He said I have to change

[Nevermind]

My LDR boyfriend and I saw each other last month and it was really good. We really managed to connect. And I was more secure about it. Because I finally understood that whatever happens happens and that I should just enjoy what we have and not worry.

 

And now he said, in a chat, that he doesn't like it when I am self critical. And that it makes him uncorfortable and that I needed to change.

(He didn't usher an ultimatum, but I know that this will become one, sooner or later.)

 

There is this saying that you cannot love anybody if you do not love yourself. But this is not true. I am capable of loving other people and he said never felt so good and loved before he met me.

But he wants a self-confident, self-loving girlfriend. This is not who I am.

And I have been honest about this from the very start. He never seemed to bother. What am I to do? Pretend that everything is great and that I am such an awesome catch? I don't feel like this.

 

I am okay with myself. I just know who I am and that who I am is not one of the greatest people in the world.

 

Why do you have to be a type a personality? Shiny happy people all around?

 

It's not like I am nagging about my problems all the time. I rarely ever do that. I always say that I am fine, when he asks and try to be cheerful about the things he tells me.

 

I don't like myself very much, why is this such a problem?

[compassion42]

His comment means he cares. Perhaps you are being more self-critical than you think. Try being a bit more positive and lighten up a bit. He told you that it bothers him and perhaps now is the time for you to work on feeling better about yourself! He sounds like a great guy to me.

[Covonia]

1) He cares about you and see's you as an awesome catch, and whilst it's not your fault you feel this way (low self-esteem) it can become unbearable for your partner. It becomes highly frustrating for your partner to deal with. We all have suffered from a lack of love for ourselves and low self-esteem but ultimately it's very off putting and people can spot it off for miles. It's a major red flag for anyone who wants to approach you, date you etc. You do need to get it sorted or you'll end up like Morrissey or Issac Newton.

 

2) You should also never change for anyone, sounds contradictory doesn't it? It isn't, self-esteem is something that can be changed over time, for better or worse, it's changeable. Your personality should never change and you never try and be someone you are not.

 

You need to figure out what you like about yourself, what you would be interested in doing, and pursue new interests, and try and lift your spirits whilst keeping your originality. I did it and it's so rewarding. I no longer have to listen to Nirvana, Pearl Jam and The Smiths endlessly to suppress my problems. Try your hand at Buddhism if you dare.

[mortensorchid]

If he insists that you change, then tell him that he has to change. If he tells you that he doesn't like your friends, then tell him he has to get rid of a few of his to make things even. When he says that he thinks you're crazy, tell him you're acting just as stupid as he is.

[Covonia]

If he insists that you change, then tell him that he has to change. If he tells you that he doesn't like your friends, then tell him he has to get rid of a few of his to make things even. When he says that he thinks you're crazy, tell him you're acting just as stupid as he is.

 

He's hardly being out of line, have you ever dated someone with low self-esteem, do you know how irritating, frustrating and draining it is? If you do, then you should be able to sympathise with him to a certain degree. He wants her to start valuing herself more, he wants her to find her own happy medium, I don't think there's anything wrong with this. Ultimately the relationship won't last with her low self-esteem.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The changes he wants you to make are ones that would help you best in the long run to undertake.