I'm a MM but I like another woman...

[ItCanBeTough]

Oh... and the unemotional sex thing.. Complete BS. If there wasn't an emotion involved... You wouldnt want to do it!

 

Precisely!!!! It's a Duh statement for me.

 

But you know...everybody is different. I'm not going to proclaim a truth given there are 6 billion people in this world. I think Lizzie is in a very small minority. That's OK!

[BlueEyedGirl]

I just don't understand why you would go and marry a woman with whom you had an unsatifactory sex life before the marriage - knowing how important sex is to you. You are fooling yourself here, you thinik you have a great marriage etc but in actual fact you don't. For a great marriage all important aspects have to work, including the sex. While some lusting after other women is normal in a M, the level you are experiencing is a symptom of something not being quite right in your primary relationship.

[TechDude]

I have actually told my wife about her,

Did you tell her this part:

I'm thinking "I want take her to bed right now!"

You are already having an affair in your head. You are already unfaithful.

 

Now lusting over another guy...I suppose if it happened for several months it would bother me.

So what you are doing would probably bother your wife if she knew the truth.

 

I also think that the so-called "peak" of flirting might be on the downswing, so I could just ride this out for several more months, perhaps let it run it's course like a slow death.

Unless running its course takes a different direction.

 

This has happened to me in the past too. It happens about once a year.

But there is a period of time where I spend a lot of time thinking about that women.

You don't think your wife would be concerned if she knew what your were really thinking?

 

Even now I wonder about their emotions and their thoughts. Because even though there is some flirting, you never really know what's going on their heads, right?

Correct ... so why are you playing with fire?

 

Why don't you trust me?

Let's see ...

I'm thinking "I want take her to bed right now!"

... or perhaps this ...

it feels good

But, this takes the cake ...

And the vast majority of things in life that make you feel good are good and healthy for you. It makes excellent evolutionary sense.

So, rules of the jungle apply? No more reason for monogamy?

 

There are obvious exceptions

I'm glad you qualified it. I would suggest your current thought life is also one of those exceptions.

 

but does it not make you feel good when a guy shoots you confident, sexy smile on the bus or at the gym?

Perhaps, but that hardly describes your current situation.

 

And I do think about my wife and kids all the time,

I spend a lot of time thinking about that women.

So, which is it? Are you spending time thinking about your wife or the OW (or both ... at the same time?)

 

that's why I'm confident that I won't cheat. Why is that so f*cking hard to believe?

I don't doubt for a moment that you are sincere about this and honestly believe that you don't intend to cheat physically (you already are emotionally).

 

However, you are delusional. "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." What we think is what we are. Our thoughts lead to actions. The more time you spend thinking about lusting after this woman, the more likely it is that you will follow through with actions. It's not about being a "stereotypical male", it's a reality of being human.

 

Because every other guy in my position invariably, at some point in the future, f*cks up and cheats?

For the reasons I have just described ... yes!!

 

All men are not created equal.

They are more equal than you care to admit.

 

And I will lay you 1,000,000 to 1 odds on a bet in Las Vegas (and I'll let you pick the wager) that I will not cheat on my wife.

Ahhh.. some easy money.

 

I was really hoping for a (psycho)analysis of my problem.

You are getting plenty of analysis of your problem ... you just don't like the answer.

 

Now the thinking all the time about her thing is more concerning to me,

I'm glad to hear that.

it is a distraction.

but the reasons are more important that "distraction".

 

I'm most curious about a few things I originally wrote. Why would a SW want to quickly become close friends with a MM?

Same reason you are becoming close friends with a single woman when you are married. You both enjoy the attention and you are both encouraging the other with your flirting.

 

Additionally, why would she spend 3 hours talking to me about bland sex with some other dude and want my opinion?

Maybe she is trying to let you know that she is looking for something better?

 

I do value all of the opinions on this board but I just want them to be constructive,

Even if they don't validate your thoughts?

[OpenBook]

I just don't understand why you would go and marry a woman with whom you had an unsatifactory sex life before the marriage - knowing how important sex is to you.

 

I think there might be some rewriting of marital history going on here.

[OpenBook]

She might be trying to let you know that she is available for no-strings sex.

 

I agree with this. The part that creeps me out is that she took THREE HOURS to tell him about it. I'd be nodding off into my drink. Then I'd get the hell away from her.

[OpenBook]

You are already having an affair in your head. You are already unfaithful...

 

However, you are delusional. "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." What we think is what we are. Our thoughts lead to actions. The more time you spend thinking about lusting after this woman, the more likely it is that you will follow through with actions. It's not about being a "stereotypical male", it's a reality of being human.

 

Totally disagree with this!! Our thoughts do NOT lead to actions unless we LET them. THIS is a big part of the reality of being human -- and what separates us from the animals: discerning right from wrong out of all the crazy thoughts pinging around in our heads, and then deciding to act on that knowledge. Kinda like, being scared but taking a courageous step anyway.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Open book,

 

I agree with you that he is not cheating, but how comfortable would you feel if you knew that your SO was having extended fantasies about a woman he comes in contact daily and "that he can't stop thinking about her" and that he wants her and finds her so attractive AND spends prolonged time having personal conversations with her? I know I would feel pretty . It's one thing to have a fleeting thought/fantasy of a girl walking down the street or a celebrity but this is different.

 

Original poster,

 

What would happen if this woman and you are sitting at the bar, flirting, all alone and instead of saying anything she just touches you in the right way and tries to kiss you? Given how horny you are, I'm really doubtful that you would be able to resist.

[OpenBook]

Open book,

 

I agree with you that he is not cheating, but how comfortable would you feel if you knew that your SO was having extended fantasies about a woman he comes in contact daily and "that he can't stop thinking about her" and that he wants her and finds her so attractive AND spends prolonged time having personal conversations with her? I know I would feel pretty . It's one thing to have a fleeting thought/fantasy of a girl walking down the street or a celebrity but this is different.

 

I wouldn't feel comfortable at all, Blue eyed. But that doesn't change the fact that it's happening. To him and to the vast majority of all MM who've been M for awhile. It's almost like they take their stories out of the same playbook. It's the same story over and over again. But Tough's "ending" (so far) is different -- he hasn't done anything wrong or even out of the ordinary with her. He still loves his W and children and has no intentions or plans to cheat. What's the payoff for staying faithful? I think he's unsure about that. I hope he figures it out, and really thinks it through before he acts on anything.

[BlueEyedGirl]

I wouldn't feel comfortable at all, Blue eyed. But that doesn't change the fact that it's happening. To him and to the vast majority of all MM who've been M for awhile. It's almost like they take their stories out of the same playbook. It's the same story over and over again. But Tough's "ending" (so far) is different -- he hasn't done anything wrong or even out of the ordinary with her. He still loves his W and children and has no intentions or plans to cheat. What's the payoff for staying faithful? I think he's unsure about that. I hope he figures it out, and really thinks it through before he acts on anything.

 

Oh I know. This is the millionth time I have seen a story like this. Married, bad/no sex with the W, new attractive woman, have cheated/is conflicted about cheating, blah blah. What's sad is that this is considered a GOOD outcome, he loves W and kids and doesn't plan on cheating but it still makes me feel . I am not married and almost wish I haven't found LS, it's really putting me of marriage. It's like once I get married odds are about 99% that my future H will either cheat or strongly lust after another woman.

Edited March 24, 2008 by BlueEyedGirl

[Siciliana]

You are so far from the truth Siciliana. She doesn't want to marry me. This isn't a game. If this was a f*cking game when why did I post on this board? And I am attractive, DAMMIT!

She doesn't want to marry you yet your first post clearly indicates that is what you think she is thinking.

 

"I think this woman is saying to herself I want (to marry) a man just like him, or even better..."I want (to marry) him"

 

You said it not me.

 

And if it isn't a game, the last paragraph of your initial post speaks entirely to the contrary. The "prize" in this scenario you are pondering is "getting the girl" to admit she wants to phcuk you.

 

Again.. your words, son.

 

Now, as far as your attractiveness...your ego disgusts me, thereby making you one of the most unattractive people I have ever encountered. I don't need to see your face to realize you are an ugly human being.

 

So, what did your wife say when you asked her about trying to get this girl to want to ***** you and bad as you want to ***** her????

[luvstarved]

OK first of all am I the only one who thinks it is very strange that he could have listened to someone talk about something for THREE HOURS and have no solid educated guess about where she was going with it?????

 

If there is any mystery about it, I imagine it is because he is creating it to suit his purposes. I realize that none of us are mind readers...but if she were doing it to be "titillating", don't you think that would have come across? If she were trying to convey that she were unavailable, don't you think that would have come across?

 

I think the truth is that he just tuned out while she was not actively stroking HIS ego...and only now is wondering what it meant...because he wasn't actually PAYING ATTENTION at the time. Because it WASN'T ABOUT HIM!

 

ANyway it sounds like his ideal scenario would be:

 

"I know you are married but if you were single I'd be all over you. I am really really attracted to you".

 

"WELL thank you. I too am attracted to you! I have been fantasizing about f**king you for months! It's been driving me crazy wondering whether you felt the same. Now that I know, I can relax and move on and stop imagining you on your knees giving me the bj of my life while telling me what a magnificent c**k I have. Shall we hit the books now?"

 

Yup. That's it. Just curious. Thanks for clearing that up!

 

I have played this little dance SOOOOOO many time, maybe not as many as Lizzie but PUHLENTY. I have yet to have the experience in which "getting it out in the open" dispels the sexual tension. Au contraire! At best, it goes on with "we really can't" "we really shouldn't" the justifying "I've never felt like this" or "you're so special" lies, followed by ever-increasing lust and drama until...BANG. Once you find out the other person is interested, you play the little resentment head games about your spouse...what would it hurt, why can't I, it's my life, blahdeblahdeblah.

 

It all comes crashing down eventually, for many reasons, which can include:

 

- the person is actually way not as exciting in real life as they were in your fantasy and now you just want nothing to do with them - sometimes maybe you even BLAME them for not being what you thought, even if that thought was ALL YOURS - and then you end up getting stuck with their pesky feelings. God help you if they are intense.

 

- the person is way exciting and there is no way you can avoid further unfavorable comparisons of your wife, more resentment, and more and more risk and devotion to the A...until you finally get caught and get swept up in a soul wrenching battle between guilt and selfishness.

 

Well, dude. Good luck to you. You know I don't think most people are really trying to accuse you of being evil here, just naive and delusional and self-indulgent. You're a human male. Of course you're going to have lustful feelings. But you're not supposed to cultivate them where they are. You're supposed to try to transplant them back where they belong: within your marriage.

 

Trouble with that is, it's work. And work does not sound dangerous and ego-stroking and thrilling.

 

I have no advice for you but to attempt to grow up.

[norajane]

ItCanBeTough, read this post at least 100 times instead of dismissing it like you have everyone else's, because luvstarved is SPOT ON.

 

 

OK first of all am I the only one who thinks it is very strange that he could have listened to someone talk about something for THREE HOURS and have no solid educated guess about where she was going with it?????

 

If there is any mystery about it, I imagine it is because he is creating it to suit his purposes. I realize that none of us are mind readers...but if she were doing it to be "titillating", don't you think that would have come across? If she were trying to convey that she were unavailable, don't you think that would have come across?

 

I think the truth is that he just tuned out while she was not actively stroking HIS ego...and only now is wondering what it meant...because he wasn't actually PAYING ATTENTION at the time. Because it WASN'T ABOUT HIM!

 

ANyway it sounds like his ideal scenario would be:

 

"I know you are married but if you were single I'd be all over you. I am really really attracted to you".

 

"WELL thank you. I too am attracted to you! I have been fantasizing about f**king you for months! It's been driving me crazy wondering whether you felt the same. Now that I know, I can relax and move on and stop imagining you on your knees giving me the bj of my life while telling me what a magnificent c**k I have. Shall we hit the books now?"

 

Yup. That's it. Just curious. Thanks for clearing that up!

 

I have played this little dance SOOOOOO many time, maybe not as many as Lizzie but PUHLENTY. I have yet to have the experience in which "getting it out in the open" dispels the sexual tension. Au contraire! At best, it goes on with "we really can't" "we really shouldn't" the justifying "I've never felt like this" or "you're so special" lies, followed by ever-increasing lust and drama until...BANG. Once you find out the other person is interested, you play the little resentment head games about your spouse...what would it hurt, why can't I, it's my life, blahdeblahdeblah.

 

It all comes crashing down eventually, for many reasons, which can include:

 

- the person is actually way not as exciting in real life as they were in your fantasy and now you just want nothing to do with them - sometimes maybe you even BLAME them for not being what you thought, even if that thought was ALL YOURS - and then you end up getting stuck with their pesky feelings. God help you if they are intense.

 

- the person is way exciting and there is no way you can avoid further unfavorable comparisons of your wife, more resentment, and more and more risk and devotion to the A...until you finally get caught and get swept up in a soul wrenching battle between guilt and selfishness.

 

Well, dude. Good luck to you. You know I don't think most people are really trying to accuse you of being evil here, just naive and delusional and self-indulgent. You're a human male. Of course you're going to have lustful feelings. But you're not supposed to cultivate them where they are. You're supposed to try to transplant them back where they belong: within your marriage.

 

Trouble with that is, it's work. And work does not sound dangerous and ego-stroking and thrilling.

 

I have no advice for you but to attempt to grow up.

[Siciliana]

Take it to the bank and deposit it, because this post is Money.

 

OK first of all am I the only one who thinks it is very strange that he could have listened to someone talk about something for THREE HOURS and have no solid educated guess about where she was going with it?????

 

If there is any mystery about it, I imagine it is because he is creating it to suit his purposes. I realize that none of us are mind readers...but if she were doing it to be "titillating", don't you think that would have come across? If she were trying to convey that she were unavailable, don't you think that would have come across?

 

I think the truth is that he just tuned out while she was not actively stroking HIS ego...and only now is wondering what it meant...because he wasn't actually PAYING ATTENTION at the time. Because it WASN'T ABOUT HIM!

 

ANyway it sounds like his ideal scenario would be:

 

"I know you are married but if you were single I'd be all over you. I am really really attracted to you".

 

"WELL thank you. I too am attracted to you! I have been fantasizing about f**king you for months! It's been driving me crazy wondering whether you felt the same. Now that I know, I can relax and move on and stop imagining you on your knees giving me the bj of my life while telling me what a magnificent c**k I have. Shall we hit the books now?"

 

Yup. That's it. Just curious. Thanks for clearing that up!

 

I have played this little dance SOOOOOO many time, maybe not as many as Lizzie but PUHLENTY. I have yet to have the experience in which "getting it out in the open" dispels the sexual tension. Au contraire! At best, it goes on with "we really can't" "we really shouldn't" the justifying "I've never felt like this" or "you're so special" lies, followed by ever-increasing lust and drama until...BANG. Once you find out the other person is interested, you play the little resentment head games about your spouse...what would it hurt, why can't I, it's my life, blahdeblahdeblah.

 

It all comes crashing down eventually, for many reasons, which can include:

 

- the person is actually way not as exciting in real life as they were in your fantasy and now you just want nothing to do with them - sometimes maybe you even BLAME them for not being what you thought, even if that thought was ALL YOURS - and then you end up getting stuck with their pesky feelings. God help you if they are intense.

 

- the person is way exciting and there is no way you can avoid further unfavorable comparisons of your wife, more resentment, and more and more risk and devotion to the A...until you finally get caught and get swept up in a soul wrenching battle between guilt and selfishness.

 

Well, dude. Good luck to you. You know I don't think most people are really trying to accuse you of being evil here, just naive and delusional and self-indulgent. You're a human male. Of course you're going to have lustful feelings. But you're not supposed to cultivate them where they are. You're supposed to try to transplant them back where they belong: within your marriage.

 

Trouble with that is, it's work. And work does not sound dangerous and ego-stroking and thrilling.

 

I have no advice for you but to attempt to grow up.

[2sunny]

 

 

ANyway it sounds like his ideal scenario would be:

 

"I know you are married but if you were single I'd be all over you. I am really really attracted to you".

 

"WELL thank you. I too am attracted to you! I have been fantasizing about f**king you for months! It's been driving me crazy wondering whether you felt the same. Now that I know, I can relax and move on and stop imagining you on your knees giving me the bj of my life while telling me what a magnificent c**k I have. Shall we hit the books now?"

 

Yup. That's it. Just curious. Thanks for clearing that up!

 

 

well - :lmao::lmao:

[ItCanBeTough]

Original poster,

 

What would happen if this woman and you are sitting at the bar, flirting, all alone and instead of saying anything she just touches you in the right way and tries to kiss you? Given how horny you are, I'm really doubtful that you would be able to resist.

 

BlueEyedGirl, two similar situations like you proposed have happened to me in the past, while married. One time a group of my buddies (some single) and I went to the bar and we all started talking to a group of girls. After a little bit of time one of them put her hand on my knee. I leaned away from her, smiled with the suggestion that I know what happened, kind of like "Thanks but no thanks" and walked to another part of the bar.

 

Lastly, if my wife had extended fantasies with one of her workmates, yea I think that would bother me. Actually, I would be thinking what is the problem with our relationship that you have to get something from someone else.

[2sunny]

 

Lastly, if my wife had extended fantasies with one of her workmates, yea I think that would bother me. Actually, I would be thinking what is the problem with our relationship that you have to get something from someone else.

 

 

exactly! why would you intend to hurt her in the same realm then?

 

are you sure that you respect her and your marriage in the sense that you say you do? if you do - then you will remove yourself from the ego strokes that you currently get from this co-worker.

 

ANY action on your thoughts could cost you life as you know it with your family/friends/co-workers.

[ItCanBeTough]

Oh I know. This is the millionth time I have seen a story like this. Married, bad/no sex with the W, new attractive woman, have cheated/is conflicted about cheating, blah blah. What's sad is that this is considered a GOOD outcome, he loves W and kids and doesn't plan on cheating but it still makes me feel . I am not married and almost wish I haven't found LS, it's really putting me of marriage. It's like once I get married odds are about 99% that my future H will either cheat or strongly lust after another woman.

 

I know what it's like to feel that way BlueEyedGirl (the comment that there is a 99% chance your future husband will cheat on you.) I hope you do realize that websites like this preferentially select for sad/lust/cheating stories. If all you read is this website on marriage relationship issues, then I don't doubt you or anyone else would be totally turned off by it.

 

Dating some for the first year or two is so ridiculously easy. Marriage can be tough.

[ItCanBeTough]

She doesn't want to marry you yet your first post clearly indicates that is what you think she is thinking.

 

"I think this woman is saying to herself I want (to marry) a man just like him, or even better..."I want (to marry) him"

 

You said it not me.

 

And if it isn't a game, the last paragraph of your initial post speaks entirely to the contrary. The "prize" in this scenario you are pondering is "getting the girl" to admit she wants to phcuk you.

 

Again.. your words, son.

 

Now, as far as your attractiveness...your ego disgusts me, thereby making you one of the most unattractive people I have ever encountered. I don't need to see your face to realize you are an ugly human being.

 

So, what did your wife say when you asked her about trying to get this girl to want to ***** you and bad as you want to ***** her????

 

Umm. OK. I won't dignify your response, daughter. I told my wife and she loves me even more. Wow am I lucky! Stop trolling websites like this one criticizing people who want advice and help. I think there is an ignore feature built into this website, of which I will avail myself of your tawdry and myopic posts.

[2sunny]

let me throw something out there ok?

 

why don't you just divorce your wife and see where this whole thing goes with this co-worker? that is the only way to find out what you are wondering... and the only way to be fair to your wife.

 

it's really not fair to her that you are seriously lusting after another gal.

 

you even said you wouldn't like it if she were doing this to you... why is it right that she is getting a fraction of your thoughts and committment - yet she is expected to be 100% committed to your marriage.

[norajane]

BlueEyedGirl, two similar situations like you proposed have happened to me in the past, while married. One time a group of my buddies (some single) and I went to the bar and we all started talking to a group of girls. After a little bit of time one of them put her hand on my knee. I leaned away from her, smiled with the suggestion that I know what happened, kind of like "Thanks but no thanks" and walked to another part of the bar.

 

That is soooo different. A stranger in a bar making a move is not anywhere the same as a woman you've been fantasizing about for months making a move.

[ItCanBeTough]

ANyway it sounds like his ideal scenario would be:

 

"I know you are married but if you were single I'd be all over you. I am really really attracted to you".

 

"WELL thank you. I too am attracted to you! I have been fantasizing about f**king you for months! It's been driving me crazy wondering whether you felt the same. Now that I know, I can relax and move on and stop imagining you on your knees giving me the bj of my life while telling me what a magnificent c**k I have. Shall we hit the books now?"

 

Wow..I think you have a penchant for the extravagant and the flair....but I like it! I'll take that scenario!

 

Well, dude. Good luck to you. You know I don't think most people are really trying to accuse you of being evil here, just naive and delusional and self-indulgent. You're a human male. Of course you're going to have lustful feelings. But you're not supposed to cultivate them where they are. You're supposed to try to transplant them back where they belong: within your marriage.

 

Thank you for your comments, I liked them.

[ItCanBeTough]

it's really not fair to her that you are seriously lusting after another gal.

 

you even said you wouldn't like it if she were doing this to you... why is it right that she is getting a fraction of your thoughts and committment - yet she is expected to be 100% committed to your marriage.

 

Sunny you are right! I agree with you. Especially the last paragraph.

[John Who]

We all lust it is part of our nature,you need to remind yourself that what you are feeling is lust,and is that lust worth you losing your family.

 

I know you mentioned you would not cheat,but you can't predict the future,you are teasing yourself tempting yourself and you might end up screwing yourself up.

 

I think you should back away from your co-worker who gives a fu-k if she wants you or not,you said it yourself you have a great wife at home who you say will never cheat on you.

[luvstarved]

Wow..I think you have a penchant for the extravagant and the flair....but I like it! I'll take that scenario!

 

 

 

Thank you for your comments, I liked them.

 

Weeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll...

 

they were not actually offered for your amusement but not surprising that you interpret them thus.

[TechDude]

and what separates us from the animals: discerning right from wrong out of all the crazy thoughts pinging around in our heads, and then deciding to act on that knowledge.

 

I'm not talking about all sorts of thoughts pinging around in our head. I agree with your there. I'm talking about deliberately and persistently thinking about something ... like the OP is choosing to do.

 

Our thoughts do NOT lead to actions unless we LET them.

Think about something enough and you will eventually let it happen.

 

Besides, all this thinking about an OW can't be doing his marriage any good.