Author ThumbingMyWay Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 ....Until she cheats on you again. what ever man, everyone has there outlook and your entitled to yours. sometimes you have to have faith and i have that living in doubt, bitterness and fear doesnt work for me. and I believe people can change and people can work at relationships. We will both do our parts and we will both succeed. your negativity doesnt penetrate me. read this: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke%208:4-15;&version=31;
Owl Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Well, looks like TMW and I will have to take that chance. I completely agree with his posts...and am (have been) at the same point he's at in marital recovery. What's interesting is this...there's no garauntee that if he/I were to move on to another relationship that we wouldn't be cheated on THEN, either. Either you rebuild your relationship and your trust...or you don't. We've chosen to do so. We acknowledge that the risk of being hurt again does exist, but we feel that the work that we've done (along with our wives) makes it worth it to try. Darknight...are YOU in a relationship right now? If so...how do you know that you're not being cheated on RIGHT NOW? REALLY? WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART...KNOW, BEYOND ANY SHADOW OF ANY DOUBT???? You don't. There aren't any garauntees anywhere. The difference here is...both TMW and I have had DECADES of good marriage prior to the affairs that our spouses got caught up in. That's one heck of a foundation to rebuild a marriage from. We know what it can be like when things are good...we know what we've done to 'affair-proof' our relationships. What have you done to "affair-proof" yours? Its a risk...but its a calculated one. I'm with you, TMW.
Darth Vader Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Yes, now she does. Recovery period was very difficult for both of us. This was NOT easy to do. but we did it and I nor she regrets staying together, we are thankfull we did and thankfull we have come closer. And yes she has read LS some. And she knows all to well, the opinion people have of her and what she did. And she knows she f'ed up big time. Her eyes are wide open now. During affair and post affair, she was how do you say, in a very deep fog. She admits she wasnt HER during that time. She was very selfish, she admits all of this. Believe me she is very remorse NOW, everyone has there own timeline. But as WWIU said, she wasnt in a good place inside her mind and now looking back, she is disgusted with what she did and still hurts to even think about what she did to me, our family and to herself. She lives with it and she is well aware of what she did. Thank you for the respect. Like I have said. Some people can and some people cant repair a marraige after infidelity. For what ever reason, I could and she could. Cant explain it, everyone has there threshold I guess. I know some people may think I was a little weak during this whole ordeal, and I admit I was in the beginning. I was scared and very insecure. And it took this betrayl and pain for me to get over my issues. It's good that she's the one hurting from her action, and she needs to, for some people that's the only way to learn. I don't hand out respect like cookies, with me earn it, you've done way more than that! You were never weak, just unsure about the decisions to make to deal with the situation. As far as thresholds go, I've taken out Admirals for a lot less than this! I refer to T E S B!
twice_shy Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 what ever man, everyone has there outlook and your entitled to yours. sometimes you have to have faith and i have that living in doubt, bitterness and fear doesnt work for me. and I believe people can change and people can work at relationships. We will both do our parts and we will both succeed. your negativity doesnt penetrate me. I share his sentiment. He said what he said out of experience. Cheaters are not to be trusted. If you think you have faith in your cheater, then good luck with that.
twice_shy Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Well, looks like TMW and I will have to take that chance. I completely agree with his posts...and am (have been) at the same point he's at in marital recovery. What's interesting is this...there's no garauntee that if he/I were to move on to another relationship that we wouldn't be cheated on THEN, either. Thats true, but being in a relationship is like jumping into a lion's pit. If you jump in, there is a slim chance they won't eat you. But I sure as hell aint gonna jump in a lion's pit. Sure, you can be cheated on by entering another relationship, but at least in that relationship the person has the benefit of the doubt from the start. Being with a known cheater, they don't have that benefit. Either you rebuild your relationship and your trust...or you don't. you can rebuild trust, and the cheater can turn right around and break it again once they are comfortable again. We've chosen to do so. We acknowledge that the risk of being hurt again does exist, but we feel that the work that we've done (along with our wives) makes it worth it to try. And I won't best you for staying for whatever reason. I hope she never does it again. Nobody should have to deal with that. Darknight...are YOU in a relationship right now? If so...how do you know that you're not being cheated on RIGHT NOW? REALLY? WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART...KNOW, BEYOND ANY SHADOW OF ANY DOUBT???? You don't. There aren't any garauntees anywhere. You are correct. And I don't know about DK, but if I discover cheating ever again with anyone in the future, there won't be and 2nd chances, no arguing, no trying to get the truth out of them, I'll just be out the door and will not look back. The difference here is...both TMW and I have had DECADES of good marriage prior to the affairs that our spouses got caught up in. Now here is where I can apply your logic. How do you know? They could have been cheating from the very start and could have hid it well. That's one heck of a foundation to rebuild a marriage from. We know what it can be like when things are good...we know what we've done to 'affair-proof' our relationships. What have you done to "affair-proof" yours? Affair proof your relationship? Or is it more like relationship extortion? "Do what I want or I will cheat on you again?"
Owl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Twice Shy...just because your relationship failed and you walked away, it does NOT mean that every other person in the world is an idiot for NOT walking away. There is no garauntee that TMW and/or I wont be cheated on again, you're right. There's no garauntee that you won't be cheated on again, either. To be honest...I'd rather take the chance on my wife, who I KNOW loves me, and I KNOW has learned "the hard way" what the damage is from cheating, than not. Personally, I think my odds are BETTER than meeting someone new and starting over...because we've already learned this lesson together. You really need to lighten up...have you considered some personal counseling to help you heal from what you've been through?
twice_shy Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Twice Shy...just because your relationship failed and you walked away, it does NOT mean that every other person in the world is an idiot for NOT walking away. Oh stop with the drama. I never said anyone was, and if you have ever read what I have said on this forum I HAVE said that I won't best anyone for staying for whatever reason. But I'd like to see alot of them wake up and smell the coffee. There is no garauntee that TMW and/or I wont be cheated on again, you're right. There's no garauntee that you won't be cheated on again, either. true, and if that time comes, I won't waste another minute of my life on that person. To be honest...I'd rather take the chance on my wife, who I KNOW loves me, and I KNOW has learned "the hard way" what the damage is from cheating, than not. thats your choice and I wish you the best. Just don't be a fool. And no that is not saying that you are a fool for staying, just don't be fooled by her if she, for example, if she goes out with "the girls", comes home at the wee hours of the morning and trust that nothing happened. Personally, I think my odds are BETTER than meeting someone new and starting over...because we've already learned this lesson together. there are good lessons and bad to be learned from an affair. The good would be that the cheater is sorry because they don't want to lose what they had even though they could have cared less about it when they were committing their act. And the cheatee might see that they haven't been perfect in the marriage, even though that in no way excuses what the cheater did. on the bad side, the cheater in some way just might look at it, and maybe subconsciously, that if they want the desired behavior out of their spouse, that they can cheat and get it. and the cheatee might feel the need to overcompensate in their R just to stave off a cheater, hence the relationship extortion I mentioned before. You may very well be in the first group and I hope you are as nobody should have to put up with this. You really need to lighten up...have you considered some personal counseling to help you heal from what you've been through? I'm healed just fine. I don't want a thing to do with my X and wish she really would just leave me alone. That doesn't mean I can't despise cheaters. Really, why should I "lighten up" where cheaters are concerned?
Owl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I'm healed just fine. I don't want a thing to do with my X and wish she really would just leave me alone. That doesn't mean I can't despise cheaters. Really, why should I "lighten up" where cheaters are concerned? Your opinion is exactly that...YOUR opinion. Are you here solely to voice that opinion...or are you here because you want to provide help/support/advice to others? What's your GOAL for all of this? I ask, because you come across very harshly with EVERYONE you post to...BS, WS, OP...it doesn't matter. I don't "get you". Maybe if I understood what you're looking to get out of this, I'll better understand why you post what you do. If your intent was to post a word of caution to TMW, and to myself...fine...we got it.
twice_shy Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Your opinion is exactly that...YOUR opinion. exactly, and I have said that on numerous occasions. and you have yours. Are you here solely to voice that opinion...or are you here because you want to provide help/support/advice to others? both. I mainly want to help those that have been cheated on. Sure, my experience is not the experience of everyone. But thats what everyone on here does, states THEIR OPINION and tell the truth as they know it based on their individual experiences. Just like you. What's your GOAL for all of this? See above. I'll add that I had to learn the hard way and it would be nice if I could help someone else do it the easy way. Nobody should have to go through any of this. Some people have to make their own mistakes, but I'll try to help them not make them. I ask, because you come across very harshly with EVERYONE you post to...BS, WS, OP...it doesn't matter. Not everyone. WS, yes, OP, yes. BS. Never. I might say things to wake them up, but my sympathies lie with them. I even had a friend that hooked up with someone that I knew was trash in the cheating area and I told him flat out, "what the hell are you thinking". I tried to talk him out of seeing her. Well here he came a year later and she had done him dirty just like I said and I had to give him an "I told you so". Then I told him that it was for the better that they aren't together any more and that he will find someone worthy. I don't "get you". Maybe if I understood what you're looking to get out of this, I'll better understand why you post what you do. If your intent was to post a word of caution to TMW, and to myself...fine...we got it. I think it is pretty clear that is what I have been doing. But when people hear that which contradicts that which they truly want to believe, they get defensive and don't seem to "get it".
LifesontheUp Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I'll add that I had to learn the hard way and it would be nice if I could help someone else do it the easy way. Nobody should have to go through any of this. Some people have to make their own mistakes, but I'll try to help them not make them. I like the sentiment but IMHO I really don't think there is an easy way. Whether you kick the cheater to the curb or stay together and try and work it out there are issues to be dealt with. Its a long hard road full of emotions, ups and downs either way. In my case I kicked him out, but that didn't mean it was easy by any means. It took me a long time to start to feel "normal" again and from all I've read its the same for those that try and make their marriage/relationship work. I wish sometimes that I had a little wand that could stop the hurt for someone going through the rollercoaster ride but I don't. I have to accept when I see someone going through infidelity, that yes its hard for them, but they will get through it. To me going through something like this can make you stronger, and thats whether you stay or leave. Nothing in life is certain, and people make all sorts of mistakes and people are forgiven for their mistakes all the time. The breakthrough in my healing process was when I let go of what my xH had done and forgave him. I no longer wanted to carry the pain and anger around with me, I wanted to move on with my life. My life is very good now. I have a young baby with someone else who I love very much. But that doesn't mean to say that everyone should dump a cheating partner. Every relationship is different and I honestly believe that people can make a mistake and learn from it. Growing up, I made many mistakes that I will never repeat
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