tombraidergirl Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 hello, im new to the loveshack group , a bit whats going on , first off i have been married for 22 yrs we both are attractive fit people , workout etc... we just had a 22 yr anni come around this month.. my kids dont live at home know more they are married and moved out this yr as well.. my husband works hard and works alot some and sometimes he has alot time off.. heres the problem , he never wants to do anything with me , he said well the kids are out of the house now we will have fun? well guess what he doesnt want to talk about doing things, he doesnt want to take me out at all , he just blows me off and says sometimes he will just leave etc.. because hes so boreing he says.. but im so so lonely what can i do , this isnt the first time i have felt like this. i am a attractive lady mind you so i know that its not that im just letting myself go or something.. but like tonight he just tells me goodnite and goes to bed sometimes he just goes to bed and doesnt say nothing? and when i ask him stuff like where your going da da da , then he gets really defensive and barks back at me right away so thats not a good sign , but he tells me to stop harrasing him about cheating etc,,, but im so lonely i cannot stand doing this anymore and i do not want to cheat but what can i do because he has mad it obvious that he doesnt care what i want at all and im just screwed... he tells me to stop complaining etc.. and its like he doesnt love me the same i can just feel something is so wrong i dont know what to do...... how can i tell if some one is on the other side? or maybe hes gay? i have no idea im lost and lonely to the point of not wanting to live anymore , i cannot take the loneliness... help with any advice please.....
Trialbyfire Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 He's very disturbingly distant. Has this been something going on for years or is this a fairly sudden change, like in the past two years or less? I don't know whether he's cheating or not but why would you want to cheat? If you're extremely unhappy in your marriage, why not try to improve it by suggesting marriage counseling or discussing with him, what is wrong? The balance of my advice, centers around not having your life revolve around his needs and only him (and children, if it's applicable). Get out with your friends and if you're too isolated, time to make some friends, so you have outside interests and a support network to rely on, when times are tough.
Author tombraidergirl Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 well this is something he has been doing on and off for awhile.... yrs actually but lets say about 2 months ago we where best friends again this is like a cycle or something i see with him then he goes to treating me very distant.... when i say he doesnt even know that i am around he doesnt care if im in the house or not he just wants to know i think that im home and doesnt pay any attention to me what so ever .. he doesnt compliment me or what and says he doesnt want to go out any at all so all he wants to do is spend time at the gym with his friends and workout and class etc... but when it comes to me then he says he has no intrest whatso ever to do anything that i want to do , as in spend time together do things together as a cpl etc.. this is something that is a must to me , if we are at home he doesnt speak to me much , and if he does he yells at me if i ask him if hes got some one else.. hes just way too distant my heart tells me that he number one doesnt find me attractive no more and wants to pull away.. or two he is cheating and wants to stay distant emotionally from me . funny though he does want sex whenever but when it comes to doing anything outside of the bedroom its a dead relashinship.... so what is a girl to do... die from boredom with this man although i love him with all my heart.. he doesnt care and this isnt right for me to be neglected this way i do feel that... i just wonder if there is someone else i would want to move on ya know and not be around as the cake and eat it too syndrome....
Trialbyfire Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Is it possible he's bipolar? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder
Author tombraidergirl Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 well i would love to think that .. that would def make my day..lol.. but that would be too easy... i dont know i feel that he just loves to keep the control of me being his wife and all everything he needs and he does whatever ... but again who can live with being neglected... so if i do goout with friends etc.. then where does that leave us ? at the same place where i left off , no closeness no emotional love , no romance outside the bedroom nothing gets fixed... so i dont know i have heard a few people have had this prb but none of mine all my friends have been married to good guys and one actually gives her pedicures and bathes the baby etc.. so im lucky to get a kiss and hug maybe?
Trialbyfire Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 A silly question but have you ever asked him what's wrong, instead of suggesting that he's cheating?
Author tombraidergirl Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 yes i have.... honesty he says nothing but being married for 22 yrs knowing him longer than that , is like knowing i know that hes lying to me.. but i dont know about what... but in the mornings he says he loves me takes off to work , but who knows...
Owl Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Well, he's either already cheating...the distance, the comments...those are all big red flags. Or...I would agree that he's got some kind of mental/emotional disorder that's causing his behavior. From the couple of posts I've seen, my only advice would be to INSIST on him getting checked out and treated...or leave.
BetrayedMM Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Well, if he's bipolar the manic phase will be a giveaway. No mania, no bipolar. When they're manic, they're much more likely to cheat. If he is, be careful what you wish for, I can tell you from experience there's nothing easy or simple about it. Anyway, to the original question- how can you tell? Google "signs of infidelity", "signs of cheating", see how much fits your situation. One way or another, he's built a wall between you. Communicate!
smartgirl Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 In terms of hard evidence, the two most common places to look are the credit card bill and the cell phone bill. Seeing a lot of restaurant charges (it doesn't have to be hotels) in amounts that would cover two people is usually a good sign. Seeing a single number recurring on a frequent basis, often with calls at about the same time is another. If he is hiding or destroying these bills, that is a pretty good sign right there and you should contact the company for copies. The emotional distance and lack of sexual interest can be signs of cheating. They can also be signs of depression. But if your instincts tell you there might be someone else, you should check into it. I wish I had. I wish I had gone down to his work when he was "working late" one night and caught them coming out to the parking garage together. I asked and he denied it and I guess I wanted to believe that. Don't bother to keep asking him. He will likely deny it as long as you don't have anything but suspicion to go on. You will need to catch him in a lie or find something else to try and prompt him. I would suggest marriage counseling, but he doesn't sound like he would agree -- but ask anyway.
Author tombraidergirl Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Thanks so much for your"alls imput .. yeah , I know it def has had walls here because who would want to go around wondering blind leading the blind..? and who wants to be left in the dark while the other person is out having a great time behind your back? that would make me so mad though i think that is my fear of just sitting here waiting , wishing and waiting now knowing and wanting the best with doing the ( Right thing) and then find out well it was all in vain I think this is my Biggiest fear of all is not knowing and just wasting valiable time because im not getting any younger , wow ... people try so hard to do the right thing sometimes life is so hard.. they always say go with your gut is this true? can your gut be wrong? or can you feel that your actually making things up in your own head or is this someones ways of making you feel crazy to cover their own behaviour? i will look that up on the net.. as well for signs i think i have before.. but he doesnt have anything so far going on on his cell ..
Owl Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Your gut can be wrong...but it rarely is in these cases. That "gut feeling" is normally right on the money. Its the result of his no longer meeting your emotional needs in the same fashion as he did before. That happens because he's emotionally investing in someone else, rather than you. You'll find that nearly all of the BS's here had that same "gut feeling" before they got the proof.
Author tombraidergirl Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 the thing about the credit cards funny you brought that up because a cpl yrs back when we where having prbs .. he was having his bills etc sent to his parents house? he always didnt want me to know his bussiness and with them being in his name i cannot actually get the stuff that had been charged to his bills he had like 4 credit cards he wanted to pay off quickly but the odd thing is the man never actually charged anything on them for us or me... but he would always have a bill for yrs ... but again i seen the bills they wouldnt show what was charged on them... so this is a puzzle because most credit card companies would on mine show the charges of the cost of the date and time but maybe he owed a back fee older and they where just recuring bills.. so i dont know.. and yes he would maybe go to counseling.. we tried Church too.. but he went a cpl of times and didnt go back he loses intrests fast or i have to keep on him or cheerlead him on to go to church or something , doesnt seem he would do things for himself to keep it going... although he loves working.. i have my own money he has his.. but he makes wayyyy more than i but pays the bills and thats that. but says we never have or he never has the money to take me out , not even for a icecream? lol.. uh ok.. thats why i said who can live and be married to myself?? is this crazzy or am i crazzy , do i need to let him go , or just accept he doesnt want to do anything with me because he is with someone else or just hates being with me . this is a mystery to me thats whats killing me.
Author tombraidergirl Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Your gut can be wrong...but it rarely is in these cases. That "gut feeling" is normally right on the money. Its the result of his no longer meeting your emotional needs in the same fashion as he did before. That happens because he's emotionally investing in someone else, rather than you. You'll find that nearly all of the BS's here had that same "gut feeling" before they got the proof. sorry BS> ? NEW HERE..LOL... well the gut feeling has been there for yrs... that would be so sad to know if that were true....
Owl Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 BS=betrayed spouse WS=wayward (cheating) spouse OW/OM=other woman/other man MM/MW=married man/married woman (usually refers to those cheating in an affair)
Author tombraidergirl Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 Your gut can be wrong...but it rarely is in these cases. That "gut feeling" is normally right on the money. Its the result of his no longer meeting your emotional needs in the same fashion as he did before. That happens because he's emotionally investing in someone else, rather than you. You'll find that nearly all of the BS's here had that same "gut feeling" before they got the proof. this scares the crap out of me too.....
BetrayedMM Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I don't mean to scare you, but that's the first clue. Somehow, without any evidence at all, I KNEW my wife was cheating. It's kind of creepy when you have no idea why you feel that way. I mean, where exactly does this information come from? I know they say subtle clues and subconscious and all, but when you can't put a finger on exactly what those clues are, it's creepy. Especially when it turns out that your gut was 100% correct. In your case, the clues are not subtle at all. No wonder your gut is screaming!
Author tombraidergirl Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 i didnt go into more details i guess i should but its sorda a privite matter , but im seriously thinking about seeking counseling for the mental abuse that i have been put thru as well with this man thru all the stuff i have been thru .... i have had plastic surgery within the last two months on my boobs , now give you i already had ds and had a boob job for awhile. but my husband looked at other women for yrs on the net porn women and said he was picking out my boobs for me? lol.. uh ok.. well when it was time to do my surgery , the ps let him pick out my boobs while i was sleeping. and bam.. now i am wayyy too large... i hate them , i am having mental issues with the back pain and cannot wear normal things , until i go back in and have a redo which is going to cost more money more time , and more mental greif it took so much out of me mentally , i took 2 months before i could do normal things because they made me so large, i say they because really i blame both , my ps should had done what he had thought would look good on my body and my husband for knowing that i didnt want porn boobies just a bit larger than what i had.... and now saying that after i got them he doesnt want much to do with me or them what so ever... um.... so that is why i feel that i need to seek counseling , he says he loves me but when i start talking about my breast and complaining he says hes going to leave me and hes tired of hearing about them says i can just cut them off he wouldnt care...he says i dont care if you where a a cup or f cup doesnt matter now? huh what did i miss something? see what i mean in the two double standard thinking did he just use pics to justify him looking at the time and never really cared what i looked like? um seems that way now and im seriously screwed until i get my boobs redone.. and if he left me , i have no way to pay for his mistake ? how cruel can one person be.... now this is a guy that looked for yrs for the perfect breast for his wife now he doesnt care what she wants or if it hurts her? can some one please tell me what i need to do to seek help because this is insaine i know...i want to get out but i want to wait because finacially i cannot afford to get another plastic surgery he would have to pay for it.. and it would take me a month to get sorda normal... and i have alot personal things going on with other members of my family that i would have down time and i dont have that luxury with time right now... so i feel really depressed about it.. oh btw... if your thinking well maybe shes let herself go maybe shes not attractive... that isnt the case.... and not too be conceded just the truth..
Mrmojorisin Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Most infidelity experts say to trust your gut instinct. Most private investigators will tell you the same thing. He will deny it until you give him proof. So don't bother to ask again until you have the proof. If you can look at his cell phone bill. You can also install a keylogger program on his computer. Go to http://www.blazingtools.com that is an excellent program that will capture every keystoke he makes and on what websites. It can also capture snapshots of the webpages. This will give you the usernames and passwords to any email account he has. Also you can get the passwords to any credit card/bank account that he may access online.. From your description, I would say it sounds like he has someone else. I recently went through almost the same thing with my wife. She denied it at first until I provided proof that she could not deny..Good Luck the thing about the credit cards funny you brought that up because a cpl yrs back when we where having prbs .. he was having his bills etc sent to his parents house? he always didnt want me to know his bussiness and with them being in his name i cannot actually get the stuff that had been charged to his bills he had like 4 credit cards he wanted to pay off quickly but the odd thing is the man never actually charged anything on them for us or me... but he would always have a bill for yrs ... but again i seen the bills they wouldnt show what was charged on them... so this is a puzzle because most credit card companies would on mine show the charges of the cost of the date and time but maybe he owed a back fee older and they where just recuring bills.. so i dont know.. and yes he would maybe go to counseling.. we tried Church too.. but he went a cpl of times and didnt go back he loses intrests fast or i have to keep on him or cheerlead him on to go to church or something , doesnt seem he would do things for himself to keep it going... although he loves working.. i have my own money he has his.. but he makes wayyyy more than i but pays the bills and thats that. but says we never have or he never has the money to take me out , not even for a icecream? lol.. uh ok.. thats why i said who can live and be married to myself?? is this crazzy or am i crazzy , do i need to let him go , or just accept he doesnt want to do anything with me because he is with someone else or just hates being with me . this is a mystery to me thats whats killing me.
Author tombraidergirl Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 yeah he denies and gets upset when i asked so i stopped asking but there is no way he doesnt have charges on his bills , he has paid so many off , and when he works etc.. he never tells me where or what , he is self employed so that doesnt help , i can never tell where or what hes doing , im always left in the dark and i have done the key logger thingie... well that worked some but he didnt do anything at that time but look at porn and i had caught that maybe chat to a few old friends nothing too personal.. or anything , i had that on there for about a month or so... so maybe thinking about just following him because this guy is 007 or something , i know something is wrong but never can prove it... so yeah good luck to me i will need it..
jmargel Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I really feel for you. You dedicated 22 years of your life, raised his children and he acts like this. What I don't understand is that he has the money to pay for a boob job, but not the money to take you out for ice cream? I don't want to scare you further, but this story I am about to tell you will really make you think about how you need a resolution to this.. My aunt was married for 25 years, had a daughter and thought she was married to her best friend. He was great, and seemed to always be there for her. Her daughter grew up, and married.. About 2 years ago she finally had her dream vacation with him to Ireland. About 6 months later, he died of a heart attack in front of her. She was crushed, she lost the love of her life. Two weeks after the funeral, she found a small safe hidden in the house. Never knew anything about it and didn't have the keys. When she finally was able to open it, what was inside destroyed her. It was pictures of him and his mistress, along with divorce papers signed by him. Apparently his trips to NY to see his brother (they lived in NJ) was trips to his mistress. Guess his mistress was putting pressure on him to divorce, so he got papers, signed them, showed them to his mistress saying 'I signed them, but my wife won't'. However he never took them to the courthouse, otherwise his wife would have found out. Now she has all these questions, and she has no clue who this OW is. And of course she can't ask him, so her 25 years of marriage are filled with this taintness. Please don't let this happen to you. You sound like you have a really sweet heart and a loving personality. Also, please don't define your own self-worth on how he is treating you. IMO you need to start taking control of your life and if he wants to stay married to you then there are certain conditions that need to be met. First is that he goes to marriage counseling and stays with it. If he's unwilling to change and goto marriage counseling then you really down to the only option of leaving. A marriage should not be about playing detective. You deserve better. You deserve to have your own choices and not to be controlled by him. I would also recommend you get tested for STDs. You have another option of buying a digital voice recorder and hiding it in his car. Usually the back-pocket of one of the seats are good. Get ahold of his cell phone records. You deserve to know the truth. Gut instincts are usually right, however we often have a vivid imagination and also embelish on it. However you don't need to live like this, it's time that things start to change.
Author tombraidergirl Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 I really feel for you. You dedicated 22 years of your life, raised his children and he acts like this. What I don't understand is that he has the money to pay for a boob job, but not the money to take you out for ice cream? I don't want to scare you further, but this story I am about to tell you will really make you think about how you need a resolution to this.. My aunt was married for 25 years, had a daughter and thought she was married to her best friend. He was great, and seemed to always be there for her. Her daughter grew up, and married.. About 2 years ago she finally had her dream vacation with him to Ireland. About 6 months later, he died of a heart attack in front of her. She was crushed, she lost the love of her life. Two weeks after the funeral, she found a small safe hidden in the house. Never knew anything about it and didn't have the keys. When she finally was able to open it, what was inside destroyed her. It was pictures of him and his mistress, along with divorce papers signed by him. Apparently his trips to NY to see his brother (they lived in NJ) was trips to his mistress. Guess his mistress was putting pressure on him to divorce, so he got papers, signed them, showed them to his mistress saying 'I signed them, but my wife won't'. However he never took them to the courthouse, otherwise his wife would have found out. Now she has all these questions, and she has no clue who this OW is. And of course she can't ask him, so her 25 years of marriage are filled with this taintness. Please don't let this happen to you. You sound like you have a really sweet heart and a loving personality. Also, please don't define your own self-worth on how he is treating you. IMO you need to start taking control of your life and if he wants to stay married to you then there are certain conditions that need to be met. First is that he goes to marriage counseling and stays with it. If he's unwilling to change and goto marriage counseling then you really down to the only option of leaving. A marriage should not be about playing detective. You deserve better. You deserve to have your own choices and not to be controlled by him. I would also recommend you get tested for STDs. You have another option of buying a digital voice recorder and hiding it in his car. Usually the back-pocket of one of the seats are good. Get ahold of his cell phone records. You deserve to know the truth. Gut instincts are usually right, however we often have a vivid imagination and also embelish on it. However you don't need to live like this, it's time that things start to change. Aww this was really sweet and kind.... thank you so much for the kind words... and yeah i totally agree they began to take your self worth and there is no money is not enough money in the world to where i would trade mine , if you or I stay with someone so long , like this then they tend to drain all of us inside and out i had actually started to feel like i didnt want to live anymore , i have so much too offer but for some reason i have no friends where i live.. so i do have the net thank god..lol.. but being attractive in a small town has its dissadvatages , and that is one of them.. i what you said was so sad im so sorry to hear that , i had a best friend older than I had this happen to her as well different situation but same thing... her husband had died in action of fbi work and she had found out later that he had another life, while she had a disabled child to tend too for 16 yrs of her 20 yrs of marriage this man had another woman and maybe children that he saw... he was living two seperate lives....this is so sad and sick if you ask me.. those type of people are wanting it all and please dont ask me what i would do to them...lol.. its awfull , when a person gets used , basically raped emotionally in a sense because not only do they take your self esteem they take everything from you that you have to give and above only to throw it away.. and in the garbage and your left dead inside.. and the lady that i was talking about actually had a mental breakdown and nervous breakdown she had a stroke and her neck never was right in the correct position . because of the stress he put her threw that was so sad,...
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