overanalytical Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 i'm a newlywed...been married before about 3 years ago...met my now husband about 2.5 years ago, got married 2 months ago...i love him with all my heart. i knew when i first saw him, i had a thought...'i'm going to marry that man' and i didn't think about it again for a while...it was strange to have that thought and then we got together at a later date to hang out and things progressed. he's my soul mate. we had a blow out this weekend. a big one. and i'm still hurting over it. i don't know what to do. we talked, he apologized and i guess this is the healing process of it...but i am not over it. he cant' understand why i'm 'hanging onto' the fight....and i don't know why i am. i don't want to fight with him. i know it happens and i know the stress we're both under right now is causing it...but it's gotten me torn up...bad. i'm even thinking when he finds a job that what if he travels and finds someone else. why am i thinking this?? i just am. i do this to myself... background right now: he's unemployed, having a hard time finding a job after being laid off (was a mortgage broker) and now his severance pkg has ended, he has no savings in the bank, we paid for our own wedding (16,000 bucks on a credit card) and now we're stressing...thsi is leading to fights...he is looking for a job every single day but nothing is open...besides commission only jobs at the moment (and when worst comes to worst, yes, he is going to take a factory/low pay job just to help ends meet). i have a good job so it's not a major deal but i can't afford the bills for much longer as i'm depleting savings accts. and i guess this is leading me to getting ill with him, him feeling like he's worthless, and causing fights...and this weekend...was a big one. i've tried to talk to him, but he wants to put hte fight behind us, he's apologized and eveyrhing but i feel like we have a lot to work on still...nad he needs to get control over himself...why can't he see this is a big deal?? that maybe I need some resolution more than he thinks has taken place... i needed to get thsi out. not sure what i'm asking here...just at a loss. i'm lost.
Curmudgeon Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 i needed to get thsi out. not sure what i'm asking here...just at a loss. i'm lost. Theree's a very old saying about how, when money goes out the door, love flies out the window. You're both under a great deal of pressure right now. For a man, being unemployed like he is, even thought it's through no fault of his own, is a huge blow to the ego. He's questioning his worth as a man and as a husband. As long as he's looking hard fror employment he's doing everything he can right now. He probably feels out of control, and he is. The best thing you can do is remember why you married him in the first place and be as kind, understanding and emotionally supportive as possible.
Author overanalytical Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 i'm trying to...but when he is starting to take it out on me is when i have trouble. i know he is worth more than any of these interviews he's been on lately and i hate it for him for having such a hard time finidng something else, and even having to worry abut getting back to where he was at his other job...so i understand, just wish i wouldn't have become the one to take the brunt of his frustrations...our marriage to take the brunt of it...it's so scary and hard and i just don't know what to do... thanks for a response...i needed that. thank you.
Meaplus3 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 i'm a newlywed...been married before about 3 years ago...met my now husband about 2.5 years ago, got married 2 months ago...i love him with all my heart. i knew when i first saw him, i had a thought...'i'm going to marry that man' and i didn't think about it again for a while...it was strange to have that thought and then we got together at a later date to hang out and things progressed. he's my soul mate. we had a blow out this weekend. a big one. and i'm still hurting over it. i don't know what to do. we talked, he apologized and i guess this is the healing process of it...but i am not over it. he cant' understand why i'm 'hanging onto' the fight....and i don't know why i am. i don't want to fight with him. i know it happens and i know the stress we're both under right now is causing it...but it's gotten me torn up...bad. i'm even thinking when he finds a job that what if he travels and finds someone else. why am i thinking this?? i just am. i do this to myself... background right now: he's unemployed, having a hard time finding a job after being laid off (was a mortgage broker) and now his severance pkg has ended, he has no savings in the bank, we paid for our own wedding (16,000 bucks on a credit card) and now we're stressing...thsi is leading to fights...he is looking for a job every single day but nothing is open...besides commission only jobs at the moment (and when worst comes to worst, yes, he is going to take a factory/low pay job just to help ends meet). i have a good job so it's not a major deal but i can't afford the bills for much longer as i'm depleting savings accts. and i guess this is leading me to getting ill with him, him feeling like he's worthless, and causing fights...and this weekend...was a big one. i've tried to talk to him, but he wants to put hte fight behind us, he's apologized and eveyrhing but i feel like we have a lot to work on still...nad he needs to get control over himself...why can't he see this is a big deal?? that maybe I need some resolution more than he thinks has taken place... i needed to get thsi out. not sure what i'm asking here...just at a loss. i'm lost. Hi, You know the first year of marriage alone is a big adjustment and with that adjustment can come extra added stress. You also seem to have lots of stressors right now with your H unemployed. If the two of you can have patience with one another and keep the lines of communication open, my bet is you can work through this. Best Wishes. AP:)
EmotionallyYours Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Hi, You know the first year of marriage alone is a big adjustment and with that adjustment can come extra added stress. You also seem to have lots of stressors right now with your H unemployed. If the two of you can have patience with one another and keep the lines of communication open, my bet is you can work through this. Best Wishes. AP:) Good advice AP! Of course I will add something... OK... some will think I can't give advice here considering my failed marriage, but actually I think I have some excellent insight here. One of the periods in my marriage when me and my H were actually in the most harmony is when we BOTH lost our jobs. We were on the verge of divorce and in marriage counseling over other issues. We both made excellent salaries and were spending above our means with no cushion. Life was a mess. In the period of one year we both lost our jobs (layoff and the hostile takeover of startup company). This was at least a a problem we could quantify and analyze and tackle (both of us are engineers...lol). We actually came together to figure out how our family would economically survive and identified all steps: 1) Cut costs - Scouring of weekly grocery flyers and coupon cutting. Putting all of our costs into spreadsheets to see where we could trim. 2) Identified temporary money sources - Garage sales, online bookstore, part-time bartending/waitressing (leaves days open for interviews & you make much better money per hour). 3) Job search plan - Willing to relocate, if so what city(ies). 4) Put together a schedule (like a work schedule) to work on the above all day as if it were our job. I guess with our basic means of living jeopardized, we put everything else aside for once and actually cooperated to make sure we could provide the basics for our children. So my point being... this is an issue that can and will be solved. Make it a team project and become stronger. As long as his self-esteem issues of being unemployed don't overtake everything you might be able to use this as a growing experience in your marriage. Plus, it will teach you some good economic lessons that you'll be able to use in the future to budget, prepare for job-loss, save for whatever... If your H puts time and effort into the things he CAN control (the game plan), he may not fall into the low-self esteem / depression track of thinking.
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 You two are a team. As long as he is actively looking for work - Be his supporter. Be understanding...BUT, if he is sitting around being depressed and not doing anything, then yes, he needs a kick in the butt... Somehow you need to let it go. Fights will happen in your marriage, just don't take it in so deep and hang on to it. Learn how to process it, deal with it and let it go. Takes time and effort, also, look at the big picture here, not just today and tomorrow.
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Also, if the situation was reversed, you would expect him to support you through your hard time, yes? This is important, it isn't just "you" and "him" it's you two 'together' against the world. Be eachothers' safety net... Trust me, after almost 15 years with my guy, you'll learn to pick your battles, let alone learn to let stuff go and not be hurt by it.
michelangelo Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 I caught that theme too. It is not "I'm depleting... the savings" It is at worst, "We are depleting..." But better is: "We are surviving the biggest credit meltdown since the Great Depression as a team." There will be stresses, but pull together.
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