's a time when you're ready to see the other perspective. Right after D-day would be the worst time to even consider, what a cheater goes through, considering your own emotional state. You might as well slit your wrists and submerge yourself in a large tub full of hot water, filled with bath salts full of anti-coagulants.
Author Owl Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 There's a time when you're ready to see the other perspective. Right after D-day would be the worst time to even consider, what a cheater goes through, considering your own emotional state. You might as well slit your wrists and submerge yourself in a large tub full of hot water, filled with bath salts full of anti-coagulants Depending on the person and their respective "place in the triangle", I'd agree. Most BS's couldn't handle trying to see the other perspectives immediately after d-day. Some can...I could...but many cannot. But they can still use the all the valid information on the dynamics of infidelity and the recovery plans in these resources to help themselves through the situation for sure.
White Flower Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I did read the 5 Love Languages and thought it was brilliant. I learned my H's but he didn't care to learn mine. He still doesn't know me after 20+ years. But that's OK; I am so over it now. Someone else will benefit from my knowledge of that resource. I also believe that not every marriage is meant to last. Some of us must move on in order to (fill in the blank) so that everyone who is connected can learn and grow from that experience. I no longer need the happy ending in order to feel successful or complete. Having said that, I would certainly have tried all those other resources you offered if I thought my H would have also given it a chance.
Author Owl Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 WF- I'd agree...not every marriage is recoverable...and not just as a result of infidelity. I'd still suggest reading them if you have an interest...simply because there is a lot of great information on how to safegaurd any future relationships you might have in there as well. Not to mention being able to understand "all three sides" of the triangle can go a long ways in posting advice on these forums.
LadyDi Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I didn't read any books, but like a previous poster I searched the internet and read all I could. I wanted to learn more about what the MM and his W were going thru after we had been discovered. I learned all about NC etc., and especially how we were going to work it out since we work in the same company. One of us has to go according to all that I read, easier said than done......
smartgirl Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I'm just curious... Have any of the posters on this forum considered reading/researching information about affairs/infidelity to see how it applied in your own situation? Or is your situation "unique", and therefore this information wouldn't apply? I'm asking this, because another thread got me to thinking about how few people I've seen on LS in general that have actually taken the time to read/research anything on how affairs work, how emotional/physical attraction works, what the stages/processes of love are, etc... If a BS wanted to see how things looked through an OP's eyes, or if an OP wanted to try to understand what their MM/MW was thinking/going through, there are several good resources out there. I've read several, and it helped me tremendously in being able to cope with what I went through, as well as offer advice on this and similar forums. Has anyone here read: "Surviving an Affair" "His Needs/Her Needs" "Not Just Friends" "The Five Love Languages" ...and thought about how any of that applied in your own situation? I have been researching constantly for the past two years -- books, internet, articles -- you name it. I find helpful information in all types of content, not just affair-specific. Of the affair-specific books I've read After the Affair, How Do I Forgive You, Surviving the Affair, Love Affairs (kind of strange but interesting) and I've glanced through others in the book store. Of relationship books I've read Mars and Venus in the Bedroom which helped us understand how our failures to understand each others mindset prior to the affair led to poor communication and understanding. I did some reading in the New Male Sexuality which was also very insightful in helping me to understand the male psychy especially with regard to love, sex and female relationships. I've done a lot of internet research and found some great stuff. The 8 Stages of Intimacy was a recent find. The MarriageBuilders.com site - excellent. Google various key words and combinations, i.e. "infatuation vs. love." A lot of my article reading has been to gain additional insight into how men approach love, sex and relationships. I was with the same man my entire adult life, and yet I did not understand that men and women have some basic differences in what makes them feel loved and appreciated. I have made a lot of discoveries that have improved the way we communicate and tend to each other. I have been able to pull useful information from a lot of different places and I recommend everyone do as much reading as possible. At first it was about understanding the affair - how it could have happened, how to navigate the recovery, etc. Since then it has been about improving our understanding of each other and how to get more out of our relationship.
OpenBook Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I read some of those books, and found all of them to be biased and slanted in favor of whatever moral point the author wanted to make. Then I started researching online, and found this place. I wanted to get all the insight I could as to why MM cheat, and how they feel about their W's and their OW's. It was a safe way to get inside my own MM's head, and run through different potential scenarios with him, without him ever having a clue. Now I feel like I've had a full-blown A with him (including D-Day and the aftermath)... and we haven't even done or said anything remotely close to it IRL!!:D Seriously, LoveShack has helped me more than any other source I've discovered so far. It's made me check my own behavior as well as understanding his. I'm so glad nothing's happened. But tomorrow is another day...
White Flower Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I read some of those books, and found all of them to be biased and slanted in favor of whatever moral point the author wanted to make. Then I started researching online, and found this place. I wanted to get all the insight I could as to why MM cheat, and how they feel about their W's and their OW's. It was a safe way to get inside my own MM's head, and run through different potential scenarios with him, without him ever having a clue. Now I feel like I've had a full-blown A with him (including D-Day and the aftermath)... and we haven't even done or said anything remotely close to it IRL!!:D Seriously, LoveShack has helped me more than any other source I've discovered so far. It's made me check my own behavior as well as understanding his. I'm so glad nothing's happened. But tomorrow is another day... I think you and I agree on this. Seeing so many different perspectives from lurking and being involved in many debates here at LS has really helped me learn a lot.
White Flower Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 WF- I'd agree...not every marriage is recoverable...and not just as a result of infidelity. I'd still suggest reading them if you have an interest...simply because there is a lot of great information on how to safegaurd any future relationships you might have in there as well. Not to mention being able to understand "all three sides" of the triangle can go a long ways in posting advice on these forums. I think I went into my A knowing a lot already from seeing it in my own family but have certainly learned more being on the inside looking out. However, you're right too and I certainly look forward to more reading.
Triarge Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I read the His Needs / Her Needs book after my own affair which helped me understand alot of things. It does make some good sense in places but I found some areas far from the truth in my own experience. The other point I'd make about the book is that its quite blunt. It would be torture to read it as a BS because it containes graphic stories of affairs to enable it to get its point across.
OpenBook Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 (edited) I think you and I agree on this. Seeing so many different perspectives from lurking and being involved in many debates here at LS has really helped me learn a lot. Yes, it's been a godsend! One of the most valuable lessons for me has been learning how to take his interest (i.e., the flirting, the looks that make my knees weak) with a huge grain of salt. It's not all about me. There's a huge amount of issues on his side that he's struggling with, that have nothing to do with me. Also the unexpected benefits from LoveShack... how some posters (e.g., one with a pretty name ;)) are kind to everyone, no matter what. It's inspirational! Edited March 26, 2008 by OpenBook
Mz. Pixie Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I have read His Needs/Her Needs and The Five love Languages and some other books. I've done IC getting to some of the roots of why I had my affair. I've done alot of research on the internet- reading and posting in a few forums.
cranium Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Read everything I could about infidelity at marriage builders. Both of us completed emotional needs questionnaires.. Plus The 5 Love Languages, If the Buddha Married, The Four Agreements, The Mastery of Love and The Way to Love. Since we’re still dealing with differences in libido (and apparently always will), I've read- Sex and the Perfect Lover, Extraordinary Sex Now and I’m currently reading The Sex Starved Marriage. I'm curious how many WS's read/research. My wife read some, but not proactively. My sexual fulfillment questionnaire from 3 years ago reads the same today.
Author Owl Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 Some good responses here. I'd have to agree...there isn't a book out there that isn't slanted in its own way with the author's viewpoints...ESPECIALLY any kind of "help" book. I don't feel that negates the value of them...especially if they're still based off well documented research. I'd also point out that someone's ability to 'accept that slant' is based on their OWN current slant on things. For example...my wife thought the whole marriagebuilders thing was a crock of "stuff" while she was still in her affair. The emotional needs, the "love bank" concept...etc...she thought is all a bunch of junk. Until she got OUT of the affair, and her mindset finally came back to "normal". Now she sees a ton of value in the stuff that's in there. But she couldn't accept something that pointed out the fact that she was WRONG for being emotionally involved with another man. It didn't support or substantiate her current goals and plans...so it was rejected out of hand. I think that the forums here and on other sites are good...to a degree. They can be great places to get a "reality check" sometimes. Unfortunately, there are also issues that go along with them. Too often, people who go onto forums will do the same thing I'd mentioned about the books...they'll reject out of hand any view that differs from what they WANT to hear. And they'll listen only to those who provide viewpoints that justify their own positions...and then start posting support for others in the same fashion. It makes it terribly easy for someone to 'justify' something that the majority of people clearly recognize as 'wrong'. You can find that validation and even support for ANYTHING on the internet. And its FAR EASIER to selectively listen via the web than it is in front of a counselor, or to find written material that justifies things that the vast majority of people don't support. Good replies...keep 'em coming!
White Flower Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Also the unexpected benefits from LoveShack... how some posters (e.g., one with a pretty name ;)) are kind to everyone, no matter what. It's inspirational! Aw, shucks OB! Thanks. LS has helped a lot; that's for sure. I've also found some wonderful new friends here including many BSs.
Author Owl Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 LS has helped a lot; that's for sure. I've also found some wonderful new friends here including many BSs. There are a lot of people here who say I'm just FULL of BS!
Mustang Sally Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I'm just curious... Have any of the posters on this forum considered reading/researching information about affairs/infidelity to see how it applied in your own situation? When I found myself being drawn to a MM that I work with, I started researching anything and everything (books, websites, e-books, etc.) that I could to try to gain insight into why I was feeling the way I was. That is what led me to this site in the first place. Or is your situation "unique", and therefore this information wouldn't apply? No, not at all. On the contrary, I think my situation is all too cliche and stereotypical. It was actually a tremendous relief to me to find out that many, many, many people struggle with the same issues as I did that led me to consider infidelity. It made me realize that my feelings are not uncommon, (almost like a developmental phase - for some of us) and can be dealt with successfully without crossing the line. Before that, I thought there was just something majorly weird about me that I was going through that process (not saying that it is ok, just that it is something a lot of people go through). Good topic, Owl. Interesting to read others' experiences.
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