besidemyself Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I had thought that I would really never hear from her again, but out of the blue, she calls me. I was actually thinking about her and all of the sudden, the phone rings and up comes a number I didn't recognize and I pick it up and it's her. I was totally surprised because I told her 9 months ago I didn't want to talk to her again because it hurt me too much knowing that being friends was not going to work for me. There have been times between that I wanted to talk to her, but I didn't because I was afraid I would just get shot down again or find out she was with someone else and I knew that would just hurt me even more. Before I went into NC, I wrote her a goodbye letter pouring my heart out to her explaining how I felt about her and I cried a lot about not being able to have this girl in my life the way I wanted. She never really gave me a good excuse as to why she didn't want a relationship, but I knew if I hung around, I would only get more hurt and lose any self-respect I already had. It made me feel like she had no feelings for me because she just didn't give me any indication that she wanted anything more from me and I thought that was that. Fast forward to last week when she called me. I answered and I was very calm and my voice didn't waiver of crack and I wasn't emotional at all. She was her same sweet self and I will admit I liked hearing her voice again. But before she had a chance or I had a chance to ask her why she was calling since she knew how crazy I was about her and I mean what I say when I wanted no more to do with her, I had to tell her something that had happened to me recently that has devastated me. A few weeks ago, my father passed away suddenly from cancer and it has been the worst time of my life. She felt so sorry for me and kept apologizing and told me to let her know if there was anything she could do and to call her. Now, not only do I have to deal with these feelings of losing my father and keeping it together for my mom and run a business, she comes back into the picture. I still have feelings for this girl, but I don't know what to do. After 9 months, she calls me and I am afraid to know what she wants. I specifically told her I do not want to be her friend in the letter because I was in love with her and now she calls me and I have never made any attempt to contact her. When we did go out, we got along fantastic and it was like I was on cloud 9. I don't know if she got scared because she saw I was falling for her and that's why she backed away. I am just wondering what she wants and I am confused as s***. I would love to be with this girl again, but I can't take that kind of heartbreak at this point in my life. All I know is that I have never met anyone who drove me this wild in my life and if she is just calling to check up and nothing else, than I don't think I want to pursue this again. Like I said, I know people on here say no second chances, but there was never any harsh words said and never any cheating, just a lot of confusion and frustration. How do I deal w/ this? Do I call her again or do I let her call me and let her be the one who comes back to me?
Lishy Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Why don't you just do whatever you want to do! We only have one life so do what you want! BUT be aware that you could get hurt all over again!
sedona Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Sure, you can wait until she calls again. But if this is going to drive you crazy in the meantime, then give her a call and say what you wrote here -- that you realized that you had never found out why she was calling you because you were so upset by other things going on in your life. But now you'd like to know what she was going to say to you. She broke NC for a reason, which never came out because of your news. If that happened to me, then I'd want to find out why she called and then take it from there -- either NC again or contact. Good luck to you.
CaliGuy Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Sorry about your dad, bro. I went through something similar a few years ago with my mom and losing someone. Nine months is an aweful long time to go without contact. My guess is things aren't working out with the new guy so she's just testing the waters with you. If I were you, I would really consider not talking to her.
themessenger Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 (edited) I say give her a call but just no what your getting your self into. Don't raise the bar very high as far as expectations go and come off as indiffernt. Caliguy doesn't ever seem to think something good could come out of this. But I've seen it happen. So what if things arenb't going well with the other guy. GOOD. just don't let her turn you into a fulltime emotional tampon. and don't put all your eggs in her basket. If thats to much for you to handle. then maybe your doomed. Edited March 24, 2008 by themessenger
0hpenelope Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I'm so sorry about your loss, OP. Perhaps because of this major event in your life, it served to re-hash that comfort you felt when you were with her. You saying this: I would love to be with this girl again, but I can't take that kind of heartbreak at this point in my life. That's huge. That's good. If my ex did that for me, I would just chalk it up to "I wish it were this way, but his phone call is merely a coincidence and he called at the right time when I needed comfort." I think you're in a really vulnerable position right now, so perhaps thanking her for the unexpected phone call and show of support is the way to go and then just keep moving along. At the very least, she'll know that you're gracious and grateful for the support. Anything hopeful is possible, but approach it with extreme caution - guarded heart and all that. As you said, you don't need another heartbreak. Just my two cents. Take care of yourself and my condolences to you and your family.
CaliGuy Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Caliguy doesn't ever seem to think something good could come out of this. But I've seen it happen. Very rarely does it happen. Unless they come back on their knees begging for forgiveness, anything they say or do is merely going to delay one's healing. I'd say the odds of most people reconciling is about 5%. If you think those are good odds and want to risk delaying healing for that minute chance, go for it. It's not my happiness that's at stake here. It's his. He is free to choose as he desires and he also has to accept the consequences.
Author besidemyself Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Thanks for the responses everybody. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I am not quite sure what to do. When I last contacted her I did make it clear that friends was not an option and basically she knows exactly where I am coming from. I have tried dating so many other women, but they just don't compare and I have really tried so hard. I live in DC where dating is very difficult because a lot of women are looking for high powered (money and connected) men and it's kind of sickening. She is not like that at all and that is one of the reasons why I like her so much. I just have to figure out how to approach her as to what her intentions are and go from there. Maybe she realized that the funniest guy she ever met who always respected her was what she was looking for and it just took disappearing out of her life for some time for her to realize it. But I won't know if I don't take that chance like she did in contacting me.
crystalapixy Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 i am sorry about your father. i know how that feels. my father passed away also. as far as your situation is concerned, proceed with caution. i would advise you not to be very available to her, it might get you hurt, and the fact that she didn't contact you for such a long time is pretty selfish, i believe. what was her motivation for speaking to you now? has she been in a relationship? is she looking at this as a safety net? just take it easy. one day at a time. you have more important things to worry about. i agree with the other member who said life is too short, but it is also too short to be spending time with someone who just might hurt you again...but hey, if you still love her, all you can do is try. good luck dear.
Joebo Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 My condolences, I too lost my father and so I feel for you. Its obviously a very difficult time in your life. I would not want to give out advice that may end up with you being hurt. However, sometimes fate hands us a little lifeline to counteract the heartaches we suffer. I am by no means suggesting that you should make efforts to reconcile with her but there is no harm in testing the water. If you really love her then you will always wonder if you don't get in touch now. However, as others have said, proceed with caution as you do not want to expose yourself to that pain all over again. Best of luck. Take care, JB.
CaliGuy Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Thanks for the responses everybody. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and I am not quite sure what to do. When I last contacted her I did make it clear that friends was not an option and basically she knows exactly where I am coming from. I have tried dating so many other women, but they just don't compare and I have really tried so hard. I live in DC where dating is very difficult because a lot of women are looking for high powered (money and connected) men and it's kind of sickening. She is not like that at all and that is one of the reasons why I like her so much. I just have to figure out how to approach her as to what her intentions are and go from there. Maybe she realized that the funniest guy she ever met who always respected her was what she was looking for and it just took disappearing out of her life for some time for her to realize it. But I won't know if I don't take that chance like she did in contacting me. Well my friend if you approach life with a self-defeatist attitude you will have a hard time succeeding. Yes, there are plenty of women after power or money. Be grateful you can recognize and steer clear of them. You WILL meet someone even better than your ex WHEN you are ready. Not a minute before. And you will never get over your ex if you think there will be no one like her. The fact is there are many women who are a better fit for you than your ex was. And you also need to remember that your ex wasn't perfect. She was human and had her faults. She probably had some annoying personal habits that bothered the crap out of you. I bet you have just forgotten about them. My ex, she rarely showered. Sometimes would go days without shaving her legs. She always seemed to have a booger poking out of her nose. Not to mention she was insatiable. Any time she met a man and started dating she'd have her radar on for someone better (it's still going on). She's untrustworthy and generally not a good person. I can think of a million reasons why I shouldn't be with my ex and a few that kept me around. If you start to look at your ex objectively, it will be a lot easier to get over her. She wasn't perfect. She wasn't the best. She's not the only woman out there for you. Cheers.
GlamourBabe Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Caliguy that cracked me up....a booger...ewwww lol
CaliGuy Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Caliguy that cracked me up....a booger...ewwww lol But it's true. Haha. When I remind myself of that, if I ever think of her fondly, it reminds me that she was far from perfect. And boogers were the LEAST of her issues
Author besidemyself Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 Okay, she did bathe and there were no boogers, but that really isn't the point. I can live with a person's little annoying habits because I certainly have mine as well as I'm sure you all have yours. Everyone has their s*** and if you pick apart a person for every little thing, then you will never find anyone. I kind of like the imperfections anyway. She did reach out to me, so I will approach this with caution and find out where it leads. All I know is that I am not a game player and I think she obviously knows this by now and maybe this was the kick in the pants that will make her realize that something could come of this. I don't put up w/ bulls*** from anyone (men or women) and everyone I know knows that and they respect that about me. If you treat me right, I will always be there for you, but if I sense any kind of game playing or lying from male or female, I'm gone. Life is too short to not act like a human being and you can either come along for the ride or I will leave you in the dust!
Uchiha Sasuke Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 (edited) Life's too short. Stop wasting your time on someone who wants to keep you around just to make themselves feel important. I'll let you in on a little secret: Women don't like to be hated. It bothers them. Women want to be loved and accepted. The fact that she called you and you picked up and wanted to hang out gives her nothing but VALIDATION. You are stroking her ego by pouring yourself out to her. This makes her feel good. But how does she reciprocate? Yeah that's right! She doesn't. Did it ever occur to you that some women like to follow up on their exes just to see if they've done better than what they had? She might be curious to see that you've found someone better. If not, sometimes it gives her a glow. Ooooh. All you're doing is giving and giving. It's not like wrong for her to accept what you give, but realize you're only hurting yourself and feeding her ego. Move on buddy!! Keep NC for yourself and become better than you are!! Edited March 26, 2008 by Uchiha Sasuke
pigeonsid Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Besidemyself - I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mother a few years ago, and I am still grieving for her. From my own experience - the year after my mum passed, also from cancer - I was a wreck. I was extremely lonely and overwhelmed by grief, and I was desperately seeking someone who was going to make me feel better. I now see that I didn't find a relationship until well after a year later because I was in no condition to be in a relationship. I needed all that energy for myself, and it felt like crap, but it was because I was grieving and needed to go through that. I felt so lonely in that time, but having dealt with another death in the family while I was in my last relationship - I've realised that the loneliness doesn't go away when you are in a relationship. Another person can't alleviate the pain of grief, you just have to somehow process it by yourself. And what I found in my last relationship was that the death tipped the balance - it put a lot of extra pressure on my relationship, and it was an indirect factor that led to my ex leaving me. I guess what I'm saying is to think really carefully if you can handle having your ex back in your life. If you can't handle your relationship with her falling apart once again and having her leave you, then don't expose yourself to that potential pain, especially at this time in your life. You need to really take care of yourself right now and emotionally, you're already dealing with a lot. I also just want to warn you that, if your ex does want to come back then the relationship is going to need even more effort than last time because you guys have baggage from the split. The timing may also not be right for rekindling the relationship because if your father recently passed away, then you are not going to have a lot of extra to give someone else. (And you shouldn't because having your father pass away is a huge event.) Make sure that she knows what she's getting into as well, and if you guys decide to restart the relationship then make sure, for your own sake, that she's really willing to be in there for the long haul and to help get you through this. Good luck.
Author besidemyself Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 I did talk to her again the other day and it was a good conversation. I didn't bring up why she called in the first place because I just wanted to see if she was going to bring it up on her own which she didn't. So at this point, I am not going to do anything but just think of her as just another girl I know. I will not pursue it at all which is fine with me because there are other things on my mind at the moment. If she wants to persue anything with me, she is going to have to be the one who makes all the moves because I will not go there again and open myself up like I did. Nothing says I can't be friendly which is how I am anyway, but I also don't have to give anything away either. I know she misses me, but she just can't come out and say it. I have had enough game playing and I am not one who likes playing them so it's back to what I was doing before and just living my life. She knew how crazy I was about her and if she wants anything again, there will have to be some hoops inolved and she is going to have to do some jumping if she wants me to even consider a second chance.
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