Last question was answered

[ThumbingMyWay]

Not that I didn’t know it in my gut, because I did.

 

But she never could look me in the eye and answer the question with out the "were past this, my IC told me I don’t have to give details", etc...blah blah.

 

I have always told her I knew the truth and because of her contempt to answer the numerous times I asked, I took a no comment answer to this question is a yes in my book.

 

And not to say I was naive to believe what she said is all that happened. I mean she did state that once they tried, but it didn’t go so well.

 

 

Anyway…we were talking about an acquaintance we both know that she saw. This person is married and she saw him with another woman at a bar. Or course she talked to him. Lets just say her last comment was to him was be carefull or something like that.

 

So she told me the next day. She made the comment about, maybe they are just friends. And I said, yeah there just friends who are both married but they go out and hold hands at bars together.

 

I then said jokingly, "I bet they only have oral sex too, no way they have intercourse. Just like you didn’t have sex either with your OM."

 

 

She looked at me and said "you already know we did". I said, "no I don’t, you always dodge the question, so did you or didn’t you?" She looked at me with this look of FINE I will tell you already…..and she said YES, we had intercourse sex.

 

I asked how many times, she said she didn’t know. I said BS. She said like 4 times, but they were drunk most of those times and it didn’t go well.

But whats the difference if it was really just 4 times or if it didn’t go well. Maybe those are lies too. Maybe they had lots of sex and it went great everytime…..but those are just details to the main question, and I already told myself details don’t matter, is the YES or NO I needed answered.

 

 

So….I guess I got some finality to a question I knew was true but she finally admitted it.

 

So, that was my last question, its finally answered, even though I knew it, I aint stupid. But I guess hearing it from her mouth is what I needed.

 

3 years, 8 months later, I finaly have my last question answered. Kinda feel weird, like theres no more questions Ihave about the whole thing, that was the last one I needed to hear from her lips, even though I knew the truth in my heart.

 

Oh well, maybe I can finally put it ALL behind me know…because it really was my last question for her about her affair.

[Bryanp]

I think she is still gaslighting you. She does not remember how many times she had intercourse with him but then comes up with the number 4? If they were so drunk I doubt he would have been able to have intercourse with her 4 times. Her comment is ludicrous that it didn't go well. She is saying this because she knows this is what you want to hear. If it didn't go well then why were they able to do it 4 times? Why are you still with her? Did you both get checked for STD's?

[ThumbingMyWay]

I think she is still gaslighting you. She does not remember how many times she had intercourse with him but then comes up with the number 4? If they were so drunk I doubt he would have been able to have intercourse with her 4 times. Her comment is ludicrous that it didn't go well. She is saying this because she knows this is what you want to hear. If it didn't go well then why were they able to do it 4 times? Why are you still with her? Did you both get checked for STD's?

 

it is what it is. The issue is she finally aswered truthfully. In my heart I dont think it was just 4 times and I dont think it didnt go well. My gut tells me she is minimizing it. And I know its hard for her to tell me and I belive it is being minimized. But those are DETAILS to a question I just need a yes or no answer to. I dont need details.

 

and yes, she had STD tests after she confessed the affair. And all were negitive.

 

And I am still with her because we choose to work on our marriage. I stayed and she didnt leave and we BOTH wanted to save our marriage.

 

And it is good now, better than its ever been. She has come along way. I wont let this stop our recovery.

[Cobra_X30]

3 years, 8 months later, I finaly have my last question answered. Kinda feel weird, like theres no more questions Ihave about the whole thing, that was the last one I needed to hear from her lips, even though I knew the truth in my heart.

 

Does that really make you feel better?

 

3 years... 8 months... and the lies continue. The truth comes out slowly, as though its speaking a foreign language.

 

We both know you could do better if you so chose.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Does that really make you feel better?

 

3 years... 8 months... and the lies continue. The truth comes out slowly, as though its speaking a foreign language.

 

We both know you could do better if you so chose.

 

it brings me closure so to speak. I never was going to leave anyway whether the answer was yes or no (but I thought about it alot in the first 2 years of recovery). I could do what Dazed did....leave 3 years into recovery. But I dont want to. We do have a good relationship now, better than its ever been.

 

and yes, knowing that the truth has come out slowly...but I knew already, she just wouldnt answer that one question, but i knew the answer I just need to hear her say it. And she did.

 

could I have better? I am sure I could, there is always something better out there. But I dont want to. We have worked SO hard over the last 3 some years. I aint going to let this be the final straw, we have come to far and I have worked so hard to put it all behind me. And surprisingly, this hasnt affected me that bad. ITs kinda like, finally, that question doesnt need to to occupy my mind anymore.

 

Marriage dont always have to end becuase of an affair. Yes, my story is a tuff one and many people have said to me that they wouldnt have had the strenght to save it, but I did and I aint going backwards now.

[stampdaddy]

I gotta be honest.. You know I am the OM.. And I can tell you for a FACT, this is EXACTLY what my MW has told her H.. (I wont get into the feelings it gives ME to be minimized). She has done pretty much exactly what your W is STILL DOING.. Our "4 times" is more like 300.. Our "wasnt that good", was the best she's ever had... And for her "telling you the truth finally", WAS BY ACCIDENT, she forgot her lies.. I'm just saying, your post hit me in the stomach and your word MINIMIZED couldnt be more true..

[Darth Vader]

Does that really make you feel better?

 

3 years... 8 months... and the lies continue. The truth comes out slowly, as though its speaking a foreign language.

 

We both know you could do better if you so chose.

 

 

I have to agree with both of the other posters here! She's continuing to lie to you, by keeping back the truth, talk about Damage control! How in the world can you live with that woman while she's still doing this lying crap to you!

 

It's like OM is still more important to her than you are! Just on some hidden level/s. She has absolutely no right to keep hiding, or not answering/dodging questions. In a way, she's not allowing you to move on, she's stringing you along, PERIOD!

[Darth Vader]

I gotta be honest.. You know I am the OM.. And I can tell you for a FACT, this is EXACTLY what my MW has told her H.. (I wont get into the feelings it gives ME to be minimized). She has done pretty much exactly what your W is STILL DOING.. Our "4 times" is more like 300.. Our "wasnt that good", was the best she's ever had... And for her "telling you the truth finally", WAS BY ACCIDENT, she forgot her lies.. I'm just saying, your post hit me in the stomach and your word MINIMIZED couldnt be more true..

 

 

With this Thumbs, if I were you, I'd file for the big D! Man, you don't deserve this, you deserve better. If you have to keep discovering by accident, your wife is not commited! Everytime that a new revelation occurs, you're back at square ONE! The pain of it all comes back fresh and anew. You don't need to keep reliving it! You've been asking yourself most likely, when does it finally end!?

[Cobra_X30]

it brings me closure so to speak. I never was going to leave anyway whether the answer was yes or no (but I thought about it alot in the first 2 years of recovery). I could do what Dazed did....leave 3 years into recovery. But I dont want to. We do have a good relationship now, better than its ever been.

 

and yes, knowing that the truth has come out slowly...but I knew already, she just wouldnt answer that one question, but i knew the answer I just need to hear her say it. And she did.

 

could I have better? I am sure I could, there is always something better out there. But I dont want to. We have worked SO hard over the last 3 some years. I aint going to let this be the final straw, we have come to far and I have worked so hard to put it all behind me. And surprisingly, this hasnt affected me that bad. ITs kinda like, finally, that question doesnt need to to occupy my mind anymore.

 

Marriage dont always have to end becuase of an affair. Yes, my story is a tuff one and many people have said to me that they wouldnt have had the strenght to save it, but I did and I aint going backwards now.

 

No there isn't always better. Very often better is a mirage in the desert. I know this when I say you can do better! I'm saying that you stay not because she is worthy of it, but because you choose her. Do you see the importance of that?

 

This one truth.... this one "final" revelation was not required on your end. She needed to tell the truth long ago.

 

Yes, marriage doesn't have to end because of an affair. Often its what happens afterwards that determines the fate of that marriage.

 

How much work do you have to put in to fix someone else's mistake? Someone else's mental issues? It's nearly 4 years... and she is still lieing and manipulating. That's why Dazed walked away. He put in the work, he fought hard... only to find in the end that his W was simply a broken person, who didn't want to be fixed.

 

So my point in summation is this. I know you stay... and I heartily respect that. I just want you to consider why. Why do you stay? Are you just stubborn? Do you want to be a martyr? Religious beliefs? Fear? You feel there is too much work already put in? Why?

[Ladyjane14]

You can look at this one of two ways, Thumbs. You can either believe it took her this long because she didn't want to get into any more trouble, or that it took her this long to feel like the truth wouldn't crush you.

 

I don't think she'd have stayed and faced all this... if she didn't feel like you were worth it. It would've been too easy to cut and run. There must've been something that she wanted more than taking the easy way out. It only stands to reason that the "something" she wanted was YOU.

[ThumbingMyWay]

and your word MINIMIZED couldnt be more true..

 

She has always said it wasnt about the sex. And I believe her. It was EA for the most part. PA was ineveitable along the way.

 

Prior to finally aswering this question on actual intercourse, her revealing info about the sex part was:

 

They tried intercourse a few times, but it didnt go well because the OM had erectile disfunction and the times they did try they were drunk and I am sure ED and alcohol didnt help matters.

 

The sex was mostly oral sex on her.

 

Sometimes he "worked" and she would try oral on him, but it was hard for him to go all the way. But it did work at times, whether they went all the way everytime it worked, I dont know. But I not niave to think they didnt and now I know for sure they did. The number of times doesnt really matter now.

 

He was no bigger than me and she said it was nothing great. It was just different than me.

 

 

 

So wether or not they did it 4 times or 300 hundred times ,I am sure all the sex parts realyed to me were minimized by her.

 

We kept having sex through the whole affair anyway, great sex at times.

 

And we have great sex now, and we are both genuinaly satisfied and I believe her, we FEEL eachother well now.

 

It was never about the sex anyway, she has said that from day one. It was about the emotional attachment she had to him, the sex just came with the territory and it took her a long time to give in to that part anyway. And I believe her.

 

Bottom line is, my wife had a EA which progressed to a PA/EA. She confessed, ended it, had bumps in the road, BUT we worked through it.

 

3 some years later and it is better than it ever was. That is the truth. I am not looking for this to be my OUT. I am just letting those who know my story, that I finally got that question aswered in a YES or NO response. I dont need nor want the details. I could sit here and think worst case, but that wont help us. Whats done is done, and we are not going backwards.

[stampdaddy]

OK... not trying to stir things up, again, your post leveled me....

[ThumbingMyWay]

You can look at this one of two ways, Thumbs. You can either believe it took her this long because she didn't want to get into any more trouble, or that it took her this long to feel like the truth wouldn't crush you.

 

I don't think she'd have stayed and faced all this... if she didn't feel like you were worth it. It would've been too easy to cut and run. There must've been something that she wanted more than taking the easy way out. It only stands to reason that the "something" she wanted was YOU.

 

I think its both ways LJ.

 

and your last sentence is the truth. If she wanted to leave she would have. But we didnt and we arent.

[Owl]

Nice to "see" you again, old friend!

 

Its good you're still working through all of this.

 

It seems to me that it all boils down to how much you feel that you REALLY need to know.

 

At some point, recovery shifts from the worrying about what the affair was like to reaching a point where you're far more focused on how good the marriage is now. At least, that's been my experience.

 

And it sounds like you're reaching that point now...

 

I know that there are details about my wife's EA that I don't know...but at this point, I don't care. I've got all the information I need to 'move on'...and our recovery is great.

 

Hang in there man...again, glad to see a post from you!

[Darth Vader]

Ok Thumbs, I can see where you're going with this, it's just that we don't want you to find out something one day in say 10 - 30 years from now and then you'd say "if I had known that long ago, what I know now, I would've left". Some people hit that stage much later on in life when it may be too late.

[Darth Vader]

My point, no regrets!

[Cobra_X30]

If she wanted to leave she would have.

 

Is that the answer?

 

To clarify... I respect your choices, I don't think you should walk away now.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Why do you stay? Are you just stubborn? Do you want to be a martyr? Religious beliefs? Fear? You feel there is too much work already put in? Why?

 

 

I stay because first and formost I love her and want to stay married to her.

 

I stay because of religious beliefs, even though my faith allows divorce for one reason so if I did leave, its OK wiht my religion.

 

Yes I have some fear of the unknown

 

And yes, too much work has been put in to get us here 3 some years later. It IS better and will continoue to get better through HARD work.

 

 

 

So yes, she has in a sence continued the deception. But you have to understand I didnt ask this question but maybe a few times during these 3 some years. I was at a position to either keep digging in or put it all behind us and keep moving forward. I choose to keep moving forward.

 

The only reason she answered the quesiton was the way we were talking about it. When I said, "yeah and I bet they only have oral sex just like you and OM" it was said in a joking manner. And she looked at me with that face of "arrgghhh" and simply decided to conceed with an answer along the lines of "she knew that I knew and whats the point to dening it anymore" thats the way she responded.

[ThumbingMyWay]

It seems to me that it all boils down to how much you feel that you REALLY need to know.

 

At some point, recovery shifts from the worrying about what the affair was like to reaching a point where you're far more focused on how good the marriage is now. At least, that's been my experience.

 

And it sounds like you're reaching that point now...

 

exactly Owl. Thats were I am at now. This just came out by happenstance. I didnt expect her to answer. I said it jokingly assuming I would get one of those looks of "yeah I know you know". but she actualy decided to say yes this time.

 

Things are good and moving forward. Looking back isnt something I want to do and I dont have it lingering in my mind like I thought I would after getting this answer. I dont find myself doubting my decision to stay, so thats good. It reinforces that I have put it behind me.

[ThumbingMyWay]

My point, no regrets!

 

 

it comes down to this.

 

she admitted they had oral sex and tried intercourse a few times.

 

Now I know for sure they DID have intercourse and he did "work" sometimes. How many times doesnt matter.

 

Even 3 years later, whats the difference if it was his tougne or his dick?

 

finding this out 3 years from now or 10 years down the road dont matter....they had SEX and everything that goes with it. She had affair plain and simple. I forgave her and we both decided to make it work

 

Even though I got a YES answer now, I have to intentions of leaving and I have no regrets of my decision to make this work.

[Darth Vader]

it comes down to this.

 

she admitted they had oral sex and tried intercourse a few times.

 

Now I know for sure they DID have intercourse and he did "work" sometimes. How many times doesnt matter.

 

Even 3 years later, whats the difference if it was his tougne or his dick?

 

finding this out 3 years from now or 10 years down the road dont matter....they had SEX and everything that goes with it. She had affair plain and simple. I forgave her and we both decided to make it work

 

Even though I got a YES answer now, I have to intentions of leaving and I have no regrets of my decision to make this work.

 

 

I see. If you don't mind Thumbs, I can't recall if I asked this before or not, but, If you found out there were more affairs (Lovers) than the one that's been revealed, even years from now, would you leave?

[Cobra_X30]

I stay because first and formost I love her and want to stay married to her.

I stay because of religious beliefs, even though my faith allows divorce for one reason so if I did leave, its OK wiht my religion.

Yes I have some fear of the unknown

And yes, too much work has been put in to get us here 3 some years later. It IS better and will continoue to get better through HARD work.

So yes, she has in a sence continued the deception. But you have to understand I didnt ask this question but maybe a few times during these 3 some years. I was at a position to either keep digging in or put it all behind us and keep moving forward. I choose to keep moving forward.

The only reason she answered the quesiton was the way we were talking about it. When I said, "yeah and I bet they only have oral sex just like you and OM" it was said in a joking manner. And she looked at me with that face of "arrgghhh" and simply decided to conceed with an answer along the lines of "she knew that I knew and whats the point to dening it anymore" thats the way she responded.

 

All good reasons... except for the fear.

 

Did you have to ask? Is that the kind of marriage you want with her?

 

At what point will she want to tell you the truth? You've waited 4 years... and you still have to ask for it. Does this only apply to the affair?

 

I know we are debating semantics here... but I think it's important to have the proper attitude towards things, and I've followed your story closely, and I think you have been unequally yoked.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I see. If you don't mind Thumbs, I can't recall if I asked this before or not, but, If you found out there were more affairs (Lovers) than the one that's been revealed, even years from now, would you leave?

 

When she confessed about the A I asked if there was others and she told me no other affairs:

 

but In the mid 90's she kissed up on/danced/was being inappropaite with 2 different guys on 2 separate occasions while on a girls weekend away

 

 

Plus she did cheat on me in the very early 90's before we were married. But that I knew about, we broke up and got back together and eventually married 1994.

 

 

 

Now to answer your question. I would say YES. If I found out NOW, that my wife has had multiple affairs I would leave. If she ever has another one, I would leave.

[ThumbingMyWay]

At what point will she want to tell you the truth? You've waited 4 years... and you still have to ask for it. Does this only apply to the affair?

 

I would say, NOW she is very forthcoming abotu everything. We talk and share toughts about everything. I would say is genuinely honest about everything. Now, as for the affair, it was a hard time for her and I. And we both want to move past it. So the "wanting" to tell the truth VS me asking for it about the affair doenst come up alot. Mostly because we dont talk about it much. Her IC advice was to not give details. Well, in her mind, having intercourse was a detail. To me it was not detail but a question. Now the how manytimes, when where are detail questions, which I decided I dont need to know. I know all I needed to...she had a PA/EA.

 

I know we are debating semantics here... but I think it's important to have the proper attitude towards things, and I've followed your story closely, and I think you have been unequally yoked.

 

what do you mean by uneually yoked?

 

 

If I dont have faith they she is being honest with the 95% she has told me. if I doubt everything she told me, for 3 years, we would never be abel to have come this far.

 

Now you can say. How will I ever really truly know the exact 100% truth. Well I could never now either way could I. I needed to genuinely feel her and decided wether I believed her. I had my doubts on some things, but i worked through them by testing her.

 

The only quesiton that my GUT said this aint right was the intercouse sex question. Now I have it answered. I dont need the details.

[Cobra_X30]

Now to answer your question. I would say YES. If I found out NOW, that my wife has had multiple affairs I would leave. If she ever has another one, I would leave.

 

How would more affairs in the past change your situation right now? I think it's the future you should be most concerned with.

 

I would say, NOW she is very forthcoming abotu everything. We talk and share toughts about everything. I would say is genuinely honest about everything. Now, as for the affair, it was a hard time for her and I. And we both want to move past it. So the "wanting" to tell the truth VS me asking for it about the affair doenst come up alot. Mostly because we dont talk about it much. Her IC advice was to not give details. Well, in her mind, having intercourse was a detail. To me it was not detail but a question. Now the how manytimes, when where are detail questions, which I decided I dont need to know. I know all I needed to...she had a PA/EA.

what do you mean by uneually yoked?

If I dont have faith they she is being honest with the 95% she has told me. if I doubt everything she told me, for 3 years, we would never be abel to have come this far.

Now you can say. How will I ever really truly know the exact 100% truth. Well I could never now either way could I. I needed to genuinely feel her and decided wether I believed her. I had my doubts on some things, but i worked through them by testing her.

The only quesiton that my GUT said this aint right was the intercouse sex question. Now I have it answered. I dont need the details.

 

It's very good that she is honest about things now. Does she genuinely tell you everything? Or do you have to ask the right questions?

 

When I say unequally yoked... I mean this marriage is wagon you have been pulling with minimal help for too long. I'm sure you take the blame for tons of crap, and I think that holds you back.

 

I have this fear that she has not yet realized your strength. If she thinks as Vader does... you will seem weak to her.