Covonia Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 That explains a LOT. Meaning? My life experience is not up to scratch?
StartingOver07 Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Without communication, what do you have? A whole lot of assumptions. Without "the talk" (to obviously go along with the actions), how can anyone truly know where they stand? Like you said, TBF, no one has a crystal ball. I think the difference is that you can be communicating just fine without having something called the talk. In my experience, the information that would be revealed in "the talk" is shared daily/weekly as the r/s progresses. Little things are said/done, conversations about the future happen (or obviously don't), etc. There are all sorts of signs along the way. I definitely like guys who are open and who enjoy talking about a wide range of topics -- intellectual, emotional, spiritual, etc. -- but I have never needed a talk to tell me where I stood.
Trialbyfire Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 To clarify, here's where I sit in my "stage of life". I'm 33 years old, already divorced from one failed marriage due to cheating and not on my part. I accept full responsibility for settling for a non-compatible personality type. This kind of settling will never happen again. I don't want to waste time playing games or guessing, with someone who isn't a relationship-style person. Having said that, I need a strong communicator, someone social, consistent and capable of knowing what they want and clearly expressing it. I'm also in no hurry to get married again, unless someone can give me what I need, to make me happy and comfortable, in the relationship. Not everyone feels this way, which is okay. It's simply what I need, which is also okay. Covonia, when I was 19, I had just come out of an LTR. There's no one on this planet, who could have made me give up my freedom, at that point in time. Once again, stage in life.
Ariadne Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 What you say is true, but then every couple has their problem's at times in relationship's. No relationship is perfect and it's naive to believe so. Yes, people have problems. The good thing about soumates is that they are very compatible, so they usually have similar approaches to situations, same attitudes and values, and things are more easily resolved. Kind of like when your best friend wants to do something and you want to do something else, it's easier to find an agreement, rather than with someone you have nothing to do with. Soulmates are people you really click with, and that are very much the same as you.
Touche Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 So by this standard would you say that if two people are dating and one of them feels a sense of urgency about having "the talk" but is hesitant to do so because they worry it will not be welcomed, they should take this as an indication that it is not a "soulmate" situation? Hmmm, good question. My answer would be not necessarily...BUT it would certainly make me stop and pause because it would point to incompatibility. I mean if one person has to worry that something they bring up won't be "welcomed", then to me that does point in the direction of incompatibility. "Soulmates" can freely talk about anything and everything and never have to worry what the other will think.
sally4sara Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Hmmm, good question. My answer would be not necessarily...BUT it would certainly make me stop and pause because it would point to incompatibility. I mean if one person has to worry that something they bring up won't be "welcomed", then to me that does point in the direction of incompatibility. "Soulmates" can freely talk about anything and everything and never have to worry what the other will think. Thats how I sorta view it too.
Covonia Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 "Soulmates" can freely talk about anything and everything and never have to worry what the other will think. And they can solve problems, questions and queries with action. Such as a gentle kiss, an implusive holiday idea which leaves you packing your suitcase frantically waiting for an adventure, that type of thing? I hope it includes that or I'm heading for a world of trouble - it serves me right for being so utopian, implusive, vivid and a hopeless romantic.
Touche Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 And they can solve problems, questions and queries with action. Such as a gentle kiss, an implusive holiday idea which leaves you packing your suitcase frantically waiting for an adventure, that type of thing? I hope it includes that or I'm heading for a world of trouble - it serves me right for being so utopian, implusive, vivid and a hopeless romantic. Yes. You know I've been agreeing with much of what you've said on this thread. Actually, I'm impressed that you're only 19. I would have thought you were a little older.
Covonia Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Yes. You know I've been agreeing with much of what you've said on this thread. Actually, I'm impressed that you're only 19. I would have thought you were a little older. Now, now don't be wishing away my youth, it will be sad day when I wake up and find my first grey hair and wrinkle.
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Well, Katie's guy is definitely seeing her as a booty call. You really need to get these ladies copies of The Rules and He's Just Not That Into You stat. They all gave it up to the guy's too soon but it might not be to late to salvage if they read and take to heart those books. Oh, yes, Why Men Love Bitches is even better than those two books and Katie especially will benefit from it.
Krytie TV Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Well Star Gazer, the only reason I can imagine that women are hesitant to bring up the "talk", as exemplified by your friend mentioning scaring the guy off, is because these particular women that do hesistate fall somewhere in the continuum of needy, insecure, dependent. I don't use these terms as negative judgments, just at their definitions. Anyone worried about "scaring" a man off at the expense of their own best interest obviously has some intense "need" for validation, however superficial, that can only be provided by having a man that wants to be with them. They probably feel that he will stay around longer if they don't push the issue, when in reality, what they're getting is a man who is given the silent "green light" to do what he wants with her regardless of his long-term intention.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 They probably feel that he will stay around longer if they don't push the issue, when in reality, what they're getting is a man who is given the silent "green light" to do what he wants with her regardless of his long-term intention. I totally agree with this.
serial muse Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I agree that age matters; I'm 36, and 15 years ago I saw things in a much more black-and-white, "you'll just know," "it's in his kiss" sort of way. Sadly, now I'm much more aware of the grey areas - the ones where damn it, the information is plain old conflicting. I respect what you're saying, Covonia, but I think it assumes that the guys in question (and this goes for women too) know themselves what they want and are giving clear signals to that effect. Plenty of times, that isn't the case. And so much of it comes down to expectations - some people, for example, might interpret not getting a text by noon the day after sex as a brush-off; others (including me) wouldn't blink twice about it. Which is why discussion actually matters - people really do have very different ways of interpreting the exact same information, and that's why "she should know how I feel about her through my actions, for pete's sake" isn't going to cut it all the time. That said...some actions are loud and clear. Because let's face it, negative actions are far easier to pick up on and interpret than the positive ones! So, sadly, I think NJ's assessment of your friends' situations is right on, Star. I think there is a lot of truth to the statement that deep down, sometimes you don't want to ask because you aren't ready to hear what you know the answer will be. Sigh, been there. And I think that in most of your friends' cases, they know that if they ask, it won't really be what they want to hear.
Covonia Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I agree that age matters; I'm 36, and 15 years ago I saw things in a much more black-and-white, "you'll just know," "it's in his kiss" sort of way. Sadly, now I'm much more aware of the grey areas - the ones where damn it, the information is plain old conflicting. I respect what you're saying, Covonia, but I think it assumes that the guys in question (and this goes for women too) know themselves what they want and are giving clear signals to that effect. Plenty of times, that isn't the case. Your post makes a lot of sense, but to me I've always found actions signal more intent. I'll explain. Anyone can say to someone "I love you", but I'd rather show someone "I love them" through actions. Most people will blurt out "I love you", that's nice, but its words, it can carry a deep-rooted and honest meaning, but tell that to someone who has had their heart broken once too often? I'd rather sit down at my desk in the middle of the night with my lamp on writing a poem, or prose, to show my affection/emotion etc. Or I'll take that person to one of my favourite places that means a lot to me personally and share that experience with her. I like to show someone how I feel, through actions, because that's my personality. When I was a small boy I used to ask a lot of questions, such as why is the grass green, why is the sky blue, how do birds soar through the soft clouds on a fine summer's day. I then decided to find out why these things happened, so naturally it is easier for me to convey how I feel about someone by showing them how I feel through my actions, it sounds daft and words of a hopeless romantic, but that's just me. I like to invite someone into my world, and into my mind, how I feel and how I think and I find it easier to show them, rather than tell them. And if they can't see it, then that's their loss isn't it? They just don't understand me and aren't what I'm looking for, I know it sounds profound, but I'd sooner be like how I am then whisper and shout cliched words from my mouth. Conversation is a vital neccesity in life, but sometimes it's better when you don't say anything at all. It's like people who say I want to go on holiday? They will ponder over this and plan it. I don't, I pick a place on a map, see if I have the funds (if I do) I then book the holiday for a weeks time, people call it stupidity, I call it impluse, implusiveness is good, the world should live on impluse, life's too short to waste time (again cliches) but that's how it goes.
norajane Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Your post makes a lot of sense, but to me I've always found actions signal more intent. I'll explain. Anyone can say to someone "I love you", but I'd rather show someone "I love them" through actions. Most people will blurt out "I love you", that's nice, but its words, it can carry a deep-rooted and honest meaning, but tell that to someone who has had their heart broken once too often? I'd rather sit down at my desk in the middle of the night with my lamp on writing a poem, or prose, to show my affection/emotion etc. Or I'll take that person to one of my favourite places that means a lot to me personally and share that experience with her. I like to show someone how I feel, through actions, because that's my personality. When I was a small boy I used to ask a lot of questions, such as why is the grass green, why is the sky blue, how do birds soar through the soft clouds on a fine summer's day. I then decided to find out why these things happened, so naturally it is easier for me to convey how I feel about someone by showing them how I feel through my actions, it sounds daft and words of a hopeless romantic, but that's just me. I like to invite someone into my world, and into my mind, how I feel and how I think and I find it easier to show them, rather than tell them. And if they can't see it, then that's their loss isn't it? They just don't understand me and aren't what I'm looking for, I know it sounds profound, but I'd sooner be like how I am then whisper and shout cliched words from my mouth. Have you heard of the Five Love Languages? Not everyone communicates love in the same way. Some show love through acts. Some through words. Some through physical touch. Some through quality time together. Some through gifts. And many through a combination of the above. All fine and well except if you show/receive love through acts and touch, but you are with someone who shows/receives through words and gifts, you end up with a disconnect. You end up feeling like your acts aren't appreciated or noticed or understood. And she ends up feeling like you won't communicate your love, and you're dismissing her words of love to you. And you both end up feeling unloved and at odds. It's better to try to understand how each of you communicate and make an effort to communicate in each other's love languages.
MsJJ Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I have never brought up "the talk" with any guy I've dated and never really had the desire to. I think that often these things happen naturally and if any finalizing words are said the guy should be the one to say them. Is that a sexist and silly view? Probably, but that's how I feel and it's worked for me, I just wouldn't ask a guy to commit to me. I think that if a guy wants to be committed and in a relationship status he will say so. I also never flip out over "where is this going" like your examples. Do these women want a commitment? It seems like maybe the guys don't want one in these situations and the women feel that. I agree with this 100%. I, also, have friends who almost obsess about this and talk about it constantly, but they don't want to ask the men they are dating. For myself, if I start questioning, then it's because I know it the back of my mind the answer is a negative one. I can't speak for Star gazer's friends, but I know that some of my friends would rather just tag along for a bit longer rather than be left with something they didn't want to hear and be alone.
4givrnt4gtr Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 The way that you "just know," is because the guy who loves you starts telling you that he wants to spend every moment with you. Talks about the future with you. Talks about having children with you. Plans vacations with you to places you mentioned you wanted to visit and pays for most of the things. Considers you when making plans and invites you everywhere, especially to family gatherings etc etc. A guy that doesn't want anything to do with you will never talk about the future, won't include you in his plans, won't make you a priority, wants to see you just to have sex maybe a dinner at the most, etc. WOw....as i read this post my ex-boyfriend came to mind. He used to plan moving in with me, talked about how I would be the strict parent of our children, and invited me several times to meet his grandma (I had already met his mom, dad brother, half sister, dogs friends etc). ...Later I found out he had been cheating on me all along and his break up excuse was that he wasnt ready for a relationship.... Comes to show you, nothing is so cut and dry...
sb129 Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I need some updating please. Who are the two guys you are dating SG? Is one of them the guy who was less than honest about his age? Or are they two new ones?
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