mface Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 For some reason, I've felt distant from my boyfriend for a couple months. It started seemingly out of nowhere and felt like I was slipping down a rope. I can't figure out what it is that's causing this--it's like a mental block. I really really want it to go away and get my thoughts/feelings for him back to normal, but I can't lift it myself. It doesn't make sense to me, because I think of the traits his has and how they're things I've always looked for. And how perfect he is for me in so many ways--I literally can't think of a way he's not perfect for me--but something's gone off. I want nothing more than to fix it and have everything go back to normal. The idea of breaking up and losing him tears me apart, but I went from feeling like he was my soulmate to feeling terrified that I've made a huge mistake... but nothing's gone wrong at all. I can't figure this out. Will this pass in time or am I about to have my future decided for me by this strange depression--because that's what it feels like.
sedona Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Hmmm, you sound suspiciously like my ex. Terrific relationship until an unexplainable mental block made its appearance. My diagnosis for him is commitmentphobia. You can read about it in the Prince Charming thread, where some books are also recommended. Have you experienced anything like this before? I've just recently been on the receiving end of this mental blosk, and I can tell you that it's incredibly painful to be rejected by someone you love when everything was seemingly going so well. On the other hand, maybe you've been picking up on signals from your bf that something's wrong. Could that be it?
bejshermanoaks Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Sedona has your #--sounds to me like the realer it gets, the more scared you are getting..this seems to happen about the 6-9 month mark, coming out of the initial "springtime" love phase...thats my two cents
Author mface Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 See, I'm really really hoping that's all this is. It started right around when I realized that, barring catasrosphy, we were headed for the altar, something I've never experienced before, even in my long-term relationships. At first, this thrilled me, but then it started to terrify me and I wanted out, even though it had nothing to do with him. I want for nothing more that this block to lift and for everything to go back to normal. He is absolutely not giving me any kind of bad signals. He loves me very much and is determined to get me over this hump. Maybe it's only because he's five years older than me and he's more ready. I don't know. I really really WANT to spend my life with him, but what can I do to keep from freaking out and breaking up before I'm finally really okay with the committment. And how can I be so scared/confused over meeting the guy I've been searching for? I understand that some people think they know what they want and then they get it they realize they were wrong, but I don't think that's what's happening here.
sedona Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 See, I'm really really hoping that's all this is. It started right around when I realized that, barring catasrosphy, we were headed for the altar, something I've never experienced before, even in my long-term relationships. At first, this thrilled me, but then it started to terrify me and I wanted out, even though it had nothing to do with him. I want for nothing more that this block to lift and for everything to go back to normal. He is absolutely not giving me any kind of bad signals. He loves me very much and is determined to get me over this hump. Maybe it's only because he's five years older than me and he's more ready. I don't know. I really really WANT to spend my life with him, but what can I do to keep from freaking out and breaking up before I'm finally really okay with the committment. And how can I be so scared/confused over meeting the guy I've been searching for? I understand that some people think they know what they want and then they get it they realize they were wrong, but I don't think that's what's happening here. You're hoping that's all it is?!? What you're talking about stopped my relationship dead in its tracks. My ex's block isn't about to magically disappear, but unfortunately he's just trying to figure things out for himself, without any help. I suspect that he will not be able to succeed. What you've described here is exactly what's in the books about commitmentphobia. My suggestion is that you think about your past and read "He's Scared, She's Scared." This type of mental block doesn't just come out of nowhere, but it's possible to change if 1) you really want to and 2) you put your money where your mouth is and work on it. Also, you have to relax and live in the present, not the future. Enjoy your relationship as it is now and stop worrying about the altar!
bejshermanoaks Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Imagine him dating another girl..how would that make you feel?
Author mface Posted March 22, 2008 Author Posted March 22, 2008 You're hoping that's all it is?!? What you're talking about stopped my relationship dead in its tracks. My ex's block isn't about to magically disappear, but unfortunately he's just trying to figure things out for himself, without any help. I suspect that he will not be able to succeed. What you've described here is exactly what's in the books about commitmentphobia. My suggestion is that you think about your past and read "He's Scared, She's Scared." This type of mental block doesn't just come out of nowhere, but it's possible to change if 1) you really want to and 2) you put your money where your mouth is and work on it. Also, you have to relax and live in the present, not the future. Enjoy your relationship as it is now and stop worrying about the altar! Oh, I really really want to. I will look into this book. And any others people might suggest. When I say that's all it is, I mean that I really want it to be something I can fight. Imagine him dating another girl..how would that make you feel? Devistated. And I feel like losing him could be something I might regret for the rest of my life.
bejshermanoaks Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Well they dont lose him my love! Snap out of it and try your best to sort this out and dont push him away, cause commitmentphobes do this subconsciously...Im glad you recognized this before you got too far down the pike with the emotions. Good for you!
sedgwick Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 (edited) Is there something else in your life that's bothering you? Something you wanted to achieve but didn't, or haven't yet? Is there something else you're unhappy with -- job, school, family, etc? Good for you for attempting to work on this. Have you ever traveled alone? I think it's something not enough women do. Just take off by yourself for a few days, a week (hell, I just did two months), and get your head together. Nothing like it for figuring out what you want. How old are you? I ask because I got married at 24, to someone ten years older than me. He'd been married before and was certain he was ready to settle down, whereas I wasn't. He is an amazing person and I still love him very much (not romantically, but he's the best friend I've ever had, and my family and I still consider him family.) But I wasn't ready to be married. It wasn't about him, it was about me. I went through with a wedding I didn't want and I ended up divorced. Now that I'm 36, I'd like to get married again, but I wasn't ready for quite some time. Edited March 23, 2008 by sedgwick
Author mface Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 I'm 22 and I took a year off school, but now I've gone back it's dangling over my head like an axe. I didn't know stress from other areas of my life could affect my brain like this. But I guess it makes sense. I've felt really numb about everything lately.
Author mface Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 sedona i noticed in another post that you mentioned the "he's scared, she's scared" book and said that in the end it doesn't really offer a solution, but there's something at the end of the book: "Getting to Commitment" offers a solution, but I warn you, it's not easy and takes time. I personally think that you can't do it alone because you're trapped inside your own head and patterns. what do you mean by this?
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