White Flower Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 You can look at this one of two ways, Thumbs. You can either believe it took her this long because she didn't want to get into any more trouble, or that it took her this long to feel like the truth wouldn't crush you. I don't think she'd have stayed and faced all this... if she didn't feel like you were worth it. It would've been too easy to cut and run. There must've been something that she wanted more than taking the easy way out. It only stands to reason that the "something" she wanted was YOU. I would have to agree. And drunk sex SUCKS. You just can't feel anything.
stampdaddy Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I would have to agree. And drunk sex SUCKS. You just can't feel anything. you wanna have some anyway???
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 How would more affairs in the past change your situation right now? I think it's the future you should be most concerned with. good point. But if I found out NOW that she had mulitple affairs in the past, I could not live with that. My gut tells me there were no othes, so that is not a concern. As for the future, she knows all too well what the consequences would be. I truly believe she has changed her entire outlook on life, love, our marriage our kids, etc. She has come along way. As i said a while ago (year or so) She has been genuienly remorsefull and has on numeruos times coem to me crying and telling me on her own that she is sorry for everything she put me through and she respects me for staying with her and not giving up on her and giving our marriage a chance. She has come along way, I jsut dont post every good thing that happens. But I have all ears on everyday and I notice the little things she does now and I can say she is a much different person now. It's very good that she is honest about things now. Does she genuinely tell you everything? Or do you have to ask the right questions? Yes - she is forthcomig on everything she does. Everything. And I ask quesitons when I feel the need and I give my opinion when I am not comfortable with somehting. Just this past weekend, she ran to the store and said she would be back at 5:30. She called at 5:10 and said she had to run back to Target cuase she notice on the recipet they didnt take the sale price on something she bought. I told her OK, see you when you get home. And she reponded, "I just wanted to tell you becuase I would be longer than 5:30 now." Now I didnt ask for this explaination and she really didnt even need to tell me she would be later. She did this on her own, as minute as it sounds, she felt the need to let me know so I didnt wonder. but I didnt even ask so to me that shows she is concoius of her actions. When I say unequally yoked... I mean this marriage is wagon you have been pulling with minimal help for too long. I'm sure you take the blame for tons of crap, and I think that holds you back. I would say in the beginning of recovery, I was pulling the wagon. But now she realy puts forth effort in this marriage. Honestly she has changed a ton. I have this fear that she has not yet realized your strength. If she thinks as Vader does... you will seem weak to her. I disagree. I have made it known and through my changes in heart and attitude she has seen my strenght. She knows I dont lay down anymore, and I dont take crap anymore. And I honestly think she is the one with fear now. She has said to me, its like the tables have turned. Pre-affair and 1sr year Post affair I felt I was at her mercy. But now its changed. She admits she feels at my mercy now. And I feel I hold the upper hand so to speak. She has said numerous times, she hopes I dont wake up one day and decided I derserve better than what she did to me. She has admited she is scared of that. She has done a 180, she adores me, she wants me, she wants our marriage. She admits she was SOOOO stupid for her actions and she wont do it again and she prays everyday that I dont change my mind, because she has made up hers, SHE WANTS ME and ONLY ME. I know this becasue I genuinely feel it from her and my gut tells me is true.
Cobra_X30 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I would say in the beginning of recovery, I was pulling the wagon. But now she realy puts forth effort in this marriage. Honestly she has changed a ton. I disagree. I have made it known and through my changes in heart and attitude she has seen my strenght. She knows I dont lay down anymore, and I dont take crap anymore. And I honestly think she is the one with fear now. She has said to me, its like the tables have turned. Pre-affair and 1sr year Post affair I felt I was at her mercy. But now its changed. She admits she feels at my mercy now. And I feel I hold the upper hand so to speak. She has said numerous times, she hopes I dont wake up one day and decided I derserve better than what she did to me. She has admited she is scared of that. She has done a 180, she adores me, she wants me, she wants our marriage. She admits she was SOOOO stupid for her actions and she wont do it again and she prays everyday that I dont change my mind, because she has made up hers, SHE WANTS ME and ONLY ME. I know this becasue I genuinely feel it from her and my gut tells me is true. Really, that's wonderful to hear! I'm glad she sees standing by her like this as strength. I would not say that is rare... it just takes a long time. Usually getting emotionally kicked around by OM. What do you do for yourself? Friends, hobbies, gym time... ect?
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I doubt Thumbs wife is stupid enough to cheat on him again. She knows it's game over forever if she does. No more chances, she's out. Good for you Thumbs. I admire your persistance and strength. You're a good Egg, man!
Ladyjane14 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 ... SHE WANTS ME and ONLY ME. I know this becasue I genuinely feel it from her and my gut tells me is true. Don't doubt your gut, Thumbs. If people can never change... then Redemption isn't possible. Sometimes I think, our "gut" is God... whispering in our ear.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Who are your trying to convince, us our yourself? You tell us your wife has been incredibly forthcoming, and yet you weren't able to get her to admit to having sex with the OM for what, 4 years? And she gave you some vague answer in terms of the # of times it happened. And she admitted to being "inappropriate" with several other men earlier. Hmm...something doesn't add up. But rather than assume, let me ask you a couple questions: What if she had sex with OM many times, not just 4? What if he didn't really have ED and it was really hot, passionate animal sex but she didn't want to hurt your feelings? What if her "grinding up on other guys" was really her getting intimate with them? I think you get my point. She is clearly desperate not to lose you. If she will sugarcoat some things, how are you sure she hasn't sugar coated others? Women are very good at compartmentalizing, and they often feel the past doesn't matter. We know guys are different. I think for me the first step towards accepting someone again would be complete, 100% honesty I know you say you want that, but what it sounds like from reading your past posts is that you can't imagine losing her, and are willing to accept whatever she gives you. Just don't come back and act shocked in another year when you find our she is emailing someone else, or that she really did cheat with more than once... Yes I get your points along with Cobra and Darths. I know you guys are looking out for me and I know you dont want to see me get hurt again. Thank you all. And I am NOT taking your opinions lightly. They all make sense.
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Just don't come back and act shocked in another year when you find our she is emailing someone else, or that she really did cheat with more than once... I don't know Thumbs IRL, but from what I know of him online and what he's shared, I can honestly say I don't believe she will find another OM. Maybe I am naive? I don't know...Just that they've endured SO much in the past few years, grown together, I just can't see it happening. BUT, if she does do something that stupid, she's the FOOL and her loss, not Thumbs.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Really, that's wonderful to hear! I'm glad she sees standing by her like this as strength. I would not say that is rare... it just takes a long time. Usually getting emotionally kicked around by OM. What do you do for yourself? Friends, hobbies, gym time... ect? I got friends, but dont hang out much unless I feel like. I;d rather be a home body and play with the kids. I play pool and fish and read a bit. No gym time, but I could use some.
Cobra_X30 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I doubt Thumbs wife is stupid enough to cheat on him again. She knows it's game over forever if she does. No more chances, she's out. Good for you Thumbs. I admire your persistance and strength. You're a good Egg, man! Who would want someone like that anyway! You should choose someone who doesn't cheat because they don't want anyone else. That's just me... so maybe my standards are too high. Don't doubt your gut, Thumbs. If people can never change... then Redemption isn't possible. Sometimes I think, our "gut" is God... whispering in our ear. Redemption is only possible through God. As it is written... you will know them by their fruit!
Ladyjane14 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Redemption is only possible through God. As it is written... you will know them by their fruit! Yeah, hon... but going back to your husband and praying every day can be "fruit" too.
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Who would want someone like that anyway! You should choose someone who doesn't cheat because they don't want anyone else. That's just me... so maybe my standards are too high. Look, Thumbs CHOSE to forgive her and work his tail off to make his marriage work. He chose to rise above it, take a positive outlook to focus on what was important to him. It may not be anyone else's cup of tea, I'm sure many would have said f-this and left, divorced and got shared custody of the kids. I admire that he has a big forgiving heart, that he has it in him to suffer through this and see the better outcome. IF she blows it, HER loss, not his. Atleast HE will know he did EVERYTHING possible to achieve keeping his family together.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 I don't know Thumbs IRL, but from what I know of him online and what he's shared, I can honestly say I don't believe she will find another OM. Maybe I am naive? I don't know...Just that they've endured SO much in the past few years, grown together, I just can't see it happening. BUT, if she does do something that stupid, she's the FOOL and her loss, not Thumbs. exactly WWIU she knows whats at stake here and she knows she f'ed up by having this affair. And she knows she is dam lucky I stayed, because she now sees what an awesome person/husband/friend I am to her. She sees other couples not having what we have, not communicating, etc. She tells me over and over she cant believe she took all this for granted. If she was not in love wiht me or didnt find me attractive anymore or just wasnt happy, she would have left A LONG time ago. I on the otherhand, I know I was f'ed over. I know I was played the fool. But my decision was to see if we could fix it. And we did and still are. There will always be a part of me that will remember what she did and I will never forget it or what the pain felt like. But I forgave her and I accpeted the affair, by my choosing. Yes it is hard, but it gets easier over time. Forgiveness is a long term action, not a 3 sylable word said just once. I have to work at
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 It all comes down to how one looks at the full picture. If you didn't have kids, I'd tell you to bail. BUT, because of your children, you two had to rise above it, work together and keep your family intact, oratleast give it your best. And, you two have. All I can say is, she better know how good she has it and not screw it up.
Cobra_X30 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I got friends, but dont hang out much unless I feel like. I;d rather be a home body and play with the kids. I play pool and fish and read a bit. No gym time, but I could use some. Do what makes you happy! Try to get some gym time... or equivalent. It helps us guys, believe me. Yeah, hon... but going back to your husband and praying every day can be "fruit" too. That's all it takes eh? Maybe I've been working too hard. Look, Thumbs CHOSE to forgive her and work his tail off to make his marriage work. He chose to rise above it, take a positive outlook to focus on what was important to him. It may not be anyone else's cup of tea, I'm sure many would have said f-this and left, divorced and got shared custody of the kids. I admire that he has a big forgiving heart, that he has it in him to suffer through this and see the better outcome. IF she blows it, HER loss, not his. Atleast HE will know he did EVERYTHING possible to achieve keeping his family together. All of this is true and more! I hate to see good people lose out in the end. Then again... that's not the point of this discussion. We all know things will be better than before for TMW. We are simply talking about what level of better is acceptable. That's his choice to make... I want him to push for the better better... if that makes sense?
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Don't doubt your gut, Thumbs. If people can never change... then Redemption isn't possible. Sometimes I think, our "gut" is God... whispering in our ear. well, my gut told me they did have intercourse sex and it was true. but my gut also is telling me that: she has minimized the details of the sexual part to keep from hurting me more and to keep me from leaving her. But I do have some doubt about the validity of the ED issue and the frequency of intercourse sex. But like I said. Those are details. Do I really need to know them? Will they help or hurt me to know them NOW.
stampdaddy Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 well, my gut told me they did have intercourse sex and it was true. but my gut also is telling me that: she has minimized the details of the sexual part to keep from hurting me more and to keep me from leaving her. But I do have some doubt about the validity of the ED issue and the frequency of intercourse sex. But like I said. Those are details. Do I really need to know them? Will they help or hurt me to know them NOW. I had issues "performing" because of the "guilt" associated with her being a MW, so my doctor gave me a sample pack of Levitra.. OH SMACK
twice_shy Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 So she told me the next day. She made the comment about, maybe they are just friends. And I said, yeah there just friends who are both married but they go out and hold hands at bars together. I then said jokingly, "I bet they only have oral sex too, no way they have intercourse. Just like you didn’t have sex either with your OM." She looked at me and said "you already know we did". I said, "no I don’t, you always dodge the question, so did you or didn’t you?" She looked at me with this look of FINE I will tell you already…..and she said YES, we had intercourse sex. Excuse me while I :sick::sick::sick::sick: ACK!!! Please tell me you are gonna get rid of her. How can you look her in the face on a daily basis and not want to puke?
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 We all know things will be better than before for TMW. We are simply talking about what level of better is acceptable. That's his choice to make... I want him to push for the better better... if that makes sense? yes it makes ALOT of sence. I have inventoried everything over and over for 3 some years. And the advice my dad gave me when I told him about her affair was: Look at the positives and look at the negatives. and if the positives out wieght the negatives, then you have to choose if you can live with those negatives. Believe me, if the negs were more I wouldnt have stayed. I am 37 years old. I have been with my wife since 1988, married in 1994. We have had a very long good relationship for the most part. We have been throught everything together. He have history, friendship, children and even though she hurt me the way she did. We still love eachother. The positives way out weigh the negatives. It was my choice to endure this and I will and I am. Does it suck that I can see all the good things in her, but with an asteriks for a few things? Yes it does suck. Forgiveness isnt easy, forgetting isnt easy, but I endured this, the storm is over and the future will be great because I will make sure it is great. She knows what she has and I dont feel she will ever take advantage again. my gut tells me so...and it took a long time for me to feel that. I know theres more to the details..I know there is. But whats it matter now. I can dwell or I can move forward. I dwelled for a long time in the beginning and its not a fun place to be in your mind. I aint going back to that "box of fear" I was living in. She had an affair and everything that goes with it. I forgave her, she wanted to make it work and so did I. And we are the way we know how. It may not work for others, but it works for me, it isnt easy by any means. I pray everyday for God to help others, hardly for myself. But when I ask for something, I ask GOD to give me strenght to endure and he has given me that and I am thankfull.
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Excuse me while I :sick::sick::sick::sick: ACK!!! Please tell me you are gonna get rid of her. How can you look her in the face on a daily basis and not want to puke? I have been there brother. There was a time during recovery that I was just disgusted with her. But I endured all of that. I forgiveness takes time with all due respect, WWIU is right. You dont get it. People divorce far too quickly in this world. I choose to forgive and see if we could make it work and make it better. And IMO, we are doing just that. It may not work for other people. But like I said, I wanted to stay and she wanted to stay so we stayed together and are enduring. some people commend me for staying and some people still think I should have left. I understand both sides, but I am gald I choose to stay. If I stayed and it didnt get any better, I wouldnt be here, I would be gone. But it has gotten better and I am still here. take Dazed for instants. He stayed for 3 years too, then one day he couldnt discount his GUT feelings that he still hasnt happy, so he left his wife. And it worked for him better to leave. But I dont have those feelings anymore and I dont plan on leaving. After all the work we have done, it has taken us to the better.
Cobra_X30 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 yes it makes ALOT of sence. I have inventoried everything over and over for 3 some years. And the advice my dad gave me when I told him about her affair was: Look at the positives and look at the negatives. and if the positives out wieght the negatives, then you have to choose if you can live with those negatives. Believe me, if the negs were more I wouldnt have stayed. I am 37 years old. I have been with my wife since 1988, married in 1994. We have had a very long good relationship for the most part. We have been throught everything together. He have history, friendship, children and even though she hurt me the way she did. We still love eachother. The positives way out weigh the negatives. It was my choice to endure this and I will and I am. Does it suck that I can see all the good things in her, but with an asteriks for a few things? Yes it does suck. That is good advice! My dad always told me not to waste my love on someone who can't or won't love me back. That is the ultimate negative. That * is not your cross to bear. Forgiveness isnt easy, forgetting isnt easy, but I endured this, the storm is over and the future will be great because I will make sure it is great. Good men forgive, only fools forget. You said earlier you will not forget. Though it will not constantly scour your soul as it did in years past... the memory will remain. She knows what she has and I dont feel she will ever take advantage again. my gut tells me so...and it took a long time for me to feel that. Your "gut" is in reality, your logical brain. Train it... use it. Even the best of lairs have their tells. I know theres more to the details..I know there is. But whats it matter now. I can dwell or I can move forward. I dwelled for a long time in the beginning and its not a fun place to be in your mind. The details are meaningless at this point. I agree that dwelling will only bring you back to a place you don't want to be. I aint going back to that "box of fear" I was living in. This is the most potent thing you have said! There is strength in these words! Life holds a promise for the brave. She had an affair and everything that goes with it. I forgave her, she wanted to make it work and so did I. And we are the way we know how. It may not work for others, but it works for me, it isnt easy by any means. I pray everyday for God to help others, hardly for myself. But when I ask for something, I ask GOD to give me strenght to endure and he has given me that and I am thankfull. Your attitude is beautiful! I wish you happiness TMW. I believe you have it!
Cobra_X30 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 take Dazed for instants. He stayed for 3 years too, then one day he couldnt discount his GUT feelings that he still hasnt happy, so he left his wife. And it worked for him better to leave. 3 Years deep Dazed simply realized that his wife only held love for herself. There was no room for him in her heart, so he left. I believe that is the difference between you two!
stampdaddy Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 3 Years deep Dazed simply realized that his wife only held love for herself. There was no room for him in her heart, so he left. I believe that is the difference between you two! I thought Dazed's wife had actually been trying all along, but HE just couldnt shake it.. correct me if I am wrong. His was the very first story I followed as I was trying to understand the mindset of a BS
Cobra_X30 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I thought Dazed's wife had actually been trying all along, but HE just couldnt shake it.. correct me if I am wrong. His was the very first story I followed as I was trying to understand the mindset of a BS That's why HE couldn't shake it. Because SHE never got it. She never understood how he felt... or why. Extreme selfishness blocks the ability to empathize or even sympathize.
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