skinnybrowngirl Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Hi I found this forum today by typing in somethig about husband low sex drive and got here. My problem is this. My sex drive is much higher than my husbands. When we were first together we were very active which is to be expected. Then it tailed off again which i felt was fine. But about 3 years in the sex dwindled to every 3 months or so whih I found really strange. i cried about it lots, asked him why- he said he didnt know and tried various things like sexy underwear etc. In the end I decided not to make it a focus of my life and bought a vibrator. Recently I dropped the extra 20lbs I was carrying too and have made more of an effort to be happy, smiley, compliment him and to keep my own busy life, no nagging etc and voila we are having sex again! I still enjoy porn and my vibe but he is best. But I am finding twice a week still too little. No matter what I do, he is just not up for it as much as I am. And when we do I confess he does not take the time to ensure I am satified. After two minutes he stops saying" don't move, I dont wanna come yet" then the next 5 mins are sex for 30 seconds, stop for 30 seconds until he cannot hold on. This does not satisfy me at all. Recently he told me he would like me to dress as a school girl so I got the outfit and teased him by showing it to him but am waiting till he initiates before putting it on but he has not tried anything yet. I am surprised, by the way he talked about it, I thought he would be chomping at the bit but no. Longstory short. I have spoken to him and I think his sexual performance will never return to what it was (length or frequency) and rather than emasculate him futher by going on I wonder should I just pay for sex on a regular basis instead? Or find an energetic young man to have fun with once or twice a week. I do feel guilty about cheating but I am feeling quite unhappy and very sexually frustrated. I have considered leaving my husband for someone who is better at sex but the bottom line is this: For me I know this is a phase for me and I will get tired of constant sex and want less so I dont want to throw away a good relationship and the father of my kids just to get shagged hard for a few years and then wonder what I did? The escort idea appeals to me more because I suppose it is a transaction- no feelings but obviously it is expensive so I wonder if maybe some young guy. I know of lots of men who would do me for free- I am attractive so if I pick an 18 year old who is sexually at his peak but not wanting to settle down then perhaps I have solved my problem? Please note I have never cheated before and normally would never consider it but I am desperate. I didnt sleep around before marriage which I now regret and I think this is making me want to do so much with my husband but he is not into it. Thanks for reading
Cobra_X30 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Hi I found this forum today by typing in somethig about husband low sex drive and got here. My problem is this. My sex drive is much higher than my husbands. Your getting hit up already! You won't have any problems finding an extra lover... but will that really fix your problem? Not really, it will just complicate things and make them worse. The easy way is usually the worst option. Look, cheating will emasculate him more than anything. Can't remember the last time I met a guy that said he didn't want to be good at sex. It sounds like the issue boils down to emotional stuff anyway. I think your H is more than fixable. Are you willing to do the work?
Stockalone Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Longstory short. I have spoken to him and I think his sexual performance will never return to what it was (length or frequency) and rather than emasculate him futher by going on I wonder should I just pay for sex on a regular basis instead? Depending on the guy, cheating can be considered even more cruel that actually trying to cut his d*ck off because the cheating is far more perfidious. If you are unsure about what to do, I suggest telling your husband that you want someone else to get your needs fullfilled. If he has some pride left in him, he will divorce you and you will no longer have to worry about not emasculating him any further.
Author skinnybrowngirl Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Yes, Cobra I am willing to do the work definitely. I have tried dressing up and giving him lots of bj's, being a nicer person, having more hobbies, no nagging. What else should I be trying? I am willing I just dont know what else to do. I get really tearful sometimes and porn and the rest do not satisfy me like a good hard shag would. I wonder though , am I flogging a dead horse and should I just seek sex elesewhere? Obviously I would be discreet and I doubt any man is going to go psycho like some OW and start declaring love, marriage and for me to leave my marriage.
Author skinnybrowngirl Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Part of me wonders too should I just shut up and put up? I mean I have managed for the past 5 years. Should I just accept that this is it for me and I have missed my chance to have a great, frequent sex life?
Cobra_X30 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Yes, Cobra I am willing to do the work definitely. I have tried dressing up and giving him lots of bj's, being a nicer person, having more hobbies, no nagging. What else should I be trying? I am willing I just dont know what else to do. I get really tearful sometimes and porn and the rest do not satisfy me like a good hard shag would. I wonder though , am I flogging a dead horse and should I just seek sex elesewhere? Obviously I would be discreet and I doubt any man is going to go psycho like some OW and start declaring love, marriage and for me to leave my marriage. First, I laud all of the steps you have taken thus far. However, these are all changes that YOU have made... and while it has been fairly successful, there is still a problem. What you need to do is make HIM take some action. He needs to make the changes. Force him to make that effort first, only then should you give up on him. Going to someone else, simply wont be as fulfilling, and while you can tell yourself right now that you can keep emotions out... most others can't. Also, you would be very surprised at how attached and crazy some men will get! Part of me wonders too should I just shut up and put up? I mean I have managed for the past 5 years. Should I just accept that this is it for me and I have missed my chance to have a great, frequent sex life? The answer to that is a resounding NO. Why? Because I really doubt that is what your H wants as well. Do you really think he is just anti-sex? It's like a wild river with highs, lows, and occasional floods! Right now there is a dam.... and the water only trickles through. Find the dam, blow it up.
Stockalone Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Part of me wonders too should I just shut up and put up? I mean I have managed for the past 5 years. Should I just accept that this is it for me and I have missed my chance to have a great, frequent sex life? If you aren't satisfied with your sex life and you can't reach a compromise that is acceptable to the both of you, why not do the honorable thing and get a divorce if the sex is more important to you? The way I see it, if you are betraying your husband and start an affair, you you are making a fool out of him and thus you make the life he leads (that includes him being a father) foolish too. I can't understand how someone could do that to a person they claim to love. Nobody deserves this. Maybe this is only me, but I would much rather be left by a SO than be forced to live a lie without even knowing it. Granted, I am not a parent nor am I married but I am sure that this wouldn't change the way I think about cheating.
JamesM Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I still enjoy porn and my vibe but he is best. But I am finding twice a week still too little. No matter what I do, he is just not up for it as much as I am. And when we do I confess he does not take the time to ensure I am satified. After two minutes he stops saying" don't move, I dont wanna come yet" then the next 5 mins are sex for 30 seconds, stop for 30 seconds until he cannot hold on. This does not satisfy me at al As a guy who lives in a "sex once a week or every other week" marriage, I do sympathize with your dilemma. However, twice a week is not a sexless marriage in very many people's book. The concern here is mismatched libidos. Two questions arise...why do you NEED it more than twice a week to the point that you will cheat, and how often is enough for you? Then I think I will be the first to defend your husband. I feel his pain. Truthfully, if we had sex twice a week, then I would be satisfied. More than that may make it too much depending on my work schedule. As it is if I have to get up early in the morning, this does put a damper on having any sort of long lovemaking. In his case, I guarantee he feels the pressure of not meeting your needs. The second part I highlighted is a big red flag to me. I am guessing that one can call this Premature Ejaculation. Have the two of you tried to work on ways to reduce this? Someone else posted here that Cialis can help reduce the PE problem. (Anyone else have this experience?) My solution for you is to work on his performance issues in a way that will not demean him further. It is a concern pf his even if he does not tell you. And if he feels that his performance is not enough for you, then this will have an impact on him wanting to increase this performance problem more by having sex more. So, what is his work schedule like? Does he have TIME for more sex? What can be done about his performance issues? Do you love him enough to determine what can be done at home before looking elsewhere?
mark982 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 has your husband been checked up by dr.? could possible have low testerone levels,which do affect your wanting sex.but whats gets me is not only do you want to cheat on him,you want to take the family $$ and do it(hiring escort).
Titanguy Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I smell a fishing expedition going on here and you guys are all taking the bait. You know they make these little blue pills now that makes that things go like the energizer bunny. If that is not enough for you then maybe you should consider a career in the "film" business.....:bunny:
MarriedLife Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I have considered leaving my husband for someone who is better at sex but the bottom line is this: For me I know this is a phase for me and I will get tired of constant sex Actually you will probably NOT get tired of the sex and it will be GOOD, it will be HOT, it will be INTENSE and when you allow yourself to get emotionally entangled you will fall into a delusional affair fog. I was the other stud guy brought in to spice things up and fill voids. Emotions got involved and the wife I was sleeping with filed for divorce from her husband. I think you should communicate your needs to your husband. Think things through, see a therapist. Then if you're still feeling like sexual unequals perhaps you and your husband should research "the lifestyle" and see if the alternative is right for you.
Darth Vader Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Lady, get your poor hubby some meds to help him in that area, then ride him till morning! Don't cheat!
TMCM Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 It seems that you are a decent person and I can tell you that once you start having an affair to satisfy your sexual hunger, you may find that the guilt you'll experience may be more than you bargained for. The lies and deceit hurt much, much more than the extra-marital sex for they destroy the most important thing a couple has: Trust. It would be much better if you and your husband came to a creative solution like swinging or an "open marriage" than to go behind his back. These solutions may not be long termed but they are less likely to mortally wound your marriage than an affair(s) can. Lastly, your husbands physical well being is of paramount importance for not only his sake but for yours and your children's. Encourage him to get a complete physical and to adopt a healthier lifestyle. Who knows, maybe by showing him how much you care about his health, you may end up solving your problem.
Darth Vader Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 (edited) What I'm trying to say here is, get your husband to a doctor get him some blue pills, or pink, silver, or whatever color kind make or model, who knows lady, your hubby make make you go right to sleep afterward, and still want more! There's all kinds of meds out there, but, you gotta get him to go to the doctor, then get the pills and play doctor!;):bunny::love: I wouldn't go swinging if I were you, after all what benifit would your hubby get, knowing that you're riding some other man? HINT Get hubby the MEDS! Edited March 27, 2008 by Darth Vader
mark982 Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 you can give him all the pills you want. she said that her husband does not want sex. giving him a pill is not going to make him want sex,she did not mention if there was any e.d. in the picture,so i'd really suggest dr. with blood work to include testerone levels, and e2 levels.
twice_shy Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Hi I found this forum today by typing in somethig about husband low sex drive and got here. My problem is this. My sex drive is much higher than my husbands. When we were first together we were very active which is to be expected. Then it tailed off again which i felt was fine. But about 3 years in the sex dwindled to every 3 months or so whih I found really strange. i cried about it lots, asked him why- he said he didnt know and tried various things like sexy underwear etc. In the end I decided not to make it a focus of my life and bought a vibrator. Recently I dropped the extra 20lbs I was carrying too and have made more of an effort to be happy, smiley, compliment him and to keep my own busy life, no nagging etc and voila we are having sex again! I still enjoy porn and my vibe but he is best. But I am finding twice a week still too little. No matter what I do, he is just not up for it as much as I am. And when we do I confess he does not take the time to ensure I am satified. After two minutes he stops saying" don't move, I dont wanna come yet" then the next 5 mins are sex for 30 seconds, stop for 30 seconds until he cannot hold on. This does not satisfy me at all. Recently he told me he would like me to dress as a school girl so I got the outfit and teased him by showing it to him but am waiting till he initiates before putting it on but he has not tried anything yet. I am surprised, by the way he talked about it, I thought he would be chomping at the bit but no. Longstory short. I have spoken to him and I think his sexual performance will never return to what it was (length or frequency) and rather than emasculate him futher by going on I wonder should I just pay for sex on a regular basis instead? Or find an energetic young man to have fun with once or twice a week. I do feel guilty about cheating but I am feeling quite unhappy and very sexually frustrated. I have considered leaving my husband for someone who is better at sex Well then for @#$# sake leave him then, because listening to you talk about it makes me wanna
ketostix Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I was wondering if most women hold sexual fulfiment important in relationships and marriages? I have the opposite problem right now-not enough sex because I'm not in a relationship. But now this got me worried if maybe girls have broken up with because I'm not as good in bed as i thought I was? I mean it seemed like I was very proficient in that department. Could this be a possibility. I thought women didn't care about sex that much.
Quiksilver ca Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 ketostix, the fact of the matter is that most women want to be nailed to the bed and left completely satisfied. Ask your girls what gets them off, what their position is, what their deepest darkest fantasy is, what turns them off, what gets their juices flowing. Most of the trouble with an unfulfilled sex life by both men and women is a lack of communication. It is almost taboo among many couples to discuss sex. Sex is normal and should be seen as such. You should be able to talk about sex like you talk about sports(even with your girl). Share your fantasies and after three or four partners you'll start to understand what women tend to like and what really gets them puffing and panting.
BladeSteel Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Share your fantasies and after three or four partners you'll start to understand what women tend to like and what really gets them puffing and panting. This is a very important point Quiksilver, well said. Women respond sexually, to a guy that's sexually confident and knows what he's doing. This is why I advise not to take women seriously until you have sex with them. If you nail them, and they enjoy it, you will get that twinkle in the eye, deer in the headlights, look from them, they are hooked! To get better you just have to get out there and do it. Practice makes perfect.
ketostix Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 ketostix, the fact of the matter is that most women want to be nailed to the bed and left completely satisfied. Ask your girls what gets them off, what their position is, what their deepest darkest fantasy is, what turns them off, what gets their juices flowing. Most of the trouble with an unfulfilled sex life by both men and women is a lack of communication. It is almost taboo among many couples to discuss sex. Sex is normal and should be seen as such. You should be able to talk about sex like you talk about sports(even with your girl). Share your fantasies and after three or four partners you'll start to understand what women tend to like and what really gets them puffing and panting. You know what I didn't talk about sex much. I just would initiate it. I was thinking talking about sex might make the girl get defensive, but I think after all ready starting dating I should've talked about it a lot more. I think not discussing what we both liked and wanted sexually was probably a mistake.
TMCM Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 skinnybrowngirl, I believe that Quiksilver ca hit the nail on the head with the following: Most of the trouble with an unfulfilled sex life by both men and women is a lack of communication. It is almost taboo among many couples to discuss sex. Though your posts show that there is communication between you and your husband regarding this issue, it seems to be swept under the rug once some time has passed by (which seems typical of many high-low libido marriages). Now this may work for your husband but it certainly doesn't for you because you are still the only one dealing with the issue and thus you wouldn't be here in a forum full of strangers explaining your dilemma. So what to do? Well you can always issue him an ultimatum to increase the quantity and quality of the sexual encounters you both have but that will mostly backfire on you as it will most likely push him into withdrawal and resent you for doing it (which ironically can leave him vulnerable to having an affair of his own). So nix the ultimatums altogether and instead opt for more dialog with your husband and consider slowly introducing sexual fantasies that may include flirting and having sex with other men. If he, like some men, becomes excited with these type of fantasies, it may improve the quality and quantity of your lovemaking to the point where the overwhelming desire for extra-marital sex may diminish enough where it no longer is an issue. Sometimes the desire for more sex MAY actually be a cry for more attention, affection and appreciation from the other spouse.
hurtzdonit Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Ya know if you do decide to go ahead and find some one to "nail you to the bed" what have you gained? A few pleasurable O's? Maybe a few earth shatteringly intense? Have you weighed the risk to reward ratio? I keep seeing how can you do that to someone you love? on LS, but to be honest I think you truly can love someone and still do that to them. You just don't have any respect for them as a spouse or a lover. (or could be that's just how I justify my current problems.) It seems, from your posts, that you do love your H, but you have little, if any, respect for him as a lover. What part would you rather have, the emotional connection or the physical act? You said 2 -3 minutes and he's struggling to remain in control. Maybe theres something medically going on there, and it's affecting his sex drive. If you look at it from his point, he has to know you are not satisfied with 2 -3 minutes, if he can't control it, he knows he can't satisfy you, if he can't satisfy you he would rather abstain from sex. I mean, would you continue to enjoy sex if you knew you weren't satisfying your partner(s)? I would say talk this crap out before you make the mistake of a life time. *ketostix* If you don't have a "steady" partner that you can learn all her "spots", your gonna have to talk about it, before or during, so you know what "she" wants. Wam-bam-thank-you-ma'am may scratch the itch, but the "oh man, that was ggoooddd" will keep you both coming back for more.
Darth Vader Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 you can give him all the pills you want. she said that her husband does not want sex. giving him a pill is not going to make him want sex,she did not mention if there was any e.d. in the picture,so i'd really suggest dr. with blood work to include testerone levels, and e2 levels. Whatever kind of help he gets is better than her Banging some other man! It would certainly kill their marriage.
annieo Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Ketostix, omg, are you serious? Where did you pick up this misinformation? Yes, women like sex, too. The way it makes you feel, it's the same for most of us. I wish my husband would stop playing WOW right now, come in here and tell me to take my clothes off ... Oh, no, I may have the same problem (tonight) as OP! Time to go pry the mouse from his big, strong hand.
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