melusine71 Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Ok, so out of the blue he calls me up and says, I've changed my mind and I want to help you. I don't know how many of you have ever heard my story but this is about as weird as well.... monkeys flying out my butt. I pointed out that he had been very rude and flat out said no YESTERDAY when I asked him for assistance with the kids and that he had been er, a maniac when it came to me ever since I stopped letting him control everything and he said, "I won't do it again..." And I said, "And you expect me to believe you?" He said, "I don't want to be mean anymore". And I said, "You mean today..." My hands were shaking when I got off the phone with him. I told him thanks but no thanks cuz he had the opprotunity to be decent when I asked him and instead he was an ahole. I called him at work to talk about it expressly because I knew she wouldn't be there. He's always got some woman leading him around by the nose. Well, except me. I always felt like I was on the losing end, even though he made a big production out of being clingy and saying I didn't want to spend time with him. AND HE WAS CHEATING ON ME THE WHOLE TIME. I tried to make him more confident, tried to show my support & conviction in his abilities. His dorky twat girlfriend must be tied up tomorrow, either that or he's getting sick of the dungeons & dragons set he's been hanging out with. I am FINALLY getting my **** together and I wish he would just disappear. What do you do when someone is a genuinely bad person, a weak person, a compulsive liar I mean, his bad qualities far outweigh his good ones and he will NOT get help. I really don't want him influencing my kids!!! But he's their Dad and they love him. At least he's saying he needs to get his own place now. He was whining around about having another car and I told him he had his priorities all wrong. I said, "Don't you miss your children? Did you read that excerpt of the book I sent you? About how they will always be sad about you until they see you have a home and are safe and happy?" He said nothing. It's just like I knew--- I know he doesn't read my email. Maybe I'll start sending him letters. Anyway, how do I deal with this abrupt about face? It has to be bull*hit, right? I am not letting him into my apartment. he wants to keep his worlds completely separate. I said, You can come and get them tomorrow afternoon and then bring them back on Monday. Nope. So he's just coming here for the afternoon and taking them out for the day. It's all so triflin' and strange. I'm just trying to figure out how to take the high road and still have boundaries. Any advice?
Ronni_W Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 I'm just trying to figure out how to take the high road and still have boundaries. Any advice? I followed the advice of one of my mentors. It goes something like: Set "high intentions" for WHY you are going to allow whatever you are going to allow. (She called them "noble intentions", but that word didn't work for me.) Then let those intentions guide where you set the boundaries. For example, "I'm doing this for the kids." Then I tried to figured out the minimum best that I had to allow, for the kids to enjoy themselves -- Let him knock on my front door? Yes. Come into my house? No. Be pleasant? Yes. Offer money for pizza? Be flexible about what time they're due back? For me, I could easier set boundaries that worked (for my own psyche), when I was clear about what I was getting out of the deal -- happy kids, feeling guilt-free, or whatever the case. So, actually, I used to also call them my "selfish reasons" since I made sure that I also got something out of the deal .
Author melusine71 Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 Ok, but how did you set those rules? Did you talk to your kids about how things were going to be? My daughter is 6 and she is so sharp. I'm not sure I how to tell them he can't pick them up tomorrow by coming inside to get them. Oh and by the way, neither one of my kids, especially my 2 yr old, seem thrilled to spend time with their Dad. They always seem quiet and conflicted when they return. Not the oldest so much as my baby. He seems totally stunned and doesn't really talk for a while when he gets back. I know this is because my ex spends all of his time lavishing attention on our daughter, who is funny and talkative. The baby hasn't got very good language skills yet and even though I understand him, his father does not. And he doesn't try. When their Dad calls, even though the baby can speak and say hello and stuff, the X never asks to speak to him. Because he left when J was so small, only about 16 months old, I think he still thinks of him that way. there is so much interaction you have to do with a toddler. I just hope that the damage that he has done in the relationship with my darlings can be repaired. X won't do anything overly difficult. He skipped the appt with my daughter's therapist when he stayed with them a few weeks ago. I also found out that he fed my daughter two things while he was here, mac & cheese and Oatmeal. If she didn't finish her oatmeal for bfast, guess what she got (cold) for dinner? I am afraid. I mean, really really afraid.
Ronni_W Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 For yourself, I'd suggest just setting the rules (for the adults) so that YOU can live with them, and answer the kids' questions about it honestly and in ways they will understand. That said, I did once tell our 4 y/o niece, "I'm sorry, it's one of those weird grown-up things that I just don't have the words to explain." This was after MANY questions about her uncle's and my divorce, to which I'd given straight, age-appropriate answers but whatever this one was, it had me stumped! Even at that age, she seemed to get it AND to appreciate that I didn't just feed her some BS. But it is tough trying to communicate what I call "grown-up dysfunctions" to kids . I'd try something like, "From now on, I'm going to take you to meet dad at <the curb, or Grandma's, or the mall>." At the right time, maybe also something general about how Mom and Dad have really different ideas of how to be a Mom or Dad; that it likely will get confusing; and to know they can talk with you. I do not know how to deal with the fact that he just seems to lack effective parenting skills. Perhaps you need to speak with your daughter's therapist as to how much is "too" much, and at what point do you take legal action to ensure safe visits? (Too bad there is no law about happy visits!) It's just a sad fact that the kids' reality is that they have a Dad who lacks parenting skills -- they will have to adapt to his "style" when they are with him. Of course it's not good to badmouth the other parent but, IMO, to say, "No, I don't agree with what Daddy/Mommy did," isn't badmouthing...and is sometimes critical to helping the child feel understood and supported. Them seeming "quiet and conflicted" might be because they're needing time to adjust. You could check if there's something specific they'd like to do upon their return, to help with the transition - watch a movie together, have you read to them, do some drawing, or whatever. I realize none of this is truly helpful in dissipating your anxiety. To me, your kids are fortunate because they have a Mom who is desiring and willing to stay on the High Road -- with you as their primary guide and mentor, they will be just fine . Wishing you and the kids all the best.
Author melusine71 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Gunny!! I wish you lived down the street. You always make me laugh and that is in dreadfully short supply right now. Thanks.
Author melusine71 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 For yourself, I'd suggest just setting the rules (for the adults) so that YOU can live with them, and answer the kids' questions about it honestly and in ways they will understand. That said, I did once tell our 4 y/o niece, "I'm sorry, it's one of those weird grown-up things that I just don't have the words to explain." This was after MANY questions about her uncle's and my divorce, to which I'd given straight, age-appropriate answers but whatever this one was, it had me stumped! Even at that age, she seemed to get it AND to appreciate that I didn't just feed her some BS. But it is tough trying to communicate what I call "grown-up dysfunctions" to kids . I'd try something like, "From now on, I'm going to take you to meet dad at <the curb, or Grandma's, or the mall>." I just told her, "Honey, you know how you can't go to your Dad's place? Well, I need privacy, too. That's just what happens when Mom's & Dad's decide not to live together anymore. We both still love you and will do whatever we can to make sure you're happy, but we need to spend as much time apart as we can." She rolled her eyes and said, " Mmmooom, you've already told me that..." I said, I just don't want you to forget it. Because, even with the attitude, she asked me TODAY why Daddy couldn't just stay here to visit. She wanted to show him her Nintendo & stuff. Kids are complex!! I fixed them a bag of easter eggs filled with candy, sent a diaper bag, their easter baskets and told him to have a good time. I even let him drive my car. I'm still doing too much. But it's never enough. He's called me twice in the last 30 minutes because he didn't know how to get here or there. I did the best I could to help him because I don't want the kids to be miserable but god, if I have a few precious hours to myself, and he calls me the whole time about every little thing.... especially when he told me not one week ago that he couldn't "rush to my assistance everytime I called..." over something more serious than not being able to find Toys R Us. he sounds all sulky and mad. What did I do to deserve that ****head in my life? I bet they're back in an hour and he's pissed at me. On another interesting note, he tried to put me on this huge guilt trip the day after he told me to f- off because i told him that I too had other plans on the Sunday before my daughter's birthday hence, it wouldn't be feasible for him to visit. I used his words, "it's not going to happen..." He sent her an ECARD saying he had a present for her and he would give it to her the next time he saw her if only he could be with her. (because her mother is such a bitch and wouldn't let him) I just asked him about that. I said, "Didn't you say you already had a gift for her anyway? Why do you need to go to a toy store?" And he muttered and said "well" a lot. Hmmm, "Well, because I'm a giant effing liar and I was just trying to make our daughter think you were keeping us apart." I HATE him. It is so hard to be nice. I just hold my kids faces in my mind when I talk to him. I want him to go do an easter egg hunt with them. They missed it because he came to visit. And his second call was about how to find a park... I gave him VERY simple directions and he said, "I'll never remember that." And I said, "You can figure it out." And hung up. At the right time, maybe also something general about how Mom and Dad have really different ideas of how to be a Mom or Dad; that it likely will get confusing; and to know they can talk with you. I do not know how to deal with the fact that he just seems to lack effective parenting skills. Perhaps you need to speak with your daughter's therapist as to how much is "too" much, and at what point do you take legal action to ensure safe visits? (Too bad there is no law about happy visits!) Amen! they always seem out of sorts for a day or two after spending time with him. And my eldest feels guilty because she usually wants to go do something else when they have plans, aka, something FUN but she feel responsible to her father, to spend time with him, even though it sucks. like right now, I'm sure he is being a ****head. Because he can't figure out which way to go...? He has NO ability to put other people ahead of his own irritation-- not even his own kids. X was in a bad mood about a friggin' hangnail or whatever, next thing you know one of my children crossed his path, touched the stereo and it was like WWIII. It's just a sad fact that the kids' reality is that they have a Dad who lacks parenting skills -- they will have to adapt to his "style" when they are with him. Of course it's not good to badmouth the other parent but, IMO, to say, "No, I don't agree with what Daddy/Mommy did," isn't badmouthing...and is sometimes critical to helping the child feel understood and supported. I just tell her that her Dad isn't clear about somethings, doesn't always make the best decisions but that he TRIES to make the best decisions. i'll talk to him about it. It's ok. Them seeming "quiet and conflicted" might be because they're needing time to adjust. You could check if there's something specific they'd like to do upon their return, to help with the transition - watch a movie together, have you read to them, do some drawing, or whatever. I usually do something to totally reset their clocks when they come home like give them a bath and then hot chocolate or something. Just erase it and you're home and it's like coming back from dance class or soccer or whatever, just another outing. I listen and express enthusiasm when she tells me they had SO much fun and what they did. She's also smart enough to gloss over her disappointments. I'm afraid she knows that if I find out she was really miserable hanging out with her Dad that there might be trouble. I realize none of this is truly helpful in dissipating your anxiety. To me, your kids are fortunate because they have a Mom who is desiring and willing to stay on the High Road -- with you as their primary guide and mentor, they will be just fine . Wishing you and the kids all the best. Thank you. I will just keep working on it. I know that my resentment and dislike of their Dad leaks through. He is odious to me. He came in for a few minutes to collect them and he asked me how I was and told me he was "sorry for being so horrible..." and I said, "R, that means less than nothing to me. Now go, have fun with your kids. " He's only here, and trying to "talk" to me because his slag is on vacation or something. I prayed to God to show me the right path this morning in earnest. I made the mistake of looking at old photos last night and there he was, staring at me in one of the pics, nuzzling my neck, looking like he wanted to gobble me up. We were in love then. It wasn't a dream. But it feels disloyal to myself to think about that now. I hope this nice phase lasts longer than the last one did. (One week) I could really use some extra cash. I'm guessing it will end right around the time Spring Break does. (She's still in school... at 30!)
Author melusine71 Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 (edited) So he "came up to see the kids" offered to send the night to help out tomorrow morning with an interview. i said no. When he got back with the kids this evening, he wanted to stay to put them to bed. He said he felt really awkward being here and so did I.. I couldn't even look at him. He's always so good at relating to us womenfolk. So we decided he could go get some milk and diapers and cat food just to waste some time until they went to bed. I asked him if he had a new roommate... because I'm suspecting that he does. What the hell is he doing with all that spare cash? I felt like an idiot because he was in my house after all my plans but the kids were so happy to see him and it was just for a couple of hours after they had been gone all day. Plus I was here, what could he do? He kept staring at my shoulders, my neck. It was almost bad enough to make me blush. I suspect my HUSBAND wanted to cheat with me on his stupid pathetic waste of life slut girlfriend. He was suspiciously apologetic, "unsaid" most of the terrible **** he said to me last weekend (you know, when the children really needed him and he was SO rude & nasty) I knew those weren't his words anyway, but hers. He said, oh I'm such a great mother, did I need any money? blah blah blah. I said, that's weird because last weekend you said I was completely incompetent R. And that you couldn't "rush to my assistance" every time I called. She's back. I think she was gone for a few days and suddenly he was Mr. ****ing Cooperative. He went out to the store and came back completely changed and had a burning desire to leave. He didn't even take off his coat. She must have gotten home from tyin' on the feedbag at Mom & Dad's. Did I mention my H's new lady friend is a big ole fat thing? So she and he spoke and she ordered him home. My shrink warned me! She said, if you back away & get it goin' on he will follow. I think he was feeling warm and loving because he spent time with his children and he cannot help but spill that feeling over to me. But he knows I will NEVER have him, so... he knows what side his bread is buttered on, especially if he has to keep her happy for financial reasons. Ok, I just decided that when I do start working he won't know **** about what I'm making. Yuck... does this sound realistic to anyone? Or am I just freaking out about seeing him? He said his credit cards were nearly paid off. WTF? This is the guy who was crying around so bad just RECENTLY, saying he couldn't afford food. All this sad conjecture doesn't matter. Edited March 23, 2008 by melusine71
PWSX3 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Sounds like he is going down with the ship, but being a "man" he doesn't want it to sound that way. He is just putting on a front to make it look like things are going just fine, which down deep they are probably not.... I remember Gunny saying something about; people usually don't trade up when they cheat & it sounds like your ? isn't any different. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders so don't let him change your mind or poison you from becoming a better person.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 So he "came up to see the kids" offered to send the night to help out tomorrow morning with an interview. i said no. When he got back with the kids this evening, he wanted to stay to put them to bed. He said he felt really awkward being here and so did I.. I couldn't even look at him. He's always so good at relating to us womenfolk. So we decided he could go get some milk and diapers and cat food just to waste some time until they went to bed. I asked him if he had a new roommate... because I'm suspecting that he does. What the hell is he doing with all that spare cash? I felt like an idiot because he was in my house after all my plans but the kids were so happy to see him and it was just for a couple of hours after they had been gone all day. Plus I was here, what could he do? He kept staring at my shoulders, my neck. It was almost bad enough to make me blush. I suspect my HUSBAND wanted to cheat with me on his stupid pathetic waste of life slut girlfriend. He was suspiciously apologetic, "unsaid" most of the terrible **** he said to me last weekend (you know, when the children really needed him and he was SO rude & nasty) I knew those weren't his words anyway, but hers. He said, oh I'm such a great mother, did I need any money? blah blah blah. I said, that's weird because last weekend you said I was completely incompetent R. And that you couldn't "rush to my assistance" every time I called. She's back. I think she was gone for a few days and suddenly he was Mr. ****ing Cooperative. He went out to the store and came back completely changed and had a burning desire to leave. He didn't even take off his coat. She must have gotten home from tyin' on the feedbag at Mom & Dad's. Did I mention my H's new lady friend is a big ole fat thing? So she and he spoke and she ordered him home. My shrink warned me! She said, if you back away & get it goin' on he will follow. I think he was feeling warm and loving because he spent time with his children and he cannot help but spill that feeling over to me. But he knows I will NEVER have him, so... he knows what side his bread is buttered on, especially if he has to keep her happy for financial reasons. Ok, I just decided that when I do start working he won't know **** about what I'm making. Yuck... does this sound realistic to anyone? Or am I just freaking out about seeing him? He said his credit cards were nearly paid off. WTF? This is the guy who was crying around so bad just RECENTLY, saying he couldn't afford food. All this sad conjecture doesn't matter. Do you know what your doing? Your "manning-up! Your being both the Mommy and the Daddy to those babies? OooooooRaaaahh! Outstanding~ simply OUT FREAKING STANDING! Your and outstanding and awesome Mom & woman! Keep on truckin'
Author melusine71 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 I really am trying my damnedest to do the right thing. It's a dark and murky path sometimes, trying to figure it all out. I don't have a grip on my emotions like I wish I did, he can still rattle me. I wrote him a short note last night telling him that the kids had a blast with him yesterday (they did!) and that it was great seeing the three of them so happy together. I get back a NOVEL about how we need to communicate for the kids sakes, and oh I was right about everything and he was going to "try" never to be mean or petty again, that he hoped I was ok, and that he knew how hard it was for me raising them all by myself (for the last YEAR) and that he was grateful. That we had to talk to each other and communicate that him seeing the kids shouldn't be "marred by our differences"?? The man hangs up on me (until day before yesterday) every single time I call him or he just doesn't answer at all. And I ONLY call him if it's really important-- why in the name of god would I want to talk to him? And now I have no idea what to say. I want him to stay appreciative and grateful and admit he's a heel. I want him to love being around the kids and more importantly, I want them to LOVE being around him. he took them to the park yesterday for three hours. My son has never slept so well. I really was glad, it's so hard to do it all by myself all the time. And I thought it was so sweet that he didn't want to leave them. I never could. I like/hate it when he's like that because out of the ashes, there's my goddamn husband again not this asinine doppelganger who's been walking around with his face for the last year. I don't want to be too nice or seem to happy about it though. He's all over the place. I have no idea what to expect from him tomorrow. And he usually becomes most cooperative when he's about to do something that I will hate. Like move the 'ho in or something. I DO NOT WANT THAT BITCH AROUND MY KIDS. And in a weird way, and probably for totally selfish reasons, he doesn't either. What should I say? Should I say anything? Lucky me, being tied to Mr. Curveball, lying bastard for the rest of my life.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 (edited) You teach people how to treat you Mel!" Lay it out to him! This is how its going to be? And no other way! Just that damn simple! Just that damned plain! He's got a problem with it? That's what it is! His PROBLEM! Too sad? Too bad! That's just the way it is! Deal with it! Life's a Bitch! Edited March 24, 2008 by Gunny376
Author melusine71 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 After I read what you said and I realized I was supposed to go all mushy after that email of his. I would have been swallowing his bs yet again. So I decided on restraint. I basically said, "I'm glad you've finally see the light. Show me the money, I hope you stay this way." Haven't heard a word from him! Probably won't. I've been his dog, I didn't catch the bone he threw me, shame on me. Ok, so, what's your take on crushing loneliness...? I joined a dating site. ugh... that's all I have to say. I have two little kids, just moved to a new town-- how will I ever meet anyone else? While it is flattering that I already have all these messages & stuff... there is NO WAY. Apparently my choices when it comes to men aren't that great. I am a total coward now. I used to be so bold & flirty. My H and I literally jumped on each other when we first met. I'm not that girl anymore. I want to meet some one with some sense and some money. Not another guy who would be a better pet.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 You're >< when it comes to dati'ng? When you should be>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>............................................ Its not what some JOKER has to offer you? But what he's got to offer YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTERS? Its not a question of "if: you can get a MAN? But what kind of man can you get? Half of them? If not more? Aren't worth having to begin with? I would say as even as high as 70+ %?
Author melusine71 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 It's so much better for me, selfish me, when I hate him and when I talk to him he's an ass. It's not best for my babies. But I can hear it in his voice when he is with her. He has this different smug inflection. She's one of those women who really spoils a guy, goes after him, buys him things. I think she's been trying to be my husbands perfect match since she started ****ing him when we'd only been married for 2 years. It's like her life has become what he would want. She doesn't want kids, I bet. I look at our pictures and it is still breaking me. How could he stop loving me? The girl who was any good that he left me for split as soon as she saw who he truly was. But she doesn't care, she's free, no maintenance, does what he wants, makes herself who he wants. She is so happy that she finally got him. It's happening, we are over. He left me. If I had known I was going to lose him one day, after everything we went through to stay together, i would have made more of those moments that I had with him. That's the thing about being happy, you don't know it when you are. if you were aware, you'd be afraid of losing it and therefore, unhappy. I can't stand it that he wants me to be ok. I can't stand the thought of loving someone else. It's harder when he's nice.
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