Emotionally invested too much?

[badbobby]

Hi everyone, first post here found this place trying to find some useful info.

 

Long story short recently came into contact with an old GF (from 20+ years ago) Hadnt heard from her in 15 years. Conversations have been very benign/innocent. Some very light flirting.. She is married (and claims happily) I am happily married and not interested in straying. I've been very upfront and open with my wife regarding the contact we have had, she has read the emails, been in the room if she has called etc. She thinks I am overthinking this and its just two old friends chatting.

 

I ran this past an old friend who is a woman (never romantically involved with her) and let her read the emails etc. Her opinion was quite a bit different. This was based on a few different things, first I was in meetings for a better part of a day and my phone didnt work inside the building and she had texted me, When I didnt answer for several hours (at least she wasnt neurotic and freaking out after 5 minutes) sent another and then 30 min later sent another and sounded quite worried, finally talked to her and she was really upset and worried (to the point of emailing my secretary to make sure I was ok). Second, her and her husband are going to be near us in SoCal and want to get together for dinner later this summer but when I asked about what her husband thought of this she wouldnt answer (have asked a few times btw). Third (and my friend says this is notable) is that she REALLY wants to meet my wife and goes on and on about her (my wife) liking her.. And fourth, despite have quite a lot of contact there are some important things missing such as she has 2 kids, but has never once mentioned there names. Occasionaly she'll text me and then in the middle of a conversation quite abruptly "has to run" (old friend says husband probably walked in the room)..

There are a few other little clues, but at the same time I might hear from her a lot over a day or two, and then not hear from her for a week or more (so not some obsessive stalker type) Conversations have never been inappropriate.. She has sent some somewhat unsolicited pictures.

 

That said she was someone I wish had remained in my life as a friend, she is an awesome person. My wife has never met her, only what I have told her so she is excited to meet her as well. Now in all honesty, having been the one cheated on (wife and I are still together but took a lot of work to make happen) I know the pain of it and am truly unlikely to do that to anyone else. Nevertheless this old gf is probably the one person on this earth I would have a hard time saying no to. But she is a really sweet, kind person that I just would never believe is capable of something like this. My old friend thinks that she is already too emotionally invested (based on her reaction not being able to get a hold of me) and possibly thinking about taking this further or already made up her mind and going slow and trying to follow my lead (not that I'm leading anything).

 

I'd like to believe that this is just an old friend and all is well, the opinions I have received so far suggest that is likely not the case.. just need a fresh opinion from someone not involved with either one of us..

 

Thanks.

 

Bobby

[Ladyjane14]

I hate to quote myself... but sometimes it's just easier than typing it all out fresh.

But here's part of a post that I made to a woman who's crushing on an old "first love", much to the detriment of her long-standing marriage:

On observation of all kinds of threads here at LS, I've noticed a trend having to do with life-stress and "torch-holding". I've noticed that when people are really challenged emotionally, for all kinds of reasons... they tend to want to escape from the realities of their daily life and distract themselves by focusing their restless energy outside the marriage.

 

You see it sometimes in young men, just starting out their families. But they don't usually understand the source of their stress. They just feel restless and unhappy. They're looking for an exit, and CREATING problems that feel more concrete in order to justify it, blaming their wife and their circumstances instead.

 

All the while, the source of their anxiety is just impending fatherhood and family life; the worry that they won't be equal to the task at hand, the worry that they'll be trapped forever, etc. So... next thing you know, a young guy like that is boinking a co-worker and claiming he's "in love".

 

THERE... now he feels like he's got a real problem to deal with, something he can sink his teeth into. And wouldn't it have all been simpler if he's have just looked inside himself and IDENTIFIED the latent anxiety he was feeling?

 

Sometimes you see it in men at the midlife in their early forties, or women going through the mini midlife crisis in their mid-thirties. Sometimes you see it in women who are dealing with empty nest syndrome or taking care of aging parents. And I've noticed that ALOT of women, tend to become somewhat obsessed over their "first love"... just like you. (So, you're not weird. )

 

When you stop to REALLY think about it, our "first love" experience takes us back in time, to better days when we were young, energetic, and the world was a simpler place and still our oyster. When you look at it like that, it's easy to see that the "first love" fantasy is just an illusion built on escapism.

 

Anyway, I really do think you'll feel better if you take the time to sort through your inner self... and FIND whatever latent anxiety is lurking in there, whatever it is that makes you feel like you want to run. Once you address the real problem, all this other stuff should fade away rather nicely.

 

On the whole, if you think that something just doesn't feel right about this recent contact from an old girlfriend, I'd say "go with your gut". Women can be extremely susceptible to nostalgia when they're stressed.

[badbobby]

Well, I'm not sure what my gut says, I think this is all fine at the moment, but the few people I have confided in think definately not.

 

I am one to overthink things, and at times some of the comments or questions seem a bit close to the edge, other times she seems hardly interested in me at all to the point of seeming annoyed.

 

If there was anyone who was just a sweet kind old friend and might mistakenly be taken as wanting more because of her personality it would be her.

 

But I am certain that her husband has no idea she is talking to me, nor would he likely approve. And I am willing to bet when the time comes for us all to meet for dinner he doesnt show up and she has an excuse why.

 

That said she seemed very concerned that my wife was okay with me talking with her, insisting if she wasn't we would need to stop..

 

I guess I may not know for sure what is going on in her mind, and even if she is thinking it doesnt mean she is acting on it... very confusing. Someone I value tremendously but I would not risk my marriage for anyone.

[2sunny]

nice or not - she seems to be creating a lot of questions in your mind regarding this "friendship" which can't possibly be a positive and/or healthy consideration for your marriage.

 

i have never been the jealous type and doubt i ever will be - but my gut says - no screams - CUT HER OFF!