leolover12 Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Hi guys. I apologize for the long post, but my relationship issues have overflowed my mind and I need all the help and advice I can get. A little background: My boyfriend and I are both in our last year of college (graduating in May). We've been together a little over a year. December 2007, he broke up with me because we were fighting all the time (mainly because I kept nagging and picking fights over little things and I didn't appreciate him). He mentioned that he was afraid of responsibility, post-graduation, and especially money. But what really hurt me the most was when he said he didn't love me anymore. I was devastated, but I could not believe that he could just stop loving me. I am pretty sure that he meant that he was not in love with me, but he still loved me? Either way I took it as that. From January to the end of February, I did my best to try to get him back. In those two months, it was an up-and-down roller coaster. One weekend he would say yes when I asked for him back, but then act differently (he was very un-boyfriend like). Other times when I asked for him back he would tell me that he didn't love me, but had "strong feelings" for me. I was VERY confused at the time. Other nights, when he was very drunk he would tell me that he did love me and that he wanted to marry me and have my children someday. When he is sober, he told me he purposely suppressed his feelings for me. During these two months, we were on and off spending the nights at each other's apartments. Then March came and one morning we woke up feeling content, and I asked him why we were not together (even though it seemed that we were still seeing each other). Again he didn't want to talk about it and so we compromised about talking about it "later". I made sure it happened and we went to dinner to talk about us. I asked him what were the reasons as to why he did not want to stay together, and he says that he didn't know what would happen in the future. He didn't know about anything, or how we would see each other (he is from Boston, and I am from the NYC area). He was at a point in his life that he wanted to "explore", he wants to live like a bum, he wants a good paying job, etc. His other reason was that he felt like the ball and chain when he was with me. I understood all of what he said, but I smiled and said that we could work it out. I told him long distance relationships are workable, and I emphasized that as long as you want to be with me it will be fine. After dinner, we went our separate ways (we took two cars). I didn't push him to hang out with me as I would usually have wanted to. Apparently, he followed me home. It was a nice surprise, especially when he asked me if I wanted to see a movie at his apartment with him. That night I was inattentive towards him when he kept trying to hold my hand or be affectionate. Finally he turned to me and said, "I don't want to think about the future, I just want to think about now. Will you go out with me?" I said "As long as you are happy, then yes." And we are back together. Happy love story? Not quite yet. A week later we went on a cruise trip to the Caribbean for our senior spring break. Everything was beautiful. We laughed, we had fun, we were affectionate, and we were happy. We are back at school now, and things are not like what it was like on the cruise. I am giving him his space by not calling him or initiating text messages to him, even though it KILLS me inside. I know that he has fallen out of love with me, but still cares a lot about me. But these are where my issues come in: 1. I am still in love with him. I'm still in that honeymoon stage, even though he's moved on past that. 2. We were attached at the hip. We were a married couple when we were both in the honeymoon stage. He is pulling away from that, which is semi-ok because I'd like to be more independent. But...I'm still used to all of that married couple shenanigan. How can I feel like we are a couple, while still being independent? Will he feel like that ever again? I know his priorities are to look for a job, have fun and party while he still can, and to finish school. But I don’t feel that I am his priority at all. 3. How do I ask him, without giving him pressure, if our relationship is short-term or long-term? I have asked him about post-graduation and our relationship, and he says that it would be “icing on the cake” if I moved to Boston, but if I stayed at home that it would “still be a cake”. He tells me that he wants me to find a good job, and not just move to Boston for him. I know he wants me to be successful, but I also want him to know that I can find a job anywhere and that I am willing to move to Boston if he wants me to be there. 4. While there is still time with each other at school, how can I show him that I’ve changed to be a better girlfriend? He has grown wary with his love for me because I never appreciated him. How do I appreciate him, without being a doormat? 5. We are not at the same level of closeness as we used to be, or where I'd like to be. The only times he shows affection is when we are alone. I would like him to be more sensitive and caring towards me, but at the same time without asking him for it because it would bring him pressure. I have been giving him his space, which relieves his stress. How can I show him to be more attentive and loving towards me without making him feel forced? 6. Because he’s afraid of what will happen with his life, how can I be a good supportive girlfriend? Should I be reassuring that “everything will be fine”? I want to help him stay positive but I don’t know how to. The reason why I am so hung up on this guy is because I see A LOT of potential with him in the future. I know we are young and that there is much to explore, but he is my Perfect-10 guy. Right now, I am trying to understand that he is at a point in his life where he is uncertain about everything- not just me. His mindset is not on me, at least not anymore. He's becoming a full-fledged adult and he's just really afraid. I tell myself that I just need to stick by him while he’s going through his little life crisis, but at the same time it’s making feel emotionally insecure. Again, I apologize for the long entry. My feelings are overwhelming as you can see in this post. If you read through all of it, thank you! But what I would appreciate even more is some much needed advice.
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