datingmum Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 It's been a horrid month or so of minute ups and downs, punctuated by anger, grief, relief, strength, sadness, happiness etc. Just about all the emotions available to mankind. I held back completely, but he started contacting me, tentatively every day. Little texts, emails, etc. Finally, he asked me to come round. I said I'd meet for coffee. We did. It went well. Then, after a massive pre-planned wine tasting hosted by me at his company (all organised at Christmas time), he asked me out to dinner. We did. Two minutes into dinner, we have a tiny miscommunication, I appear sad and out comes his anger. I leave the restaurant mid meal. He brings me home, I say 'never contact me again', he grabs me, then eventually, to stop the talking on my doorstep, I invite him in whereupon he just starts to alternately shout and cry. I cannot even begin to say why, there are so many convoluted reasons. This weekend is his birthday, and I was convinced he'd ask me to go along on a night away he'd planned with friends. He didn't. I got pissed off. Then I did my share of ranting and raving. Nevertheless, in the midst of all the drama, one great thing happened. He pointed out how he'd started to get a handle on his anxiety issues (twitching, etc) and asked if I noticed - which of course I did. He then also said that he'd like to visit the therapist I am seeing, alone at first, to see how he felt about it and then perhaps we could see her together. Please cross your fingers for us. On my end, I have to say that I have been working/processing incredibly fast, and I am no longer feeling suicidal/horribly low self worth due to letting this pushpull dance erode my self esteem. I have been addressing this stuff through my therapist (a combination two hour session of talk-therapy, but more like life coaching than freudian analysis - i've gotten too bogged down in the past with this approach - and hynosis - which is something I'd previously pooh poohed.) Not to give anyone false hope though, he's broken up with me (though adamnanty claiming we weren't in a relationship anyway and his behaviour - i.e. grabbing me in a public working environment and kissing me passionately, asking me to dinner etc - was just because he 'missed me') a few times throughout this in arguments and I've felt knocked down more than once or twice. But I am learning. I am learning that no matter what he feels or says, I am okay. I am a smart, beautiful, emotionally and spiritually wonderful person! I have learned that, at least for now, I've chosen to be in love with someone who is not as emotionally mature as me and as a result, I either have to get out or lead the way by being strong as an ox. As I truly do believe I am dealing with a person with serious anxiety and commitment issues, beyond a 'he's just not that into you' pop psychology brand, I have learned that I do not need the 'rules' or games to get what I want in this situation. I have learned that I can ignore his words, see through his anger to the real emotions and TRUST myself and my instincts. I have learned that when I do this, things go well. Sometimes, I choose to go about getting my answers from him very dramatically - because I am frustrated and angered by how much time he is taking in this process. But I don't feel bad about it now, I used to beat myself up over even letting him talk to me on the phone, or when I got angry with his vacillation. What I have learned so far is serving me well. Please wish me all the best in my future!
Author datingmum Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 This is so hard *whine*. I find it difficult to be 'unattached' to the outcome, thus I am getting pulled back into the dance of push/pull, push/pull. One moment, I am riding high, dealing with my own insecurity issues, self-esteem stuff, etc thinking "whatever happens, I rock!" then the next moment, I am in tears banging my head against the table feeling an overwhelming rush of anger towards him. Last night I dreamed I had our stillborn child! I woke up in a terror and rang him to say "I cannot hang out with you until you get into therapy!" He'd already agreed, but as an individual rather than as a couple, which is fine but further indicates his inability to even be part of couples therapy! "We're not a couple!" WELL STOP F*CKING TRYING TO TOUCH ME/KISS ME/BE AROUND ME resounds in my head. He's so stubborn. I am feeling better in myself, but still, very normally I feel, naturally torn because he clearly has made very little progress so far in addressing his need to push me away! What am I going to do? I can't seem to quell the anger inside, nor the gnawing sense of unreality and dread about knowing the outcome.
Ofleg7 Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 wow, complicated affair. There's some real issues there, no offence. Best of luck for the future though, hope things can be ironed out eventually
Author datingmum Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Hi there, Thanks for your replies. Yes, it's so complicated it's hard to even begin for you all to read it all, understand, much less care! I feel so alone in this, so confused. I am doing the things I need to be doing but how do you forge a reconciliation out of this?
Kamille Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I can't relate to everything you are experiencing - but so much of it really hits home. It's been a horrid month or so of minute ups and downs, punctuated by anger, grief, relief, strength, sadness, happiness etc. Just about all the emotions available to mankind. The fluctuating emotions are harrowing aren't they? I am so fed up with it the rollercoaster of emotions that I need to shut them out. Let him come to me for awhile. Focus on myself. I have learned that I do not need the 'rules' or games to get what I want in this situation. I have learned that I can ignore his words, see through his anger to the real emotions and TRUST myself and my instincts. I have learned that when I do this, things go well. Sometimes, I choose to go about getting my answers from him very dramatically - because I am frustrated and angered by how much time he is taking in this process. But I don't feel bad about it now, I used to beat myself up over even letting him talk to me on the phone, or when I got angry with his vacillation. If I wrote as well as you did, these could have been my exact words. I am learning to trust myself, trust my own strenghts and trust life. the fact is, I am happy on my own. I love him, want him in my life, but not at the cost of my own well being. I just don't know how long I can handle this uncertainty. I guess as long as I'm ok, there's no rush. What I have learned so far is serving me well. Please wish me all the best in my future! I do wish you all the best - but as you observed, the whole process has already helped you realize that you are a smart, beautiful, emotionally and spiritually wonderful person.
Author datingmum Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 You're sweet thanks. I'm around tonight as I'm desperate to chat about this. You fancy it? Is there a way to instant message privately on this?
Kamille Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 You're sweet thanks. I'm around tonight as I'm desperate to chat about this. You fancy it? Is there a way to instant message privately on this? Just got back from dinner with a friend... Now we have to figure out if we live on the same continent. I'm in Canada... You?
Author datingmum Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 Hi there, I live in the UK so I think I'm about 5 or six hours ahead of you. No bother though, as I do sit around thinking of this stuff all hours. Let me know when you're around. I'll go back and read some of your posts.
carhill Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Is there a way to instant message privately on this? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/private.php?do=newpm Then, type in the username of your recipient and your message You have to be logged in and at least an established member to send and receive member messages. Hope everything works out !
Author datingmum Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 Thanks carhill. Any advice on getting rid of the *anger*?!?!?! I'm just so damn mad, it's bubbling out everywhere. Why does it take so loooooooooong?
Ssheena Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Dating Mum. I'm impressed. It seems you are really learning a lot about yourself and I think, I could be wrong, but I think the anger you are feeling is (finally!) directed towards him. Don't even think about reconciliation with him right now. Keep focusing on YOU. You are starting to realize what he is doing and how he pulls you in only to push you away and that the issues here are his. Stay away from him until he has started on his own therapy and has really put the effort into it that you have. You know what you want and you know that right now, he is not going to give it to you because he is not capible of being the man you need him and want him to be. He has to prove to you and himself that he is. You are fine. He is the one with the issues. He has to stop talking and do. Keep working on you. One baby step at a time.
carhill Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Thanks carhill. Any advice on getting rid of the *anger*?!?!?! I'm just so damn mad, it's bubbling out everywhere. Why does it take so loooooooooong? IME, underneath anger is hurt. Identify the hurt and work on that. Psychological therapy really helped me with that. Letting go of the hurt has given me a whole new perspective. Kinda like in the Matrix where one doesn't bend the spoon, one bends themselves.
Author datingmum Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 YES! I am hurting, of course, but there is also the pure "what a tw*t" sort of feeling going on... I WILL NOT SPEAK TO HIM UNTIL HE GOES. I have said this. I just cannot. It's bloody insanity. Let's hope the therapist can do her fairy godmother bit. We'll see. I am also suffering with the fallout from the kids now. 5 weeks has passed and they've started really grilling me about when they're going to see him, crying, having very heartbreaking conversations about him... Any advice on how to deal with this?
Ssheena Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Might want to pick up or peruse a book on divorce for kids. Mine were pretty young when I got my divorce and while this is not the same, it is a major earthquake for them. Another reason why you have to be very, very careful about who you let into your kids life. Just be as honest as you can with them and make sure you explain to them that you are doing what is best for you and them and while it makes you sad, you have to do what's best for you and them.
Author datingmum Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 Thanks Ssheena. Did you read the other post I wrote in which I include a letter from him? I swear, he sounds like the most wonderfully rational father you've ever spoken to! But the reality was so different! Someone even stated there that they believe him and that I just sound like I'm looking for trouble. Seriously, what do you think?
Ssheena Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I've been following this since way back when. You know what I think of him (it's not good). You do not need a man in your life that is at all, even a fraction of a percentage, unsure about your children or you and you don't have to settle for that.
Author datingmum Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 Yes I do know your feelings and respect what you have to say i'm now curious about how this therapist will handle seeing us both individually and then, perhaps, together if that is what he chooses..... Anyone have any experience of this?
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