JLT123 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I made a post about this a while ago, hoping I wouldn't be back here talking about it again since I was hoping things would either further themselves on, or I would've been able to do a disconnect and move on with my life. Neither has happened, and it feels like I'm in complete and utter agony. My girlfriend and I of around 2 years recently stopped seeing each other. We've had a lot of problems that aren't really important in any of this, but the end result is I don't want to be with her anymore, and where once I could've said with confidence that the reason we broke up was because I couldn't work through the issues we had, I'm now pretty convinced it's because I've fallen for someone else, and it's put me in easily the worst situation of 'want, but can't have' I think I've ever been in, and it feels as though it's tearing me up from the inside out. I started talking to a girl from work when I was still dating my ex. We really were just friends. Never hung out outside of work, but talked all the time, chatted through myspace, etc. She recently (within the past 6 months) broke up with her boyfriend of about 5 years, and they still have limited contact, which is probably not a good thing, though I have limited contact with my ex, too. She invited me out one night to meet her and some of her friends out at the bar, so myself and a couple of friends of mine did. She found me there and we hung out all night together. We were pretty drunk, but ended up making out that night. I chalked it up to the alcohol, but still, I don't she's really one to kiss just anyone. We didn't talk outside of work for around two weeks after that, then we started talking on the phone and texting each other regularily. She seemed very interested at first, things she would say, texts she would send, etc, then things started to simmer down a bit, which is pretty normal. She basically told me she's happy being single, which I respected. I mean, when you're with someone for 5 years it's going to take at least a little while to move on I would think, but whatever. She's also made comments in the past that there are certain things she looks for, like a guy that doesn't have a kid, which I do, though he doesn't live with me full time, and she also said it's not something she would use as a means to eliminate someone completely from the dating equation. Anyway, as time has kind of worn on, we've hung out more and more. She'll come over and we'll chat and talk about everything and anything. She invited me out for St. Patty's Day and we had a great time together, and though she was there with her friends and I had to show up stag, she kept saying how good I smelled or how good I looked, and she's flat out said she thinks I'm attractive and that I'm "her type". I'm not familiar nor do I know anyone in her family, and last week she invited me over to her mom's house for Easter dinner yesterday, which I excepted after initially turning it down. I thought it was a good sign, but she also said she felt bad for me since I was use to going to my ex's house. She could've been just being nice, or there's more to it, I'm not sure. It's becomming more and more that I can't be around her without feeling the urge to hold her. That I can't look her in the eyes without feeling some sappy longing that you only read about in those bad romance novels. My stomach flips over when I see her, I get excited when I know she's coming over and I actually like who I am because how she makes me feel when I'm around her. It's a stupid, highschool like attraction that I haven't felt since forever, and while I wish it were as simple as labeling it as that, the end result is that I'm now a grown man who's entire life has become driven by what I can do to make this girl happy. Whether that's good or bad, it's honestly nothing I can say I've felt before. It's 100% attraction and 100% compatibility, and even though I've in a round about way talked with her about dating, I've never really laid it all on the table. We're good friends, and I love hanging out with her in that context, and I'm sure telling her how I feel will probably end all that, but from a self presevation standpoint, I don't know as though I can continue on like this. Maybe waiting it out to see if anything more develops would work, play it cool and non-chalant, but even when I've made a point to be non-chalant or cool, she'll text me if I'm 'mad at her'. If I get stuck in some plutonic friend zone, where she meets another guy and I'm on the sidelines, it would be very hard on me, 'cause if this is just a crush, I'm certain I'll never be able to handle the real thing. I would welcome advice, though I'm not necessarily asking for it. I suppose I just needed to relay a situation that most here have been in, and I'm sure can relate to.
serial muse Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I'm not clear about why you haven't actually asked her out yet? I know you wrote that she said she's happy being single, etc., but it also sounds like you guys have been dancing around each other without ever officially laying it on the line, and that's the sort of thing a person might say when she's unsure of where you stand. Why don't you just ask her out on an official date (not "hanging out with friends") and see what happens?
Author JLT123 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 I have, and the response I always received was "we'll see", which as it turns out actually means 'no', since it hasn't happened. Once we were going to meet for dinner and something came up on her end, and another time I was supposed to make her dinner, and something else came up. I don't think she was lying, but the truth of the matter is she's made it pretty clear that taking her out to dinner is pretty much a next step she doesn't want to take, though everything else she's done makes me believe otherwise.
serial muse Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I have, and the response I always received was "we'll see", which as it turns out actually means 'no', since it hasn't happened. Once we were going to meet for dinner and something came up on her end, and another time I was supposed to make her dinner, and something else came up. I don't think she was lying, but the truth of the matter is she's made it pretty clear that taking her out to dinner is pretty much a next step she doesn't want to take, though everything else she's done makes me believe otherwise. Gotcha, I see. Well then...distance is often the best medicine for a crush. As hard as it is, I think that putting distance between you - just don't be available to hang out for a while - would probably be the best way for you to keep your sanity and avoid being friend-zoned at the same time. Chances are that she'll be at least casually dating other guys soon, if not already, and I can see how that would be hard on you. Don't put yourself through that - just give yourself some much needed space from this situation. If she responds with hurt and you feel the mood is right, you could lay it on the line, as you said in your OP you haven't fully done. But I think maybe the first step would be for you to pull back and get some perspective, give yourself some room to figure out if she's really perfect for you or if it's a combination of being on the rebound and/or lonely, having a crush and even enjoying, to some extent, the uncertainty and high emotion of the current situation (after the end of a LTR, that can be a heady thing). So I'd say, first, step back for a few weeks, don't hang out with her (at all if possible) and think about where you are. Then, if you still want to try and she's actively pursuing you, too, consider telling her that being friends with her just isn't what you want. And if she doesn't feel the same, it's too difficult for you right now and you hope she understands.
Author JLT123 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Gotcha, I see. Well then...distance is often the best medicine for a crush. As hard as it is, I think that putting distance between you - just don't be available to hang out for a while - would probably be the best way for you to keep your sanity and avoid being friend-zoned at the same time. Chances are that she'll be at least casually dating other guys soon, if not already, and I can see how that would be hard on you. Don't put yourself through that - just give yourself some much needed space from this situation. If she responds with hurt and you feel the mood is right, you could lay it on the line, as you said in your OP you haven't fully done. But I think maybe the first step would be for you to pull back and get some perspective, give yourself some room to figure out if she's really perfect for you or if it's a combination of being on the rebound and/or lonely, having a crush and even enjoying, to some extent, the uncertainty and high emotion of the current situation (after the end of a LTR, that can be a heady thing). So I'd say, first, step back for a few weeks, don't hang out with her (at all if possible) and think about where you are. Then, if you still want to try and she's actively pursuing you, too, consider telling her that being friends with her just isn't what you want. And if she doesn't feel the same, it's too difficult for you right now and you hope she understands. You are 100% correct, and you give sound advice... doing it all, obviously, is another story.
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