BudgieSmuggler Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Hi all, If you're interested in the LONG version of the story you can just search for all threads started by me, but here's the abridged version. Ex gf chases me (pushing me further away) for about 6 weeks after breakup. Decides to give up- she's had enough. The space allows me to appreciate her, miss her, and realise how much I do love her. She makes contact with me again but then tells me that she's met someone, and has started seeing them (in the space of 1 week). 1 week later, she's calling him her bf. For an entire month she has contacted me every day, then she just stopped- I tried everything I could to show her that I had changed and that I was ready to cherish her and appreciate her- she loved the attention but didn't do anything about it. She's recently resumed contacting me, but less consistently, although more meaningfully. She txt'd me saying that she missed seeing me, wished we were still going overseas together (plans that we'd previously had) etc. etc. then she came out for a night at the pub and was extremely flirtatious. I took her a surprise lunch a few days later and she was suitably impressed and stunned, then I told her that I can't keep seeing her as just a friend- I'll always want something more, that I love her with all my heart and that if she's truly happy elsewhere, I'll be happy for her, but if this is the case, she owes it to me to tell me and I will walk away. Her response (with lots of tears) was (all written as if spoken by her): I only came out the other night because I knew you'd be there, I missed you and wanted to see you.I've never considered myself the type of person to cheat, but I came damn close to cheating on my boyfriend with you at the pub- I wanted to kiss you from the minute I got thereI've found myself checking your friend's myspace pages to look for new photos of you just to see what you're up toI acknowledge that all of this behaviour is "not normal" given that I'm with somebody else, I need to process exactly what this means to meI got together with the somebody else far too quickly in an effort to get back at you, but now I'm attached and this new guy hasn't done anything to deserve me breaking his heartI'm not prepared to give up what I have with new guy because he's always treated me right from day 1, on a chance that you truly have changedIf I did get back together with you, I would put far too much pressure on you to make things perfect which wouldn't be fair on you.Maybe I shouldn't even be in a relationship now, maybe I just need to be on my own for a while. I don't know.So with that I wished her all the best and hugged her goodbye and have now initiated NC. She assured me that she believed our paths would cross in the future due to the mutuality of certain friends etc. My own analysis of this is that:She's obviously confused, and also obviously not 100% into new guy, or else thoughts of me would have disappeared.She still loves me, but she isn't ready to risk trusting me againHave I done the right thing? Will NC serve as a useful tool for her to actually sort out her confusion, process what I've said and consider trusting me again? These are my hopes. Would love some external opinions.
bejshermanoaks Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Tough one..sounds like the new guy is a rebound cause of you... Id do one of two things 1) NC OR 2) Call her and say, do you want to be with me? Cause it sounds to me like she wants to be.. I see no middle ground...tough one dude...gosh, Im torn on this one..
Trimmer Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Have I done the right thing? Will NC serve as a useful tool for her to actually sort out her confusion, process what I've said and consider trusting me again? These are my hopes. Would love some external opinions. The "right thing" depends on what outcome you want, or at least, can live with. My belief is that the purpose of NC initiated by you is as a tool for you. It's a way for you to sort out the confusion, to heal, to become whole and to move forward in life as a strong, confident individual. The whole point of NC is that it doesn't matter what is going on with her, because the NC provides the insulation to let you do what you need to do. So the question becomes, are you trying to decide on what to do to affect her behavior (in which case, NC is one option among several,) or have you committed to NC for yourself, and you are just trying to guess at what her behavior might be as a result?
Author BudgieSmuggler Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 My belief is that the purpose of NC initiated by you is as a tool for you. It's a way for you to sort out the confusion, to heal, to become whole and to move forward in life as a strong, confident individual. The whole point of NC is that it doesn't matter what is going on with her, because the NC provides the insulation to let you do what you need to do. So the question becomes, are you trying to decide on what to do to affect her behavior (in which case, NC is one option among several,) or have you committed to NC for yourself, and you are just trying to guess at what her behavior might be as a result? I guess I'd be interested to hear all of the above. What options I have to affect her behaviour (NC being one of them, what are the others??) and the goal behind each of them. The NC commitment is also partially for myself, in the sense that love her as I may, if she's not coming back (which I believe seems unlikely... but that could be me being overly optimistic), then I need to try and move forward. I have to admit I do try and guess what her behaviour would be in response to this, but I'm not sure what this really achieves.
sedgwick Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I find it so interesting that you didn't want her until she went away. You dumped her, you were further turned off when she chased you, and now you want her back? I think you have to let her go. You dumped her. You made her feel humiliated. If she decides to come back, she will, but she is absolutely right not to trust you. I don't think NC is necessary. Maybe just contact her once every few weeks just to see how she is, but let her come to you. Right now she doesn't trust you, and that is as it should be.
inulg Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I find it so interesting that you didn't want her until she went away. You dumped her, you were further turned off when she chased you, and now you want her back? I think you have to let her go. You dumped her. You made her feel humiliated. If she decides to come back, she will, but she is absolutely right not to trust you. I don't think NC is necessary. Maybe just contact her once every few weeks just to see how she is, but let her come to you. Right now she doesn't trust you, and that is as it should be. Sorry, but i have to agree with Sedgwick on this one... She has every right not to trust you, and if you really want her back so badly, you are going to have to prove that to her.
vivrantflo Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I went through something similar...she grabbed a rebound guy two weeks after our break up and gave me those same lines.. Dont fall for that stupid crap.. She admits to moving on too fast, but now she's attached? And doesn't want to break his heart?? Don't fall for that crap. Women can change men faster than they change pumps.. so if she really wanted you, she'd go for you NOW, before things get too deep with the new guy! I'd go NC.. she's attached to the other guy, so even if she leaves him to give u another chance, she's always going to wonder what it would have been like with the other guy... and that would be horrible for your relationship. Let her relationship run it's course.. I did.. and my ex is still with the other guy a year later and she still calls/texts/emails/drive bys me.. but I digress... She'd rather give her all to someone else, rather than try and fix things with you.. that's all you need to know.. go NC, and make HER decision final.. if she misses you, that's HER problem.. you should move on with your life.
LuCidiTy Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I find it so interesting that you didn't want her until she went away. You dumped her, you were further turned off when she chased you, and now you want her back? I think you have to let her go. You dumped her. You made her feel humiliated. If she decides to come back, she will, but she is absolutely right not to trust you. I don't think NC is necessary. Maybe just contact her once every few weeks just to see how she is, but let her come to you. Right now she doesn't trust you, and that is as it should be. i agree with this. i don't know why she should believe you or even take you back. you say you love her now, but you didn't realize that then? weren't willing to work it out when she "chased you" after and instead put her through more and more hell? now on your terms you decide you want her back? and you're all bothered because there's another guy? is this a competition of some sort? i just don't understand. yeah, she's obviously confused because you confused her. thing is? you seem more than a little confused yourself. as for the nc? i think it's a good idea. for her sake and not so much yours.
Author BudgieSmuggler Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Sorry, but i have to agree with Sedgwick on this one... She has every right not to trust you, and if you really want her back so badly, you are going to have to prove that to her. Any suggestions as to how I might be able to go about doing this? i agree with this. i don't know why she should believe you or even take you back. you say you love her now, but you didn't realize that then? weren't willing to work it out when she "chased you" after and instead put her through more and more hell? now on your terms you decide you want her back? and you're all bothered because there's another guy? is this a competition of some sort? i just don't understand. yeah, she's obviously confused because you confused her. thing is? you seem more than a little confused yourself. as for the nc? i think it's a good idea. for her sake and not so much yours. I always realised I loved her- I told her that. I didn't intentionally put her through hell, I had issues that I needed to deal with and I can honestly say for the first time in a while that I dealt with them. As a direct result of these issues, I was somewhat numb and oblivious to the hell I was creating for her. I suppose it's poetic justice that I'm now going through a similar hell. I'm not bothered so much by the presence of this other guy, but her actions toward me together with the feelings she clearly still holds for me (and has told me about)... Let's think about it, if the other guy knew about that he'd probably want to walk away for his own sake. It's not a competition, I don't feel like her love is something that I can buy. I do know that she once loved me more than I could have imagined, I still hold this same love for her and she's indicated in more ways than one that she still harbours many of these feelings. Her words to me were along the lines of "While I have these incredibly strong feelings still there for you, and I acknowledge that I shouldn't be having this feelings whilst I'm in another relationship, I cannot accept or believe that you have truly changed and that your heart is in this. I'm not prepared to give up what I have now, on a chance that it is true." The only thing I'd like to do, is somehow show her that I am worthy of her trust; that she should give me a chance because I won't disappoint her. Is there a way for me to do this? I'm not sure, but if so, I'd like to know about it.
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