Titanguy Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 So after watching my wife's phone bill and seeing her work e-mail account I'm sad to say that she is having an E/A. I can honestly say that it has not become a PA. However this is not the first time that she has not established proper limits on friendships. I'm at the point now were I must tell her that it is marriage counseling or we are through. We have a beautiful 2 year old girl who will be 3 next month and I love my wife with all my heart but I simply can not stand to feel like this anymore. A loving and respectful wife does not carry on sending text messages and e-mails in a proactive manner to a single man. It is disrespectful to me and our family. So what advise can anyone here give me to get this started? I have written a letter that I would like some feedback on as well. Let me ask you a few questions. If you went and saw a magician do his show every night how long would it take you until you knew his tricks? I feel like I'm at that point now at knowing a magician's tricks. Remember when that guy XXX asked XXX if If we were ok you gave me that heartfelt apology because obviously he was mistaken about your friendship? Or when I found those text that you sent XXX about how he should be romancing you and how you missed him? You also apologized for that. I sit here today wondering just what you were apologizing for? Was it because I saw that? Or because that obviously was very hurtful to me and to our marriage? I honestly feel as though I have been naive to think the things that I have though over these past 2 years. While I have thought that everything was getting better between us you were just doing a great job of acting. I have asked you countless times for us to go to marriage counseling. Yet nothing, while I sat here thinking that our marriage was based on love, respect and the traditional things like that it was all lies. Your actions do not speak of someone who loves and honors her husband. How would you feel if I was disrespecting you and our children by doing these things over and over again? You talked of not omitting the truth from people. Do I not count when it comes to that policy? I have a real hard time understanding why you continue to go and seek out these "friendships" that do nothing but hurt our marriage. This is not a fantasy to XXX who I will be giving a call do and taking care of some business with. How do you really expect this to end? Bottom line I'm not at all happy with the current state of our marriage. I see two choices for us marriage counseling or for us to go our separate ways. The choice is yours, Input? Thanks...
Arch Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Wait whats with the thing you quoted, it doesn't make sense - what do you plan on doing with it?
Author Titanguy Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Wait whats with the thing you quoted, it doesn't make sense - what do you plan on doing with it? It's a note I wrote that I plan on giving her.
Arch Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 It's a note I wrote that I plan on giving her. Why give her a note, can't you just tell her in person?
Author Titanguy Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Why give her a note, can't you just tell her in person? Well yeah I can give it to her face to face or read from it. I just don't want to lose my place. So back on topic any input from anyone?
DrIndigo Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Most women I know (and I'm a woman) would respond to that letter one of two ways: by saying see ya' or by lying to you yet again, even if what they really want is to improve the marriage. (And yes, people fake their way through marriage counseling all the time). You are obviously hurt and angry and understandably so. But if you want her to respond to you in a way that might help your marriage, ask her why she feels she needs these other relationships. Instead of throwing her vows back in her face, find out what the underlying problem is. I guarantee you there is one, even if it turns out to be that your wife is an incurable narcassist. In order to communicate honestly and effectively, people need to feel safe. I know the last thing you're interested in right now is probably making her more comfortable, but it's the way to get her to communicate with you.
Author Titanguy Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Should I confront the guy? He has been chasing my wife for years. This has just started in the last month or so.
Arch Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Should I confront the guy? He has been chasing my wife for years. This has just started in the last month or so. Why? He is not making your wife cheat, its all her choice.
DrIndigo Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I would talk to your wife first. If she wants to go to marriage counseling but you feel she may still be vulnerable, it might be appropriate to ask the guy in question to respect your wife's desire to make the marriage work. But even contemplating talking to this guy should be predicated on your wife being fully forthcoming about what the nature of the EA is and why she thinks it appealed to her.
Author Titanguy Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 (edited) Ok so i changed up what I'm going to say to her a little bit thanks for the help so far. Let me ask you a few questions. If you went and saw a magician do his show every night how long would it take you until you knew his tricks? I feel like I'm at that point now at knowing a magician's tricks. Remember when that guy XXX asked XXX if If we were ok you gave me that heartfelt apology because obviously he was mistaken about your friendship? Or when I found those text that you sent XXX about how he should be romancing you and how you missed him? You also apologized for that. I sit here today wondering just what you were apologizing for? Was it because I saw that? Or because that obviously was very hurtful to me and to our marriage? I honestly feel as though I have been naive to think the things that I have though over these past 2 years. While I have thought that everything was getting better between us you were just doing a great job of acting. I have asked you countless times for us to go to marriage counseling. Yet nothing, while I sat here thinking that our marriage was based on love, respect and the traditional things like that I feel like everything has been a lie. Look obviously there is a HUGE underlying problem in our marriage. You talked of not omitting the truth from people. Do I not count when it comes to that policy? I have a real hard time understanding why you continue to go and seek out these friendships that do nothing but hurt our marriage. This is not a fantasy to XXX Please help me understand why you feel you need for these other relationships. opinions? Edited March 23, 2008 by Titanguy
IpAncA Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I wouldn't give the note. I'd confront her about it and show her that you have proof of it.
Cobra_X30 Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Ok so i changed up what I'm going to say to her a little bit thanks for the help so far. opinions? I think what you have written is good. Most women who do things like your wife is doing... they don't care too much about how you feel. It's all about how she feels at the moment. So, don't expect this to carry too much real weight with her unless you provide her consequences. Maybe you should do some research... talk to a divorce lawyer. I'm not saying get a divorce... I'm just saying do the research. I'm going to share a little bit of personal insight here. For most women, you will never, ever be more attractive to her, as when your about to walk away forever. To a certain degree she does what she does because she thinks you leave... which means you permit it.
Owl Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 What "proof" do you have? If its good, SOLID proof...INSIST on marriage counseling and bring it with you. Confronting her, even with the proof, is likely going to just drive her activities underground. Unless you really ARE considering leaving her over this...she's "gotten away" with it this long...so why should this cause a change? Take it to the marriage counselor, and have HIM/HER help you deal with and work through this. Don't waste your time confronting OM...that's usually pretty useless. He'll deny, he'll warn your wife, she'll spin a story to do damage control, and they'll take the whole thing underground. And things will go on. Since this has apparently been a recurring issue in your marriage up to this point, and she's not changed...what's the catalyst to cause change THIS time? MC might be a good start...just my thoughts.
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