Is there a chance?

[Takn4Granted]

WOMEN, I need your thoughts;

Okay, here goes:

While going throuh a divorce last year, I unexpectedly got involved with a girl also going through a divorce that worked in the same building (both in our 30s and ending 15 year marriages). We got pretty deeply involved in a few months...even talked about marriage. Well, as the divorces were becoming final, she breaks it off and says she needs time; that she couldn't be in a relationship at that time. Well, I understand that women take a lot of time to get over a divorce, and since it was not about another guy, I gave her time. We continued to be friends and stayed in contact with each other...we started "seeing" each other 3-4 months later. There were a couple of setbacks (on her part emotionally), but we managed to get though them. She finally told me that she wanted "to give the relationship a serious go". Things were better than they had been...more open about "us' with her kids and didn't try to hide it from her ex-husband either. Everything was great...we were acting a like a real couple in public. We even "survived" a 1.5 month business trip in which we were geographically separated. Several mutual friends say we make the perfect couple and always knew we were meant to be together. Well, she tells me the other day that she can't be in a relationship! We talked 4-5 times a day and were very open with each other. From those talks, I know she still had moments of quilt/regret that her marriage didn't work out; not because she has feelings for her ex, but because she's mourning the loss of her marriage. Her friends have confirmed this as well and that there's no other guy involved. I have given her what she was missing in her marriage, but sometimes she says she's not used to that and it takes some getting used to. She says she also enjoys her freedom and is not used to someone caring for her like I do. I don't know if this is a factor, but she has to leave the area for 3-4 months this summer on business.

 

My question to you women out there; is this normal and how long will it take for her to get her head on straight? I've went no-contact because, through all this drama, I've always been there for her and think she might be taking me for granted...maybe she needs time to miss me and realize what she had/wants out of life. Yea, I know, I should just move on and not live my life centered around her anymore...I'm staring to do that. But I still feel like she is the one...seriously, I'm not a delusioned teenager and I know exactly the type of women I want to be with. She meets all those qualifications, except for the flakiness. Does she just need time to deal with the past or is she bi-polar? Your thoughts?

Edited March 24, 2008 by Takn4Granted

[Ronni_W]

...how long will it take for her to get her head on straight? ...I should...not live my life centered around her

She HAS her head on straight. She is aware of her emotions and needs, and is taking steps that she feels are appropriate for her, to meet her own needs and work through her emotions. That is not "flaky" or bi-polar...or any other mental or emotional disorder . It is healthy and functional and adult.

Her process of self-reflection and healing will take as long as it is going to take. Even she cannot put a nice and tidy 'end-date' on it.

 

Have you considered that what is causing YOUR internal drama is that you have, as you say, made her the centre of your life and thus have become needy? By her actions, she appears to prefer self-reliance to your way of expecting your needs and wants to be fulfilled through her. It may well be turning her off.

 

She seems to be role-modeling excellent ways of how to become more self-aware and self-responsible -- why not let that be something that you two share?

[macon]

I'm sorry, it sounds like she HAS got her head on straight - you sound like the one who needs to be with someone. She's probably realised that being on her own for a while will help her reconnect with herself - when you're in a relationship 'I' often gets swallowed up in the 'we' - and if the marriage was a long one then it's perfectly normal for her to take months, if not years to get over it and rediscover herself and what she wants out of life. That doesn't necessarily mean she won't date during that time, but she obviously doesn't want to just fall into another relationship as a pattern of life - she wants the next one to be something she chooses, and that isn't at all 'flaky'.

 

"Yea, I know, I should just move on and not live my life centered around her anymore..."

 

Sounds like you need to take a leaf out of her book - why does your life need to revolve around anyone? Don't you think that you should take some time to be on your own - discover what you like about you? What you like to do? Spending your life always attached to someone else isn't necessarily healthy - people who function well on their own are usually able to enhance other people's lives when they finally do meet someone they want to have a relationship with, rather than those who need someone else to validate themselves.

 

And seriously, if you're calling her flaky because she wants time to herself and isn't doing what you think she should be doing, then it doesn't sound like you respect her too much - at the very least you sound out of step with each other at this time in your lives. Give her the space she wants - use the time to live your own life and find out more about yourself as a single person. How long were you married? Isn't it time to enjoy being with yourself again?

[Takn4Granted]

Ronni & Macon:

Maybe I didn't write it very clearly, BUT I AGREE with you in regards to her getting her life back together and that it could take time. I let her do her thing for 6 months and SHE came back to me... I didn't go chasing her. I realized and told her that I would continue to be her friend and confidant as long as she wanted in order for her to deal with her situation/problems/emotions...REPEAT I didn't go forcing the issue of a relationship. As a matter of fact, several times when I saw that she was having trouble dealing with these issues (about once a month, go figure) I really backed off until she started confiding in me again...she engaged me. I never tried to steer her actions/feelings...just there as a sounding board and someone to vent to (we confided in each other a lot during our divorces)...we are really good friends. I just made sure she knew I was there if/when she needed me...more as a friend than anything. I believe if you truly care for someone, you give them the space/opportunity to get the life together. SHE came to ME and put the "relationship" in gear...that's what I mean by centering my life around her...I let her call the shots at her on pace as she was ready to do so. I'm confused as to why when she finally says "let's go for it again"...why she takes 2 steps forward and one step back. The pattern has been that we spend time together and then shortly there after she pulls back...honestly I think she is scared of having strong feelings for me again and, at some levels, thinks she doesn't deserve to be happy according to some of the comments she has made. I'm a patient guy and I know what I want, so I have no problem giving her the time she needs to heal. BUT I'm not living my life through her...I have my own goals and interests...coincidence that she has alot of the same ones I do.

 

I say again, I didn't force the relationship issue, but am growing tired of being a ping-pong ball.

 

I'm not opposed to backing off and letting things be where they were a few months ago if she needs to heal some more. BUT this time, she gave everything of mine back to me and ended it all...even the friendship we shared.

Edited March 24, 2008 by Takn4Granted