What's the problem here?

[lprjx]

Recently I've been questioning the loyalty with my best friend. We've been fighting a lot and usually resolve it, but to not much of an end. So I'm hoping some of you could give me insight on the situation (i.e. who was wrong, if I can really trust him, what to do about it, etc.) I know this is a long story, but I'd really appreciate advice as I'm completely lost on what to do now.

 

So about about 9 months ago, my friend broke up with his girlfriend. He was very torn up about it, so he came to me for advice. We had been friends for a little over a year. So being the generous guy that I am, I talked to him a lot about it and offered advice on it. He was so worried that he needed to be calmed down almost everyday, but being that I want to be there to make sure I can support him as much as possible I stuck with him every second. Problems started arising though when he went against much of my advice. This just screwed things up for him more, and he continues to worry to this day. I got angry at him after a while, but I never gave up on him. I continued to support him and advise him, even putting aside some of my life to make time for him. He apologized a lot and considered me his best friend and that he was really trying.

 

So problems really started getting out of hand over the last couple of months. Back in September of last year, I met one of his other best friends, a girl, at his birthday party. We hooked up that night, thanks to some support from him, and after that, I decided to pursue her as a girlfriend. So long story short, he said he thought we'd be great together so he would support me and put in good words for me with her. Things started going well, and soon enough he told me she wanted to be me girlfriend. So I trusted him and continued to take things to the next level with the girl. However, problems started arising with her. I was going through some really difficult times, so I wasn't being my normal, fun self. And on the flip side, it turned out that she only wanted a casual relationship with me because she is very against relationships at the moment. So basically, bad timing screwed things up between us. But he thought I was still OK, and told me to keep going.

 

The problems peaked because I fell hard for this girl, so when I saw her giving me signals that went against what he was telling me, I basically came to him worried. He kept reassuring me I had nothing to worry about and kept trying to support me. But sure enough, I turned out to be right, and she broke things off with me. So I really broke down, and still asked him for support with her. However, instead of being sympathetic, this really angered him. He said that he misread her completely, and that he was upset because he used to be good at getting people together. But he said that I should just get over it because she wasn't what we thought. But because I fell hard for this girl and I can't stop thinking about her, I kept coming to him about it. One day he snapped completely and went off on me and told me it wasn't fair that I put him in the middle of two of his best friends, and that he would stop talking to me completely if I didn't stop talking about the girl. He says that I can talk to him about anything, just not about her unless something big happens (she starts talking to me again, she gets a bf, etc.)

 

My problem with him is that he says that it's OK for me to be helping him try to get his ex back because I'm not friends with her, but because the girl I was after was definite about breaking it off with me and because he was best friends with both of us, he shouldn't have to be put in the middle, and I should just stop coming to him about it. And on top of it, he thinks that because he was in a full relationship with his ex, that he should be much more concerned that I should about my situation.

 

Things really pissed me off more when he eventually said we both need to get over the girls and start getting better. The problem was that we both can't do it, and we both handle it differently: I acknowledge that I'm still down, so I come to him about it. He gets pissed because he tells himself he's getting over it and I'm just keeping him down. But then he'll come back and apologize and tell me that he was just lying to himself and that he isn't over it.

 

So lately, things haven't gotten any better for me. Other bad things have been continuing to happen to me, and all I can think about is the girl because she was the one thing that made me happy. But my problem with him is that I'm questioning his loyalty. Was he really as supportive of me with the girl as I was with him and his ex? He has a bad history of being very selfish, and he pulled some selfish things on me while I was helping him (even though he apologized after for it). I have this feeling that he was using me and taking advantage of me, not completely intentionally, but to a degree. But my other side knows he talked to me about a lot of private stuff, things that he hasn't told anyone else. Over spring break, I was in the hospital. He texted me to ask me how my spring break went, but because that was a few days after I got out, I never texted him back. He must know that I was in the hopsital though because I told his roommate and our other best friend. He never bothered to ask how I was doing. We've seen each other online since then, but neither of us have attempted to talk to the other.

 

So all in all in this situation, who here is wrong and what should be done about it? We're both still not over these girls and I know we won't be for a while. We both still want support from each other, but it seems like we're afraid to come to each other because we know in a way we we're both right and wrong about our thoughts on the situation. I don't like how it seems like I gave him a lot more support than he gave me, and that his whole thoughts on him having more reason to be upset than me are wrong. My intentions are to wait until he talks to me and simply tell him that he used me selfishly and see how he reacts to it. I don't want to lose what I thought was my best friend and one who understood me like he said he did, but I just hate the feeling because of the small things that tell me he could have just been selfishly using me.

Edited March 24, 2008 by lprjx

[theatregal4]

Well, that was a handful to read, but lets see if I can give you a suffecient answer.

 

It seems to me both you and your friend have some fault in this together.I know how important it is to relate and share problems and being so close (friendship) to a person we naturally feel we can help and offer advice, which friends should do...to an extent. It seems you both got to personally wrapped up into each other's situation that you ended up neglecting what you both really wanted.

 

It's good to get advice, even better options! I went through something similar like this and sometimes you think asking others might be helpful at the time, but instead you both should have taken each other's options and have dealt with the situation at hand in your own way.

 

The problems peaked because I fell hard for this girl, so when I saw her giving me signals that went against what he was telling me, I basically came to him worried. He kept reassuring me I had nothing to worry about and kept trying to support me. But sure enough, I turned out to be right, and she broke things off with me.

 

Here's an example were you should have immediatly trusted your gut feeling about the situation. I mean people live this scenario every day, if you know something isn't right, it probably isn't and asking someone else who doesn't know the situation well is not helping.

 

As far as the friendship goes, apologize, be the first to step up and say something. If you don't the gap between you two will become bigger and harder to break. You both were hurt, understandable, but you both need to be there just to support each other right now, because you both we go through many of these situations again. Just forgive and forget.