pigeonsid Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Hi all- I know that everyone's different, and it depends on your relationship, but I was wondering if we could come to some sort of consensus on how the healing process progresses. I mean, I'm about 4 months along now and feeling more like myself, but still down a lot. Now when I miss my ex I am able to logically tell myself that what I miss is the comfort of having someone, rather than the unbearable crazy pain when I first broke up. But I'm wondering how long does it take until you really are over them, and how do you know when you're completely over them? Is that the point when you don't think about them any more?
sedona Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I would love to know the answer to this, but there is no answer. If someone could just give me the date when I'll be over this! When I'll be whole again. I broke up on Friday. I can tell you that 2.5 days isn't enough! But I guess you knew that.
loveralone Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 The old wives' tale says that it should take half the amount of time that you were in the relationship to get over the relationship....If that's true, my road ahead is looking very long and dreary!!! LOL! IMO, I don't think you will ever stop thinking about a person that you truly, honstly loved. I think (and would like to hope!) it will just get less frequent the more you start to fill your "memory bank" with new memories. And maybe one day you'll be walking along when a memory of your lost love suddenly resurfaces, and you will smile...I think that's the moment when I'll know that I've "made it through". Oh, I can't wait for that day!!!!
sedgwick Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 How long it takes depends on how drawn out it is. You get over them a lot faster if you go total NC. This is one of the two hardest breakups I've ever experienced; at 8 months, I'm nowhere near over him or ready to date. But it would be a lot harder if I'd had him in my life all this time. In general I'd say it takes me 2-3 years to really, truly get over someone, to the point where I feel indifferent to what they're doing and no longer want to be with them.
pr-girl Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 In general I'd say it takes me 2-3 years to really, truly get over someone, to the point where I feel indifferent to what they're doing and no longer want to be with them. Holy shnikeys! My ex and I have only been broken up for about 6 weeks. I don't want to feel this pain for another 2-3 years! I will say this... My former ex and I broke up about 3 years ago and I still love him, but I no longer long for him the way I used to. I've been in love twice. The former ex and the most recent ex. I'm really nervous to see how long this one takes.
macon Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I don't think stopping thinking about them is the sign that you're over it - you may think about what might have been and the good aspects of the relationship/man for many years to come, while still being able to get on with your life and fully explore new relationships. I think the point you know you're over it is when you take control and make your own choice that it's over. What I mean by that is when you've passed the point where you would take them back if they asked you - when you are no longer reactive to their feelings/needs. My boyfriend dumped me about 8 months ago now - I still cry about it sometimes, but in a very 'what might have been' way. I reached the point about 3 months ago where I fully realised that I did not want to be with someone who would treat me like that. I would not want to be with someone who dumped me. I only want to be with someone who wants to be with me and I deserve to be with someone like that. I'm still sad, but I'm very secure now in that fact that he was wrong for me and that I am better off without him. Ironically he's now texting me, but I'm just being friendly and distant, and that's all there will be. I don't know his motives and I don't need to know - because I choose to be without him - it doesn't matter if he asks me back now or if he doesn't - I know my choice and that's to not be with him. It may take you less time than me - it may take more. I think the important thing is to give yourself time to grieve, and time to be an independent person again, before you rush into another relationship. Realise you're a valid and interesting person - take time to remember the things that you like, the things that you want to do. Self-worth is really the key to happiness, and that stems from making your own choices
pr-girl Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Self-worth is really the key to happiness, and that stems from making your own choices Wow. What a fabulous line!
Author pigeonsid Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Hi - thanks guys for all your advice. I guess what I'm worried about is that there's a long road ahead of me, and I'm tired of grieving. I know that I can't hurry this, and I know that I need to wait before I can be in a good relationship again, but I do just want to get over this and feel that life is good even without him or what I"ve lost. Sedona - the first month is truly the worst. For me I actually coped all right with it in the first week, and then I had a complete melt down. I think that after the first week the shock wore off and that's when the emotions really hit me. But it does get better so hang in there! Macon - it sounds as though maybe in another month I should hit that spot where I wouldn't take him back even if he wanted to come back! I'll hold out for that. Right now I am starting to think more rationally about it - I know with my head that I shouldn't take him back. But right now in my heart I still would just jump at the chance to be back in my relationship, to be back in what I lost. I can't believe so much time has already passed and that life really does go on, and change, and that with enough time I won't even know him any more. But thanks, Macon, you sound like you have some very wise advice that I want to follow!
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